45 and really starting over

[cptn sensible]

Not sure if I'm in the right place. Title says it all.

Divorced for 8 years. Divorce cleaned me out. Been raising a son for the past 8 years and haven't really been with any women since the divorce. There were a couple but the circumstances behind them and my memory of them is so hazy I couldn't tell you any details. Floozys.

Anyway, I've been dealing with a lot so I haven't really been interested in women. But now I am, at 45. I virtually have no experience. The marriage was the last women that I had any real experience with. I find myself needing advice. I don't know how to approach women or talk to them. I'm like a fumbling idiot. Here's the pros and cons about me as I see them:

Cons---

don't drink
no money
bald----I've been told I look exactly like Hunter S Thompson
attitude-----feel like I'm ugly and wrinkled-----look like I'm 60
No real interests that I've acted upon in the last 10 years.
No friends

Pros----

don't drink
slowly beginning---and I mean slowly-----to save some money. Not much, but I finally managed to land a 1/2 decent job
reasonably intelligent and can carry a conversation on most anything
have my own side business-going slow but it's there
not in bad shape----workout 3x weekly. At least I did. I broke my rib 3 weeks ago while doing a muscle up---fell on my ribs on the bar.
Decent apartment and car
Beautiful son

So....I don't know. Any advice for an old man jumping into this now? I don't even know where to start. I read the bible, but it seems more geared toward a younger man. I've been saying "hi" to random women that I see in the stores (the only place I go) just to get some practice. I don't really care if the answer me or not. It'd be nice, but........I feel like I'm too old and I'd be left over with "leftovers" if I could get anyone at all. I mean, considering the pros and cons I listed, I wouldn't go for someone like me. I don't drink, so I won't meet anyone in a bar or club.

your comments will be heard.

Cool site here. I like reading some of the threads.....

Thanks

 

[Spinach]

Older than you. First thing to change is your attitude. You have value. Realize it. Own your baldness as at your age it really is not a big deal. Lose your gut if you have one. When you heal keep up with the gym work not only for physical gains but it will increase your self respect. Be realistic in what kind of women you will attract. Most will be divorced, probably a little plump, have teen age kids and come with drama. Only you can decide how much baggage your willing to accept for companionship. Go to places with other parent types, not where there are a bunch of single snobs that will crush your soul before you can get your feet under yourself. Money is necessary to date. Hard to argue with that, but there are a ton of free or nearly free things to do with women your age. Only the gold diggers need to be constantly impressed. Most divorced moms want attention and companionship rather than a huge bank roll. And don't give up on you or your abilities. Start slow and learn as you go. Good luck.

 

[logicallefty]

Welcome to the forum. Other than what you listed as PROS, saying hi to random women, not caring if women say hi back or not are two additional things you are doing RIGHT. As well as reading the posts on this forum. All great things. What you sound like you are doing wrong is not having enough self confidence. You have to like yourself before you can expect a woman to also. You talk about women "leftovers" and yeah there are plenty of those our age, are there ever. What you can always do is start dating the women that you can attract, even if they are leftovers. But upon doing so don't think about them past the date. Just think "I am going to go out and have a good time with this woman tonight and only tonight. I don't care what happens after tonight". Get some mud for your duck if you get a chance. By dating down below the women you want it will start to build your confidence. Then when that happens, you can move up the scale and date better woman than the last. Until you finally are dating the women you want. It's a journey. Not something that happens over night.

 

[cptn sensible]

Older than you. First thing to change is your attitude. You have value. Realize it. Own your baldness as at your age it really is not a big deal. Lose your gut if you have one. When you heal keep up with the gym work not only for physical gains but it will increase your self respect. Be realistic in what kind of women you will attract. Most will be divorced, probably a little plump, have teen age kids and come with drama. Only you can decide how much baggage your willing to accept for companionship. Go to places with other parent types, not where there are a bunch of single snobs that will crush your soul before you can get your feet under yourself. Money is necessary to date. Hard to argue with that, but there are a ton of free or nearly free things to do with women your age. Only the gold diggers need to be constantly impressed. Most divorced moms want attention and companionship rather than a huge bank roll. And don't give up on you or your abilities. Start slow and learn as you go. Good luck.

Thanks. always been down on myself for one reason or another. It's like I find reasons. there's probably millions of guys who'd change placed with me in a second

I considered shaving my head but I did it once and I look like a convict. now I look like hunter S., good or bad, I guess.

No gut. Always been on good shape. Been working out off and on since 16.

And if they're not after a bank roll the they'll love me.

Baby steps, I suppose.

Thanks for the reply

 

[cptn sensible]

Welcome to the forum. Other than what you listed as PROS, saying hi to random women, not caring if women say hi back or not are two additional things you are doing RIGHT. As well as reading the posts on this forum. All great things. What you sound like you are doing wrong is not having enough self confidence. You have to like yourself before you can expect a woman to also. You talk about women "leftovers" and yeah there are plenty of those our age, are there ever. What you can always do is start dating the women that you can attract, even if they are leftovers. But upon doing so don't think about them past the date. Just think "I am going to go out and have a good time with this woman tonight and only tonight. I don't care what happens after tonight". Get some mud for your duck if you get a chance. By dating down below the women you want it will start to build your confidence. Then when that happens, you can move up the scale and date better woman than the last. Until you finally are dating the women you want. It's a journey. Not something that happens over night.

Thanks. some of the threads on here are hilarious. And informative.

Like I said to @Spinach, I've never had huge self-confidence. A lot of issues behind that which I'm trying to work through. I've moved to the point where I'm not 100% confident...but I don't give a sh!t about anyone else,.

Sounds like what your sying is I have to lower my standards, or expectations. And while doing so....become the person who the woman I'd like to date would like to date? OK. But how and where do I do this. What do I say? How do I move beyond the "hi." To tell the truth, I really don't care if these women think I'm a creep or not. I mean....who cares? I AM a creep. I just don't know how to initiate anything.

Thanks for the reply

 

[Dash Riprock]

Hey Guy,
I'm around your age. Been back in the game for 2 years after being in a LTR for 8 years. My best advice to you:

- Get on MeetUp.com and find some interesting groups; singles, hobbies, activities, business networking. It's a lot harder now than 10 years ago, but I have (and you can) still meet people organically. Plus, it's good "batting practice" for your dating social skills and game.
- Keep with the gym routine. Women are attracted to physically fit men--at any age.
- Set up an online dating profile. Don't shoot for the super models. Shoot for 6-7's. Go on a few dates for more "batting practice." I've found Plenty of Fish to be a lot better than Match.com.
- You said your self-confidence was low. Buy a few Tony Robbins programs and listen to them in your car. He has a good YouTube channel too. Write out your goals and post them.
- Keep reading this board. Yeah, there are some real chumps on here but some really good advice-givers too. Anyone with their number of Likes approaching, at, or above their post count generally know what they're talking about. @Glassguy, @Amante Silvestre, and @RangerMIke are good and a bit older. @R.U.G. has his good days too; kind of over-paranoid about STDs though. I think he wears a haz-mat suit during sex, haha, jk.

Good luck.
~Dash

 

[ChristopherColumbus]

Get yourself a buzz cut if you have the right shape head. Cut out all porn... it will improve your 'deep state'.

 

[Dingo]

Older than you. First thing to change is your attitude. You have value. Realize it. Own your baldness as at your age it really is not a big deal. Lose your gut if you have one. When you heal keep up with the gym work not only for physical gains but it will increase your self respect. Be realistic in what kind of women you will attract. Most will be divorced, probably a little plump, have teen age kids and come with drama. Only you can decide how much baggage your willing to accept for companionship. Go to places with other parent types, not where there are a bunch of single snobs that will crush your soul before you can get your feet under yourself. Money is necessary to date. Hard to argue with that, but there are a ton of free or nearly free things to do with women your age. Only the gold diggers need to be constantly impressed. Most divorced moms want attention and companionship rather than a huge bank roll. And don't give up on you or your abilities. Start slow and learn as you go. Good luck.

This.... Really couldn't have said it better myself....

 

[R.U.G.]

@R.U.G. has his good days too; kind of over-paranoid about STDs though. I think he wears a haz-mat suit during sex, haha, jk.

Good luck.
~Dash

Only when when I head down to the South Bronx. Lol.

 

[R.U.G.]

OP, you need to work on you first and foremost. You need to drop the cons and get back to basics. We'll attack your cons, one-by-one and see what we can do to turn things around.

don't drink
- That's not a con nor a positive, that's just you. Nothing wrong with that.

no money
- This can be fixed. Start hustling. Do side jobs. Look for other ways to increase your income and/side hustles. Never stop hustling. Not for materialism. Not for women. For YOU and your self confidence. We, as men, put so much importance on wealth and our own income. It's been hammered into us since we were kids, so why would any of us think it's wrong. As long as you are doing it for you and bettering your own life, then go for it. If you are doing it to attract women or male friends, it's not going to work. Yes, you will attract people, but usually the wrong types of people.

bald----I've been told I look exactly like Hunter S Thompson
- Bald is in. Instead of treating it like a con, you should own it and use it as a plus. Never be ashamed of things you cannot control Balding is one of them. Yes, you can go get a hair transplant, but that is very expensive and a waste of money; in my opinion. Personally, if you can pull off a shaved head like The Rock, go for it.

attitude-----feel like I'm ugly and wrinkled-----look like I'm 60
- Again, stop looking for imperfections within yourself. No one is perfect, we all have flaws. The point is to own it and then improve on them; should you elect to do so. Why do you say you are ugly? Has anyone come up to you and said, hey, YOU'RE UGLY! Doubtful. This is due to low self-esteem. You need to work on this. How? Hit the gym 3 times a week. Cannot afford a gym membership right now? No problem. Run around your neighborhood. Go to the YMCA and use their weights. Go to the local high school or college gym, etc. No excuses. Wrinkled? Lose the weight, lose the wrinkles. You can also use creams to tighten up the skin. Just go to Sephora and they'll hook you up. Don't be afraid of being judged. Guess what, that is what they are there for, and what they get paid to do.

No real interests that I've acted upon in the last 10 years.
- No excuse. This is the depression and low self-esteem talking. Go to the park. Go hiking. Go to Meetup.com. Go to the gym. Go to the local pool with your kid. Go to the beach. Go take up a hobby. I just took up Paintball. Fun as fvck. Don't tell me you are too old. Bull Sh!t. I'm 42 and I am kicking a-s-s and taking names. NO REASON why you cannot do the same or better.

No friends
- See above.

@cptn sensible, let's get back to basics and get this turned around. No excuses. Get to work. You will be happy with the results. I've been divorced too, so I've been there. Just don't do something stupid and marry or fall head over heels with the first woman who gives you access to her intimate areas. I've seen so many men fall down that rabbit hole. Be different. Be your true self.

 

[Poonani Maker]

I only seem to attract the really out-there chicks, you know, like Headshop owners or employees, tattoo shop employees, maybe a teller at the bank (married or not doesn't matter she wants to bone me). I'm still very good looking despite being 40 because I get out and get a lot of sun and get a lot of movement. If I was in the house all day or a cubicle all day every day, I'd be in a ghostly situation. You have to move to multiple destinations.

 

[cptn sensible]

Thanks, everyone. you're all right about the self-esteem. I'm at the lowest I've ever been. Even worse then all that teenage existential angst crap!

As far as not drinking, I consider this both a con and a pro. Con because alcohol is the social lubricant of choice and I feel that I'm limiting myself in one respect because of this. Pro because---well----I don't drink. I'm more in control of myself than those who do and I'm more aware of myself and the situations I find myself in. I suppose I wouldn't want to hook up with some drunken slob anyway. I've had enough of that before, believe me. Different story. Just feel that meeting people would be easier if I drank.

Being bald, well, no way I look like the rock. I look like a convict with a shaved head. Maybe my low self-esteem talking, I don't know. Plus I'm going grey. I really do look like I'm, 60----except for my body. I'm in good shape for my age, but I'm no rock. pulling off a shaved head would be difficult. time to buy just for men?

Like I said, I'm in good shape. Was considering joining a gym just for the social aspect, but there's a park near me that has all sorts of pull up and dip bars. This is where I broke my ribs on 7/10. I'm not worried about this aspect of myself. I've seen women checking me out, but I workout for me--no one else. I love being able to lift my own body weight up and over a bar. So, what do I do know as far as working out since I have broken ribs and can't really do anything?

I did have a side job going---my own business-----but it's dead since I broke my ribs. Hopefully it'll pick up once I heal up. So, I do hustle. It's tough sometimes with my son. Given the choice between seeing him or detailing a car for $100, isn't any choice at all. My decision---but I can live with that.

Meetup.com and online dating are tough in my area. Not making excuses, really. It's a socially repressed area where the prominent social and recreational activity is to go out and get drunk. Perhaps that's just me and how I was raised. Perhaps I'm only seeing the negative around me I don't know. And most of the women around here, the ones in my age bracket who are single are 300lbs and covered in tattoos. I don't mind older. I don't even mind bigger, as long as she doesn't have fat poring over her belt. I should say that as long as she carries herself well and isn't a slob, I'm okay with it. so a 5 or a 6 is okay with me. BUT-----seems like most women where I am are tattooed slobs. Again, perhaps I'm only choosing to see the negative.

So.....I say "hi" to someone in the store. how do I move beyond that?

I'll really look into meetup and see what happens. I tried facebook groups but have had no luck.

Thanks again for all the great advice.

 

[EverSure75]

Not sure if I'm in the right place. Title says it all.

Divorced for 8 years. Divorce cleaned me out. Been raising a son for the past 8 years and haven't really been with any women since the divorce. There were a couple but the circumstances behind them and my memory of them is so hazy I couldn't tell you any details. Floozys.

Anyway, I've been dealing with a lot so I haven't really been interested in women. But now I am, at 45. I virtually have no experience. The marriage was the last women that I had any real experience with. I find myself needing advice. I don't know how to approach women or talk to them. I'm like a fumbling idiot. Here's the pros and cons about me as I see them:

Cons---

don't drink
no money
bald----I've been told I look exactly like Hunter S Thompson
attitude-----feel like I'm ugly and wrinkled-----look like I'm 60
No real interests that I've acted upon in the last 10 years.
No friends

Pros----

don't drink
slowly beginning---and I mean slowly-----to save some money. Not much, but I finally managed to land a 1/2 decent job
reasonably intelligent and can carry a conversation on most anything
have my own side business-going slow but it's there
not in bad shape----workout 3x weekly. At least I did. I broke my rib 3 weeks ago while doing a muscle up---fell on my ribs on the bar.
Decent apartment and car
Beautiful son

So....I don't know. Any advice for an old man jumping into this now? I don't even know where to start. I read the bible, but it seems more geared toward a younger man. I've been saying "hi" to random women that I see in the stores (the only place I go) just to get some practice. I don't really care if the answer me or not. It'd be nice, but........I feel like I'm too old and I'd be left over with "leftovers" if I could get anyone at all. I mean, considering the pros and cons I listed, I wouldn't go for someone like me. I don't drink, so I won't meet anyone in a bar or club.

your comments will be heard.

Cool site here. I like reading some of the threads.....

Thanks

Welcome, man.
A lot of sound advice has already been given.
I’m a few years younger but can relate in a way.
The biggest shift has to be mental. As someone said. You have to start seeing yourself as valuable. It starts with changing your self image. There’s a lot of material out there on that. Psycho-Cybernetics by maxwell maltz is a great place to start.
Continue the gym.
Ensure you’re eating well and resting well.
How you frame your story is also key. Women (and people in general) love a man who can turn his hardships into lessons/victories. It can be done.

Also be gentle with yourself. It’s a process and progress isn’t always linear. You will slip and fall back into old ways at times. As soon as you realize you’re falling back...get up and dust yourself off and start the upward climb again.

Wishing you all the best man.

 

[cptn sensible]

Welcome, man.
A lot of sound advice has already been given.
I’m a few years younger but can relate in a way.
The biggest shift has to be mental. As someone said. You have to start seeing yourself as valuable. It starts with changing your self image. There’s a lot of material out there on that. Psycho-Cybernetics by maxwell maltz is a great place to start.
Continue the gym.
Ensure you’re eating well and resting well.
How you frame your story is also key. Women (and people in general) love a man who can turn his hardships into lessons/victories. It can be done.

Also be gentle with yourself. It’s a process and progress isn’t always linear. You will slip and fall back into old ways at times. As soon as you realize you’re falling back...get up and dust yourself off and start the upward climb again.

Wishing you all the best man.[/Q

Thanks.

The mental shift is certainly tough. I felt as though I lost all sense of myself after the divorce. For the longest time. There was a brief period where I was on top of things, but I lost sight of it somehow. I've given up trying to get it back though. Just. wipe the slate clean and start fresh.

Believe me when I tell you I've got plenty of hard luck stories. As I'm sure so do many others. But you know what? I'm still here, making it and fighting to make things better. done a lot of introspective work recently that led me here. My fingernails are raw and bloody but I'm still hanging on.....

I'm looking forward to anything. Whatever happens, happens. I'm trying to do something. Tired of seeing life pass me by day after day....
Call it a mid-life crises. So what....Let the chips fall wherever they may.

 

[R.U.G.]

Possibly, pause the dating and work on yourself first. You can also just do it casually so you can work on your interactions with women. However, I'd skip the women who message you that are Humongous Hanna, Two Ton Terry, Trailer Park Tonya or Ugly Ursula.

 

[samspade]

As far as not drinking, I consider this both a con and a pro. Con because alcohol is the social lubricant of choice and I feel that I'm limiting myself in one respect because of this. Pro because---well----I don't drink. I'm more in control of myself than those who do and I'm more aware of myself and the situations I find myself in. I suppose I wouldn't want to hook up with some drunken slob anyway. I've had enough of that before, believe me. Different story. Just feel that meeting people would be easier if I drank.

This is a built in advantage for you. Just because you don't drink doesn't mean she doesn't have to.

My advice: Take your next date out to a place that's more wine-oriented. Like a wine/cheese/tapas type place. The wine buzz is the best: It's mellow, and lends itself to more romantic feelings, especially if the place is romantic. A c0cktail is okay too, if it's not some below the rail crap. I don't know about you, but I don't want any beer-pounding chicks.

So anyway, let her have a glass or two of wine while you stick to the club soda. You can evoke all kinds of romantic feelings on a date like that. I know you've got other stuff to work on but as far as alcohol, that's my $.02. (I only ever drink wine these days, myself.)

 

[zekko]

No real interests that I've acted upon in the last 10 years.
No friends

I think this is your top priority. You need to get out there and get some interesting hobbies, and make some friends along the way. It's hard to crawl out of a hole all by yourself.

There's a lot of good advice here (and some of it is garbage), but none of it means a damn thing if you don't put it into practice. More important than any of the advice here is that you get out there and take positive action.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I'm 42, and I don't think of myself as old at all. I've been able to be with women of whatever age I choose. The young ones tend to get on my nerves more quickly.

"Date" means different things to different people. If you are trying to romance a woman into marrying you, then yeah, money helps. But if you are just trying to get laid, money has very little to do with that. I think of dating as horrendously boring job interviews over dinner. No one likes that, including women, but almost everyone does it. You can side-step that misery if you choose, and the women who are down for that are more fun, anyway.

It helps if you have an activity you enjoy that transitions well to inviting someone with you. Motorcycles are not for everyone, but they do make dating very easy, just ask her to go for a ride. I would think something like having a tandem kayak would be similar. There's your date - cheap, easy, fun, and different. The frame is "hey, come do this thing I do with me." Contrast that to "may I please spend money in an attempt to entertain you?" which is the typical way a date unfolds. It's awkward and uncomfortable for the woman when a guy she doesn't know spends money on her, at least if she is not a gold-digger. Modern women have jobs and their own money; they don't need yours. But they can't buy fun and excitement, which is where you come in.

 

[EverSure75]

You’re well on your way.

 

[cptn sensible]

Man, there is some awesome fvcking advice here! Thanks @Bible Belt.

Don't think I'm too much into the dating thing. But I really like the idea of doing something active together. Sh!t, ven bowling would be better than listening to someone drone on over a cup of coffee.

You're right: women are out to have a good time. why be Mr boring? Reminds me of something lemmy, the motorhead singer wrote. Something like if you're going to be a rock star, then be a rock star. Don't be the guy next door. no one wants to see the guy next door play rock n roll. They want to see someone from outer space.

I suppose this could be applied to women, or anything at all for that matter. People (women) see boring all the time, every day. Be different.

I work out a lot so I suppose I could use that. Plus I used to do a lot of hiking. anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

thank you all for the great advice. I ask that you please read my other thread https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/captains-reports.250295/
and please post your comments. A little lame, perhaps but.........baby steps