Dissolving My Marriage

[Gamisch]

People choose to be happy in life.

And the grass isn't always greener on the other side, it's greener where you choose to water it.

When was the last time you chose to water your grass regularly? Right now it's looking pretty parched from where I am looking at it by the picture you have painted for us.

Apart from the topic, this is a great qoute.

 

[Pandora]

Apart from the topic, this is a great qoute.

I like that qoute but sometimes the grass is greener though.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I like that qoute but sometimes the grass is greener though.

Sometimes, but many times it isn't.

 

[DreamAgain]

I mean I support OP doing this but I just think he might as well pull the plug completely.

Walking on eggshells is no way to live.

The wife will be vindictive and will not want to go along with the program. Even if she does for a while, it is likely living with a snake, it may do nothing for 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day, but that 1 minute it will strike and make your life a living hell.

I suppose it is just yet another lesson learned that marriage and children are a big commitment and should not be taken lightly, under pretenses of "maybes" and "we'll see's" that your mind may be trying to justify with mental gymnastics.

Any red flags that go unaddressed will come around to bite you down the road.

 

[member162951]

She could sleep with 3 dudes a night and I'd still owe her alimony and child support.

^^ You'd be supporting your daughter whether married or divorced so child support shouldn't factor in.

Is she a SAHM? If so, just out of curiosity, how much $$$ do you give her each month NOW to maintain the home properly, run a household of three and her own personal needs?

For example, grocery shopping (for three), utilities (for three), clothes, personal items and maybe having lunch occasionally with friends?

Does she have the proper skills to get a job and support herself if you were to divorce?

I'm female but NOT taking sides here, I promise. Just curious if you've compared the numbers.

 

[member162951]

I am sure I will get ripped to shreds for saying this, but from her side, if she's become accustomed to a certain lifestyle married to you and has no marketable skills at the moment to get a job and support herself, why should she be punished financially because YOU want out of the marriage?

Assuming she's a SAHM, the four years makes sense so she can acquire the proper skills necessary to get a decent job, support herself and rebuild her life.

I do NOT agree with alimony being forever and I also don't believe it should be a mandatory 50/50 split IF a woman (or man because if the wife was the higher earner, SHE would be paying HIM alimony) has a career to fall back on and/or marketable skills.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

It wouldn't matter if she was, to be totally honest. The state doesn't care. She could sleep with 3 dudes a night and I'd still owe her alimony and child support.

Why I would put myself in a position to endure this for a lifetime, is beyond me. As many have said, I should not have gotten married in the first place. I've spent the last year+ trying to fix that, and now I'm at a point where I don't have the faith I can fix it before having to risk lifelong financial commitment to someone who hates me.

I just looked at the Laws in California...it's highly unlikely she would get spousal support forever as you could request a judge to terminate it after a period of time.

She also would not be eligible for it to continue as soon as she decides to co-habitate with another person that isn't you.

So unless she stays single forever it's highly unlikely this wouldn't end on its own and even if it didn't it's highly unlikely you would be forced to pay it forever either.

 

[Money & Muscle]

I just looked at the Laws in California...it's highly unlikely she would get spousal support forever as you could request a judge to terminate it after a period of time.

She also would not be eligible for it to continue as soon as she decides to co-habitate with another person that isn't you.

So unless she stays single forever it's highly unlikely this wouldn't end on its own and even if it didn't it's highly unlikely you would be forced to pay it forever either.

The lawyer I spoke with has said otherwise.
The cohabitation part is correct.

 

[member162951]

M&M, I did not realize you are in CA.

>>California Family Code Section 4337 states that spousal support is automatically terminated when the spouse who receives the alimony is remarried. This provision exists to streamline the transition and removes the need for a court hearing or an additional legal process to end alimony.<<

 

[member162951]

I just looked at the Laws in California...it's highly unlikely she would get spousal support forever as you could request a judge to terminate it after a period of time.

^^This is actually correct.

If she becomes self-sufficient through education or career advancement, she will/may no longer require financial support from you (ex-spouse).

However, you'd have to prove her self-sufficiency to the court to have the payments reduced or terminated .

I'm paraphrasing but this is from the CA Family Code.

 

[Money & Muscle]

This is tiring. None of you are lawyers, and neither am I.

Yes, I can request alimony get terminated. That doesn't mean it actually happens. There is a massive bias in favor of women in every singly court. They are always the victim.

Yes, she can be self-sufficient and I can reduce alimony. That does not terminate it - half of the difference in income is still what will be owed to her.
So why the hell would she put effort into upskilling to make the same amount of money?

Why would she remarry when she loses 5k/mo to do so? It's unlikely she finds someone who makes as much as me, and she could get all the same benefits while not getting remarried - to still collect 5k/mo.

I'm sitting her down and discussing this with her in a couple hours.
If she wants to be with me for me, she wont care about a piece of paper.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Why would she remarry when she loses 5k/mo to do so? It's unlikely she finds someone who makes as much as me, and she could get all the same benefits while not getting remarried - to still collect 5k/mo.

This happened to a coworker of mine. She got the house in the divorce. She found a new boyfriend and moved in with him unofficially but kept the marital house. She did this while collecting ailimony.

I take this with a grain of salt. As the only source for the story was my disgruntled, divorced coworker.

If she wants to be with me for me, she wont care about a piece of paper.

This is a bit naive. No woman should want to be with any of us if they aren’t getting anything out of it. Humans are self interested. Would you advise your daughter to be “not legally or financially married” to a man she had a child with?

 

[Solomon]

I'm sitting her down and discussing this with her in a couple hours.
If she wants to be with me for me, she wont care about a piece of paper.

 

[Money & Muscle]

No woman should want to be with any of us if they aren’t getting anything out of it.

And if the loss of access to my money upon divorce means she's not getting out of being with me...

Would you advise your daughter to be “not legally or financially married” to a man she had a child with?

Idc if she is legally married, I care if she and her partner take vows which they both hold sacred. Government has no place in marriage.
I'd also advise my daughter to work, as I have pleaded my wife to do for years without success.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

And if the loss of access to my money upon divorce means she's not getting out of being with me...



Idc if she is legally married, I care if she and her partner take vows which they both hold sacred. Government has no place in marriage.
I'd also advise my daughter to work, as I have pleaded my wife to do for years without success.

That's really naive...government has been involved in marriage since the beginning of government, it's never going to change.

The tax breaks associated with being married are pretty nice too...you might be a little shocked at how much more taxes come out of your check once you start filing as single.

 

[Gamisch]

This is tiring. None of you are lawyers, and neither am I.

Yes, I can request alimony get terminated. That doesn't mean it actually happens. There is a massive bias in favor of women in every singly court. They are always the victim.

Yes, she can be self-sufficient and I can reduce alimony. That does not terminate it - half of the difference in income is still what will be owed to her.
So why the hell would she put effort into upskilling to make the same amount of money?

Why would she remarry when she loses 5k/mo to do so? It's unlikely she finds someone who makes as much as me, and she could get all the same benefits while not getting remarried - to still collect 5k/mo.

I'm sitting her down and discussing this with her in a couple hours.
If she wants to be with me for me, she wont care about a piece of paper.

Good luck bro.

Just try to be as stoic as possible aka minimal emotional outbursts from YOUR side.

Again, approach this is steps. See it as a boxing match. Can't go in throwing haymakers from the first bell first round.. TRUST ME!!!!! Dont EVER expect things like these go smooth.

Step 1 is feeling her out, DO NOT show your cards right away. For all you know she pretends to go along, while you give her time to plot an escape plan behind your back..
Imo YOU should be the one planning the escape! If anything I'd rather plan my escape while treating her extra well. Instead of sitting her down, take her out , your plans rather disguised as an attempt to bond.

Proceed with caution.

 

[EyeBRollin]

Idc if she is legally married, I care if she and her partner take vows which they both hold sacred. Government has no place in marriage.
I'd also advise my daughter to work, as I have pleaded my wife to do for years without success.

You’d prefer your daughter to be a single working woman instead of a wife?

 

[Money & Muscle]

You’d prefer your daughter to be a single working woman instead of a wife?

You think the only definition of "wife" is through a legal lense?

 

[DreamAgain]

To add one more thing, marriage and religion are strongly intertwined. If you and your wife are not religious, then the marriage becomes one of legal and state binding, and assuming you both wanted that initially, then that is ok.

If neither of you are religious then I do wonder what you thought the importance was of marriage in the first place. I am not trying to admonish you, just to understand your thought process.

 

[Manure Spherian]

If neither of you are religious then I do wonder what you thought the importance was of marriage in the first place. I am not trying to admonish you, just to understand your thought process.

One does not need to be religious to take marriage seriously. I’m not religious. I take mine seriously and I am never leaving my family unless there are serious transgressions (cheating, abuse, dereliction of duties, etc).

However, I do recognize in the current day, marriage as a social institution has become a mockery, and do not wholeheartedly recommend it to others.