A question for those who have been in LTR's...

[Industry]

Hey everyone.

I have dated my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years now and she, for the most part, has been an awesome companion. Of course we have had our differences and growing up together in a relationship made it harder (22 and 20 respectively). But overall she is a good girl.

Well over the past few weeks she had been spending all of her free time with her friend because she was moving to Austrailia (and if u live there, a hottie just came your way). I had no problem with that... she just told me to be patient and everything would be back to normal soon. So I did exactly that and went about my business. I'm not a jealous or grossly insecure guy so this kind of stuff doesn't really bother me.

And I waited...

She left for her dad's house in Arizona the day her friend left for Australia and when she came back everything was different. She told me she needed time to 'figure herself out.' She went on to say that she needed to 'know what it feels like to be alone' and all of this stuff. I guess being in a relationship since she was 17 took its toll on her (and it was intense). She said she couldn't see me now and that she wanted her space apart for awhile BUT she wanted to stay commited to each other while apart. Now I know what you are thinking... but she isn't just blowing smoke up my a$$. I am always very forthcoming with people and vice versa with her (and thats what brought us together).

So I ask you now for some advice. What is going on here? And should I be the loyal boyfriend and stick by her side. I have been very torn by this and I need to figure this out.

thanks in advance.

 

[Reto]

I can see why she wants some space. (Just a guess)...

Her friend is off on some adventure going to Australia. Your girl friend is re-assessing her life. Sounds like she's bored with her life.

She may need some excitment. Some adventure. Can you do anything to provide this for her?

When I was that age, my life wasn't going any where and I was bored with school and work. So, I joined the Army... (don't let her do that though)...

 

[MDgood]

Dude, I hate to say it, but that phrase "figure herself out" means that it's going to more than likely be over soon. I got that line after high school, and my guy friends all got that line after high school, too. In fact, I remember the first weekend we were all back home from college, and I went on a night out with my girlfriend, my friend, and my friend's girlfriend. At the end of that night, my friend and I were both single! ROTFL! We both got dumped by being told a variation of "I gotta figure myself out." The best thing about that night? Me and my friend are still friends, almost 15 years later.

She's 20 years old, and you're only 22! She's not legal to even drink yet! You probably shared some great times together, but it's time to move on and see more of this world. She may have been great, but I guarantee you that you'll find a thousand more who are better than she is.

 

[Industry]

Hey I'm usually pretty exciting. We go out all the time. Dinner, movies, even went to catalina island for a day trip a month ago. I had asked her if anything was missing and she said yes, but she didn't know what it was. I've tried to be as supportive as I can... even going so far as telling her that I was proud of her... but its just so confusing to me. For me... I just ask myself... 'why would you give up a good thing after so long?' and 'why don't u let me help or be here for you.' that's all i wanted to do... and that is coming from a caring standpoint. Man other than that I don't know WTF is going on. It's all a blur.

 

[MDgood]

Hey, dude, it's not you in the least, not at all. Don't sit around and question why she's feeling this way. This is just something girls do when they've been in LTRs at a young age. I mean, it's quite possible I'm wrong on this, but I've seen it happen so many times before. Get prepared for the inevitable, and let me know how this turns out.

 

[KiInCollege]

If she is sincere about remaining faithful then I wouldn't worry. However, if you detect the slightest interest on her part to see other people, then sitting back and waiting may not be the answer (if you want to keep her and not look around yourself).

I'm in a similar situation - school's over and my girl is away and back at home. Until she comes back we want to be faithful, but we (well, more on my part) realize we may get lonely so we are technically allowed to see other people. But we keep in touch and it's obvious we care about each other more than we realized.

You don't know how much someone means to you until they're gone.

The love is there and it's doubtful either of us will find another person better. We just have to fight that loneliness for the next few months.

In your case, you should evaluate how long she wants to be alone and if the "love is there" for her to truly remain yours. However, the tone in your letter makes me think she is distancing herself with no intention of going back. If that's true, there may not be much you can do except to start looking for others or hope after some time she changes her mind. Stay strong and a challenge during this time.

 

[Reto]

MD is right.

Let her figure herself out. When she does it might not include you. Haven't you ever heard that "you never really know who you are until your in your late 20's"? You know. What you want out of life, etc...

Think about it. She's (and you) have been in a relationship your whole adult life. Be single for a while. Go out with other people.

 

[KiInCollege]

Let me elaborate on "strong." You seems like an understanding guy who deserves respect. If you don't understand why your girl needs time to herself (which rationally, hasn't she had enough time?), then you should have a talk with her. If I were in your shoes, the conversation would go something like this:

Man: It's been a few months now. I know you said you need time, but haven't you decided what you want?

Woman: I dunno...I just need time to myself...to think, y'know?

Man: ...no, I don't know. Listen, I care about you, but I don't know what to do right now, really. You say you want to be committed and not see other people, but we're apart right now. If you were me, wouldn't you be a little confused?

Woman: ...I just...just need some time. I'm still young, y'know? We've been together awhile, but I've been thinking...

Man: Thinking about what?

Woman: ....

[Let us know how it goes]

 

[Quick]

Take her at her word, for now. I agree with those who said that she's realized the constraints on her life, being with you all this time. There's a lot of things she won't really experience because she got tied down so early in life. Things like picking up stakes and traveling to the other side of the world because you want to, without having to compromise with someone.

I also have to tell you that i've never seen people take time apart and then go back to each other as happy as they were before. Either the person that wanted space is still unhappy, or the other person has lost trust in the relationship. Also, the person that needed space, almost never does anything constructive with the time apart. They maybe date, they stay in their depression, and they never come up with any concrete solutions to improve what's wrong with their life. Meanwhile, the other person waits, frustrated, until they can't take it any more and demand the first person makes a decision.

What do you need to do? Ordinarily, I would say break it off now, but i'll trust your judgement that she doesn't simply want to keep you on a leash while she tries to find something better. First, you need to let her go. Don't try to convince her and don't try to force your help on her. If she feels held down, anything you do will aggravate the feelings. Don't keep calling or demand answers. Let her see what it's like to have space, to see if she really enjoys it. Call her sparingly.

Second. Tell her she'll have her space, but put a time limit that's a month at maximum(you decide on exact time). Tell her that you'll stay committed for that time, but after that she needs to come back to you completely or break it off completely. You're giving her some leeway because you have a lot invested, but it's very unfair to ask somebody to wait for an indefinite period of time while you make up your mind.

Third, learn from her example. She's putting her personal happiness above any obligation to you. You should be doing the same. During this defined break time, you need to reconsider this relationship as much as she does. During the time apart, don't cheat, but take a look around at what the world has to offer. Do some things that you don't normally do because she wouldn't want to do them with you. When you've been in a long term relationship, you start to lose your self-identity. Try to rediscover what makes you happy. Whatever you do, don't sit around the house thinking about what she's up to. If you're honest and thorough, she might come back to you, while you decide that you no longer want her. Seriously consider if you're with her because you're used to her, and she's not that bad, and you have a lot invested; or if you're with her because she makes you so happy that she can't be improved on. Prepare yourself for the possibility that she may be gone.

 

[Bungo Pony]

Originally posted by Industry
She told me she needed time to 'figure herself out.' She went on to say that she needed to 'know what it feels like to be alone' and all of this stuff. I guess being in a relationship since she was 17 took its toll on her (and it was intense).

Been there, done that. All I can say is there is most likely another guy in the picture. I was with my ex when she was age 16-20. She gave me the exact same lines when she moved out of the apartment we lived in.

I was going through a garbage bag that she had packed. I heard a beeping coming from it. Turned out to be an old broken watch, but I stumbled upon a letter she had thrown out that was addressed to another guy.

Don't waste your time waiting, you'll grow old and die.

 

[Slickster]

Been in this position many times

When you get serious with someone in your early twenties this type of thing inevitably happens.

Theres a lot of growing up going on and one person needs his or her space.

The part that kills me is that you could be the best boyfriend in the world and it still wouldn't matter. No super Dj skills can save this relationship. She needs to be apart from you for a while a least.

I feel for you man. Been through this too many times. Its been the toughest thing to endure.

My advice: Walk away from her with a smile. The more you try to hang on the further away she'll get.

 

[madgame]

Ive never been in a LTR , BUT I read an article on this page a while ago..or maybe on becomeaplayer.com (dunno if these sites r connected but there r also some articles from this site) Anyways, in that article it says somethin like if ur g/f tells u she needs space and so on the best thing to do is to just give her that space........Im not quite sure what it said but maybe u can find that article on here...

 

[valera]

If she needs some space, that means she boinked somebody in AZ. Get your **** back and start seeing other people. Sucks.

 

[ASav]

You know what's ****ed up, I'll tell you. If a guy was to give the "I need space" speech to the girl, it would blow up in his face. The girl, she gets away with it. Go figure.

 

[-Zero_h0uR-]

I agree with what Bungo said.

About 6 months before my LTR ended, she said the same thing. She needed time, wanted to "break up," but stay comitted until she graduated. So we did, and we did, and I still spent every weekend at her place, and since she lived close, I saw her a lot through the week. HOWEVER, this is an impending sign of doom. In my relationship, after 6 months, I told her, "I think that it's best if we actually broke up. This isn't getting either of us anywhere." She agreed completely, and said she was thinking the same thing.

So we did. And that's that. She wanted to remain friends, and she wanted me to be her "best friend, still because I always was," but as soon as she told me a story about this guy after her, I broke connection. I still talk to her now and again, because her parents are like parents to me. I love her mom and dad, so most of the contact we have is through them.

Woah, I went on and on. Regardless, this is the beginning of the end. If it's not you, it will be her.


-- Zero-

 

[Industry]

Well I talked to her awhile ago on the phone. I wanted to get everything straight so I knew where we stood.... and now I know. We aren't together and we never will be again. Goddam this sucks a$$.... what do i need to do now? I've never gone through this before as she was the first girlfriend that I actually gave a rats balls about. I feel like total crap right now.... she led me on forever in saying that everything was OK when in fact it wasn't. WEll whatever I can't lets things I have no control over get me down... Anyways. It's late and I really just want to go have a smoke right now. But any advice for me would be and is appreciated.


thanks everyone.

 

[drZaius09]

Now I know what you are thinking... but she isn't just blowing smoke up my a$$.

No, of course not.

Originally posted by Reto
She may need some excitment. Some adventure. Can you do anything to provide this for her?

F*ck that. Don't provide sh1t for her! You just let her have all the space she needs. Don't delude yourself into thinking she is the only girl in the world for you just because you've been with her for so long. Open your eyes to the millions of other women available to you right now.

 

[Industry]

you obviously didn't read my last post. but thanks anyways .

 

[Industry]

You know what sucks... I picture her boning some other dude like one of you who are just out there for the kill and don't really want anything to do with her... haha. But no seriously.

 

[trajhenkhet]

Ouch. All I can say is to try and reflect, at a later time, how some things changed that felt awkward in the relationship. One can usually tag the problem around that sort of area.