Being emotionally attached/dependent...

[SolidGK]

Hello
Reading these boards alot for the last week or so, a lot of guys seem to have the problem of becoming too attached/dependent to one girl. They base all their happiness on her. If she calls and is in a good mood, they are ecstatic. If she doesnt call or seems a little mad for whatever reason then they automatically assume its their fault, or that she doesnt like them, and they sink into a deep depression.
Obviously this is not healthy, but i think everyone has experienced it; I certainly have. There are plenty of articles about it, but none of them really provide a lasting solution to the problem, or a good path of logical steps to take towards becoming independent. How does one become completely happy with themselves, without a need for anyone else?

I thought about this today. Imagine everyone you know, everyone you love. Your parents, your friends, your gf, your extended family, your dog...everyone, imagine if they werent there. Would you be happy? According to the belief that your own happiness comes from within you then yes you could still be happy. I have a very hard time believing this...yes I am quite dependent on interactions with others, i hate spending time alone and get bored easily (im an only child). Anyone have any thoughts/comments?
Thanks
Jonathan

 

[sailorgirl]

Being alone

Very interesting topic I must say. I can completely relate to what you are saying however I think being happy with ones self really doesn't have to mean being totally without others. If you are truly happy with yourself I feel you know it by things like this, do you ever have moments when no ones around like driving in your car for instance listening to the radio even if you happen to be really hurt or p___ed at the time at the world your gf or in my case my bf and you think to yourself as a certain song comes on life is great or I am really happy? Sounds wierd maybe but think about it if you are truly happy no matter what's going on in life or the world you will always have those moments if only for a second. Everyone likes to be cared for and for the most part we like to care for others. It does suck when we feel alone or loose people in our life in any way. We hurt and it sucks and that's life but as long as you have those moments life will always go on and you will always be ok.

 

[trajhenkhet]

I'm a bit jaded a little due to recent past events, but I truly believe happiness truly lives from within. I noticed I had less problems in certain aspects of personality when I became self focused. (Doing hobbies, school, looking for work). I had little time to visit people so I was called constantly to visit and my girlfriend at the time couldn't stop calling me or trying to get me to see her. When summer hit and college let out, my gf left me about a month into it and then my friends didn't invite me to stuff as much as before. There are some exceptions to this rule and those exceptions are were ones true friends are at in my opinion. I have decided to only do things I enjoy doing or need to do. Everything else is just a waste of time and honestly its not worth the waste

 

[PEACEDJ]

Madd props to Solid GK, he's def. thinking like a Don Juan. I'm glad we have someone like him on the board.

You realized that you get your motions mixed up because of someone else. We all hate this feeling, trust me I know I had to learn mine the hard way. What you got to do in this situations are ignore that person. You can never be happy with her, forget about her, imagine yourself living outside in this world having GREAT success by yourself. Look at some of the really successful people without a girlfriend of wife, hell they are living a wonderful life without anyone by them. You just have to realize everytime how much you have going for you. I mean we all are blessed here that we can become part of the Don Juan community.

 

[netman]

Man, this post is right on target.

They base all their happiness on her. If she calls and is in a good mood, they are ecstatic. If she doesnt call or seems a little mad for whatever reason then they automatically assume its their fault, or that she doesnt like them, and they sink into a deep depression.

We do all go through this at some point or another like you said, and in my case I certainly didn't plan on it at all. I have to admit that I'm going through something like this right now, but not as bad. I'm very confident about myself and everything, but when we have a minor argument or something and she's all upset, I admit that I get a little down. I know it's not healthy at all, but I'm trying my best to get out of that AFC funk. I really do want to learn from this and turn it around, but I want to do it right now with my current g/f. Any body else got input on this? UGGGHHH!!!!

 

[iqqi]

I admit that I get a little down. I know it's not healthy at all, but I'm trying my best to get out of that AFC funk. I really do want to learn from this and turn it around, but I want to do it right now with my current g/f. Any body else got input on this?

if it's really bad:
some say that you have to sink to the bottom before you can float to the top.

 

[netman]

I hear ya iqqi, but it sucks to feel this way, especially since I know that she's not like that with me. We could have a little argument in the morning, and by the afternoon for her it's forgotten. Me, I'll think about all day sometimes into the night and it ruins my mood the whole day. And she hates it when I bring things up over and over, but I can't help it because I'm the type of person that doesn't let things go until there's closure to a subject. I have to learn to let things go I guess.

I'm definitely not obsessed with her and the love is mutual, but how can I get out of this mindset? I try and try, but I still get the same feelings day in and day out.

 

[bp1974]

More and more people are growing up to become adults who attach to others far too easily, or conversely to not be able to attach at all. In nearly all cases the reasons are a mixture of the person's innate qualities and their childhood environment. Here's a list of some of what can go wrong:

- Not enough safety (parents obviously love each other and show it in front of the kids often)

- Not enough security (parents provide adequate boundaries and constancy)

- Not enough unconditional love (all the child's emotions and experiences are accepted by the parents even when they're saying No to him)

The less of the above a kid receives, the more likely he is to spend his life looking for it from other sources (ie women). This leads to these half-grown adults placing far more emphasis on the success of their relationships than they otherwise would if they had grown up with more of all the above.

There's no quick solution, no magic pill to change your emotions, assumptions and beliefs. The solution is the very hard, challenging work of exploring all of who you are, the bits you like, the bits you don't, the bits you're ashamed of or feel guilty about, and everything else. Pick it all apart, take risks by doing things that challenge your most deeply held beliefs about you and how you relate to others, and how others relate to you. This is the real growing up, and it often starts long after our bodies have become adult, if it starts at all.

bp1974

 

[Ninja Dude]

I used to have this problem...hinging my happiness on the moods of others especially GFs. The problem was that my girl had too high of a priority on my list. I solved this by getting really busy with my life so that I just had no time for bullshyt! Now whenever my girl is pissed off or tries to throw me drama I calmly tell her I am too busy for nonsense and we will talk when she is ready to do so as an adult. She ALWAYS calls to apologize later and loves me for calling her on her shyt. If she is sad, I do comfort her, but I don´t wallow in her sadness, I acknowledge her feelings and then offset them with my happiness..like " hey that sucks.etc etc..but check THIS out, the coolest thing happened to me today!"

As for isolation, I love it when I get a bunch of work done, bothered by no one and then contrast it with a crazy social weekend. I think we all need to strike a balance

hope this helps!

 

[Jay26]

It only stands to reason, that which you cling to, you suffocate, that which your desire intensely, you push away.

Quicket way to exhaust someone is too becoming clingy, it's why so many AFC's have trouble, they try to hold on... It drains people when other people are attached to them, and understandbly!

So learn to let go!

 

[Ronin I]

I wonder how much of this is really effected by our childhood.

I have lived in six different cities in the past 7 years and have made tons of friends along the way (almost all guy friends). I have formed lifelong friendships with many of these guys - yet I really do not feel particularly attached to any of them. Months can pass without me feeling the need to contact any of them - but when I do hear from them (which is usually the case - them contacting me) it is as if we have spoken and kept in touch all along.

With women I am COMPLETELY different. I find myself getting attached WAY too quickly. I find myself bending over backwards to try and make things work. If a woman I've been seeing for only a couple of weeks shows high interest in me it tends to mean more to me than if a best friend that I've known for years tells me he loves me like a brother.

It is ridiculous but it is something that I have been struggling with the past couple of years.

I think that a lot of it might have to do with growing up in a single parent home with just my mother. My childhood was less than easy and my mother and I went through a lot of rough times. I've never really felt that close to my mother for the simple fact that we argued and fought so much.

I wonder if my attempts to attach to a woman so quickly and fiercely aren't an attempt to span the emotional gap that exists between my mother and I. And also if my emotional coldness towards male figures in my life isn't some by-product of having my father up and leave while I was still very young (and have zero influence in my up-bringing).

 

[LouieVaton Don]

Bp is without a doubt on-point, the clinginess issue begins during childhood. I too am clingy and I really tried not to be but it got the best of me.

Ronin I can totally relate, I grew up in a similar enviroment, me and my mother wasnt really that close, we never told each other we loved each other, never even had physical contact unless it was to hit me. She never knew her mom and I could tell that deeply affected things. She simply overcompensated for the love she didnt get by sheltering me and my siblings. Not to mention she met my stepdad who was very verbally abusive, I would always be called a screw up even when I had good grades.It really made me strive to be good really good. Now im Struggling to maintain relationships and forget females, its crazy. I cling and cram to understand them which only leads me back into obscurity. For some reason I will only try to see peoples good points and ignore their bad, I guees its because I crave attention and acceptance. I have recently recognized these demons of mine and have begun to engage in a war with them. Wish me luck!

 

[bp1974]

Originally posted by RoninI
I wonder if my attempts to attach to a woman so quickly and fiercely aren't an attempt to span the emotional gap that exists between my mother and I. And also if my emotional coldness towards male figures in my life isn't some by-product of having my father up and leave while I was still very young (and have zero influence in my up-bringing).

These are only answers that you can gain by your own experiences, they're not answers you can be told by anyone else, but you are definitely asking the right questions.

bp1974