Beginning of the end? Or just normal LTR turmoil

[AM349]

Fear of commitment... fear of vulnerability? It can become a vicious cycle (with same woman or among several women) if not resolved.

Something to consider?

P.S. @AM349 what's your dating history? Any successful long term relationships? 2+ years? By successful I mean minimal push/pulls, starts and stops, highs/lows, incompatibility.

Iam scared to be vunrebal to fast, because I think it can come over as weak and scare them away. Yes I have had long term relationships in the past, longer then 2 years.

 

[AM349]

Since he began dating her in November 2024, I am going to presume it's same girl.

I just re-read his previous thread and it appears I wasn't the only one who mentioned his fear of/inability to be vulnerable being a problem, at least in part (see below post from @Divorced w 3 ).

It's disheartening that nothing has changed since that thread.



I agree she may be hurting which is where all this emotionality is coming from.

I did take on the advise. I told her how I felt and that I actually love her too. I just kept it a couple notches less then her the whole time.

Would you recommend giving her space to process the emotions? Or just text/call her?

 

[AM349]

OP I apologize if it seems like I'm trying to get into your head but what was going on here^^?

Why were you so "in your head" and quieter on this particular day? It's not lost on me that it was Valentine's Day... of all days.

Also you do realize that any lower energy from her was in direct response to your lower energy, quiet demeanor and being in your head. Don't you?

How did you respond when she asked you what was wrong?

Not accusing you of anything but..

I do know a bit about commitment fears and it's not uncommon for those with such fears to sabotage holidays such as V Day, birthdays and Christmas... as such holidays represent closeness, togetherness, commitment between couples which causes anxiety in people with commitment fears.

So they sabotage by either disappearing on those days or shutting down (quiet, being in their heads as you were).

Have you thought about this at all? Has this been a recurring theme in your previous romantic relationships?

In any event... this isn't all on you. She has chosen to stay despite her hurt or unhappiness... that's on her.

- I was in my head becaues of things happening in my life. I told her this, and that I had nothing to do with her.
- Yes, I realise she was just reflecting my energy.
- Yes, I am scared to be vonrubal, scared to get hurt.

 

[AM349]

I had something similar with a fling that lasted about a year. For certain reasons, we could never make it official, although I would sometimes joke that I’d marry her in 20 years, and her eyes would light up. She often said she was a great planner and threw the best parties, and she hyped up my birthday for months. When it finally came, she went all out, got me a great present, my favorite cake, rode me with a lot of effort like she never had, and made the day really special. But a week later, during one of our weekly meetups, she told me she wanted more effort, reassurance, and she wanted to be on the "same page". I only saw her once a week and never on weekends, and that wasn’t enough for her. Those conversations kept happening every month or two until it ended because she wanted more than I could give. She came back a week later, but by then I had already decided to be done.

Did you tell her that it could never work out?

Did you also feel off sometimes, because it was fun but deep down you knew it could not work out?

Did she feel it too? Or was she just okay with it?

 

[The Duke]

You are going to need to provide her with more mental/emotional security so she doesn't get tripped up. You need to do this by leading, and listening to what she puts value on, and acting. I think she has done a good job of explaining what it is she is looking for. The question is, can you be that person? I don't think you guys are a good match. She is probably on the more emotional side and you are on the less emotional side and you guys struggle to provide what the other needs. Its too much for you at times, and not enough for her and thats the disconnect perhaps?

The solution is to find more rational, less emotional women. There are some that think valentines day is stupid and don't get so hung up on the significance of holidays, certain dates, etc.

 

[Clockwerk50]

Did you tell her that it could never work out?

Did you also feel off sometimes, because it was fun but deep down you knew it could not work out?

Did she feel it too? Or was she just okay with it?

1. No. I teased her by acknowledging that it could potentially work out in 20 years, when all of our arrangements and logistics are aligned. One of my qualities, for better or worse, is that I tend to kick the can down the road. Therefore, one of the agreements was that I would see her at least once per week, but never on the weekends, for both her sake and mine.

2. No. I generally kept things light and playful, with moments of aloofness, c*ckiness or even displeased. I alternated between warmth and coldness. There were times when I “opened up,” but the main purpose was to give her the joyful feeling of getting to know me. Keeping up constant mystery is not only tiring, but it would have eventually created doubt on her.

She once said I was her happy place since her personal life was full of responsibilities and depressing moments. In my mind, being depressed, overly introspective, or self-centered would have created the opposite effect. From an outsider’s perspective, and based on the information you provided, you are coming out as weak and insecure in front of her like you’re appealing for her sympathy because you don’t want to provide what she needs. That’s what being “in your head” can look like from the outside.

But anyway, in conclusion, I genuinely had fun with her the entire time.

3. I wasn’t down. As I said, there were times when I occasionally opened up, but I was mostly a source of entertainment for her. The last time we hooked up, before she told me she was going to take a step back, was right before her week-long trip out of town. I saw her on Monday, and then she cleared her schedule on Thursday and Friday so we could see each other again. I didn’t go. She got fed up, told me she wanted more, and left for her trip intending to forget about me. This is the part where you have to keep proving yourself or continuing to “game” her to maintain their interest.

However, when she came back, she intended to fix the issues between us, but by that point, I had already shifted into a “whatever” mindset and started doing my own thing.

 

[AM349]

1. No. I teased her by acknowledging that it could potentially work out in 20 years, when all of our arrangements and logistics are aligned. One of my qualities, for better or worse, is that I tend to kick the can down the road. Therefore, one of the agreements was that I would see her at least once per week, but never on the weekends, for both her sake and mine.

2. No. I generally kept things light and playful, with moments of aloofness, c*ckiness or even displeased. I alternated between warmth and coldness. There were times when I “opened up,” but the main purpose was to give her the joyful feeling of getting to know me. Keeping up constant mystery is not only tiring, but it would have eventually created doubt on her.

She once said I was her happy place since her personal life was full of responsibilities and depressing moments. In my mind, being depressed, overly introspective, or self-centered would have created the opposite effect. From an outsider’s perspective, and based on the information you provided, you are coming out as weak and insecure in front of her like you’re appealing for her sympathy because you don’t want to provide what she needs. That’s what being “in your head” can look like from the outside.

But anyway, in conclusion, I genuinely had fun with her the entire time.

3. I wasn’t down. As I said, there were times when I occasionally opened up, but I was mostly a source of entertainment for her. The last time we hooked up, before she told me she was going to take a step back, was right before her week-long trip out of town. I saw her on Monday, and then she cleared her schedule on Thursday and Friday so we could see each other again. I didn’t go. She got fed up, told me she wanted more, and left for her trip intending to forget about me. This is the part where you have to keep proving yourself or continuing to “game” her to maintain their interest.

However, when she came back, she intended to fix the issues between us, but by that point, I had already shifted into a “whatever” mindset and started doing my own thing.

I think my disconnect comes from that I really enjoy being with her, but somewhere deep down I know that I won’t wife her.

So the more fun I have, the more I get hit with the fact that I can’t enjoy this forever. And that gets me in my head.

Didn’t you have this problem?

Also I am almost 22, she is 26 and already talking about kids and stuff. So she doesn’t have the time to waist like I do.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I think my disconnect comes from that I really enjoy being with her, but somewhere deep down I know that I won’t wife her.

So the more fun I have, the more I get hit with the fact that I can’t enjoy this forever. And that gets me in my head.

Didn’t you have this problem?

Also I am almost 22, she is 26 and already talking about kids and stuff. So she doesn’t have the time to waist like I do.

After a while, you come to accept that people are fickle, tomorrow isn’t promised, and anyone can walk away at any moment since nothing is guaranteed to last forever.

So the choice is yours: if you genuinely want to meet her needs or find common ground, reach out and lead; if you prefer the status quo, then let her come to you, but develop thicker skin and be ready for it to end without warning. And understand that if you keep treating her like something disposable, you can’t be surprised when it eventually breaks and walks away for good, in which she may already be gone.

 

[BeExcellent]

After a while, you come to accept that people are fickle, tomorrow isn’t promised, and anyone can walk away at any moment since nothing is guaranteed to last forever.

So the choice is yours: if you genuinely want to meet her needs or find common ground, reach out and lead; if you prefer the status quo, then let her come to you, but develop thicker skin and be ready for it to end without warning. And understand that if you keep treating her like something disposable, you can’t be surprised when it eventually breaks and walks away for good, in which she may already be gone.

This ^^^^^.

She is ready to be serious, you are not. She has spent too much time on you already, and that realization is setting in for her. So the shelf life is approaching the expiry date.

 

[RoadKing_Rabbit]

Of course, everyone will have a different take on things.

As previously pointed out a few times, why did you get back with her? No need to answer, but you definitely need to be honest with yourself about why. The only times I did something like that in the past was for one of two reasons. 1.) I was experiencing a "dry" spell. 2.) I felt empty without dating someone. Of course now I know better. Those are crap reasons for getting 'back' with someone and you not only do them a disservice, you do one over on yourself, effectively preventing you from meeting an awesome bad ass lady who doesn't make things seem confusing or like tedious programming work.

Leads me into my next point which again, others have pointed out. You've narrated a LOT of detail into things many of us don't even consciously worry about. If she's upset, then she's upset. It probably isn't something I did or didn't say, probably isn't something I did or didn't do. If you have a certain degree of experiences with women (that word is plural for a reason), you know how to better understand them, and more importantly how to better understand your ability to giving them what they need or desire in return.

You've made this seem like some labyrinthian nightmare. It's like all the letters in this hefty book just fell onto the floor in a heap of gibberish and you're working overtime to try to make sense of it all. Sometimes not everything has a clear cut reason. Which is why you must be the one to bring the reason, balance and order to the chaos of life. It seems as if she already sees you as someone who CAN do this. The answer is can you honestly? What can you do and what are you willing to do? If there's certain things generally expected in a relationship within society that you just don't like doing, this is something that needs to be communicated. Especially if it's more serious than just dates or s3x. Same goes for things she does that you may or may not like. Just like we don't like to read minds, they shouldn't be expected to read ours either.

I've had great relationships with women like the one you describe. It even came up multiple times that I'm not always the initiator when it comes to memes, gifs, messages, etc... I simply replied that I'm more of an in person communicator and sometimes just don't care about my phone. Plus I LOATHE those who pay attention to their devices more than the road and I'm on my bike a lot. She believed me after a while and actually grew to appreciate my independence of the phone and when I feel so inclined I hide little letters for her to find. I don't care HOW un 'alpha' people may say it is, I like to do little things here and there for LTRs to reassure them I still pick THEM, regardless of the f@st @ss Jezebels that may oggle me.

 

[Lotus Effect]

Read that again. And again. And again.

*Chick dumps you. Resurfaces after 2 or 3 weeks and throws you bread crumbs. You bang her. You're winning....right? Wrong. She goes back to hot/cold. You're confused. How could she treat me this way? Because you told her that you would be there waiting for her when she got tired of riding Chad's dic during the 2 weeks you were "broke up". Chad got tired of her emotional mess and now she is running back to you because you let her. Guess what will happen when the next better option comes along? Thats right, she will do the same exact thing and "Need more space" again.

*You are talking to a chick and she ghosts you. A month or two later you hear from her out of the blue. You are jumping up and down with joy because she came back! Everything is good.......right? You set up a date and she flakes. So you say "How dare her flake on me!". Guess what? You taught her that you are low value when she got you re-interested again with little to no effort. You told her through your actions that YOU WOULD ASK how high if she said to jump.

YOU set the standards for how women and all other people treat you.

YOU set the tone on how you handle disrespectful behavior.

Nobody else but you.

I had a chick hmu this week after falling off the face of the earth a few months ago. I get a snap from her: "Hey whats up?". Not much I say. She goes on to ask if I deleted her on fb. "Sure did". She seemed amazed that a man would do such a thing since she sees herself as a princess.

"Listen princess, I know that you are waiting on me to ask you out for drinks again. That isnt going to happen. However, if you want to come over next weekend and hang out at my house we might be able to arrange something".

To that she went full bytch mode. Accusing me of trying to use her for sex. Well duh. She already proved she isnt dating material. She wants to get mad? Who cares. She wants to act like she deserves a dinner date? Cool......go get it from someone else.

Men- start holding these women to a higher standard in their actions and how they treat you. Do not put up with disrespect, especially from a chick that has literally done nothing for you in the beginning of the dating process. You will instantly increase your self value which is all that you can control anyways.

You teach people how to treat you

Read that again. And again. And again. *Chick dumps you. Resurfaces after 2 or 3 weeks and throws you bread crumbs. You bang her. You're winning....right? Wrong. She goes back to hot/cold. You're confused. How could she treat me this way? Because you told her that you would be there waiting for...

www.sosuave.net

This

 

[CornbreadFed]

She was scared to be vulnerable, I thought that she wasn't interested and cut things off. Made a post about it back then.

yall need to practice proper plate spinning instead of getting lazy and content with these dry spell cures and getting surprised when they realize what they were initially used for.

 

[MatureDJ]

My standard has always been that a gal has to act both dutifully & sane for 6 months for me to make the next logical step. I've never had anyone be able to meet that criteria.