advice column question: Husband who hasn’t had sex in years asks, ‘Is this normal?’

[MatureDJ]

Hi, Carolyn: Should I be worried that my wife and I have had no sex for literally years? I am guessing it is at least three years. Not even heavy make-out sessions. It just seems that my wife has no interest. I am afraid to broach the subject for fear of a negative answer.

We don’t sleep in the same bed anymore either. I am a big snorer and chose to sleep in the guest room. It’s fine because she is a light sleeper and I am happier that she is getting her sleep. I do use a CPAP but it does come off sometimes.

The no-sex thing just happened over time. We have both gained some weight but we are not obese — we could both lose 20 or 30 pounds.

Is this normal or should we seek help?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Lose your weight. You probably will lose your snoring issue. I was 50lbs over and at night I was told I snored like a grizzly. It was insanely loud. My breathing was so bad I would wakeup multiple times. So I dropped the weight and the snoring went away and so did the breathing problems. Either go in with your wife to lose weight or lead by example. It'll take 2-3 months to get that off.

 

[Roober]

Western medicine cracks me up... Let's not fix the root issue of why he snores and can't sleep well.. Let's give him a friggin CPAP, which basically puts a bandaid on gaping wound...

 

[King of Action]

I read this same article last week. It goes to show that marriage and sex is overrated. Their marriage is still intact but there's way more than sex missing in their marriage.

 

[Omega_Dawg93]

Western medicine cracks me up... Let's not fix the root issue of why he snores and can't sleep well.. Let's give him a friggin CPAP, which basically puts a bandaid on gaping wound...

there are small (skinny) people that require CPAPs.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

Is it still a marriage? Sounds more like they are cohabiting. Legally I guess it is.
The weight isn't the issue although it doesn't help. The issue is boredom. They have ground the passion out of each other or life has. I am sure she still wants sex, just not with him. He still wants sex. Neither of them are working very hard at making the other feel wanted or sexy. Why is the question being asked now 3 YEARS after the sex dried up and not 3 days or 3 months.
Normally I would say apply covert dread but that is pointless if the other person doesnt give a f-ck.

Some people have little or no sex drive. Even so, they both need to get passionate about something.

 

[speed dawg]

So what was Carolyn's answer?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

It's normal for some people, but if sex is important to you you shouldn't let it be YOUR normal. I know a guy with a 30 day rule. If wife doesn't put out in 30 days he's cheating. Also after 6 months of this he will be looking for a divorce.

 

[daddymonsterpoodle]

I acknowledge that for some people sex isn't that big a deal. I know that when my marriage turned to sh-t and the sex stopped I didn't miss the sex as much as the affectiion that created the desire for sex.