30 Years Old and Not Clear on The Right Path in Life - Need Feedback

[Reyaj]

I broke up with her last year upon the realization that she was not going to make a good life partner for me. In the last year of the relationship, it was I that was holding out on sex to her and she brought up the point a few times. I used a knee injury that I had suffered, as an excuse, but I was very, very tempted to cheat on her.

Kailex things have been really the same lately for me. Except when we argue/fight it is starting to bother me more and more. Still I know it would break her heart immensely. So I'm very curious... how did it go down when you broke up with your girlfriend? Did you break up a few times and get back together? Or did you do it in 1 solid swoop? What was her reaction? You say you are still friends... how were you able to pull that off? I think my gf would hate my guts if I did that to her at this stage. The fact that she was living with you must have made it hard. I'd really be interested to hear about it man.



Like I said in the earlier quote, I was ALWAYS tempted to bang someone else. Yes, I wasn't married, but I was living with her (Breaking one of the rules of Rollo) without any goal of marrying her anytime soon. I know you are rationalizing the fact that she might discover you and dump you, but the thought and the action are two different things. Are you completely sure that you can deal with that consequence? Are you sure that if the time comes and she finds out, that you'll be able to go it alone? Also, do you see yourself just NOT cheating anymore if you get married to her? More on that in a second...

I actually go through a great deal of effort to hide this (when I do it). So I really don't want her to catch me. If I do get caught though.. I would feel I'd deserve it from a "reap what you sow" paradigm. I guess I'm really just not certain about a lot in life.. which is why I wonder if the problem is internal and not external. I mean if its internal, then I need to figure that stuff out or else I won't be happy with anyone else...



What's going to change when you're married that'll make you happy and content? That's just my point. Marriage isn't the magical solution to this problem. Marriage will only MAGNIFY your current situation ten-fold. If you are unhappy in this relationship now, what makes you think you will be happy and content after the certificate is signed? I mean, if you honestly believe it will happen, then more power to you, but in most cases, it doesn't happen.

I agree with you 100%



That's the risk you take. And to be honest, that's the idea MANY men have in their heads when trying to rationalize breaking up with their current LTR. The fear instilled in us is that we might be letting go of something good and instead being cut a raw deal in the future with anyone else. Basically, this is the thought that is holding you back. Personally, it held me back from dropping her and you have no idea how many times I silently wished that she would cheat on me or that she'd get fed up with me and leave me. Maybe that's why she stuck around, because I could have cared less if she was in the picture. Yet, sometimes I did think of marrying her because she was good to me and because she understood me and she let me be a man, but all of these things weren't good enough for me.


What do you think she lacked that you are looking for in someone else?


I just hope that the lesson isn't a truly harsh one, although that's what it seems to be headed to, Jayer. I really hope that you are able to go through with this with the minimal amount of damage. If you are perfectly willing to accept the consequences of what might take place, then, well I don't think I can advise you anymore... not because I don't want to, but because you are fully aware of the situation. What I DO know is that you definitely shouldn't be marrying this girl anytime soon... you're definitely not ready. Is she still "living" with you? I do wish you the best of luck and I will check up on this and routinely drop a comment or two.[/QUOTE]


I agree Kailex... believe me your words were not wasted. I think about them often... but you are right.. I guess I already made my decision for now (although that may change). I just know for all the frustration I go through with her I get kind of scared inside if she was gone. I don't have anyone else in life I can count on.... who really loves me and would be there... maybe not being 100% fufilled is the price I have to pay for it. She is pushing hard for the marriage and thats whats been the cause of a lot of out fights lately... something has to give... I will continue to keep you posted. Thank you!

 

[Kailex]

So I'm very curious... how did it go down when you broke up with your girlfriend? Did you break up a few times and get back together? Or did you do it in 1 solid swoop? What was her reaction? You say you are still friends... how were you able to pull that off? I think my gf would hate my guts if I did that to her at this stage. The fact that she was living with you must have made it hard. I'd really be interested to hear about it man.

I am one of the lucky ones, Jayer. We actually broke up a month or two before the lease was up. The thing was, I held the frame so high above my head, that it was amicable. I think the fact that we had been together for 6 years, had lived together for 2 years and nothing was coming of it... she probably felt relieved that she could move on.

We had broken up 2 times already and we both KNEW that the third time was probably the last ditch effort. After #3, we both agree we should have cut it off at #1 and we could have saved each other 4 years.

I don't regret those 4 years though. I learned a lot, but it could have been so much messier. I laid the foundation down for the last break up though. I was cold to her for about 4 months, and I kept trying NOT to break up so that I wouldn't have to hurt her feelings. I think that by the time we did, she was so ready for it, she didn't care much... or so it seemed. I know she was hurt by it, but she was also ready for it.

I can't complain, she was GREAT to me, but she didn't have everything I wanted.

What do you think she lacked that you are looking for in someone else?

She lacked drive and ambition. She was content with me making EVERY single decision and at the same time, making every single effort to make the relationship work. She thought that just cooking every once in a while and great sex would cut it. It didn't. She didn't want to work towards our future. She pretty much always had 5 bucks in her bank account and never thought about stuff like credit, a house, etc... and she was 31. I kept expecting her to grow up at some point... but it never happened.

I'll be honest about something Jayer.

I was supposed to be a father a few years ago. She was pregnant and we started planning out everything. 3 months into it, she lost it. As a couple, we never fully recovered from it. I bounced back and was willing to finally accept responsibility as a man and work towards the future. She withdrew for a while. To be honest, she was never ready to become a wife and/or a mother. She was just content with living day to day. That's good and all, but at some point, it needed to be more than just that.

It gave me a very swift reality check. I gave her a year after it happened, and it never really recovered. I hung around for ANOTHER year because she convinced me to, and again... another year wasted.

Maybe I don't know 100% what I want, but I sure as hell know what I DON'T want in someone.

I know we both say it was a mutual break up but we both know it was mostly me. It's only because I held the frame the entire time, that we were able to pull this off, but I know that secretly, she wishes I'd rush back to her.

It's never going to happen.

 

[Reyaj]

Thank you for sharing Kailex. It sounds like when if I make the decision to break up with her... the best way to do it is to start distancing myself from her... so that she'd agree to the break up as well..... I'll be honest and say I think my gf might hurt herself if I break it off with her... Not a comforting feeling for me.. especially since I care about her..

Do you know if your ex has seen/slept with other people since you broke up with her? Just curious if that has any impact on you. Thats probably the reason I know I couldn't be friends with anyone I once loved...

 

[Kailex]

Thank you for sharing Kailex. It sounds like when if I make the decision to break up with her... the best way to do it is to start distancing myself from her... so that she'd agree to the break up as well..... I'll be honest and say I think my gf might hurt herself if I break it off with her... Not a comforting feeling for me.. especially since I care about her..

Do you know if your ex has seen/slept with other people since you broke up with her? Just curious if that has any impact on you. Thats probably the reason I know I couldn't be friends with anyone I once loved...

Jayer, this might come as a shock...

But I don't care if she has slept or seen anyone.
One of those times that I broke up with her a few years ago, she saw someone almost weeks removed from me ditching her. I always thought it was too soon. I was wrong. Who was I to set up a timeline for her on when she could go out again?

Now... I just don't care. She still tries to reach out to me, but I've since moved on. This is no point dwelling on the past. It's a LOT harder for a couple to remain friends when they are just on the verge of getting married. It's ALWAYS easier for both parties to just distance themselves completely.

It's better to stay NC after the breakup. At least for me it is, it helps them heal as well as myself, even if she didn't want to see it that way.

Right now, I am just concerned for myself. I've been out with different women since then, so I am sure she has gone out with different men, and it's perfectly normal.

You CANNOT hang on the thought that she might hurt herself if you two break up, because you are holding yourself hostage in that relationship. I know what you want to do is draw distance from the relationship in order to provoke her into breaking up with you, but at most, all she will do is ask why YOU are distant...

In the end, you will break up with her anyway, no matter how much it seems like it's something the two of you want. I know you THINK that it'll be easier for HER if you draw out the process and gradually withdraw, but you tell me:

Which is less painful, a quick stab or a long, drawn out stab?

It seems almost logical to think that drawing it out would be better, but in the end, you'll make her agonize over what's wrong over a period of time, rather than making a swift decision.

Just think about it. The fact that this thread was created a month or two ago, is a testament to how unstable this relationship has become.

I do have a question:

Is she still living with you?

 

[darkstarrr]

Pros: She takes our relationship very seriously, loves me, and does things for me that are rare in today's women. These include but are not limited to cooking for me, helping me clean my house, giving me sex whenever I want it (she actually wants it more than I do!), etc....

Cons: She needs to lose some weight, sometimes gets mad when she doesn't get her way (I stand my ground believe me), and basically is clingy (although I prefer this to a girl that doesn't give a flying f about spending time with me)

So all in all I'd say she is a good girl, hence why I have her as my girlfriend for so long. All of the girls I've met and do meet really make me appreciate what I have.

If you'd read Belushi's book on women, he states that "If 3 of your friends would haul you out in the woods and put on boxing gloves. Then tell you you had to fight your way back to the car to get married to her,but you won't do it-you aren't ready to marry her". You NEED that level of commitment to make it work.

This was a long thread to get through but I enjoyed it. Although I will not advise you to make any decision, I will say its very important for you to heed caution in whatever decision you ultimately make.

Food for thought:
What would happen if you did said the following to her?
1) "Romance is the most important thing for me. If I'm in a situation where I, or the person I'm with - has a temper, bad attitude, or expresses anger easily than it really hurts that romance/connection thing that's so important to me."
and
2) "I grew up having certain fantasies that I'm kind of embarrased talking about.. Where I'm with someone and... we are constantly (3-4 days a week) exercising and getting all sweaty from the gym and than make woopie, messing up and soaking the sheets with sweat"

HAHAHHAA

Basically what I'm trying to say is that you're clearly on the fence about this thing so why not communicate more with her about it. Communication communication communication. If she is so serious about wanting to be with you than put her to the test by talking this through more with her to see if she is willing and able to be the wife you would fight your way back to the car for. If you could potentially leave her anyways than what bad could possibly come from having corny little conversations similar to the ones I mentioned above? There are many ways of getting what you want. You never know what she is willing to do for you and your relationship unless you talk about your feelings and needs. If she starts hitting the gym and slimming down and fucking you all sweaty and putting in effort to keep the atmosphere in the house as nice as pie.......

Good luck!

 

[Reyaj]

Jayer, this might come as a shock...

But I don't care if she has slept or seen anyone.
One of those times that I broke up with her a few years ago, she saw someone almost weeks removed from me ditching her. I always thought it was too soon. I was wrong. Who was I to set up a timeline for her on when she could go out again?

Now... I just don't care. She still tries to reach out to me, but I've since moved on. This is no point dwelling on the past. It's a LOT harder for a couple to remain friends when they are just on the verge of getting married. It's ALWAYS easier for both parties to just distance themselves completely.

It's better to stay NC after the breakup. At least for me it is, it helps them heal as well as myself, even if she didn't want to see it that way.

Right now, I am just concerned for myself. I've been out with different women since then, so I am sure she has gone out with different men, and it's perfectly normal.

You CANNOT hang on the thought that she might hurt herself if you two break up, because you are holding yourself hostage in that relationship. I know what you want to do is draw distance from the relationship in order to provoke her into breaking up with you, but at most, all she will do is ask why YOU are distant...

In the end, you will break up with her anyway, no matter how much it seems like it's something the two of you want. I know you THINK that it'll be easier for HER if you draw out the process and gradually withdraw, but you tell me:

Which is less painful, a quick stab or a long, drawn out stab?

It seems almost logical to think that drawing it out would be better, but in the end, you'll make her agonize over what's wrong over a period of time, rather than making a swift decision.

Just think about it. The fact that this thread was created a month or two ago, is a testament to how unstable this relationship has become.

I do have a question:

Is she still living with you?

No she is not... but she is trying to set up plans for marriage. Kailex I'm really 50/50 as to whether I should focus on the commitment or seek other endeavors. I'm just confused about what I should focus on in life.... When I am around her and I see her coupled family members with children I get scared... I am scared of living that mundane life.... However other times I see this and wonder if that is really the point or the path in life I should be on. Get married, have a family..... That is definitely what she wants. I've always felt I wanted it too but I know I am not ready for it... Whats scary is my age though... I'm not getting younger and I feel that maybe I should just take the plunge....

Anyway I saw your thread about having kids... I'll have to read that and chime in soon. Very good topic Kailex.

darkstarr thanks for the advice. Yes we are going to have a serious talk soon. Since I still go out sometimes I see what crap women are out there and I really appreciate what I have. I will keep everyone posted.

 

[Reyaj]

wow its always amazing how clear everything looks in hindsight

 

[Tamura]

True, hindsight is 20/20.

How did the story with your LTR turn out? I'm curious.

 

[Shaka]

I'm wondering the same stuff so I'm interested as well.

 

[bongo]

I don't have much practical advice, but I can somewhat relate to your dilemma, and I sincerely hope you and I get clarity to make a decision, soon. I'm 29 and have been with my 'LTR' for about 4 years. I didn't really pursue her, we just started hanging out, and here we are.

Personality-wise she is a very high quality girl. I guess you could say, she makes my life easy. But the truth is, I've been anxious and unhappy for about 3 years now. My girlfriend wants sex more than I do. You could say I never initiate it. Funny thing is she does look slimmer and better than when I first met her. But still, I can't bring myself to feel the primal urge to fvck her.

I never played the field, but I did get some opportunities and IOI's in the past. Never acted on them, because of my introverted nature and self esteem issues. I also don't have a clear life path, currently unemployed and just overall depressed. I'm a true loner, so I don't have a social circle.

It's so bad now, I actively try to avoid seeing girls. Everytime I see a girl that looks remotely hot, there's this overwhelming feeling of regret and anger. I don't get attention from girls anymore; probably because of the bad defeatist energy I project.

If I break up with her, everything will probably be the same, only without a girlfriend. I will also miss her, because after all, she's a great companion. This is making me borderline suicidal honestly. I also stopped going out with her and do 'stuff'. I don't feel like doing sh!t. No motivation whatsoever. But she still has hope that things will change, once I 'get my life together'. But deep down I know what to do. Or, do I?

 

[Reyaj]

I don't have much practical advice, but I can somewhat relate to your dilemma, and I sincerely hope you and I get clarity to make a decision, soon. I'm 29 and have been with my 'LTR' for about 4 years. I didn't really pursue her, we just started hanging out, and here we are.

Personality-wise she is a very high quality girl. I guess you could say, she makes my life easy. But the truth is, I've been anxious and unhappy for about 3 years now. My girlfriend wants sex more than I do. You could say I never initiate it. Funny thing is she does look slimmer and better than when I first met her. But still, I can't bring myself to feel the primal urge to fvck her.

I never played the field, but I did get some opportunities and IOI's in the past. Never acted on them, because of my introverted nature and self esteem issues. I also don't have a clear life path, currently unemployed and just overall depressed. I'm a true loner, so I don't have a social circle.

It's so bad now, I actively try to avoid seeing girls. Everytime I see a girl that looks remotely hot, there's this overwhelming feeling of regret and anger. I don't get attention from girls anymore; probably because of the bad defeatist energy I project.

If I break up with her, everything will probably be the same, only without a girlfriend. I will also miss her, because after all, she's a great companion. This is making me borderline suicidal honestly. I also stopped going out with her and do 'stuff'. I don't feel like doing sh!t. No motivation whatsoever. But she still has hope that things will change, once I 'get my life together'. But deep down I know what to do. Or, do I?

Whats up Bongo, I got your PM. So your situation might be a little different than mine... It sounds like you have self issues you need to overcome. This will be the case whether you have a gf or not. I would focus on improving yourself first. You can keep her around as you do, but certainly cheat if you have opportunities. In the end its your journey and you have to do what you have to do to figure it all out.

I only know what I know now because I went through what I did. Sometimes no amount of advice in the world can give you the clarity that you get from your own experience.