Are boundaries best communicated covertly or overtly?

[El Payaso]

What the title says.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Both. If you only communicate then overtly, (words) and they test you, and you actions don't back them up, you're sunk.

If you only communicate them covertly (actions) they won't be clear and they'll try and fight you to get you to redefine them, or pretend they didn't understand.

Ideally, you want to call out any boundary violations, or otherwise define them (like if you see somebody else doing something that makes you think of them) as soon as you can.

"I don't like it when you do X. I can't date anybody who does X." and be clear you're ready to bounce.

Or if you see somebody doing something (like at a party or something)

"I could never date a girl who did that. If I girl I was dating did that, I'd break up with her right away. Instant ghost, delete of all contacts," and make it clear you WOULD.

This, of course, requires that your boundaries are KNOWN and CLEAR (they aren't for most people).

And you WILL bounce if they are violated, this is also not true of most people.

Most people think others should psychically know their boundaries and never violate this. This comes out whenever people talk about how others "should" behave.

IMO, it's up to each individual to know the acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors of those he associates with.

The goal is to be such a high value individual, people will naturally alter their behavior (as much as they can) to stay in your good graces.

That way, the best "punishment' is your absence.

 

[Billtx49]

If your boundaries are rock solid, always be overt in a calm nonemotional communication of them. Getting it out in the open is always better and helps eliminate any 'misunderstanding'.
If she violates them later, then she DGAF and needs to go on her way without you.

 

[El Payaso]

This is all you need to know:

I can't watch videos right now. What is it?

 

[lizardking82]

That video is just too swagy. Way to go!

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/the-importance-of-the-philosophical-conversation.239788/

This.

 

[highSpeed]

It's Bond in the original Goldfinger. He turns his woman around, smacks her on the ass, and says "Man Talk" as soon as one of his friends arrives.

Sean Connery? He's my hero. He was ghetto before there was a ghetto. He rules his women and they love him for it. Want to bet his personal life was pretty similar in his interactions with women? You can't act that type of sh!t if you haven't lived it.

 

[bigneil]

You discover boundaries by pushing them. After discovering them, respect them.

 

[Trump]

I think setting boundaries are pointless with a North American women. When she has freedom, she has choices, she has feminism, she has the court, she has the law, she has the state, and she has society on her side, the man is no one to tell what she can or cannot do.

Remember, its not the 1950s. It's 2017 where hypergamy is celebrated, encouraged, and rewarded and men cannot offend, say something, or touch a woman in anyway that causes her discomfort. Combine that with a woman playing to the emotions of others to get what she wants, boundaries are as good as nothing.

 

[soulforge]

My ex crossed my boundaries just before we broke up..

I called her out on it, in a none agressive manner.. and she just cut me of the phone very rudely.

Obviously she felt the victim.. people who never want to accept responsibility for there chitty behaviour always play the victim when they are called into question for it..

Obviously I dumped her within a couple of days..

This is true.. woman with options, who are financialy stable, and are usually pretty fuking selfish people... they do not give a FUK about your boundaries..

Infact they will chit all over your boundaries!!

 

[Masculinity]

What the title says.

I'd say both. Communicate boundaries based on your nonverbal behavior, through story telling about a third party, or directly to your plate.

 

[EmotionalGeek]

You don't have to choose one or the other. Use both techniques depending on situation.

 

[mikey2012]

Mostly covertly. Withdraw attention, ignore or NEXT. Confrontation can be used but only sparingly for maximum effect.

 

[soulforge]

I'd say both. Communicate boundaries based on your nonverbal behavior, through story telling about a third party, or directly to your plate.

what if she reacts in a dismissive manner, if you verbally communicate your boundaries..

Some woman are defensive, will not accept responsibility or they feel they are above setting boundaries.

many have a complete victim mentality, no matter what

 

[EmotionalGeek]

Whawha



what if she reacts in a dismissive manner, if you verbally communicate your boundaries..

Some woman are defensive, will not accept responsibility or they feel they are above setting boundaries.

many have a complete victim mentality, no matter what

Showing your boundaries does not mean you have to attack other person. It's just showing you do not like some behaviors and you won't accept them.

 

[soulforge]

Showing your boundaries does not mean you have to attack other person. It's just showing you do not like some behaviors and you won't accept them.

yes I agree... but what if the other person becomes defensive, or dismissive and does not feel there behaviour is inappropriate..

or feels like a victim, because you called them out

 

[wifehunter]

Silence, speaks loudly, in this case.

She's testing. Don't react, by going into it.

Say, and do, nothing.

Nada

 

[soulforge]

Silence, speaks loudly, in this case.

She's testing. Don't react, by going into it.

Say, and do, nothing.

Nada

isn't that clearly a sign of a bad quality woman.. you are making her aware of something that may not be acceptable..

and she clearly dismisses you... staying quiet may also project to her, that you are not willing stand up for yourself.. or you are not serious about your boundaries.

 

[sazc]

There's no need to overtly state your boundaries going on. It's not a shopping list that you are confirming with her. It's something that will organically reveal itself as time goes on, IF need be.

Be sure you know what your boundaries are, are not ashamed of them, are ready to state and enforce them, and walk if they are not respected.

If you are looking for a compatible-to-you female, this is essential so you can weed out/not waste time.

You MUST NOT let scarcity mindset get in your way here. If she is fundamentally not compatible then that is who she is.

When the behavior comes up there is no need to confront. Take a moment, collect yourself and your thoughts. When you are clear and can, just let her know what you saw and that you won't tolerate it again. If she is compatible, it won't be an issue. If she tells you that you are trying to control her, or anything else derogatory, she is NOT compatible, walk.

IMO you can't change anyone. I won't bother trying anymore. IMO they are who they are when they get to you. If you can accept that, great. If not, (for me) move on.

I hate to say it but this idea of non-communication, withdraw attention, "soft next', ignore, is nothing more than dysfunctional behavior. These techniques are NO different than giving someone the "silent treatment" which we have all discussed/agreed as being emotional abuse. Which it absolutely is.

I'm not interested in debating that statement, I'll just lay it out there and let you guys do what you think is best.

Good luck guys

 

[AlphaNate]

First, establish covertly. If she doesn't change her behavior, consider it a red flag.

If you continue to see her, establish overtly. If she still doesn't change her behavior, next.