Becoming a Girl's Emotional Tampon

[skinnydart]

I've read all the posts about not becoming a girl’s psychotherapist but I have a question. This girl I just met, she’s from a broken home, gone through foster homes, girl’s homes, other guardians, living with distant relatives, etc, so the subject is always being brought up. I know you’re not supposed to try to fix the girl’s problems but is it still wrong to be another listening/understanding ear?

A lot of her emotional problems she’s had are actually the same one’s I have had, in fact, that’s why we're both 17 year-old juniors in college, just cause we had to get out of our parents home, so in a way it’s that thing we both have in common between us.

I mean she’s a genius with like a 4.0 but whenever she starts talking about her past or something she has done, it always involved part of her emotional story.

She’s only had one bf, whom she had met on her first day here at college, but he just broke up with her like a few weeks ago. Actually she just found out that he was going to propose to her on her 17th birthday.

This is part of a convo I had with her today…
:
ME: man, that does sound rough
HER: yeah it was
ME: so were there any close friends you had in either the girl’s home or the foster home that understood you?
ME: or were they pretty much all like that?
HER: no
HER: i had close friends but when it came to that they never understood me
HER: u r the first to understand

So I don’t know what to do. She mentions how most guys are jerks who don’t listen to her and are just concerned about talking about themselves, so if I start telling her, “stfu, I’m not your psychotherapist”, I’m not going to last long.

She’s not the game-playing type at all, she seems like a real genuine, sweet chick but I don’t want to throw away all my dj tatics either.

 

[LuvMyArmyMan]

Dude, be a friend. You can help your friends with their problems. And what would be wrong with listening to her? There's nothing "wrong" with it; you are your own person and you tell yourself what is right or wrong. I think you misunderstand, and that you shouldn't become an emotional tampon to a girl that you want to date or whatnot. Do you want to date her? And it sounds like she isn't using you to vent. You should also not become her girlfriend, either. Be a friend. But yes, you aren't supposed to fix her problems, she has to fix them herself. But there is nothing that says you cant be a friend to her. And maybe in being her friend through these tough times, you two might come out as something more than friends.. But there is nothing that says you can't just be friends with a girl. And whomever says that you cant be friends with a girl without any kind of sexual attraction involved is an idiot.

 

[skinnydart]

Dude, be a friend. You can help your friends with their problems...But there is nothing that says you cant be a friend to her...You should also not become her girlfriend...Be a friend...whomever says that you cant be friends with a girl without any kind of sexual attraction involved is an idiot

I am attracted to her, I want to / have started dating her and I'm not closed to the idea of her becoming my gf. I wouldn't be on this website if I just wanted to make friends, the whole point of this post is that I don't want to end up in the friends zone because I listen to all her problems like some predict.

 

[DJDamage]

skinnydart you are already a tampon and you don't even realise it.

You have to establish early on whether you are a friend or more then a friend. If you are going the friend route, the longer you will stay the harder it is to break away.

You can't be a friend with her if you are attracted to her. Decide now. It either you be her friend and be hurt that she will cry on your shoulder how the so called "jerks" are using her, or be a man about it and ask her out.

Believe me if she rejects you and you somehow don't become friends it won't be a very big loss to her. Which do you think is a bigger loss? a guy she loves who also helps her with her problems? or a guy she sees as a friend and helps her? ITS A BOYFRIEND JOB TO HELP HER WITH HER PROBLEMS, NOTHING IN THIS WORLD COMES FOR FREE INCLUDING YOUR OWN TIME, IF YOU ARE NOT THE BOYFRIEND YOU ARE BETTER OFF FINDING A GIRL WHO WANTS TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU INSTEAD OF SITTING THERE AND LISTENING TO HER PROBLEMS AND KNOWING THAT SHE WILL BE FVCKING ANOTHER GUY THE NEXT EVENING.

The chick sounds like she is not worth the trouble anyway, when a chick has emotional problem and can't get along with too many people well guess what?? you are no different! you too will suffer the misery that she shares with everyone, but since you are thinking with your d1ck, then you do what you think is best.

 

[spukee]

The girl sounds like she's had a rough time, and if she's sharing those types of details about her life with you, then she obviously sees something there. It might not be fireworks, but it's a start.

With a girl like this you're better off NOT playing the part of a ****y ass. She sounds slightly insecure, and you're quite right that she's likely not doing the whole 'dating game' right now. 'Sides, the whole 'emotional tampon' thing is in regards to a girl treating you like another girl - talking about guys she likes, what she did at the party last week, etc...

Then again, it really depends on what you're looking to do. If you're just trying to get a lay, then being a prick just might work. If you genuinely care about this girl, it's not going to hurt to let her talk to you about the things that bother her. If you feel uncomfotable with the whole situation, then save yourself and her a lot of trouble and end it now. Those are pretty much your options.

 

[rgeere]

Dude, you need to go by the cardinal rule and tell her to go see a psychiatrist or start charging her 500$ an hour. If you treat a girl like she is a friend, she will never see the DOMINANT you and will never note your strengths and create an attraction.

 

[LuvMyArmyMan]

oh ok i didnt know you wanted more than friends.

It sounds like the last thing she wants is to date or have a boyfriend. So if i were you i wouldn't hit on her or ask her out or she might just say to f-off and never speak to you again. Be careful with her. And besides, its not good to date a girl with a lot of emotional baggage if you cant handle it, she'll only bring you down.

 

[skinnydart]

Sorry for the long post...

You have to establish early on whether you are a friend or more then a friend. If you are going the friend route, the longer you will stay the harder it is to break away.

I agree, i've know her for 5 days, she was one of my customers so I didn't hit on her while she was in my office at all, but later i saw her in the mall we started chatting and 5 min later I told her she should come see a movie with me sometime and snagged the digits with no problem then left. So it is early, I don't think anything has been set in stone yet, that's why I'm asking for you guy's opinion.

be a man about it and ask her out.

I did, I got a date and went out with her last night, other then having to stand out in the rain for 2.5 hours while we waited in line to get in the concert, we both had a good time. In fact, she im'ed me this morning and said... "I just wanted to let u know i really enjoyed myself last night and I hope you have a very good and relaxing day..."

KNOWING THAT SHE WILL BE FVCKING ANOTHER GUY THE NEXT EVENING

I know she isn't, (we're both christians and go to a christian university) she basicly writes her whole life and everything she's thinking on her Xanga site (which I don't think she knows I read). Basicly that one guy was the only guy she was ever in love with but now that that's over with she's looking for another genuine guy. She was asked out by another guy a day before I did but turned him down because she "couldn't see him anything more than friends", she obviously didn't do that to me.

NOT playing the part of a ****y ass

Yeah, i had kinda guessed that, she isn't the type that enjoys sarcasm.

you're quite right that she's likely not doing the whole 'dating game' right now

It's not like she's not doing the "dating game" she doesn't doesn't seem like the dj-type girl, full of sh1t tests, playing hard to get, and all that other stuff. She's constantly txting me to say stuff like "hey, I saw you in the dining hall today, hope your having an awesome day" or like at 12:01 AM she txts me to say happy birthday. Then she sent me this e-mail later that day saying...

Skinny-

This is justa note to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I know how birthdays @ <college name> can suck, especially important ones (16th,18th). Anyhow, I tried to find a perfect e-card, but it was impossible. They were all sorta gay. So this is my birthday card to you. I've enjoyed getting to know you recently. It nice to meet someone that has so much in common with me. It just blows me away. Anyways, I'll end with this...

Happy 18th Birthday!

P.S.--You have my number. Call anytime.

the whole 'emotional tampon' thing is in regards to a girl treating you like another girl - talking about guys she likes, what she did at the party last week, etc...

No, she hasn't done this at all, the only time she brings up other guys is when she's saying how "no, we're over with for good", or "I got asked out by Tim, but he was just not my type" or "some old guy was hitting at me at work today, it was annoying...", stuff like that.

If you're just trying to get a lay, then being a prick just might work. If you genuinely care about this girl, it's not going to hurt to let her talk to you about the things that bother her.

I don't just want a lay, i go to a Christian univeristy but I'm looking for an LTR, a gf.

It sounds like the last thing she wants is to date or have a boyfriend. So if i were you i wouldn't hit on her or ask her out or she might just say to f-off and never speak to you again.

Well, I'm kinda dating her now, we're probably going to go see a movie sometime this week.

 

[skinnydart]

Well, just to prove to you guys that I'm not in the friends zone yet, and to give you her perspective on the situation, here is what she wrote on her xanga....

I had a blast with Skinny last night. Its kinda surprising that I met him at <my work name>, but God knew what he was doing. Skinny has so much in common with me. I enjoy every second we get to talk. I've not felt like this in a long time. I get so giddy around him and sometimes I ramble. I wanna slap myself but he acts interested and continues listening. I love talking to him because he doesn't think my goals are stupid. Hey, he even supports me in my goal of having a H1 one day! He is really smart too, considering he works at <my work name> and fixes computers like its nothing. Its fun watching him work. Ok, so I know you guys want me to stop about him, but one more note....He is so cute!

Anyways about last night, Skinny and I went out for ice cream at <ice cream parlor name>. We just talked and enjoyed ourselves. Then we stood in line for <concert name> for 1 1/2 hours. We both were cold and wet by time we got inside the building.

So no, I don't think I'm screwed (in the neg sence of the word) quite yet.

Evidently I did something right, I only have you guys to thank!

 

[rgeere]

She used the words 'just' and said you 'listen attentivelly' to everything she says.

Unless she puts up something in her xanga along the lines of 'skinny fvcked me like a rotten dirty svut" you're in the friend zone.

 

[skinnydart]

Originally posted by rgeere
you're in the friend zone.

...so a girl telling all her girl friends (the one's who read that thing) that "He is so cute!" right after a date with a guy means she's not attracted to him at all but she just wants to be friends with him... hmm, whatever you say rgeere.

So if "He is so cute.. I enjoy every second we get to talk. I've not felt like this in a long time." means that she's not interested in me at all romaticly but just want to be friends, what the hell does it means when a girl says "I'm not attracted to you physically, it's your personality I like".

 

[rgeere]

Look, what a girl says means jack ... cute can means anything and especially in this instance.

This is be sides the fact that she is describing you in very passive terms, which normally shows a degree of low [sexual] interest.

I would seriously advise learning to UP your dominance level. However, if you really honestly think she is interested in you as a boyfriend, you need to test the water a bit. Try to make a move on her or kiss her or something. If she flinches, you are sunk. If she is responsive, then you have something.

Until you do this, there is no way not to say that you are in the friend zone.

 

[skinnydart]

cute can means anything

really? Like how else have you seen it used, like is it another word for unattractive, or fat, or maybe ditsy? ...cause I'm only a junior in college so maybe I'm just confused as to the definition of such obscure english vocabulary.

Look, what a girl says means jack

Would you be saying this if I came to you and told you my girl told me "let's just be friends"?

P.S. um, no where does she use the words "listen attentivelly". She says I "act interested" (in her), which would kinda make sense seeing that I am. Don't believe me do a CTRL - F(ind).

 

[rgeere]

"no where does she use the words 'listen attentivelly'. She says I 'act interested'"

I wanna slap myself but he acts interested and continues listening.

he even supports me
he acts interested
continues listening
He is really smart
He is so cute
We just talked


She says that you support her, that you act interested, that you listen, that you are smart, cute, and just talk.

I see nothing here about kissing, I see nothing here about being a mystery, I see nothing here to show that you displayed any form of masculine dominance, I see nothing her to indicate that she thinks you are hot, I see nothing here to indicate that she thinks you are independant, I see nothing here to indicate that you are active.


What I read from her description is that she thinks you are a passive listener, she can read you like a book, she knows everything about you, she knows you are interested in her.


You need to face the fact that you have been friendzoned, but I think you need to read these articles first.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=67693
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=52432

 

[skinnydart]

I see nothing here about kissing

No, that's because I didn't kiss her. It was our first date, I was getting to know her and at my school, kissing (don't laugh) is a reprimandable offence, resulting in a fine of $70. I get paid this Friday, so we'll see what happens.

I see nothing her to indicate that she thinks you are hot

at my school, cute = hot. It's like if I tell my guy friend that so-and-so is hot, or that she is really pretty, I mean the same thing.

I see nothing here to indicate that you are active

well, standing in line was rather sedative, I must admit. Actually, asking a girl for her number, then asking for a date, then picking her up and taking her on a date is conciderd active.

she can read you like a book

Um, no, she didn't say that, she said I am intersted in what she says, in her goals, she says nothing about knowing anything about me. In fact,, I let her do most of the talking, I did most of the listening, which you admit yourself but then you go and say "she knows everything about you".

"Passive Listener" does not mean "she can read me like a book", or that "she knows everything about me", in fact, it would only contribute to the opposite affect. A "Passive Listener" is a mystery because a "Passive Listener" is listening, not giving information about himself. Get it? (If you want some links that suggest the guys should do most (i.e. 75%) of the listening let me know)

Good grief, is there anyone else on this fourm?

 

[rgeere]

Apparently you didn't read any of those links before responding, if you did you probably would hve jumped to a diffrent conclusion. I don't like repreating myself when I took the time to write a perfectly good atrticle.


Whatever on everything else, I still think that that xanga post proves jack. It might show she likes being around you atleast, which isn't an entirely positive sign nor a completely negitive one.

 

[ketostix]

Keep doing what you're doing. Under the circumstances (being a christian college and all) it sounds like she's got thoughts of you and her becoming BF/GF. Just don't come on too heavy before she does right now.

 

[rgeere]

Ketostix just gave you some good advice, and read the links I gave you before making any more post.

 

[skinnydart]

I did in fact read your article, however that still does not change my refutations to your earlier post, most of which still stand unanswered.

In responce to your "friends first myth" post, I asked this girl for her digits and a date within 15 min of meeting her. We did not become friends first in any way. I've already gone out with her, I've known her for 5 days.

 

[skinnydart]

Ketostix just gave you some good advice

I agree, and thank Ketostix, but rgeere, how can you agree with the statement that "it sounds like she's got thoughts of you and her becoming BF/GF" when you say "You need to face the fact that you have been friendzoned". I haven't been a member of the debate team that long, but that appears to resemble a contradiction.