I have been dating a single mom on and off for a couple of years. In the past I’ve broken up with her because my gut felt off, but I could never put my finger on anything concrete. Now that we’re trying to make it work in person after long distance, the same feelings keep coming back, and I’m trying to figure out if I’m overreacting or if my instincts are right.
She’s very comfortable telling small lies in social situations, like claiming it’s our anniversary when it isn’t, exaggerating stories about her family, or spinning quick narratives on the fly. It’s often framed as joking, but it shows she can be dishonest easily and then act like it’s harmless. Multiple times in public, I’ve felt she was clearly checking other men out in a way that felt deliberate. When I brought it up, she strongly denied it and flipped it back on me, making me feel like I was the problem for noticing.
She frequently makes indirect sexual comments and “jokes” about cheating, open relationships, “swapping,” and other partner-infidelity themes. When I’ve asked her to stop or told me these kinds of jokes hurt, she says I’m being too sensitive or “making a narrative.” She once asked if I wanted an open relationship, then later said she only asked because she thought I might want that. I don’t; I want a traditional, monogamous, long-term relationship, and I’ve been clear about that. She also shares unusually personal details with others, like discussing her birth control with a married former boss in a way that felt inappropriate.
She told me she basically doesn’t use Snapchat anymore and hasn’t in years. Later I saw that a message on her account was marked as opened. When I asked, she insisted she hadn’t used it and that it must be a glitch, even though the app doesn’t auto-open messages after a certain time. She doubled down instead of being transparent. Recently, I noticed some physical/sexual things that felt off. When I brought this up, she immediately got defensive, accused me of being paranoid, said she’s lonely in a new state, and suggested we just break up if I “feel that way.”
She has invested a lot (moved across the country for me, is affectionate, successful, good with her daughter, and in many ways quite traditional). But I no longer feel safe or secure in the relationship. I’ve repeatedly told her that loyalty and honesty are non-negotiable for me, and that the indirect sexual/cheating jokes and lies about loyalty-related topics really damage my trust. I don’t have concrete proof of cheating. What I do have is a pattern of small lies, persistent “jokes” about cheating and other partners, dishonesty when confronted about Snapchat, and defensiveness and victim-playing when I express my concerns.
She’s very comfortable telling small lies in social situations, like claiming it’s our anniversary when it isn’t, exaggerating stories about her family, or spinning quick narratives on the fly. It’s often framed as joking, but it shows she can be dishonest easily and then act like it’s harmless. Multiple times in public, I’ve felt she was clearly checking other men out in a way that felt deliberate. When I brought it up, she strongly denied it and flipped it back on me, making me feel like I was the problem for noticing.
She frequently makes indirect sexual comments and “jokes” about cheating, open relationships, “swapping,” and other partner-infidelity themes. When I’ve asked her to stop or told me these kinds of jokes hurt, she says I’m being too sensitive or “making a narrative.” She once asked if I wanted an open relationship, then later said she only asked because she thought I might want that. I don’t; I want a traditional, monogamous, long-term relationship, and I’ve been clear about that. She also shares unusually personal details with others, like discussing her birth control with a married former boss in a way that felt inappropriate.
She told me she basically doesn’t use Snapchat anymore and hasn’t in years. Later I saw that a message on her account was marked as opened. When I asked, she insisted she hadn’t used it and that it must be a glitch, even though the app doesn’t auto-open messages after a certain time. She doubled down instead of being transparent. Recently, I noticed some physical/sexual things that felt off. When I brought this up, she immediately got defensive, accused me of being paranoid, said she’s lonely in a new state, and suggested we just break up if I “feel that way.”
She has invested a lot (moved across the country for me, is affectionate, successful, good with her daughter, and in many ways quite traditional). But I no longer feel safe or secure in the relationship. I’ve repeatedly told her that loyalty and honesty are non-negotiable for me, and that the indirect sexual/cheating jokes and lies about loyalty-related topics really damage my trust. I don’t have concrete proof of cheating. What I do have is a pattern of small lies, persistent “jokes” about cheating and other partners, dishonesty when confronted about Snapchat, and defensiveness and victim-playing when I express my concerns.
