Serg897 said:
This is terrible.
I'm in a pseudo-depressed state right now. I see now that my basic mistake was letting myself get way too attached to this girl. If that didn't happen, I wouldn't have made these crappy decisions.
You made the right decisions based on the "frame", or understanding of the universe, you had at the time. Now your frame has most likely changed, but that's fine. It's pointless to beat yourself up for decisions you made for very good reasons.
I don't really know why this happened. Last semester I saw another girl for around the same amount of time, broke it off for different reasons, and easily moved on with my life.
Its just that I really liked this one!...and I think I have developed an awful case of oneitis. I'm even having thoughts of calling or texting her again (which I know is BAD).
There's nothing wrong with liking a girl. More than anything, you sound frustrated with your ability to get women in general. Too bad, it seems you're just fine.
When I think about the characteristics of this "oneitus", I realize that it involves our basic positive emotions of love, appreciation, and admiration that have gotten us through billions of years of evolution. Treating it as an ailment is misleading. You'll be throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
That said, I think there are certain consequences that come with "love" that many guys aren't ready for. Moreover, guys know they're not ready for these emotions, that's why they adopt extreme and self-destructive behaviors.
For instance, if girl A is one of the sole good things in your life, you will hurt a lot more than a more stable guy the second she is gone. Yes, you'll be obsessed with her. It is normal and healthy to want lots of love and excitement in your life. If the girl was all you had, it is normal to miss her disproportionately.
Again, if you treat girl A like property, you will feel betrayed by her making normal human decisions.
That said, it is healthy to like girls. If you like a girl, it is healthy to wish she were still there. You need to be ready to deal with this nostalgia - one of the basic characteristics of dating - maturely and healthily before you date too seriously. You need to learn to grow from that emotion. Again, that is a basic requirement of healthy dating. Dating multiple girls isn't necessarily the answer. I think it makes things worse in some cases.
What are the other parts of your life you're excited about? Where are your friends? I want you to be happy, I try to give you a new perspective. But I'm not a real, live friend. I'm definitely not your immediate family.
And these guys on here who espouse all this "play hard to get" and power-plays. Women hate that kind of behavior more than anything else. After all this talk about turnoffs, playing hard to get is an IMMEDIATE turnoff. If you want to call the girl... wtf are you waiting for?
If it feels like the right thing to do, do it. No matter what people say on this board, focus on making the girl like you for you, not for your games or stratagems.
This happens at an awful time, because there is a lot of work I need to do to wrap up the semester right and I need it to be done well.
I need help, guys.
Most people don't know how to get work done in a therapeutic way. Most people just say, "well I have a paper due in a week, I'm going to hole up in my room until it's done." They really stress themselves out. Still, that works ok if your heart is intact. But if not, you're going to really be hurting.
When your heart is aching, you need to learn to do work therapeutically. That means getting a lot done, being extremely efficient when you work, but still taking plenty of time for you to heal and find the support you need from friends, hobbies, and family. It requires extra discipline, but you can do it.
Again, a lot of people I know, especially students, just kill themselves with dating when they're not ready to work therapeutically. Most students, in fact, most people in general, have no idea how to heal themselves from a breakup, even if they did have free time.
I had a rough breakup during a really hard academic period for me, and I had no idea how to work therapeutically, or how to get stuff done in a healthy way. It was incredibly painful, and a very unwise move on my part.
What can I say. It's a skill. But focus on doing only a certain amount of work each day AND NOT ONE MINUTE MORE. The rest of the time has to be free time. At the most, just take notes for ideas you get and then apply them the next day. But take that time and heal.
Most people "work" with unbelieveable inefficiency. During the inefficient times when they are trying to work but aren't, they loath themselves, worsening their emotional state while not accomplishing anything. It actually makes you worse. And as you get more and more stressed out, it's harder and harder to focus.
When you're working, work, except for breaks you've assigned in advance. When you've worked for a reasonable period of time, stop and heal yourself.
Good luck.
It happens to everybody. Try not to let it get you down. The reality is that it is what it is. No more no less. You need to get busy with your life and start dating other women. LOTS OF THEM. When you find another one to like this one will fade.
I guess I've never understood this reasoning. Have you ever had sex with a girl you wished were someone else? I don't know, I don't find that satisfying at all. It just makes me miss the person more.
Finding more women have never been the answer for me. In fact, if things don't work out with one or more of those women, it just multiplies the hurt and the frustration. That's a bad situation. You should be able to rely on friends, family, and hobbies - religion if you've got it - that heals me very quickly. If you don't have these things, you're making a mistake by dating. You need to invest your time in cultivating real emotional support in your life. Women are only real emotional support when you have the rest.
Whatever you do now, do not contact her. I am serious. Contacting her will not get you anything but more aggravation. Leave it alone for a while and see if she contacts you. No good can come from contacting her except to pressure her. Once she feels the pressure she will bolt because she is not ready to reengage.
I agree with you that appearing to pressure her is bad. But you can alleviate that by just saying, "I don't want to pressure you." Or even better, just by being an awesome conversationalist. The girl will want to hang out with you automatically. Refusing to call her when you want to call her is a passive frame of mind.
Would an AFC call her? Of course. Would an AFC call her and use awesome conversation skills to win her back? Of course not!
If your communication skills are bad and it always seems like you're pressuring people, that's the real problem.
I am the master of ugly break ups because all of mine in the past were like this. I have realized that almost 100% of the time its does not pay to play out an ugly scene. A lot of the time the best thing to do is do NOTHING.
I see the snooping on her cell as a big problem. Because it sends a message that you cant be trusted and trust is a big deal for women.
Women are capable of understanding that people make mistakes. Besides, this is a crime of passion and those are hot, if you play it right. This is, in my opinion, extremely recoverable. Women know that nobody is perfect. Make sure she can trust you to apologize when you make a mistake, that's the most important thing.
I am very glad to see that your advice comes from experience. I really respect nothing more than a person who speaks from experience. Even though we probably would take different courses of action, I want to thank you for posting, and for discussing your ideas with me. The best way to learn is a respectful conversation between people with different points of view. So thanks for sharing.
Once you are apart for a while she will have time to clear her head and any harsh feelings she may have will eventually fade providing nothing really bad happened. Than maybe she will come back. Maybe not. Let her contact you though. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT CONTACT HER. No gushy notes, emails, nothing.
Just give it space and some time and see what happens.
