DjDreamer
Master Don Juan
On the contrary, he has hurt many...I'm sure his clinging to hopelessness has given many readers a headache...
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"Nervous Around Beautiful Women? There's a Rule for That"
I could talk to any woman I wasn't attracted to. Charming, funny, relaxed. Then a gorgeous woman looked my way and I'd become a sweating, babbling mess.
The fix took me years to find and ten minutes to learn. Nervousness and excitement are the same physical state — pounding heart, adrenaline, flushed face. Your brain just picks the label. And you can pick a better one.
Rule 16 shows you how. You feel the nerves, relabel them as excitement, and let that energy pour out as enthusiasm. Women notice the guy radiating it. They always do.
Advice To Chancer357
- Thread starter Slash
- Start date
"She's Out of Your League"
You've said it a hundred times. Maybe a thousand. And every time you say it, you train your brain to freeze the next time she walks into the room.
Leagues are a myth invented by guys who are scared of women.
She's a person. She has bad breath in the morning. She picks songs she can't sing in the shower. She overthinks her own texts.
Walk over. Say something. The league dissolves the second you open your mouth.
MrCode
Senior Don Juan
Hehehehe, it took me a second to digest that one.
Also thanks Jon E for the compliment and beer offer
I have read a few of your posts chancer357 and I have to say that I am definitely on the same road you are. I have been on a bad path in life and I have not been feeling good about myself and I am so convinced without a shadow of a doubt that things will fail to get any better for me.
I am curious, before you reject this idea, do you believe or practice any religon?
If so which one?
I for the past 3 years have been pressing forward and trying to find someone special that I can date. I have tried clubs, bars, online, friends of friends, you name it I have tried it. I have had no success in either category. When I think about how frustrated I have gotten while exhausting every option out there and still have had no success I can only scratch my head and wonder what do I try next.
I am so tired of going in circles and thinking everyday, what is wrong, why am I having so much trouble. Is there something wrong with me, is there a secret I don't know about. My mind is racing so fast day in and day out about how come I am not with someone and I am starting to have odd health problems and I am 100 percent sure they are attributed to my mind being so stressed.
I am currently in the process of a new strategy. I don't know if you will attempt it but, I definitely think it is worth a shot. I see that you post here a lot so i know that this problem is dominating every aspect of your daily life. I too will sit there and in the middle of working out will just think about how I don't have someone and will imediately want to leave the gym. The two things are unrelated and somehow I managae to say to myself you don't feel like working out because you have no one and the sad thing is, I believe it.
What I was saying was if you are religious and I hope you are somewhat cause if you do not believe in a higher power this will not help you at all.
I am currently reading "Your Best Life Now" by Pastor Joel Osteen and I also would like to say that Joel has a weekly program on which if you have Direct TV or any cable you can check him out at many times during the week. I know that watching this program or reading his book is going to directly remedy my problem. I know it. But when I do read a chapter or watch a program I get a better feeling all around and It is a start, it's not an immediate solution.
I am also in the same boat as you when I was reluctant to stop pressing forward with the issue. Like, I have been very hesitant to turn down the heat on my desire to find someone and to find them quickly. I am currently 26 and looking at everyone else I feel like I have no time to step back but you know what I do believe, I believe somehow I got off the wrong path in my thinking because I never use to be like this and the mere fact that I was not always like this alone gives me hope that it is possible to be different because I once was.
I also know I have approached this problem the best i know how and I came up with nothing. If I continue the same way as i have. I will be in the same exact spot 3 more years from now and I will still be posting the same stuff and I know I don't want to waste anymore time feeling like this. I have to try a different approach and I currently am.
Another thing.
If I were to tell you to show me a picture of a good looking guy or girl, could you really?
If you had a picture of Jennifer Lopez in front of you and you said to me, this is a good looking girl, would you really be telling something that was 100 percent true?
If you believed it to be true without a shadow of a doubt. I would then go ahead and say to you, PROVE IT TO ME.
Then when you really think about it, there is no way you could possibly prove it to me to be a fact. Impossible.
Something that is a fact needs to be proven scientifically time and time again and you would never be able to do that.
Now when someone says to you, No I do not think she is attractive you are gonna question how can they possibly think that?
FACT: Everyone does not find J. Lo attractive. That is what I believe and that is a true FACT that I could prove to you scientifically.
Now reverse the script.
It doesn't matter what is true, it matters what we truely believe to be fact.
I am curious, before you reject this idea, do you believe or practice any religon?
If so which one?
I for the past 3 years have been pressing forward and trying to find someone special that I can date. I have tried clubs, bars, online, friends of friends, you name it I have tried it. I have had no success in either category. When I think about how frustrated I have gotten while exhausting every option out there and still have had no success I can only scratch my head and wonder what do I try next.
I am so tired of going in circles and thinking everyday, what is wrong, why am I having so much trouble. Is there something wrong with me, is there a secret I don't know about. My mind is racing so fast day in and day out about how come I am not with someone and I am starting to have odd health problems and I am 100 percent sure they are attributed to my mind being so stressed.
I am currently in the process of a new strategy. I don't know if you will attempt it but, I definitely think it is worth a shot. I see that you post here a lot so i know that this problem is dominating every aspect of your daily life. I too will sit there and in the middle of working out will just think about how I don't have someone and will imediately want to leave the gym. The two things are unrelated and somehow I managae to say to myself you don't feel like working out because you have no one and the sad thing is, I believe it.
What I was saying was if you are religious and I hope you are somewhat cause if you do not believe in a higher power this will not help you at all.
I am currently reading "Your Best Life Now" by Pastor Joel Osteen and I also would like to say that Joel has a weekly program on which if you have Direct TV or any cable you can check him out at many times during the week. I know that watching this program or reading his book is going to directly remedy my problem. I know it. But when I do read a chapter or watch a program I get a better feeling all around and It is a start, it's not an immediate solution.
I am also in the same boat as you when I was reluctant to stop pressing forward with the issue. Like, I have been very hesitant to turn down the heat on my desire to find someone and to find them quickly. I am currently 26 and looking at everyone else I feel like I have no time to step back but you know what I do believe, I believe somehow I got off the wrong path in my thinking because I never use to be like this and the mere fact that I was not always like this alone gives me hope that it is possible to be different because I once was.
I also know I have approached this problem the best i know how and I came up with nothing. If I continue the same way as i have. I will be in the same exact spot 3 more years from now and I will still be posting the same stuff and I know I don't want to waste anymore time feeling like this. I have to try a different approach and I currently am.
Another thing.
If I were to tell you to show me a picture of a good looking guy or girl, could you really?
If you had a picture of Jennifer Lopez in front of you and you said to me, this is a good looking girl, would you really be telling something that was 100 percent true?
If you believed it to be true without a shadow of a doubt. I would then go ahead and say to you, PROVE IT TO ME.
Then when you really think about it, there is no way you could possibly prove it to me to be a fact. Impossible.
Something that is a fact needs to be proven scientifically time and time again and you would never be able to do that.
Now when someone says to you, No I do not think she is attractive you are gonna question how can they possibly think that?
FACT: Everyone does not find J. Lo attractive. That is what I believe and that is a true FACT that I could prove to you scientifically.
Now reverse the script.
It doesn't matter what is true, it matters what we truely believe to be fact.
DjDreamer
Master Don Juan
Sometimes I wonder if chancer is doing reverse psychology...I find it hard to believe that somone that is so depress has time to puntuate and parapragh his thoughts...it amazes me to see so call depress people discard advise over and over...it amases me to see so call depress people chase their tail...
"Why Women Dump the Guys Who Try the Hardest"
You paid for dinner. You drove. You said "whatever you want is fine" every single time. All the effort, no expectations.
And she left anyway — probably for a guy who makes her pick up the pizza.
Painful. Also predictable. Her mind quietly concludes that anything requiring zero effort from her is worth exactly zero. You became a free sample, and free samples get taken for granted.
The 22 Rules flip the dynamic. Small shifts that get her investing effort, money, and time in you — until SHE'S the one afraid of losing YOU.
DjDreamer
Master Don Juan
Yep, thinking long can be hazardous to your health.
Just remember these words...
Think long...think wrong...
I think a lot of people are in the same shoes as Chancer, they just dont have the balls to say so.
I would bet 90% of people that come here, never really improve. They never get to the point where they can approach and pickup women.
I would bet 90% of people that come here, never really improve. They never get to the point where they can approach and pickup women.
chancer357
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2004
- Messages
- 139
- Reaction score
- 0
You think the ability to spell or try to use grammar correctly has something to do with depression?
It would seem that you don't know many things about depression at all if this is amazing. Just stop reading the thread if you are tired of it.
chancer357
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2004
- Messages
- 139
- Reaction score
- 0
Don't worry about that. I'm not going though a another year of this, I've already decided. Soon I won't be posting or reading anymore.
DjDreamer
Master Don Juan
Yes...think about it...if you see somone dressed well, smelling good and smiling constantly /if you see somone looking presentable do you automaticaly think that person is depressed?
I believe truly depress people think 'why bother' when they do any task thus resulting in sloppy dressing and grammar compromise.
"Why Women Dump the Guys Who Try the Hardest"
You paid for dinner. You drove. You said "whatever you want is fine" every single time. All the effort, no expectations.
And she left anyway — probably for a guy who makes her pick up the pizza.
Painful. Also predictable. Her mind quietly concludes that anything requiring zero effort from her is worth exactly zero. You became a free sample, and free samples get taken for granted.
The 22 Rules flip the dynamic. Small shifts that get her investing effort, money, and time in you — until SHE'S the one afraid of losing YOU.
DjDreamer
Master Don Juan
Now what the hell is that suppose to mean? You're gonna become a munk?
I think you may benifit from a different forum:
http://www.trappedforums.com/ f
which is from the website:
http://www.trappedminds.org/
What is the purpose of this thread?
OK, let's see if I can understand this. Without going into detail, I used to have a minor problem with obsessive/compulsive disorder. It sounds like you don't have this but maybe something similar. With me, it was impossible not to think/do certain things, mostly mental rituals that had nothing to do with anything and made no sense whatsoever. In your case, it's just the opposite--it's impossible for you to do certain things, am I right? It's not that you're depressed, or not confident, or afraid--when you try to take action to improve things, nothing happens. Is that about right? You're hitting the switch but the machine isn't plugged in.
I don't have advice to offer, since others here have already said what I would have. Anyway, good luck.
OK, let's see if I can understand this. Without going into detail, I used to have a minor problem with obsessive/compulsive disorder. It sounds like you don't have this but maybe something similar. With me, it was impossible not to think/do certain things, mostly mental rituals that had nothing to do with anything and made no sense whatsoever. In your case, it's just the opposite--it's impossible for you to do certain things, am I right? It's not that you're depressed, or not confident, or afraid--when you try to take action to improve things, nothing happens. Is that about right? You're hitting the switch but the machine isn't plugged in.
I don't have advice to offer, since others here have already said what I would have. Anyway, good luck.
chancer357
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 3, 2004
- Messages
- 139
- Reaction score
- 0
I am depressed and far from confident, but otherwise you summed it up pretty simply.
DjDreamer
Master Don Juan
So chancer which monastery will you be joining?
"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"
She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.
You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.
She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.
The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.
DjDreamer
Master Don Juan
LoL
I knew chancer is suicidal but I just found the idea of me asking him which monestery he's planning on joining to be sort of comedic...just a little dark comedy...
I wonder what's up with the suicidal refusing to say they are suicidal? Why all the subtelty? I mean instead of chancer naming his thread "27 and nothing" he could have named it "27 and trying to find a reason to live".
Chancer...don't kill yourself...you have so much to live for...life is not just about women...you could create some masterful woodwork...or take a trip to Las Vegas...don't die a virgin...
Chancer,
Yours is a most unusual case. Getting women is the least of your problems, my friend, as I am sure you know. Fortunately, you have people here (well, some) who barely know you and don't neccesarily need to know you that well, who are still willing to help.
If you can't go up, then there is always the alternative of going down. Believe it or not, that is a viable route to happiness.
Truth be told, I don't see a lack of willingness to be your problem. Just a profound lack of understanding of how mental skills really work. That however, is something far easier to adress than doing things to change yourself. At the end of the day, once you understand how these work, using them is really a piece of cake.
I would strong recommend that you try out meditation. Just sitting down and watching either the breath or your own thoughts (I can give lots more detailed explanations if you want to know more) This is something that is boring as hell, virtually impossible to sustain your attention on with any kind of consistency and really doesn't provide you with that much staisfaction in the short run.
Which is just fine. The aim of meditation doesn't go beyond that.
Try it for just a few weeks, 2x10 minutes in the morning and evening, easy time to spare really (do you have that much better to use the time for?) and you will see the change though.
The thing you need to realise though that, almost regardless of whatever methods you use or have used to turn things around, you are not gonna be able to keep track of your progress. It just doesn't work like that. Progress is something you suddenly discover you have made when looking back. So basically, whatever you do, it's gonna require some trust. One may moan about it, keep checking up and so forth, which is fine, as long as we just step back a bit from that afterwards and trust it without the visible results.
Please do feel free to PM me or email me. I am not trying to tell you what to do change things around (meditation is just a suggestion to clear your eyes a bit - joining a monastery is another good advice. I've stayed in one and loved the solitude of it), just a bit of dialogue on our understanding of ourselves.
At the end of the day, as I see it anyway, the fundamental flaw in your attempts to change have been the premise that you need to be something else than you are now in order to improve. For a number of reasons, I consider that a useless (though easy to indulge) premise. All that one really needs, as far as personal happiness is concerned, is understanding of who you are. The rest will sort itself out from that.
You don't know how to understand yourself. Well, you're in luck. After many years of practising with many a method of wisdom and understanding of my own mind, and having found quite some peace of mind and happiness in my life through it, I have no idea how this understanding has arisen in me either! I do know that there is a path, of mindfulness and watching over your own mind, that somehow, seems to awaken this latent understanding, but the actual proccess is not anything I have had anything to do with. The only problem with this path of awareness is that it is too easy. People with great skill, sharp faculties and so forth tend to do too much of it.
The plus side of finding happiness going downwards like this is that on the flipside, it provides a much clearer happiness, just one taste to it, whereas people who find happiness from many things, women, success, social interaction and so forth, tend to dillute the quality of their happiness as they rely on these things for it. The downside is that it's not a terribly funny path, but then again, just being what you are right now isn't too funny either, is it?
Hoping that you will respond.
with blessings
Anders
Yours is a most unusual case. Getting women is the least of your problems, my friend, as I am sure you know. Fortunately, you have people here (well, some) who barely know you and don't neccesarily need to know you that well, who are still willing to help.
If you can't go up, then there is always the alternative of going down. Believe it or not, that is a viable route to happiness.
Truth be told, I don't see a lack of willingness to be your problem. Just a profound lack of understanding of how mental skills really work. That however, is something far easier to adress than doing things to change yourself. At the end of the day, once you understand how these work, using them is really a piece of cake.
I would strong recommend that you try out meditation. Just sitting down and watching either the breath or your own thoughts (I can give lots more detailed explanations if you want to know more) This is something that is boring as hell, virtually impossible to sustain your attention on with any kind of consistency and really doesn't provide you with that much staisfaction in the short run.
Which is just fine. The aim of meditation doesn't go beyond that.
Try it for just a few weeks, 2x10 minutes in the morning and evening, easy time to spare really (do you have that much better to use the time for?) and you will see the change though.
The thing you need to realise though that, almost regardless of whatever methods you use or have used to turn things around, you are not gonna be able to keep track of your progress. It just doesn't work like that. Progress is something you suddenly discover you have made when looking back. So basically, whatever you do, it's gonna require some trust. One may moan about it, keep checking up and so forth, which is fine, as long as we just step back a bit from that afterwards and trust it without the visible results.
Please do feel free to PM me or email me. I am not trying to tell you what to do change things around (meditation is just a suggestion to clear your eyes a bit - joining a monastery is another good advice. I've stayed in one and loved the solitude of it), just a bit of dialogue on our understanding of ourselves.
At the end of the day, as I see it anyway, the fundamental flaw in your attempts to change have been the premise that you need to be something else than you are now in order to improve. For a number of reasons, I consider that a useless (though easy to indulge) premise. All that one really needs, as far as personal happiness is concerned, is understanding of who you are. The rest will sort itself out from that.
You don't know how to understand yourself. Well, you're in luck. After many years of practising with many a method of wisdom and understanding of my own mind, and having found quite some peace of mind and happiness in my life through it, I have no idea how this understanding has arisen in me either! I do know that there is a path, of mindfulness and watching over your own mind, that somehow, seems to awaken this latent understanding, but the actual proccess is not anything I have had anything to do with. The only problem with this path of awareness is that it is too easy. People with great skill, sharp faculties and so forth tend to do too much of it.
The plus side of finding happiness going downwards like this is that on the flipside, it provides a much clearer happiness, just one taste to it, whereas people who find happiness from many things, women, success, social interaction and so forth, tend to dillute the quality of their happiness as they rely on these things for it. The downside is that it's not a terribly funny path, but then again, just being what you are right now isn't too funny either, is it?
Hoping that you will respond.
with blessings
Anders