When a Woman Is Very Invested but Kills the Vibe, how to set bounderies?

[AM349]

Hey guys,

Looking for some grounded outside perspective here.

I’ve been seeing a girl (26) since august, I’m 21. Attraction has been very strong from early on: consistent dates, sex, traveling together, bonding experiences. She’s emotionally expressive, intense, and clearly very invested. I’m more calm, grounded, and value lightness and polarity.

Over the last weeks her interest level has been very high:
– she initiates contact
– invites me into her private world (home, family context)
– talks about future plans (living together, kids by 30, marriage)
– asks about exclusivity and “what the intention is between us”
– shows jealousy around parties, other women, and situations she can’t control
- telling me she loves me, and likes me a lot, saying stuff like that she can't see herself with someone else
- she litterely asked me multiple times when I am going to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I haven't yet because I have some doubts

So attraction itself isn’t the issue.

The problem is the emotional pressure and regulation that started coming with it.

On the last short date (Dec 30), the vibe started fine, but she gradually went deep into her head overthinking. She started projecting future worries (me possibly moving cities someday, timelines, “if this won’t work I want to know now”), questioning situations that hadn’t even happened yet, and spiraling into anxiety-based scenarios.

I stayed calm, playful, and reassuring without over-validating. But the constant mental loops killed the emotional and sexual vibe for me. At some point I genuinely didn’t feel like escalating anymore, and just told her that we are just going to chill and not have sex.

She then tried to “fix” the situation with sex and physical closeness. I declined, because for me sex shouldn’t be used to repair emotional tension. She got irritated and confused by the fact that earlier I did feel desire, but now didn’t anymore.

This is where I started feeling internally irritated.

What bothered me most wasn’t that she overthought, but that:
– the vibe was killed by her mental spiraling
– there was no acknowledgment that this affected my attraction
– and she seemed frustrated with me for losing desire

To me, attraction isn’t something you can demand to switch back on after emotional pressure.

At the end of the date she wanted a hug. I initially said no because I was still annoyed, then gave one before she left. She seemed withdrawn and sad. Overall I just stayed calm and just told her that I wasn't feeling it tonight because she kept on spiriling into anxious scenario's about us.

Later that night I noticed she had accepted three new male followers on Instagram. She didn’t follow them back, but this stood out because she did the exact same thing once before after we had tension in the beginning of the relationship. It feels like emotional self-soothing through external male attention.

Is it just ego regulation to get some quick dopamine and fix her ego? Or is she trying to replace me already? Should I worry about the other guys in this stage of the relationship?

That part bothers me, because it feels like:
– instead of acknowledging her role in the dynamic
– she regulates hurt feelings by opening herself up to other men’s validation

Which makes me question emotional maturity and long-term stability.

So my questions are:
– Did I handle the boundary correctly by pulling back when the vibe died, or did it come across as punitive?
– And how do you interpret opening up to other men’s attention right after tension?
- How do I correct this behaviour? Just pull back and take away my attention or?
- What would be the correct course of action? I want to keep seeing her, but she can't just get away with this.
- About the male followers, is it just ego regulation to get some quick dopamine and fix her ego? Or is she trying to replace me already? Should I worry about the other guys in this stage of the relationship?

Appreciate any solid perspectives.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

I think she´s too old for you. I dont think you should consider her for something serious. You had sex, you won, time to cut your losses and move on

 

[Bible_Belt]

Baby rabies, accellerated anxiety due to age difference. You've got 20 years to have kids. She's got just a few.

 

[AM349]

Baby rabies, accellerated anxiety due to age difference. You've got 20 years to have kids. She's got just a few.

So how would you handle this?

And how to set bounderies and come out this situation where we are both anoyed with each other?

 

[AM349]

I think she´s too old for you. I dont think you should consider her for something serious. You had sex, you won, time to cut your losses and move on

So how would you handle this?

And how to set bounderies and come out this situation where we are both anoyed with each other?

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I stayed calm, playful, and reassuring without over-validating.

Jesus Christ, dude. Women are humans with complex emotions and worries.

Not engineering problems to be solved.

Listen to and understand her concerns.

That's all she wants.

And two humans are sometimes going to not be in sync when it comes to sex and intimacy.

Stop thinking you can "game" your way around any obstacle.

Just suck it up and deal with sh*t when it comes up.

 

[AM349]

Jesus Christ, dude. Women are humans with complex emotions and worries.

Not engineering problems to be solved.

Listen to and understand her concerns.

That's all she wants.

And two humans are sometimes going to not be in sync when it comes to sex and intimacy.

Stop thinking you can "game" your way around any obstacle.

Just suck it up and deal with sh*t when it comes up.

I understand and agree, but HOW?

 

[BillyPilgrim]

Jesus Christ, dude. Women are humans with complex emotions and worries.

Not engineering problems to be solved.

Listen to and understand her concerns.

That's all she wants.

And two humans are sometimes going to not be in sync when it comes to sex and intimacy.

Stop thinking you can "game" your way around any obstacle.

Just suck it up and deal with sh*t when it comes up.

BS this chick wants possession, not a listener. OP, run it will only get worse over time. Never suck up toxicity.

 

[Clockwerk50]

I’m not sure you’re really a rock if you can’t handle a simple comfort test. You’re punishing her for showing her feelings, and if you keep treating her like a “plate,” it will eventually break; everything has an expiration date.

In a situation like yours, after seeing someone for a while, it’s easy to start taking things too seriously and reacting to behavior you don’t like. The problem is that nagging or complaining won’t help, it will just make her defensive and make things worse. You’ll have more influence if you keep the right mindset. Don’t try to change her; instead, guide her with your actions. Being playful, doing little things to make her happy, and not sweating the small stuff will keep the relationship flowing smoothly.

However, if you feel your attraction fading because of her behavior, or if she seems to be losing interest, then it’s better to end things quickly rather than drag it out.

 

[BillyPilgrim]

I’m not sure you’re really a rock if you can’t handle a simple comfort test.

This is one long comfort test that will never end.

 

[Clockwerk50]

This is one long comfort test that will never end.

Isn’t that how relationships work? OP feels undervalued when she kills his vibe, and she feels undervalued when he dismisses her. He punishes her to show his worth, and she seeks attention elsewhere to feel seen.

I don’t know any woman who doesn’t want comfort or a man who doesn’t want to feel appreciated. I just know you can’t solve endless comfort tests with logic or lectures or by over-validating or punishing

 

[BPH]

@AM349 is this the same girl from this thread, just over 2 weeks ago? https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...dates-feel-quiet-and-heavy-what-to-do.285295/

You got good advice in that thread, but I'm not sure you've taken any of it.

One thing I've noticed is that you listed this girl tells you she loves you, but you still haven't said the same to her.

So you haven't told her you love her...you haven't defined the relationship...and you're distancing yourself from this girl by denying her sex, and even a simple hug.

You clearly don't care that much about this girl, which is fine, but then you tell us you're sitting there watching her Instagram follower count increase AND were able to find the 3 men she accepted.

You don't seem to know what you want, only that it's not her.

My advice remains the same:

I would keep seeing her the way you've been seeing her, but with the understanding that this relationship now has an expiration date.

Maybe you've already reached that expiration date. Also, you handled this about as poorly as you could've, and luckily, you're young, so it's ok to make these mistakes now. But you don't get to tell this girl "no", but also get upset with her for entertaining guys who would say "yes".

 

[sevbucmash]

questioning situations that hadn’t even happened yet, and spiraling into anxiety-based scenarios

Red flag. Self-destructive behavior. She's self sabotage even if you was into it fully committed. Which I get a vibe you aren't, and I don't blame you.

 

[AM349]

@AM349 is this the same girl from this thread, just over 2 weeks ago? https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/she-confessed-love-after-a-trip…-now-dates-feel-quiet-and-heavy-what-to-do.285295/

You got good advice in that thread, but I'm not sure you've taken any of it.

One thing I've noticed is that you listed this girl tells you she loves you, but you still haven't said the same to her.

So you haven't told her you love her...you haven't defined the relationship...and you're distancing yourself from this girl by denying her sex, and even a simple hug.

You clearly don't care that much about this girl, which is fine, but then you tell us you're sitting there watching her Instagram follower count increase AND were able to find the 3 men she accepted.

You don't seem to know what you want, only that it's not her.

My advice remains the same:



Maybe you've already reached that expiration date. Also, you handled this about as poorly as you could've, and luckily, you're young, so it's ok to make these mistakes now. But you don't get to tell this girl "no", but also get upset with her for entertaining guys who would say "yes".

Thanks for the reply. I actually listened to the advice and told her I liked her too. Since then her mood actually changed back and has been great recently until the last time we met.

The problem is that she keeps killing the vibe. I then don’t want to be with her, and then she feels undervalued that I don’t want to be with her, and that makes me feel misunderstood because she also just ignores how her behaviour impacts my vibe and the vibe of the date.

Its a self feeding cycle that I don’t know how to navigate and break?

 

[Cheeky_James]

So the million dollar question is :

“do you want to marry her or not Bob?”

is she hot enough and cool enough to get into a serious relationship with. or not ?

I mean - she’s put it all out there re how she feels and what she wants. She’s waiting for the answer to that. Pretty simple.

The other side of it is - what do YOU want brah?

wanna play the field a bit ?
Can you get another like her down the track fairly easily?
Cut her loose then .

She’s told you what she wants , stop putting it back on her and her behaviour. This is all textbook chick stuff after she has grown strong feelings for the guy she has been ****ing/ travelling with/ having good times with yada yada

It’s not her fault you can’t decide what you want ..ya know?

‘**** or get off the pot’ as the old saying goes…

 

[Doctor Europeo]

So how would you handle this?

And how to set bounderies and come out this situation where we are both anoyed with each other?

Either put a ring on it or start pursuing younger girls. In your particular case, due to your age, I would recommend pursuing younger girls.

 

[BPH]

Thanks for the reply. I actually listened to the advice and told her I liked her too. Since then her mood actually changed back and has been great recently until the last time we met.

The problem is that she keeps killing the vibe. I then don’t want to be with her, and then she feels undervalued that I don’t want to be with her, and that makes me feel misunderstood because she also just ignores how her behaviour impacts my vibe and the vibe of the date.

Its a self feeding cycle that I don’t know how to navigate and break?

There is a MASSIVE difference between telling a woman you "like" her, versus "love" her.

You don't love this girl, and her attempts to get a commitment out of you are doing more to annoy you than to attract you to her, just the same as if the roles were reversed and you were a clingy guy.

The self-feeding cycle is that you have an ego where you don't want the girl, but you don't want her to want anybody other than you. You're not giving her what she wants from you, but you're also feeling slighted by the fact that she's looking for that elsewhere.

My suggestion is to find someone you actually like, and stop keeping her from finding someone who actually likes her.

 

[Sega Genesis]

My suggestion is to find someone you actually like...

^^This and also who you're not afraid to be. vulnerable with re: your feelings towards her.

The way I view this is after four months and a close intimate trip together, SHE made herself vulnerable to you and revealed she was in love with you.

In response not only did you not reciprocate but
you're essentially punishing/blaming her for "killing the vibe" and distancing yourself!

Think about that for a second. This is precisely why women are often advised to wait for the man to reveal his feelings and intentions first.

Not sure what her motivation is re the guys on IG but my guess is she realizes you and she are NOT on the same wavelength and she is seeking other options. Which is understandable under the circumstances.

Or she may using IG to evoke jealousy which is actually a form of manipulation.

Does it matter? You don't want her anyway so it's unclear why your knickers are all in a knot about it. Only you know but it sounds like pure ego and not much else. It certainly does NOT sound like caring.

@AM349 ...there comes a point in a relationship (or even before) when all the red pill nonsense about 'maintaining frame' and the keeping the upper hand needs to be tossed in the garbage.

And you begin being REAL with each other. She was, you're not. You're still obsessed with maintaining frame and the upper hand. And playing 'push/pull' games.

You're only 21 so there is still a ton to be learned and experienced... my suggestion is let this girl go and continue exploring and experiencing life and other women.

Someday hopefully this will all make sense...