About being cheated on (or not).

[Paradiddle]

Hey gents,

I have been in this forum for years. I have taken a lot from this platform which has undoubtedly helped me a lot.
My friends have asked for help from me a lot of times re relationships, sex, approaching women etc. Usually, I either give them some advice or ask them to join this forum to get help. However, recently one of my close friends who I consider an alpha male (Not sure even if that’s a term now) said that he found out that his then girlfriend and now wife had some sort of affair with another guy 4 years ago. They’re married for 2 years now. He could not be sure if he was cheated on or she was just seeking some male comfort when he was away for about 6 months. He has asked me for some advice on how to deal with it and I seriously had no answer. He is not in the condition to come upto this forum and seek help. Is there anything you guys would advice on how to deal with it? He counts on me for suggestions but I am unsure as to what I can say at this stage.

 

[Agamemnon43]

I think nothing left to do here except give it some time and the truth about her behavior will come out eventually. He won't find out the truth what happened back then, as AA said. If he starts digging now, he might ruin what is left good about his marriage, especially if the info is false.

 

[SW15]

Needs to file for divorce immediately. Otherwise, he is a cuckold.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Oh she was fvcking him most likely.

There is a reason why military guys are fearful of getting deployed and why the divorce rate is so high.

If they aren't there to fvck them someone else will be.

Dude needs to stop wasting his time with this woman. He knows she cheated on him and he doesn't trust her.

This relationship is dead. How long he wants to keep it on life support is his call. Just pull the plug and get it over with.

 

[The Duke]

I'd want to know more before I offered my opinion.

-What is their marriage like? They get along good? Kids?
-Has he asked her about this? Its not hard to figure out when people are lying. How did he find out? Some other female tell him this? He isn't even sure if this actully happened.
-Does he have trust issues? Will he be able to get over this?
-What kind of profile does she fit? Seeks attention often? Social Media Wh0re? Never been without a guy? Lots of male friends?

Once a cheater always a cheater. And once a person with trust issues, always a person with trust issues. You haven't presented enough to hold court.

 

[Gamisch]

We western men complain about our women,meanwhile WE are the ones who allow all this shyte to happen.

Instead of punishing such behavior we rather double down on our investment ( impregnate her, marry her, buy a house with her, start a business with her ect) in hopes she'll "see the true value we have" while positioning her in such a way that she "can't leave".

Fecking leave. If we are friends and you tell me you stole money from me a year ago...this a BIG problem. That's a trust issue.

One chance per woman per lifetime.

 

[plumber]

don't care about the girl, for the guy, its all about what is going on in his head. if this is killing him, he needs to adjust.

choices-
- leave; and heal.
- adjust his viewpoint so it doesn't bother him; emotional control and self understanding.
- wither and die.

 

[Learning Curve]

Hey gents,

I have been in this forum for years. I have taken a lot from this platform which has undoubtedly helped me a lot.
My friends have asked for help from me a lot of times re relationships, sex, approaching women etc. Usually, I either give them some advice or ask them to join this forum to get help. However, recently one of my close friends who I consider an alpha male (Not sure even if that’s a term now) said that he found out that his then girlfriend and now wife had some sort of affair with another guy 4 years ago. They’re married for 2 years now. He could not be sure if he was cheated on or she was just seeking some male comfort when he was away for about 6 months. He has asked me for some advice on how to deal with it and I seriously had no answer. He is not in the condition to come upto this forum and seek help. Is there anything you guys would advice on how to deal with it? He counts on me for suggestions but I am unsure as to what I can say at this stage.

The question here is, did she do it again?

Because he was away once, how many times he was away?

But to be honest, this is a huge red flag.

I'm not sure what the status of their relationship is now, how they are together but she cheated in the past, she kept it for herself and she got married. What does that tell you?

Liar and a cheater.

Big no no, my friend.

Personally, apart from confronting her about it, i would dumb her pretty much.

But, i'm who i am and i don't want to transfer my opinions to other people. Speak with your friend and ask him what he wants.

They are married, does he have assets, wealth etc? He has to take everything into consideration.

But at the end of the day, it's all about your friends tolerance level. If he can move forward from this he will probably be afraid for the rest of his life and sleep with one eye open if he is ever gone again.

 

[BaronOfHair]

However, recently one of my close friends....

Someone's revisited The Last Dragon recently

 

[Vanderdonck]

Seeking male comfort - whose words were those? Hers?

Anyway it's human nature. Six months is a long enough time that people will seek some sexual pleasure and/or companionship.

Best advice is go with the gut. No kids involved? Be prepared to walk. Don't play detective, it's a waste of time and he will find out things worse than this.

If it costs your peace of mind, it's too expensive.

 

[Everything_but_Game]

My standard rule is to end the relationship if there was cheating at any time.

But more importantly, whether she did or didn't cheat... would your friend now be able to leave for another 6 months without fearing she is going to cheat on him?
I suspect not.

"We're fine as long as I don't leave for more than a month" seems pretty suspect, in my opinion.

Living in this kind of fear is no good; I don't see this as salvageable but your friend's opinion is the one that matters.

 

[Westminster]

She cheats, it's over. End of.

I know that might sound a bit brutal but, for me, there's no way back. She's betrayed you on every level.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Ahh, the good old "asking for a friend" trope. This is an anonymous message board...what's the point?

We regards to your question, more information is required. What makes you suspect that your wife had an affair? How did you find out?

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

Cheating = end of relationship, no exceptions. It is betrayal, I consider it evil, especially from women married to a man in the service (which is shockingly, disgustingly common btw).

Tell him to get a lawyer and leave her. If kids weren't involved, I'd suggest never speaking to her again.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Hey gents,

I have been in this forum for years. I have taken a lot from this platform which has undoubtedly helped me a lot.
My friends have asked for help from me a lot of times re relationships, sex, approaching women etc. Usually, I either give them some advice or ask them to join this forum to get help. However, recently one of my close friends who I consider an alpha male (Not sure even if that’s a term now) said that he found out that his then girlfriend and now wife had some sort of affair with another guy 4 years ago. They’re married for 2 years now. He could not be sure if he was cheated on or she was just seeking some male comfort when he was away for about 6 months. He has asked me for some advice on how to deal with it and I seriously had no answer. He is not in the condition to come upto this forum and seek help. Is there anything you guys would advice on how to deal with it? He counts on me for suggestions but I am unsure as to what I can say at this stage.

My takes:

He showed no proof she cheated during or before marriage.

If she “cheated” while they were “bf and gf,” it doesn’t count because I consider “bf and gf” a bullsh-t construct (personal belief I push on no one) and they’re married now.

If there are children involved, no divorce unless there’s proof she cheated during the marriage.

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

My takes:

He showed no proof she cheated during or before marriage.

If she “cheated” while they were “bf and gf,” it doesn’t count because I consider “bf and gf” a bullsh-t construct (personal belief I push on no one) and they’re married now.

If there are children involved, no divorce unless there’s proof she cheated during the marriage.

From a legal perspective yes, he should feign ignorance and get proof.

But what do you mean he "showed no proof"? OP said his friend "found out" - that could mean anything.

 

[BaronOfHair]

- that could mean anything.

Yeah, OP's "friend" may have arrived home early one day to discover his lady stark naked and down on all fours in the middle of the f-cking living room, with his own father behind her, equally bare and pumping away like a madman

And for all we know, his thoughts and emotions about all of this were and remain complicated: "This was perhaps the most vile betrayal imaginable... My woman decided to bed down with the dude who provided the semen which I sprung from, AND she let HIM through the back door, after staunchly refusing to let me do so. That said, I have to admit: The plastic surgeon in Thailand who gave pops that penis enlargement did brilliant work. Those 15gs were well spent"

 

[Manure Spherian]

. He could not be sure if he was cheated on or she was just seeking some male comfort when he was away for about 6 months

@FlexpertHamilton OP wrote the above. He also didn’t say there was cheating in the marriage, but that it might have occurred while they were “bf and gf” (goofball construct if there is no cohabitation in most cases).

 

[The Diver]

Ahh, the good old "asking for a friend" trope. This is an anonymous message board...what's the point?

Some military and law enforcement not allowed to post publicly.

 

[Paradiddle]

Hey gents,

Thanks for all your replies/suggestions. And I’m sorry for not clarifying everything because even I am not sure. So here are some details as far as I know.

1) He thought she could have cheated on him because he was using her iPad (they share it) and checked her messenger. Probably something triggered and he wanted to see what happened during the time he was away. I don’t know why he did this and neither does he. The messages were mostly flirting with each other, giving each others cute names, and setting a time to meet. Nothing more than that. But as you know when someone feels insecure, there’s whole lot of things you would imagine that could have happened. Eg: sex.

2) Can’t give a reason why he is not in forums like this one. Probably there are some people who don’t want to talk about their stuff in a forum? Also, he was not the one who asked me to get advice from the internet. He had asked me for advice considering me a close friend and I came here to get some opinion. However, I feel like this was not a good idea for me to discuss his situation because there are so many things that need clarification and I can’t speak for him.

3) Regarding their personal lives, they’re married for two years but been together for 8 years. Had planned on buying a house soon but that’s pending. No kids.

I know these information might not be enough to suggest anything and I apologise because I just wanted to help a friend. If it was me, it would have been much easier to discuss. If you guys see my past posts from years and years back, you can see how honest I have been to you guys and that helped me heaps. But for this friend, probably he needs to talk directly to you guys, like I did.

Let me tell you what the current scenario is:
He confronted her. Told her what he saw in the messenger. As expected, she said she was just having fun and nothing else and that was years ago when she was dumb and was amongst the circle of friends who believed that a little bit of flirting would do no harm.

I must also tell you that he told me he had banged a few chicks when he was still in relationship with her. I feel like he is not willing to leave her and probably trying to find ways to compensate. Eg: ‘She was just only flirting but I was having sex with a few chicks. Hence, that’s okay but she is loyal now and I am too. So we should bury the hatchet.’ Hence, he has most probably forgiven her. I am unsure if he can continue living like this. I will leave it to him.

Anyway, thanks guys for all your invaluable wisdom. Some of you are amazing. But I must also say that a lot of people here are a bit militant which is not always helpful, in my humble opinion.

Cheers.