In life, people either grow together or grow apart. Many times, in a relationship you don’t always understand someone’s true character. People can easily put on a mask. Over time, you get to understand the person and their true colors, character, loyalty and integrity. And it isn’t necessarily that these are bad people. A lot of these people are just hard wired through their upbringing and neurochemistry to crave a thrill and dopamine hit. It is something that was modeled in their upbringing, say with a mom who constantly cheated on her partners or a father who had alcohol issues and would act on a whim. In terms of the origins of this behavior, we must consider nature and nurture. The scientific literature is mixed but generally agrees that around 75% of our behavior is determined by our genetics. Think of our genetics as the actual keys that can be played on the piano. The other 25% are determined by our environment, coined epigenetics. This is how our genes are actually regulated. So for example, a prototypical malignant person can be brought up in a nurturing, loving environment with morals and ethics, and ultimately not take the beaten path. Look into the case of neuroscientist James Fallon. Think of the environment as which of the available keys get played. So you can imagine the importance of environment, as we do not control our genetics in a feasible manner. Technologies such as CRISPR/Cas9 have promising benefits in terms of gene editing, such as replacing a gene's sequence, but have not yet reached human trials. Much is to be done in that arena for us to begin to unravel the negativity of our genes, let alone identify the genes associated with certain behaviors.
There is another key perspective on environment. Environment shapes how our brain is wired. So there is a term coined plasticity, which is essentially your brain’s ability to change through mappings, or which parts of the brain fire when you are in certain environments. These mappings are engrained during our critical period at a very young age, which is why learning multiple languages and instruments can be extremely easy at that time – hence the importance of a stable upbringing with a close and healthy relationship to both parents, who want the best for you. Once those patterns are engrained, say being surrounding by a parent who cheats and lies, the child is set on a highly predictable yet changeable path. They are exponentially more likely, say in that case, to repeat the experience with their parent. For example, I’ve dated a single mom who was very motivated and a great person, but couldn’t overcome her upbringing when it came to insecurity and infidelity. The moment she feared abandonment, she felt the need to get external validation, cheated on me, and lied to me constantly as I was the provider of security, not spontaneity.
What you have to realize in these circumstances is that it is not your fault. You could be highly ambitious, physically attractive, successful in your career, a loving partner, and people with this engrained wiring will still crave the dopamine hit of an affair. It is scientifically supported that intercourse during cheating is far more arousing, orgasms are more powerful and easier to obtain, and both partners feel a thrill. These affairs may be long-term in the case of cheating on their partners, which keeps the thrill as they are breaking a relational contract. Sex with their actual partner becomes an obligation as they center their sexual identity and spontaneity with their 'partner in crime.' Am I suggesting that these character flaws and brain wiring are unable to be changed? Absolutely not. Humans at any age have the capacity to change through lingering plasticity, which can be activated through mindfulness meditation, medical care, therapy and spirituality. Mindfulness meditation in particularly has been scientifically proven to change the way your brain works and its mappings. But the more engrained the mapping, the more difficult it is to change. People need to recognize their character flaws, which are often unconscious due to the deep trauma their often experience in their childhood.
But in some more malicious cases, particularly with cluster B personality disorders, people realize their character flaws and also get a thrill off of lying, manipulating, and controlling others. These are the people you especially need to watch out for, as they can put on a mask for years, whether a relationship progresses to marriage and even having kids together. So it is really important that you vet who you are dating and your partners over time, regardless of how nice they are and what stage of the relationship you are in. There are ways you can speed up the process, but letting them do most of the talking on their upbringing, like whether they have a strong relationship with their parents and who they surround themselves with. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, as those environmental influences predominate over time. And you should always be vetting your partner and being your best self. Always assume best intent, but trust and verify. And if your gut feeling is off, don’t act right away but take that as a data point, and pay more attention to their patterns. Your gut feeling often precedes conscious awareness, as you are putting together a magnitude of data points and pattern matching.
Getting good at nonverbal communication is key as well, outside of the theory and putting it to practice. Over 90% of the message we send across is nonverbal, such as our tone and body language. And never give off tells and that you are catching on if you suspect your partner is cheating. Continue probing and investigating, as cheaters left unsuspected always reveal their true colors. Never reveal your cards, and stay vigilant. You deserve the best life possible, and cannot be dragged down by someone else. Live a life of positivity, remove the negativity, stay on your purpose, secure your legacy, and make the world a better place.
There is another key perspective on environment. Environment shapes how our brain is wired. So there is a term coined plasticity, which is essentially your brain’s ability to change through mappings, or which parts of the brain fire when you are in certain environments. These mappings are engrained during our critical period at a very young age, which is why learning multiple languages and instruments can be extremely easy at that time – hence the importance of a stable upbringing with a close and healthy relationship to both parents, who want the best for you. Once those patterns are engrained, say being surrounding by a parent who cheats and lies, the child is set on a highly predictable yet changeable path. They are exponentially more likely, say in that case, to repeat the experience with their parent. For example, I’ve dated a single mom who was very motivated and a great person, but couldn’t overcome her upbringing when it came to insecurity and infidelity. The moment she feared abandonment, she felt the need to get external validation, cheated on me, and lied to me constantly as I was the provider of security, not spontaneity.
What you have to realize in these circumstances is that it is not your fault. You could be highly ambitious, physically attractive, successful in your career, a loving partner, and people with this engrained wiring will still crave the dopamine hit of an affair. It is scientifically supported that intercourse during cheating is far more arousing, orgasms are more powerful and easier to obtain, and both partners feel a thrill. These affairs may be long-term in the case of cheating on their partners, which keeps the thrill as they are breaking a relational contract. Sex with their actual partner becomes an obligation as they center their sexual identity and spontaneity with their 'partner in crime.' Am I suggesting that these character flaws and brain wiring are unable to be changed? Absolutely not. Humans at any age have the capacity to change through lingering plasticity, which can be activated through mindfulness meditation, medical care, therapy and spirituality. Mindfulness meditation in particularly has been scientifically proven to change the way your brain works and its mappings. But the more engrained the mapping, the more difficult it is to change. People need to recognize their character flaws, which are often unconscious due to the deep trauma their often experience in their childhood.
But in some more malicious cases, particularly with cluster B personality disorders, people realize their character flaws and also get a thrill off of lying, manipulating, and controlling others. These are the people you especially need to watch out for, as they can put on a mask for years, whether a relationship progresses to marriage and even having kids together. So it is really important that you vet who you are dating and your partners over time, regardless of how nice they are and what stage of the relationship you are in. There are ways you can speed up the process, but letting them do most of the talking on their upbringing, like whether they have a strong relationship with their parents and who they surround themselves with. You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, as those environmental influences predominate over time. And you should always be vetting your partner and being your best self. Always assume best intent, but trust and verify. And if your gut feeling is off, don’t act right away but take that as a data point, and pay more attention to their patterns. Your gut feeling often precedes conscious awareness, as you are putting together a magnitude of data points and pattern matching.
Getting good at nonverbal communication is key as well, outside of the theory and putting it to practice. Over 90% of the message we send across is nonverbal, such as our tone and body language. And never give off tells and that you are catching on if you suspect your partner is cheating. Continue probing and investigating, as cheaters left unsuspected always reveal their true colors. Never reveal your cards, and stay vigilant. You deserve the best life possible, and cannot be dragged down by someone else. Live a life of positivity, remove the negativity, stay on your purpose, secure your legacy, and make the world a better place.
