Dating again post divorce and honesty

[AndyVin]

Entirely new to the forum and hoping to get some advice on my particular dating situation, I know for sure I’m not entirely unique so I’m hopeful I can get any advice on how to best both be good man and be more successful in dating simultaneously. I don’t really have anyone I’m comfortable talking to about this stuff in my personal life unfortunately.

So im 30years old, out of an LTR that ended a year or so ago. We’d got married and not long after the marriage the relationship broke down because some stuff I’d been secretly up to came out, and thensynopsis being infidelish behaviour / extreme politics on twitter, and she rightly lost trust, and felt it was easier to just start again. No kids or shared assets thankfully, but the divorce process in the UK has been prolonged regardless.

Fast forward to now I’ve read No more Mr Nice guy and I just want to be direct and honest with women generally annd about my **** up, own it and be clear that I’ve changed and be that integrated man. Also reading Rationale Male I’m not sure what to think, because I’m just putting myself in such a compromised position, and maybe I just shouldn’t be responding to women’s direct questions, directly as I think is suggested. Or should I even be bringing it up at until far later? I tend to tell women details over the first and second dates depending on when what they ask. Whilst only giving general details, the reactions on the day are fine, no freak outs or anything and women are still often engaging for a while but I seem to struggle to get that third date.

I understand that I shouldn’t get rewarded for basic honesty but I’m starting to despair at the “nothing hidden nothing halfarsed” motto of Robert Glover. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Around 2018, before the pandemic, I was in an LTR. She eventually found about $10,000 worth of charges on my credit card for booze, cigarettes, gambling, and cam girls. That led to a lot of fights, and we eventually broke up. During those fights, she even said she would make sure my next relationship would be terrible and that she’d tell any future partner all the bad things I had done.

In my next situationship, around the six-month mark, she kept asking what went wrong in my previous relationship because I had hinted it was complicated. I eventually told her the full story. Her reaction was basically that people make mistakes and the money could be recouped. She asked a few questions, like whether I had seen hookers, which I had not, but the relationship continued for another eight months.

My point is that, unless you’re very charismatic and comfortable being the center of attention, it’s usually better not to trauma-dump your past right away. Let someone get to know you first instead of leading with your worst mistakes, and focus more on sharing moods, tastes, and values. If a woman genuinely likes you, she’ll often accept your flaws as long as they aren’t major deal breakers. Being accountable and learning from your mistakes gives you more leeway later than putting all your faults on the table too early.

As you can see, my faults were arguably worse than yours. Still, be careful about what you post on social media or online since it stays there forever.

 

[The Duke]

You state you give out details to random new girls but you don't share those on the forum?

I think you need to provide context. What are these extreme views and infidelish behavior you speak of?

What is it that you share on first dates that turns girls away?

Sharing too much too early with a new girl can certainly be a problem but you need to be yourself.

 

[Bible_Belt]

You state you give out details to random new girls but you don't share those on the forum?

I think you need to provide context. What are these extreme views

His government might come and arrest him if he answers that question.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Politics is the downfall of many relationships and it's all over nothing really...

Falling into the trap they want...to be so distracted and divided arguing that you can't see what they are actually doing with a clear head.

My advice is stay as far away from politics as you can in your life. Nothing good comes from it. Unless you plan on becoming one of them yourself.

 

[plumber]

if not already also read:

The 48 Laws of Power
Sex at Dawn
The Red Queen
The Married Man Sex Life Primer

Some of the stuff you can just skim over if you already know it. Just browse and only read what you don't already know.

When we start to understand the truth of some things, its not fun. Life will get better, but first need to accept some difficult ideas. You have already started.

 

[AndyVin]

In my next situationship, around the six-month mark, she kept asking what went wrong in my previous relationship because I had hinted it was complicated. I eventually told her the full story. Her reaction was basically that people make mistakes and the money could be recouped. She asked a few questions, like whether I had seen hookers, which I had not, but the relationship continued for another eight months.

Thanks for the response and how you've dealt with these sorts of things in your past. I suppose for me I just worry that i'll just be walking on egg shells forever without bringing these things up. But maybe saying "It's complicated and I don't want to go into details about it" is enough and I think everyone's already told me this, including a counsellor once.... I don't need to let anyone in right away or feel pressed about it. Need to stop worrying about the perfect on the first date because clearly girls are just getting scared off instead.

You state you give out details to random new girls but you don't share those on the forum?

I think you need to provide context. What are these extreme views and infidelish behavior you speak of?

What is it that you share on first dates that turns girls away?

I suppose that's a fair criticism. Infidelish is a bit of a cop out, i didn't get caught but she had suspicions, and then interacting with the far-right on twitter, BAP and people of that community. I tell girls that i'm previously married often a first date and then often by the second they'd like some details and I'd provide an honest but generalised version of the above.

Politics is the downfall of many relationships and it's all over nothing really...

Falling into the trap they want...to be so distracted and divided arguing that you can't see what they are actually doing with a clear head.

My advice is stay as far away from politics as you can in your life. Nothing good comes from it. Unless you plan on becoming one of them yourself.

Honestly these days I just try and focus on myself work, gym and hobbies, and i'm doing fine, don't feel like i'm missing out although I decided to get back on Instagram. I think my twitter use just started as escapism during COVID and then genuinely got angry about various things happening across Europe and got really drawn into BAP and other nationalists.

if not already also read:

The 48 Laws of Power
Sex at Dawn
The Red Queen
The Married Man Sex Life Primer

Thanks i'll have a read / listen.

 

[BadBoy89]

So im 30years old, out of an LTR that ended a year or so ago. We’d got married and not long after the marriage the relationship broke down because some stuff I’d been secretly up to came out, and thensynopsis being infidelish behaviour / extreme politics on twitter, and she rightly lost trust, and felt it was easier to just start again.

Also reading Rationale Male I’m not sure what to think, because I’m just putting myself in such a compromised position, and maybe I just shouldn’t be responding to women’s direct questions, directly as I think is suggested. Or should I even be bringing it up at until far later?

Any advice would be appreciated.

You got married and cheated on your wife.

So you know how to attract a woman and get a wife.
So you know how to attract a woman and sleep with her while you have a wife.

Why the hell are you on Sosuave asking questions about women? You know exactly what to do.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Thanks for the response and how you've dealt with these sorts of things in your past. I suppose for me I just worry that i'll just be walking on egg shells forever without bringing these things up. But maybe saying "It's complicated and I don't want to go into details about it" is enough and I think everyone's already told me this, including a counsellor once.... I don't need to let anyone in right away or feel pressed about it. Need to stop worrying about the perfect on the first date because clearly girls are just getting scared off instead.

The purpose of the first date, for her, is simple: to see if she can get along with you, enjoy your conversation, if there is romantic interest and feel interested in what you/she says. The second date is different, she already knows you get along, so now she’s quietly assessing whether you’re dependable and a good match. She’s also looking for any potential red flags or liabilities that might affect a future relationship.

Your weaknesses and personal baggage come much later, when sharing them actually helps increase intimacy. At this stage, all it does is drop you out of the running. You haven’t established a relationship yet, so there’s no need to open up about these things. Be polite and tactful but resist the urge.

I’m a private person and hate airing out my dirty laundry, but I understand not everyone is like me, and that’s okay. Even though you’ve made mistakes, people often do, and what matters is figuring out how to move on from your guilty conscience and stop punishing yourself over it. In the big scheme of things, it’s not as serious as you might think.

 

[The Duke]

Thanks for the response and how you've dealt with these sorts of things in your past. I suppose for me I just worry that i'll just be walking on egg shells forever without bringing these things up. But maybe saying "It's complicated and I don't want to go into details about it" is enough and I think everyone's already told me this, including a counsellor once.... I don't need to let anyone in right away or feel pressed about it. Need to stop worrying about the perfect on the first date because clearly girls are just getting scared off instead.



I suppose that's a fair criticism. Infidelish is a bit of a cop out, i didn't get caught but she had suspicions, and then interacting with the far-right on twitter, BAP and people of that community. I tell girls that i'm previously married often a first date and then often by the second they'd like some details and I'd provide an honest but generalised version of the above.



Honestly these days I just try and focus on myself work, gym and hobbies, and i'm doing fine, don't feel like i'm missing out although I decided to get back on Instagram. I think my twitter use just started as escapism during COVID and then genuinely got angry about various things happening across Europe and got really drawn into BAP and other nationalists.



Thanks i'll have a read / listen.

Your life is one big lie. Your responses tell me you can't even be honest with yourself. Until then you will continue to lie and misrepresent yourself to others.

A common theme amongst liars is being frugal with the details. Even when I pressed you for more you were cautious about how you worded things.

You have some major insecurities and need a professional counselor.

This isn't the site for you.

 

[AndyVin]

Why the hell are you on Sosuave asking questions about women? You know exactly what to do.

Sure, I'm not completely useless or barren with women but I wouldn't classify myself as a play either.. I wanted some specific feedback on how to deal with my own situation I suppose. I also wanted people to speak to about the "integrated man" ideal and how to become that first and foremost, where my ethics and actions are actually aligned, because they haven't been historically and I think that's where a lot of my issues have come from. That being said, being too honest too early and trauma dumping on women hasn't helped either. I'm just dipping into the forum to get a feel for it really.

The purpose of the first date, for her, is simple: to see if she can get along with you, enjoy your conversation, if there is romantic interest and feel interested in what you/she says. The second date is different, she already knows you get along, so now she’s quietly assessing whether you’re dependable and a good match. She’s also looking for any potential red flags or liabilities that might affect a future relationship.

Your weaknesses and personal baggage come much later, when sharing them actually helps increase intimacy. At this stage, all it does is drop you out of the running. You haven’t established a relationship yet, so there’s no need to open up about these things. Be polite and tactful but resist the urge.

I think you're right, being polite, not lieing but saying that I just don't know them that well yet is probably more sensible than the approach i've had so far. I have a first date tonight so maybe i'll feedback how it goes! Thank you

Your life is one big lie.

Honestly, the first thing my dad said to me as I explained the situation to him a year and bit ago was that i'd always had a problem with lying since growing up, and it hurt a lot because I hadn't realised how well he still knew me. I lied plenty to my ex and to women before her my entire life but since hitting my rock bottom during the divorce i've lost appetite for it and I want to find different way and change. I don't want to go back there.

So pretty much you're correct, and as you suggest a major part of what got me here are insecurities, maybe i'm a bit anxiously attached for this or that reason, or insecure about physical features. I'm doing my best to deal with those and I have had plenty of counselling. They agree i've had problems with lying evidently, but these are behaviours I can change. I'm sorry that I was sufficiently candid initially, i'll try to put it all out there, whilst keeping back what I think's appropriate for an online forum. You might be right that this isn’t the place for me but just to be clear, i'm not leaving because you tell me to.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

Welcome. As you see the guys are unfiltered around here. Hell, so am I.

Here's the thing about lying. It hurts YOU. But being indisriminate telling everyone your yucky stuff also hurts you. Dump your trama at your therapist's office, be more discreet with people you are just getting to know ffs.

There are many ways to lie. Denial (to yourself and others), omission (what they don't know won't hurt them), gas lighting (spinning what really happened into something else) and being an outright bull chit artist.

And @The Duke is correct.....you are lying first to yourself.

WHY?

Typically people lie to themselves to create a false narrative to cover up something ugly within themselves. This becomes a root from which narcissism grows. Then the budding narcissist does everything to use others for emotional fuel and will do most anything to protect the false narrative he or she has crafted.

Maybe your parents told you you'd never amount to anything, that you are selfish, that you aren't good enough, that they favor your sibling, etc., etc., maybe you got married to satisfy someone else's agenda, your parents; your friends; your ex wife.....you failed to stand up for you....OR, you were an entitled ass hole who didn't consider others and didn't care how your lies hurt people close to you. Or both.

For some reason you are insecure about stuff.

You gotta figure that out. To live in an authentic way you gotta get real. You gotta face whatever the deep ugly stuff is, and you gotta learn to look at it, to accept that is part of you. You gotta own your own BS. And then you gotta live in truth.

You don't want to be loyal (sexually and emotionally) to one woman? Then you do NOT stand up in front of God, family and friends and take vows of marriage!!

And its no use beating yourself up about it now. It happened and you are processing the fall out. You must go forward and do better and by that I mean do better at being honest with yourself firstly, and then create a life built around your own self respect.

Some of us are old farts compared to you. I certainly am. But you are still young and you can get yourself straightened out & on a path more aligned with your values, whatever those are. Even though you have a certain political stance, retain the ability to critically think, and to discuss/consider other perspectives. Do NOT promote your political views to religious doctrine status.

And I'm pretty right leaning.....but can openly discuss ideas with liberal people I know. Often we agree to dsagree.

Learn to be tolerant of being uncomfortable. Being truthful to yourself and others is going to create discomfort in your psyche. Having someone hold different beliefs than you will also make you uncomfortable. That is part of gaining maturity and developing chatacter.....

Currently you have weak character. You are not comfortable with yourself or honest about who you are & what you stand for. You will stop lying once you learn to embrace your truth, even if it makes others uncomfortable.