When parenting replaces a life of our own

[jhonny9546]

Do not fall into the trap of "consumerism of life" and don't live for yourself only because regrets will come sooner or later. Leave something to the people that matter to you, even if it only means leaving good memory of you.

Forgive me if I sound crude, but you yourself analyzed how people who "have no purpose" believe that having children will just be another "thing to do" to keep their minds "busy."

I'll give you the example of a woman in a relationship: if there's no drama or anything to shake up her world, she gets bored and leaves.

If there are something like children, you see her living and feeding on constant drama.

He sees old teammates around him, surrounded by families, wife, children, grandchildren.....and he sees that his old teammates have a family; a legacy; people close to them who love & care for them.

Just be single, not necessarily rich or successful, and see this happening around you.
But how many of these couples he sees are "happy," in "healthy" relationships, not based on trauma bonds or the idea of "staying together for the kids" or because "we lack viable alternatives, so we're stronger togheter now"?

And how many of these people will feel "comforted" by having children around, but in reality will have children who can't wait to receive the inheritance?

 

[BaronOfHair]

Forgive me if I sound crude, but you yourself analyzed how people who "have no purpose" believe that having children will just be another "thing to do" to keep their minds "busy."

Not "just"... Susan Smith would've ended up another unremarkable Karen, without HER offspring

 

[BeExcellent]

Forgive me if I sound crude, but you yourself analyzed how people who "have no purpose" believe that having children will just be another "thing to do" to keep their minds "busy."

I'll give you the example of a woman in a relationship: if there's no drama or anything to shake up her world, she gets bored and leaves.

If there are something like children, you see her living and feeding on constant drama.


Just be single, not necessarily rich or successful, and see this happening around you.
But how many of these couples he sees are "happy," in "healthy" relationships, not based on trauma bonds or the idea of "staying together for the kids" or because "we lack viable alternatives, so we're stronger togheter now"?

And how many of these people will feel "comforted" by having children around, but in reality will have children who can't wait to receive the inheritance?

Be careful. You are becoming quite jaded. I have friends who were high school sweethearts who just celebrated 34 year anniversary yesterday. They are lovers, best friends, and they have been through alot. Raised their children, dealt with him being in combat, dealt with serious health issues.....and they just GLOW around each other. Its a beautiful thing.

I have MANY friends in fantastic marriages like that, actually. I love having myself and my husband around people like that. Wonderful (+) influences....

Quit assuming everything is bad for everyone because you listen to jaded, negative people. It will poison your mind and severely bias your perspective. It will affect how you then show up in your relationships, which will negatively impact them.....and that will solidify your negative bias.

All because you are skewed here.

 

[SW15]

At the end of the day your goal as a parent is for your kids to live better lives than you did and you work hard to ensure that happens.

Most Gen Y/Millennials are doing worse economically than their Boomer parents. Millennials are also rapidly aging, as they are now in their 30s/early 40s.

One of the legacies of the Boomer generation will be their failures as parents of the Millennial generation.

Gen Z (another generation doing poorly) has had mostly Gen X parents. Gen X hasn't done well with them but I haven't seen Gen X get criticized for poor parenting as much as Boomers.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Most Gen Y/Millennials are doing worse economically than their Boomer parents. Millennials are also rapidly aging, as they are now in their 30s/early 40s.

One of the legacies of the Boomer generation will be their failures as parents of the Millennial generation.

Gen Z (another generation doing poorly) has had mostly Gen X parents. Gen X hasn't done well with them but I haven't seen Gen X get criticized for poor parenting as much as Boomers.

More like the kids chose to do whatever

 

[Slowhandluke]

a lot of people have a lot of free time now a days; so they decide to do a lot of sports. So what? Do what they want, enjoy life.


I play a lot of video games with my kid and walks/hikes in the park. We are athletic, but we dont kill ourselves playing sports (hes only 9). we play when we want, join the leagues that we want, etc.

Yes, the trend is for traveling sports. If my kid wants to do that, we will do it. I dont "ding" other families for doing the sports thing. HOWEVER, sometimes these families get too serious and that is something I consider bad. The chance that any average kid is going to get a college scholarship is very low. Above all, whatever people do together just make sure is a good bonding experience for everyone. Can't get those years back

 

[BaronOfHair]

Most Gen Y/Millennials are doing worse economically than their Boomer parents

One of many shibboleths that won't die

 

[jhonny9546]

because you listen to jaded, negative people

I actually listen to those people, not everyone else.
And what they're saying is that "they've done this sacrifice for their kids"

 

[BeExcellent]

I actually listen to those people, not everyone else.
And what they're saying is that "they've done this sacrifice for their kids"

Of course. When you have children you must give the child's needs a high priority. This should be so obvious that it does not need to be stated.

Babies are helpless. They cannot walk, clean or feed themselves. It is a 24/7/365 role. It is inconvenient at times, no doubt. Some things are required to properly care for children, some things are choices.

Classic needs vs. wants. People ought not become parents if they are too selfish/self-focused/self absorbed to understand there ARE sacrifices. Like the ones your parents made for you.

What I don't like is when people act like martyrs because they are parents.

Duh. Its a HUGE responsibility as I said before. No need for drama kings and queens.

 

[jhonny9546]

What I don't like is when people act like martyrs because they are parents.

It's clearly understandable to fulfill one's role as a parent, precisely to meet the needs of children who can't do so on their own.

But that wasn't the point of the discussion.
It was about relationships and why people stay together for their children.
Rather than separating and still supporting their children's needs.

These are two very different things.
What do you think?

 

[BeExcellent]

It's clearly understandable to fulfill one's role as a parent, precisely to meet the needs of children who can't do so on their own.

But that wasn't the point of the discussion.
It was about relationships and why people stay together for their children.
Rather than separating and still supporting their children's needs.

These are two very different things.
What do you think?

Children benefit most from stability. Children learn how to do relationships by observing the relationship between their parents primarily, and other loved ones with close ties.

How this works will vary widely depending on individual circumstances. I believe a nuclear family built around a hostile marriage is harmful (no emotional stability or security) just as I believe divorced parents who vindictively leverage the children and use them as pawns is harmful.

You see everything depends on the emotional maturity and stability of the parents.....and that varies widely.

There is no algebra equation. Life is too nuanced for that. Quit asking these esoteric rhetorical theoretical questions. Just be as mature and emotionally stable as you can....and if you decide to father children do it with an emotionally mature & stable woman.

If you tell me that emotionally mature and stable women don't exist? Not true. You just aren't seeing them or are not on their radar....which means you must examine yourself. Who are you? How do you behave? Do you have unrealistic expectations?

Water seeks its own level. Always.

 

[jhonny9546]

If you tell me that emotionally mature and stable women don't exist?

They exist, but there's nothing emotionally mature about talking to these types of women, and you know they'll still use what you said when you opened up emotionally.
So I don't understand what you mean by emotional maturity.

 

[BackInTheGame78]

I actually listen to those people, not everyone else.
And what they're saying is that "they've done this sacrifice for their kids"

If you need someone to tell you this, I'm not sure what to tell you. This concept should be pretty simple to grasp.

 

[BeExcellent]

They exist, but there's nothing emotionally mature about talking to these types of women, and you know they'll still use what you said when you opened up emotionally.
So I don't understand what you mean by emotional maturity.

Based on your quote and mindset above, you do not think emotionally mature women exist. Instead you are blinded by your own bias. You do not believe they exist; much like many people believe they can never be rich.

Your mind limits you. I don't need to tell you what emotional maturity is. You can look that up. Your problem is you see women as childish users.

Fact is women often mature emotionally much faster & earlier than men. Countless studies confirm this. THAT is one reason young women are drawn to older men....their peers act like boys rather than men and are often emotionally immature.

 

[Jor-El]

My mum and dad didn’t have much time for me when I was a kid. I remember my dad teaching me how to swim under water. Mind you, I wish he had taken me out of the sack first

 

[BaronOfHair]

And what they're saying is that "they've done this sacrifice for their kids"

Matter of perspective, hoss: If one is privy to the wisdom here

He or she recognizes there's no sacrifice at all. You're investing in the future of humanity, by allowing two or more hearts to beat, in their own seperate worlds

 

[jhonny9546]

@BeExcellent
I understand your position because I see these things happen too.
From your perspective as a woman, put yourself in the shoes of a man who has repeatedly opened up to women because he believed they were "emotionally mature," but they have responded inconsistently.
Furthermore, many men here complain about the same thing. And that's what they call "unicorns," and we know unicorns don't exist.

But we'd love it if you could put yourself in our shoes, to help us understand how to recognize emotionally mature women, beyond the fact that there are women who choose older men as partners.

He or she recognizes there's no sacrifice at all. You're investing in the future of humanity, by allowing two or more hearts to beat, in their own seperate worlds

This actuall reconnects to another post, but yes, people just "commit" and don't care about abuse, and other things.
A healthy relationship comes after satisfation of human needs.
For this we might use the maslow hieararchy.
If those needs are satisfied by the relationship, so people "stay" committed.
If those needds can be satysfied individually, people search for the healthy one.
This seems to be logical and can explain why so many families stayied togheter because they've had their basic needs satysfied by the relationship itself

 

[BeExcellent]

Thank you @jhonny9546 for that. Here's the thing. It does not matter that I am female. This is not about gender perspectives.

This is about you as an individual. As you look out from your present circumstance into your future, what do you want your life to look like?

Be very specific.

What kind of man do you need to be to accomplish the things you formulate in your mind? What kind of woman fits into your design? What qualities does she possess? What must you develop in yourself to become that version of yourself and to accomplish that vision?

You cannot just be drifting around aimlessly in life yourself expecting good fortune to deposit a great woman in your life.

Once you know what direction you need to go in and how you need to grow and mature as a man to go on that journey, what you require in a woman will come into sharper focus. Then you screen women you come across against that criteria.

Right now you don't appear to have criteria other than is she attractive enough to bang and will she go out with me.

That's not enough to screen on, so you end up casting too wide a net and wasting alot of time.

 

[Manure Spherian]

But how many of these couples he sees are "happy," in "healthy" relationships, not based on trauma bonds or the idea of "staying together for the kids" or because "we lack viable alternatives, so we're stronger togheter now"?

No one knows. And their happiness or lack of it has nothing to do with others’ marriages or how an individual man runs his marriage.

And how many of these people will feel "comforted" by having children around, but in reality will have children who can't wait to receive the inheritance?

No one knows again! Dude, your posts are starting to get KYS vibes.

 

[jhonny9546]

Right now you don't appear to have criteria other than is she attractive enough to bang and will she go out with me.

I reserve this for your judgment or hunch. I certainly have some.