no physical reciprocation after second date? being used for money vs moving slow?

[qallus]

hey all i am new to this forum, and dating in general. 21 yo male. met a girl off a dating app, went to dinner, intentionally did no kino or physical escalation. second date i did the basics, and at the end of the date, after a hug, i kept my hands on her waist and tried to stare in her eyes, see if she was open to kissing but she just pulled back. i spent way too much on her than i should have, im still learning. my question is, do some women really just prefer to move that slow, or is she just using me for my money? how can i differentiate between the two? she said she had a good time, and texted asking if i got home safe, but i assume she was just being polite. one day later and no contact. is this obvious disinterest?

 

[BPH]

She doesn't prefer to move that slowly; you didn't make a move.

You went on 2 dates without even going for a kiss. It's likely she's looking for physical chemistry with somebody else, since you didn't provide it to her.

You have permission to kiss women who go on dates with you on the first date if they're open to it...half the time mine end in sex. But it is you, as the man, who has to lead and make the move.

 

[handle]

Is it disinterest?: We don't know because we don't know your specific cultural context, whether she has any dating experience herself, subtle things that happened during the date, etc etc etc. I do find the scenario a bit unusual and I would suggest being a bit more forward on the first date. She might be confused by the sudden change to being more physical on date 2. But context is everything.

Using you for money?: Easiest way to figure this out is to not do expensive dates. As an early 20-something in north america, my "first dates" were going to the free night at the art gallery, or smoking a joint and drinking a tall can in the park, or breaking into construction sites together...

What to do about this girl: If you like spending time with her there's no reason not to see if she wants to hang out again. If you don't and the mood feels off, then chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. This isn't a life-or-death decision, just pick what you want.

What to do in future: 1. I'd probably be more direct on the first date. 2. In general, please don't get too sucked into the weird theories and black-and-white thinking you may encounter on sites like these. It is a great idea to improve your dating life and improve yourself. But the main thing is to grow your confidence, gain experience, and have fun -- not to fall into a mysogynistic wormhole.

 

[qallus]

She doesn't prefer to move that slowly; you didn't make a move.

You went on 2 dates without even going for a kiss. It's likely she's looking for physical chemistry with somebody else, since you didn't provide it to her.

You have permission to kiss women who go on dates with you on the first date if they're open to it...half the time mine end in sex. But it is you, as the man, who has to lead and make the move.

why would she pull away on the second date then? she was obviously into me initially if she went for a second.

 

[qallus]

Is it disinterest?: We don't know because we don't know your specific cultural context, whether she has any dating experience herself, subtle things that happened during the date, etc etc etc. I do find the scenario a bit unusual and I would suggest being a bit more forward on the first date. She might be confused by the sudden change to being more physical on date 2. But context is everything.

Using you for money?: Easiest way to figure this out is to not do expensive dates. As an early 20-something in north america, my "first dates" were going to the free night at the art gallery, or smoking a joint and drinking a tall can in the park, or breaking into construction sites together...

What to do about this girl: If you like spending time with her there's no reason not to see if she wants to hang out again. If you don't and the mood feels off, then chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. This isn't a life-or-death decision, just pick what you want.

What to do in future: 1. I'd probably be more direct on the first date. 2. In general, please don't get too sucked into the weird theories and black-and-white thinking you may encounter on sites like these. It is a great idea to improve your dating life and improve yourself. But the main thing is to grow your confidence, gain experience, and have fun -- not to fall into a mysogynistic wormhole.

i don’t want to be seen as chasing. i initiated first two dates, it’s on her now right? i feel asking for another is just beta, no?

 

[Bible_Belt]

You went on 2 dates without even going for a kiss.

Read closer. "She pulled back." He should give up and move on.

 

[ValiantMale]

It's hard to say beause it's different for everyone, both from the female side and the male side.. but from what I'm reading it seems there is either little chemistry or you're too hesitant to really be physical which is causing her to feel anxious and weirded out by the half attempts.

If you don't get to at least first or second base with a woman on the initial date, there's almost no reason for her to give you a second date. She'll feel like the chemistry is dull.. Some women might still take you up on dates to get wined and dined.. and for the conversation, but it seems like her pulling back tells you all you need to know. Sorry that happened to you man...

 

[BPH]

Read closer. "She pulled back." He should give up and move on.

at the end of the date, after a hug, i kept my hands on her waist and tried to stare in her eyes, see if she was open to kissing but she just pulled back.

He didn't make a move, he just read a sign and decided it was enough for him to not even try.

why would she pull away on the second date then? she was obviously into me initially if she went for a second.

Are you saying you went in for the kiss or not? From the way you describe this, she pulled back when in close proximity to you - not because you tried to kiss her.

But yeah, either way, don't bother with her anymore.

 

[inquisitor]

depends on your budget, what you want, and the type of woman you're deciding to date at this moment. also, not enough context. overall, if you attempt to reach out and she replies, tell us more how she responds.

obviously, most women will not immediately kiss a man they don't know unless a level of chemistry and trust is developed.

 

[Vanderdonck]

hey all i am new to this forum, and dating in general. 21 yo male. met a girl off a dating app, went to dinner, intentionally did no kino or physical escalation. second date i did the basics, and at the end of the date, after a hug, i kept my hands on her waist and tried to stare in her eyes, see if she was open to kissing but she just pulled back. i spent way too much on her than i should have, im still learning. my question is, do some women really just prefer to move that slow, or is she just using me for my money? how can i differentiate between the two? she said she had a good time, and texted asking if i got home safe, but i assume she was just being polite. one day later and no contact. is this obvious disinterest?

She is not "using" you per se, that is her intentions might not be bad. Fix what you can control here. Dinner dates only really happen in sitcoms. Don't take a girl out to dinner on any date preceding sexual intimacy.

It's not about wasting money or being used (though those can happen), it's about keeping the vibe laid back and sexual and not being boring. Sitting with a table between you, eating a full meal, it's just not conducive to building an intimate rapport. Only exception would be if you are sitting at a bar or booth next to each other and get some light appetizers. I mean do you really want to be digesting a full meal when you want to get close?

Plus you need to be in a position where kino or kiss happens throughout the date, not just on the walk home or to her car. Hunger, fullness, reading menus, listening to the specials, waiting, it's just not a romantic scene unless you're already a couple.

Keep it simple and put yourself in a position to escalate. I doubt this girl's character is such that she'd exploit you (though it's possible) but she probably followed the "lead" of the dinner date and found it more platonic than sexual. Hope that helps.

 

[BaronOfHair]

...intentionally did no kino or physical escalation...

And that put you in worse stead than Iraq, when they failed to acquire nukes, just like their neighbors to the east. Next time, don't hesitate to behave like a gal you desires lover from the outset...

That reeks of timidness, and heterosexual women find such traits about as appealing as we men find chicks who fail to swing their hips, whenever they so much as walk down the hall

 

[qallus]

She is not "using" you per se, that is her intentions might not be bad. Fix what you can control here. Dinner dates only really happen in sitcoms. Don't take a girl out to dinner on any date preceding sexual intimacy.

It's not about wasting money or being used (though those can happen), it's about keeping the vibe laid back and sexual and not being boring. Sitting with a table between you, eating a full meal, it's just not conducive to building an intimate rapport. Only exception would be if you are sitting at a bar or booth next to each other and get some light appetizers. I mean do you really want to be digesting a full meal when you want to get close?

Plus you need to be in a position where kino or kiss happens throughout the date, not just on the walk home or to her car. Hunger, fullness, reading menus, listening to the specials, waiting, it's just not a romantic scene unless you're already a couple.

Keep it simple and put yourself in a position to escalate. I doubt this girl's character is such that she'd exploit you (though it's possible) but she probably followed the "lead" of the dinner date and found it more platonic than sexual. Hope that helps.

what should we do for first dates then? i’ve only ever done coffee or dinner, neither conducive for kino

 

[qallus]

And that put you in worse stead than Iraq, when they failed to acquire nukes, just like their neighbors to the east. Next time, don't hesitate to behave like a gal you desires lover from the outset...

That reeks of timidness, and heterosexual women find such traits about as appealing as we men find chicks who fail to swing their hips, whenever they so much as walk down the hall

yep definitely made a mistake there. was the first date i had in years and was nervous to make a move. quite literally the day after i escalated fairly quickly with another girl and we brought it to bed first date. i’m learning.

 

[Vanderdonck]

what should we do for first dates then? i’ve only ever done coffee or dinner, neither conducive for kino

Ideally something where you can converse intimately, like drinks, or even ice cream on a park bench. (Ice cream is not a meal, lol.) Activity dates are good too like billiards, bowling, mini golf, darts, a walk, etc. but often they are recommended for a second date to keep building that chemistry.

 

[Clockwerk50]

In my methodology, when it comes to online dating, the first meetup is equivalent to the "approach." It can then transition into "Date 1" if both parties are interested in continuing to explore a romantic connection. This transition can happen on the same day or later, depending on how quickly both individuals choose to move forward. In some cases, it may lead to a same-day lay, or it might happen on a later date.

Meeting someone through OLD is basically like going on a blind date. You’ve never met in person, you don’t truly know what the other person looks like, and you're unfamiliar with each other’s body language or energy. That puts you at a disadvantage compared to cold or warm approaches where you’ve already seen and felt that in-person dynamic.

Needless to say, and as most people suggest, your first meetup should be low investment: grabbing coffee at Starbucks, taking a walk in the park, hanging out in a parking lot, smoking weed, etc. If the vibe is right and things are progressing well, then you can transition to a second venue or activity, like getting drinks, bowling, checking out a ribfest, axe throwing, or whatever else gives you more time together in a fun setting, which would be considered "Date 1". Again, this can also happen in another meet up or day.

That said, I think your issue might be that you weren’t fully tuned in to her signals or adapting to her pace and mood. You need to learn how to read the signs: when she’s closed off or defensive, you back off. When she starts giving more open, inviting signals, that’s when you move things forward. You escalate until you get a red light, then you pause, observe, and wait to see if she invites you back in through her behavior or subtle cues. You grabbing her waist at the end of Date 2 may have simply been too late or was out of sync.

 

[Hal9000]

At this point she's either not in to you or she's assuming you're not into her as any interested guy would have at least gone in for a goodnight kiss by the end of the second date. You shouldn't be waiting for her to kiss you.

 

[CornbreadFed]

I can't really tell you what went wrong because there's a lot of stuff that could've went wrong and your OP is extremely brief. Based off my estimations, you are just a newb and just made inexperienced mistakes. It sounds like she isn't interested in you should just next it and move forward. All I can say is do not invest a lot money on the first date because it is just a screen date.

 

[sevbucmash]

 

[Divorced w 3]

sexual contact aside from getting you some pleasure is about calibrating the relationship, and if she isn’t reciprocating you simply stop seeing her, what’s the point? Move on

Always be escalating

date one should be first intimating (verbally, kino or both) that you’re going for the kiss or physical contact and then you attempt to follow through, and then the you calibrate accordingly, meaning you either cut it or you move on if there is a crystal clear valid reason, but 9/10 times I’m out if something doesn’t happen

date two is earned as a result of date one, you should be sliding hands onto and ideally into pants, again you’re also using sexual verbal language and tones of voice

date three, again earned, should be sex


Remember sex starts in the mind. You have to give her a little taste then pull back, push pull as they say, but this can be done all on date one if handled properly, meaning there is an opportunity for sex on all these dates but definitely by date 3, (it’s a game they play sometimes)

don’t take any advice from @ValiantMale he’s a recycled poster who admitted being a trailer park incel , I had Grok analyze his posts

 

[frenchflow]

Sixth sense is telling me you're getting used .