1st call after 1st date very important?

[int3l]

adopt the i don't give a **** attitude.

 

[drift king]

but if you really really want to bang her and at the time don't have many other options how do you get over this?

i mean fair enough if you've got 2-3 plates spinning but if you've got just the one at the time that's a very unenviable position to be in.

i have other plates i'm due to meet but i still can't seem to get rid of the oneitis with the one i'm with at the time and trying to arrange a date with.

 

[Franky Four Fingers]

Pete,

STOP! I mean just STOP!

Read EVERYTHING you can find here on inner game.

You have to get your head right BEFORE learning techniques or even dating etiquette of when to call and what to say etc.

Theres a reason why men who don't give a sh*t get all the women. Because they don't give a sh*t.

This doesn't mean not caring in a mean spirited way, it means being carefree. Theres a difference to them.

I man who has his head right and knows NOTHING about technique will be miles ahead of a man who comes here and reads every dating technique listed.

Your thoughts are on her totally. At this moment in your life she is your God. Drop that now. Center yourself and focus on your inner self. Then and only THEN get advice on outer game/dating etiquette.

 

[AlexTheGreat]

but if you really really want to bang her and at the time don't have many other options how do you get over this?

i mean fair enough if you've got 2-3 plates spinning but if you've got just the one at the time that's a very unenviable position to be in.

i have other plates i'm due to meet but i still can't seem to get rid of the oneitis with the one i'm with at the time and trying to arrange a date with.

The problem with your analysis is that "you really really want to bang her". That's desperate right away.

Think about it like an auction: she's selling a relationship (or body, or sex, or whatever), and you're the bidder. You bid not with money, but with your own value. The more things you have going in your life, the more value you add to yourself. If the only thing you can think about is banging her, then your value is incredibly low: she will not be impressed.

You don't have to tell her you wanna bang her: the fact that you think about it all day will make you nervous when you're around her; it will make you creepy and needy.

Cut that ****. You want to have a good time with her, not bang her. Simply go in having fun.

Tell me the truth Pete (and drift king), are you having fun interacting with women? Are you having fun or does it seem like a chore? If it's not fun, you're probably doing it wrong; there's a reason this is called "the Game of seduction". And a game should always be fun

 

[pete101]

The problem with your analysis is that "you really really want to bang her". That's desperate right away.

Think about it like an auction: she's selling a relationship (or body, or sex, or whatever), and you're the bidder. You bid not with money, but with your own value. The more things you have going in your life, the more value you add to yourself. If the only thing you can think about is banging her, then your value is incredibly low: she will not be impressed.

You don't have to tell her you wanna bang her: the fact that you think about it all day will make you nervous when you're around her; it will make you creepy and needy.

Cut that ****. You want to have a good time with her, not bang her. Simply go in having fun.

Tell me the truth Pete (and drift king), are you having fun interacting with women? Are you having fun or does it seem like a chore? If it's not fun, you're probably doing it wrong; there's a reason this is called "the Game of seduction". And a game should always be fun

You're absolutely right.. it feels like a chore and is absolutely not any fun, everything seems so routine. but the thing im trying to establish is that the bit which is the least fun is the waiting around for a reply or having to make calls to arrange 2nd dates.. it's like it's hard enough getting girls for 1st dates that when they actually go well you get over excited.. which makes me nervous. but then when i call and don't achieve what i want out of it i.e. a definite time for a 2nd date i freak out and do stupid stuff like calling again appearing clingy and needy then i keep trying to fix it when it may be unfixable, then i reach a point where i've ruined it so much that i might as well punt and call again to see if i can get her on the phone for long enough to make her laugh so much that she reconsiders..

how do i start to enjoy the waiting around bit and uncertainty that it's over.. when it's so stressful?

 

[#41]

how do i start to enjoy the waiting around bit and uncertainty that it's over.. when it's so stressful?

By having something else going on in your life other than waiting around for some woman to call you back.

 

[pete101]

but how is the general waiting around suppose to be fun or the arranging to meet up?

 

[Jitterbug]

Pete,

STOP! I mean just STOP!

Read EVERYTHING you can find here on inner game.

You have to get your head right BEFORE learning techniques or even dating etiquette of when to call and what to say etc.

I disagree with this approach.

This guy has read enough. He's been here 2.5 years. What he needs to do is to get out there and apply what he's read, crash & burn badly like this. Doing it often enough will help him overcome his anxiety. Reading more will not help him right now.

pete101, forget that the DJ Bible ever exists. Stop giving a sh!t whether you've blown it with this chick or not. Go out and ask a dozen girls out, go on a bunch of dates. Allow yourself to fail, as it's the only way to learn at this stage. THEN, with enough experience from your time in the field, go back and read the DJ Bible. You'll actually comprehend it next time.

 

[slaog]

I disagree with this approach.

This guy has read enough. He's been here 2.5 years. What he needs to do is to get out there and apply what he's read, crash & burn badly like this. Doing it often enough will help him overcome his anxiety. Reading more will not help him right now.

I don't think he has read much. He has only so many posts and probably comes on to get advice from time to time. If he has read anything he certainly needs to read more and begin to understand what he's doing.

The ideal thing would be to read and date at the same time and keep learning.

 

[AlexTheGreat]

but how is the general waiting around suppose to be fun or the arranging to meet up?

It starts being fun once you stop putting so much pressure on the outcome. Think about it like an experiment or a game: how far can you go and still succeed? Which "level" can you attain?

Right now you view the whole "setting up the date" part as a monotonous, tedious chore. However, that is the worst outlook to have: you should view it as an opportunity because you get to both 1) find out more about the girl you're about to date and 2) build up both anticipation, excitement and more.

You gotta practice it, but you have to let it go. Stop putting so much importance on that. Next time, go do some jogging or any other activity, and impromptu decide to give her a call. Don't think about what you'll say: you're already pumped by your physical activity, you don't need to think. You should know where you wanna go with her (have an idea of where and when), and call her. But don't think about what you'll say to her; don't imagine the hundred scenarios!

The less you think about it, the more relaxed you'll be. The better you do this, the more you're going to enjoy calling people. The more you enjoy this, the more fun you'll have doing it.

Another question, are you nervous when you have to call guy friends? If you are, then practice on them as well to get better at phone calls.

 

[pete101]

It starts being fun once you stop putting so much pressure on the outcome. Think about it like an experiment or a game: how far can you go and still succeed? Which "level" can you attain?

Right now you view the whole "setting up the date" part as a monotonous, tedious chore. However, that is the worst outlook to have: you should view it as an opportunity because you get to both 1) find out more about the girl you're about to date and 2) build up both anticipation, excitement and more.

You gotta practice it, but you have to let it go. Stop putting so much importance on that. Next time, go do some jogging or any other activity, and impromptu decide to give her a call. Don't think about what you'll say: you're already pumped by your physical activity, you don't need to think. You should know where you wanna go with her (have an idea of where and when), and call her. But don't think about what you'll say to her; don't imagine the hundred scenarios!

The less you think about it, the more relaxed you'll be. The better you do this, the more you're going to enjoy calling people. The more you enjoy this, the more fun you'll have doing it.

Another question, are you nervous when you have to call guy friends? If you are, then practice on them as well to get better at phone calls.

it's more the i've been on so many dates now for the past few months and consistently i'm failing and getting rejected to a point where my confidence keeps getting rocked. you'd think by now i'd have a success and i did on friday but this put me under so much pressure as it felt like oh no i'll have to go out with another 20 girls before i get this chance again..

most of this stuff you read and learn assumes after maybe 10 dates or something you'd have made a significant improvement.. i've had over 20 and i'm still not achieving what i want.. most just want to be friends and think im cool but at the end of the day i want attraction, and this girl had it for me .. hence my anxiety not to blow it.

it's amazing how that one 8min convo where the first 5 mins went fine and then i was indecisive about meeting maybe nervous has put her off.. i tried to be slick and talked about the 'surprise' date but depended on the weather conditions.. she didn't seem excited by it so maybe i was better off saying exactly what to do.. what shocks me is how into me she was on friday and suggestions to meet up then to be so put off come monday.. i felt like i ran out of things to say to her so felt under intense pressure.. i know that if i just did it by text i would have got a positive result.

i need to learn from this and in future make sure i only do one call. if i f up making arrangements and she gives me the whole 'mm.. i dont know yet' answer, i should just end the call and try again a few days later?

 

[true romance]

If you asking this question:
"I need to learn from this and in future make sure i only do one call. if i f up making arrangements and she gives me the whole 'mm.. i dont know yet' answer, i should just end the call and try again a few days later?

Obviously you still clueless.....stay away from this chick and go out meet more women...
keep you life busy so you don't put all the effort in to setup a date..Jesus relax...

read all the post above for advice...

 

[pete101]

Ok I've taken all of this in but i need to hear your opinions on what's happened.

As you're aware i f'd up big time with this HB. So i left it for a week and called just now from a different number (fully aware that she wouldn't pick up my number) as you'd expect she'd come out with a fake apology about why she hadn't been in contact blah blah.. i didn't even acknowledge it or say anything about it.. just carried on talking.

anyway about 2 mins into the convo i said something about i called her from the wrong phone cos i have the exact same phone so get them mixed up.

the convo went as you expect almost LJBF material blah blah, her telling me she hurt herself today blah blah, then i muted lets meet up tonight.. tho i did word it wrong again in a 'do u want to meet up tonight?' she goes (as you expect) 'no, i want to rest i hurt my hand blah blah tired..'

bad signs so far.. so carried on talking and then she switches to 'i've been talking so much how about you then?' blah blah..

then i talk for a bit more not really making any headway or making her laugh.. but then i go in again and say 'ok let's meet up say wednesday then..' then she gives me some reason about how her new flatmate is moving in blah blah.. not looking good either.

then i say im busy tomorrow.. then suddenly i hear this sudden panic of jealousy from her asking me 'what you doing tomorrow??' almost as if she thinks it's another girl.. this caught me by surprise so i said im meeting my friend who's just come back from holiday.

then i say 'ok well lets state a time now cos i didn't do that last week, so lets say thursday evening reserve that evening for me and i'll do the same for you.'

she reluctantly it seems said 'ok i'll try.' and somehow it turned into a 'yes'. we carried on talking for another 5 mins cos i could smell a flake coming along.. then i made her laugh just before i ended the convo.

is the most likelihood she's going to flake on me on thursday even though i've agreed time and place?

i bet she'll probably forget knowing her.. and when i call on thursday to say im picking her up she'll prob give some excuse as to why to cancel. am i probably right?

all i know is that i'm doing everything wrong.. but she's agreed to meet up again, hypothetically she's really into me physically.. would u still say it's too late?

 

[pete101]

i feel embarassed cos it almost feels as if i've begged her to meet up with me.. so even if she does i feel like i can still get her cos of the physical attraction.

my indecision now is that cos thursday is 3 days away.. if i text her to tell her the exact time im picking her up she could easily text back saying she can't do it.. if i incorporate in the text that i expect her to be ready and changed and not forgotten about our meeting is that too much?

like im suppose to pick her up so i can't do the normal thing of showing up outside her house unnannounced without calling her before i leave.

the danger is she'll just flake. i was thinking of sending something along the lines of 'i'll pick u up at yours at 9 so be ready and changed and no cancelling last minute '

i know i shouldn't be begging for her to meet up but im so confident that if i am actually with her i can easily make gains with her.. hell even kiss close without a problem cos i know she's into me physically even tho personality wise i've been AFC. over the phone she can't see me so there's nothing i've got to keep her visually interested.

is the likeliness she'll just meet up with me almost out of guilt for not doing so last week?

i know i shouldn't accept that because it means im not the prize but i feel so confident that i can turn this around if i can just get her to come out with me again.

 

[true romance]

Pete101

Call her on Wed to confirm, no texting, if she does not answer leave a VM and do something else...

Hey xxx, how are you?..etc. Just to confirm our meeting tomorrow night at xx time, location etc.

and hang up..be short and precise.

Right now she has all the power so you just sit there and hope she doesn't flake.

 

[slaog]

You have agreed a time. Now the best thing for you to do is say nothing and text her just before you meet saying something like "i'm ready now for...(c&f)". This means you're on your way and it would be too late for her to back out.

I think with your mindset the relationship is doomed anyway. You have given her all the power and yes it does sound like you are begging her for a date.

When you meet her you need to not care about an outcome. The reason you have oneitis is because you're thinking about her too much and imagining you and her in a perfect relationship. Just stop seeing her as this perfect princess who has you begging for her because she's not. Ask yourself why do you put yourself down below her and her on a pedestal.

So keep in mind that it's just a date. Assume attraction (assume that she is attracted to you). Tell yourself that you are a MAN and you don't give a fcuk about her or any outcome.

Good luck with it but I think you need more DJ training.

 

[pete101]

You have agreed a time. Now the best thing for you to do is say nothing and text her just before you meet saying something like "i'm ready now for...(c&f)". This means you're on your way and it would be too late for her to back out.

I think with your mindset the relationship is doomed anyway. You have given her all the power and yes it does sound like you are begging her for a date.

When you meet her you need to not care about an outcome. The reason you have oneitis is because you're thinking about her too much and imagining you and her in a perfect relationship. Just stop seeing her as this perfect princess who has you begging for her because she's not. Ask yourself why do you put yourself down below her and her on a pedestal.

So keep in mind that it's just a date. Assume attraction (assume that she is attracted to you). Tell yourself that you are a MAN and you don't give a fcuk about her or any outcome.

Good luck with it but I think you need more DJ training.

yeah that's what i usually do, text them before i leave but i dont follow what you say i should say before i leave? like what C+F line.

i usually say im leaving now so be ready and changed at so and so time. i'll call u when im outside. having said that she could easily back out or just forget or be out with her friends somewhere else.

i have other options this week but this one is the hottest one out of all 4 so it's hard for me to not take it as it is. admittedly in my head i think it's over already.. i just found out mutually from another friend that she told him she's got a bf when he asked over facebook. so im not sure exactly what shes playing at.

 

[pete101]

Pete101

Call her on Wed to confirm, no texting, if she does not answer leave a VM and do something else...

Hey xxx, how are you?..etc. Just to confirm our meeting tomorrow night at xx time, location etc.

and hang up..be short and precise.

Right now she has all the power so you just sit there and hope she doesn't flake.

If i do everything last minute or at least 1 hour before we're suppose to meet saying 'i'm leaving now' is that a better tactic?

or does that risk she may already be out and just cancels. i'm planning to do it about 1 and half hours before i have to meet her so at least i have time to get ready and so does she. i guess she's less likely to back out last minute?

it's almost as if i have to say to her 'dont cancel on me.' but in not so many words..

hence why me telling her 'not to cancel lol' both looks insecure but stops her from pulling that card. either way given what i did if i do meet her again i've made an improvement but still this begging for a date when she tells me tonight she's tired just doesn't add up.

i mean she's not doing anything tonight.. but is tired.. wtf? that isn't good enough reason..

 

[Igetit!]

This whole situation is ridiculous. I've read this post from the beginning,so I already know that there's no point in giving you any kind of advice. The fact that you are hung up on this one girl obviously means that wherever it is that you live she is the only girl in town,so there are no other girls to pursue. To answer your question about the possibility of her flaking on you,yes,there is a high chance that this will happen. Can you blame her? Look,I am 100% totally against going negative on the guys here on this site,but from everything you've said in this post,I'm dangerously close to changing my mind. I admit that women are a mystery and can be difficult to understand,however,there are some things about them that should be painfully obvious,things that even an afc should know. For example,if everytime you try to set up a date or spend time with her she gives you some excuse that she can't meet up with you,surprise surprise,what do you think that means? Another thing you did just boggles my mind. If she doesn't want to talk to you on the phone,what in the world does calling her from a different phone number supposed to accomplish? I bet the moment she realized it was you,you heard a dissapointment/annoyed tone to her voice.
All you did was give her another number to be on the lookout for.
Even through I've been down on you this whole post,I do believe there is hope,and you will get better with time and practice. Now when I said there is "hope", I didn't mean with this girl. Imo,this has been over with a long time ago. The sad part is that everybody,the guys here in this forum,me,and this girl you're after,everybody except you already knew that this was dead a loooooong time ago.

 

[pete101]

also how do i avoid ljbf convo on the phone when she starts drilling on about her problems with email at college etc and blah blah this.. what do u do after she's finished speaking. i try to think of different topics that get me about of the friend zone but i freeze.. not just with her with most girls. what do i talk about instead to not only change the subject but also put it in a direction i want?