"Attached" Women Sitting By Themselves in Bars

[Frank2500]

Re:

I hear you, Mr. Positive. And I agree. As you do know though, many times it's hard to tell (not until you go out with these women once or twice) that a woman is heartless/insensitive and shallow. I guess for me, it's a lot more of a learning experience coming from another culture and country where women are nicer, more humble and approachable. Humility is a trait that I personally admire in a woman. But based on my experiences so far in the dating culture in this country, a lot of women here are so spoiled and have a pretty much unfair advantage and power over men in the initial phases of dating and relationships.


One of the things I'm trying to be a lot more careful about is the places I hang out at. Night clubs, from what I've experienced during all these years, aren't the best places for me to meet women because a lot of the women who frequent those places usually don't appreciate a guy like me. The ones who seek their one-night stands and bad boys won't find anything interesting in someone like me who desires quality, substance and a longterm relationship. And during my undergraduate years in college, I was passed over countless times for the so-called thugs who were perceived to be more exciting. Once in a while, I run into a few of those women who turned me down in college for those superficial reasons and a lot of them can't even look at me in the eyes anymore. They see that I'm a different person, that my priorities have changed, and I discern a lot of regret in some of their eyes because they know that I definitely wouldn't be interested in talking to them at this point.


So it's pretty much been a process of self-healing for me. I don't think there are that many men in this country who've been through some of the pain I have endured in dating-never having had a girlfriend throughout college, being made to feel as if you're not good enough or worthy enough to be be "boyfriend material," etc. That's why these days, when I all of a sudden get attention from women who I know for sure wouldn't have given me a second look a couple of years back, I just laugh inside. Everyone deserves a chance at love. I wish I could spot out woman from a distance who could be a potential trouble maker, but many times you really can't tell until you start trying to get acquainted with the person. And during that process of trying to talk to her, there is of course the risk that she might hurt you again. I strongly believe that I would make a good boyfriend and husband and maybe someday, a father. I respect myself and I don't think it makes sense for me to keep giving some of these air heads out there an opportunity to treat me with such spite and disrespect.

 

[Mr.Positive]

Humility is a trait that I personally admire in a woman. But based on my experiences so far in the dating culture in this country, a lot of women here are so spoiled and have a pretty much unfair advantage and power over men in the initial phases of dating and relationships.

Frank2500, I see a lot of similarities between us. Humility is a trait that I admire in everyone actually, men and women. Arrogance irks me and people that think they are above me lose my respect very quickly. That's how I was raised, and that's how my values are "set in stone". This site talks alot about being Alpha to impress women and such, while that may work, it's not my style to strut around acting like bada$$. Being Alpha to me is me having control over my actions, my state of mind, and my happiness. I don't worry about impressing women, but when I see a woman that strikes me, I do have a true genuine interest in learning more about her.

I've noted that your posts have a note of general sadness to it (no disrespect), so I'll say this. Your goal should be to reach a point where you fully control your happiness. You control this Frank!! This is within everyone. I remember reading a book years ago that talked about truly finding happiness within yourself. It talked about attachments, everything that you are attached to, job, woman, house, car, even your body takes away from your happiness. When you can lose everything you have instantly, and wake up the next morning with a smile, ready for the day's challenges, you're there. I know, easier said than done. But do take all the crap that's happened to you in the past and learn from it. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

So the women that past you up for thugs in college, do you think they are really happy? Most woman, deep down, need commitment and a lasting loving relationship. Most women, especially the superficial women at clubs, are miserable at the core. Not all women at clubs, but a lot of them. They will try and bring you down to their miserable level. But you won't, because you know that you are a happy person, that's something that woman can't take from you. You are happy being you, living your life the way you want to. You will try and bring them up to your level. When you meet a quality woman, you wil want to share you happiness, but that's something they have to earn. You don't share this gift unless the woman is worth it.

That's why it really is great to be men. We're free!! We don't need women, even though we like them. There is just too many exciting adventures in life to explore, with or without women. Let women sit and wonder why all the truly good men aren't on their knees praising them. Never date a woman that complains there aren't enough good men around...run from her.

 

[Frank2500]

Re:

Mr. Positive, thanks so much, man. I really appreciate the genuine concern that you have in sharing your advice and suggestions with me to help me continue keeping my head up in spite of all of this...and to become not only a stronger person, but to stay that way. It certainly isn't my intent and not intentional for most of my posts to have a tone of sadness, but I think they just reflect a lot of what I've been through for many years. I've been hurt a lot. Despite all of this, I'm determined to stay strong and all I can do right now is hope that a reasonable, humble and intelligent woman will come into my life soon.


I think us men on this forum need to continue to support and encourage each other a bit more. In my opinion, every man on this forum has a unique story. And each of us can benefit from advice and respective suggestions. The only unfortunate thing is that from time to time, folks on here who believe they've had better experience than guys like me reply harshly to posts like mine and sometimes even belittle others, instead of taking into consideration that everyone desires different traits in a mate, and that what works for one person may not necessarily work for the other.


I'm not sure if this is a somewhat positive development or a hint of some kind, but lately at my gym, I've noticed that I seem to be getting quite some attention from a number of women. I get this look from some of them as if they want to say something to me but can't find the words to do so...or as if perhaps they would like me to come up to them and say something-blind stares for a couple of seconds. But I'm trying to be careful first because I don't want to end up misinterpreting it all. One thing I try to do when I go to the gym is to work out as hard as I can, and I'm often very focused. I don't really do like some of the other guys who talk loudly and just walk around B.S.ing all over the place. I'll see...I have at least one or two particular women in mind. If I seem to think I'm getting any of those looks again, I might take a chance and walk up to the person to start a conversation and see where it leads.

 

[d9930380]

Don't read anything into it, most unattached women use it to get rid of a guy but they could simply be out for a drink and talk with friends.

Most will drop it into the conversation early on but if they don't then you should approach the issue to avoid wasting time.

 

[joekerr31]

I'm not sure if this is a somewhat positive development or a hint of some kind, but lately at my gym, I've noticed that I seem to be getting quite some attention from a number of women..

if a woman is staring at you in the gym she's either thinking 'man i can't believe how ugly he is' or shes thinking 'hmm. hes cute. id like to talk to him."

women know the gym is filled with testosterone crazed guys and that making eye contact with one of them will bring you unwanted attention - so unless they actually are taking a liking to you odds are they will minimize eye contact.

although i havent belonged to a gym now for 10+ years, so i might just be talking about my *ss.

 

[STR8UP]

if a woman is staring at you in the gym she's either thinking 'man i can't believe how ugly he is' or shes thinking 'hmm. hes cute. id like to talk to him."

women know the gym is filled with testosterone crazed guys and that making eye contact with one of them will bring you unwanted attention - so unless they actually are taking a liking to you odds are they will minimize eye contact.

although i havent belonged to a gym now for 10+ years, so i might just be talking about my *ss.

Gym, club, store, it doesn't matter. If you THINK she's checking you out, she IS.

I haven't found one instance where I caught a woman checking me out where it turned out that she wasn't interested in me. ALWAYS assume the sale.

 

[Frank2500]

Re" That's Why I Keep Saying...

Don't read anything into it, most unattached women use it to get rid of a guy but they could simply be out for a drink and talk with friends.

Most will drop it into the conversation early on but if they don't then you should approach the issue to avoid wasting time.

And that sums up exactly my problem with many young American women. They lack humility, substance, are superficial and very spoiled. It's such a shame. The only time they humble themselves toward a guy is when they think he has some sort of status-football player, actor or well-known model, author, TV personaliy, etc. I mean...the crap a man's gotta go through to find a good woman in this country is just unbelievable. I repeat once again that I think they have an unfair advantage and unfair power over men in the initial phases of dating. I once talked to a woman at my university when I was an undergraduate student and she gave me not one, but two of her phone numbers. Then when I tried to reach her over the phone, she passed it to some guy in the middle of our conversation who claimed he was her boyfriend and warned me not to call her again. How dumb did she think I was not to figure out what she was doing?


And to the poster who said if girls check guys out at the gym it's probably because they think the guys are ugly, I respectfully disagree with you based on my own personal experiences. And based on the looks I'm referring to, I know for sure that they weren't condescending ones.

 

[Jeremymichael]

how true the comments about humility. I live in the UK and the same is true for me. The night clubs and bars seem to be full of loutish women, full of bossy, stuck up women. What I would give to meet a humble, kind, understanding, intelligient, attractive girl. What amaze me if the really fat horrible ones talk like they are god's gift to men. You see them swearing and shouting down the high streets on a saturday night, and there I am presenting maturity, dressed nicely and sit watching all the girls with these so called manly men, who are probably drug pushers, trouble makers, or just imature low lifes... what can I say?

 

[Latinoman]

The last two posters sound bitter. If you are looking for humillity... Then look outside bars and nightclubs.

Do you realize how many times a hot woman is approached in a nightclub? She MUST not show humillity (even if she has plenty) in order to push men away. Heck, for all I know some might have a man and are not there to meet anyone. Therefore the biatch shield is up. I personally like those type a woman.

I bet that many of those same women in a different venue might be more accessible.

Here is a fact...just because they don't become accessible that does not mean they are stuck up. It might mean you lack the minimum requirements. It is life. Deal with it.

Another thing...why get bitter if a more masculine man gain access? That does not make him a drug dealer. Making those assumptions is a clear justification that you rather blame others for your shortcomings.

 

[Frank2500]

Re: To Latino Man

Latino Man, with all due respect to you, you're misinterpreting my post. I consider myself a classy man and I do respect myself. So I say that I think I deserve a lot better than much of what I've experienced in the past. And because I respect myself, I don't tolerate rude women or anyone being disrespectful to me because I'm not a rude person. Maybe that's why I don't get along with a lot of the club women and bad boy types. Furthermore, to set the record straight, I am confident in my masculinity and I'm not lacking in that domain. Demonstrating masculinity doesn't necessarily imply acting like a thug or bad boy or making a fool out of one's self to please shallow women. I really don't intend for my posts to have a bitter tone to them, but if they do, they simply reflect the pain and hurt that I've experienced for all these years in this country. Which is why at this point in my life I should be seeking to be with a woman of substance and who is deserving of my time. Someone who accepts me for who I am as a person. If you've had good luck with the club types who like their so-called thugs and bad boys, that's your preference and I respect that. Not all men have the same taste.


Attempting to eliminate young American women from taking their share of responsibility for the unnecessary complications when it comes to dating here in the U.S. is unrealistic.

 

[SoCalMike]

The last two posters sound bitter. If you are looking for humillity... Then look outside bars and nightclubs.

Absolutely!

Frank, bars and nightclubs are some of the worst places to meet quality women. Even if you do land numbers (and I have many times) the girls are often alcoholics, flaky, superficial/fake, dumb, low class, etc etc.

Much better places are:

-cultural events, for example i met a nice girl at a greek festival
-classes, like photography, dance, art
-the gym (but don't be too pushy, only if girl here seems really into you)
-through hobbies such as music, for example playing in a band, dj'ing, etc.
-at work, but only if there is serious potential for LTR

And you must not focus too much on getting women. Like the other poster said, you need to be happy being by yourself. Focus on your own goals and interests, and women will follow naturally.

Also, as I have said many times on this board, people have certain 'types'. Nerdy girls go for more nerdy guys, bimbos go for jocks, etc. Not always, but usually. So go for girls who fit your identity, and don't expect girls who aren't like you to be into you (or at least not as often).

If you don't like your identity, change it. (I don't mean change your values, just your attitude/image) If you're the fat goober who can't get a girl, CHANGE to the buff badass who has to fight them off by working out religiously, not overeating, dressing better, getting your hair styled, etc.

And yes, you are right, generally speaking Women in the west today are very spoiled, selfish, and so on. But in reality, those women are miserable. Best to to avoid them, and seek out the quality ones who most likely ARE NOT IN BARS. It's a sorry situation, but the only solution is to remain strong brother!

For now, savor your freedom as a single man. I have been through 2 very awful LTR's and trust me, being single has it's advantages BIG TIME!

Hope this helps.

 

[Jeremymichael]

it is probably true that bars are not the best places to find women- a shame really because having a few drinks with the opposite sex sounds good to me.
I wonder why any of us bother going to bars, women are there but have their shields up, men out numbers girls 5 to 1 where I live (so not much good odds there), its expensive. A lot of bars are turning into restaurants, so it's more difficult to have a pint and meet people. They would prefer familes having meals. My local pub there service is terrible (bit like fawlty towers- anyone seen that?- hilarious) with the managers changing every couple of months.

I need to join a club or society- I am thinking of joing a squash or badmington club and see how that goes, or maybe a gym.

It is difficult out there, for my sins I occasionally smoke. Last week I was out at a bar and I had left my lighter at home and needed a cigarrette. Not thinking as I was talking to my mates, I turned to a girl on the table nearby and asked if I could borrow her lighter?, she turned to me and said "okay but that has got to be the crapest chat up line I have ever heard" in a really rude manner. I was really embarrased and just laughed- silly cow! had not even given her a thought, just wanted to borrow her lighter. I bet she was saying all night "god that bloke was keen!".

Worse comes to worse, a nice kebab on the way home tends to help!

 

[Mr.Positive]

"okay but that has got to be the crapest chat up line I have ever heard" in a really rude manner. I was really embarrased and just laughed- silly cow! had not even given her a thought, just wanted to borrow her lighter. I bet she was saying all night "god that bloke was keen!".
!

You could have paused, lit your cigarette, looked right into her eyes passionately with a Humphery Bogart smile and said...

"actually I was only interested in the lighter." Then turned back to your mates for some good convo.

Rude miserable women get under my skin sometimes..

 

[Jestor]

I'm just kinda curious about this. I've met two women so far in bars who were sitting alone drinking, and then after having conversations with them that I felt were going very well and thinking that there was some chemistry involved, I get told that they have boyfriends when I try asking for their numbers. The most recent experience happened yesterday. I talked to this woman at a bar in Brooklyn, NY for a while...thought things were going great and then when I suggested we get together again some time, she said she had a boyfriend and that she lives with him but he was out visiting his family that night. I felt quite disappointed because I really didn't see that one coming, but I've seen it all with many women in this country and all of my experiences combined have only made me a stronger person. Maybe it's just me, but I find it hard many times to believe that an attached woman would be sitting by herself at a bar drinking a glass of wine.

She's attached and possibly open to meeting someone for sex, which is why she goes alone. So forget the phone number. If you're both feeling chemistry make the move to her place or yours.

 

[STR8UP]

There are no good women in bars....blah, blah. All the good ones are concentrated in museums, bookstores, churches, blah, blah.

If I hear this crap ONE MORE TIME I think I'm gonna puke

 

[Latinoman]

Frank if a below average looking woman with a great heart shows interest for you...would you go out with her and consider her for a LTR?

 

[Frank2500]

Re:

To SoCalMike,

Thank you very much for your uplifting words. I've certainly learned the hard way that clubs and bars aren't the best places at all if you're looking for intellectual women with whom you can have a good conversation. At the same time though, such women are also almost everywhere. On the street, in malls, cafes, grocery stores, bookstores, etc. I met a woman once at a bookstore who claimed to be a teacher and I thought we hit if off pretty good, then she gave me a wrong phone number. She said her name was Megan, but when I called the number, I kept getting some woman's answering machine who didn't sound at all like her and whose name was "Liz," instead. And I've met similar kinds of women in gyms as well. But thank you very much for your encouragement.


And to Latino Man, while I don't lack confidence, I've reached a point in my life where on the basis of past experiences, substance, humility, intellect and quality mean more to me in a woman right now than looks. So in response to your question, I would gladly accept a woman who may not necessarily be a 10 or even a 7 in the looks domain but does very well in all the other areas.

 

[Latinoman]

Thanks for answering.

However...back in college...would have you done the same?

 

[blueguy]

There are no good women in bars....blah, blah. All the good ones are concentrated in museums, bookstores, churches, blah, blah.

Come on man, musuem girls rock! That's where I spend my weekends....

 

[jophil28]

Hey Frank - I gather that you come from a culture where women are financially dependent on men for survival. Right? That dependence usually motives women to be women of "humility,substance, sweetness and light ..etc".
In the western world ,up until the 60's, when women started to become able to provide for themselves, they were also humble, obedient, substantial, loyal and all things sweet and light."
Welcome to the west with all of it's outworkings of gender equailty.