Loneliness is killing me, how would you fix it?

[AM349]

Writing this because it’s starting to take a toll on me mentally and I’m looking for advice on how to navigate this part of life properly

I also believe a lot of young men around my age are going through the same thing and maybe this will help them too. I’ve searched the internet but couldn’t find anything concrete on this topic. That’s why I’m posting it here because this feels like one of the last places online where rational men speak honestly

Since around my 20th birthday last year I realized that if I want to build a good future for my wife kids and myself I need to work hard and smart right now. So when the colder months came around last September I locked in. I started grinding improving and leveling up in every way I could

My mindset and values started to shift. I began to notice a growing gap between me and my old friends. Most of them are still focused on gaming and drinking every week

Don’t get me wrong I still enjoy having fun. But they either want to game all day or get wasted. And when you’re in grind mode you just want to relax and have a decent drink maybe do something meaningful. I still like to go out and have a good time but not to the point where I blackout and waste the next day recovering

It feels like I’m moving forward while they’re standing still

From September through June I told myself I’d go all in on the grind and when July and August came I’d enjoy life again. But now it’s August and I find myself spending every weekend alone driving around at night to cope. I have no close male friends to do the things I enjoy with. That feeling of loneliness is hitting me harder than I expected and it’s eating away at me.

And yes I do call some of the guys from the past to something fun, but they just don't seem to like the activities I suggest.

I do have a rotation of women but even though this forum focuses a lot on women I think having strong male friendships is even more important. You can’t build a kingdom without a brotherhood

Is this just a normal stage of life?

And how do you find other men who are on the same mission and mindset?

How to make new male friends?

Appreciate any honest input

 

[zekko]

Wait a minute, let me get this straight, just so I understand: You're in your early 20s, have a wife and kids, and a rotation of women?

 

[AM349]

Wait a minute, let me get this straight, just so I understand: You're in your early 20s, have a wife and kids, and a rotation of women?

Lol no, future wife and kids.

 

[Ricky]

There is a group i am a member of and i don’t have a financial interest in and its the most positive group of people ive ever met. Feel free to Pm me. I don’t make a dime from it but its a group of people who are like minded on fitness. They have probably done more to keep me positive than any thing else

 

[BPH]

You're alone in this world, and nobody is coming to save you.

The quicker you come to that conclusion and accept it, the sooner you can find comfort in that reality to focus on the things you have control over, rather than the things you don't.

Friends come and go, family members die and relocate, and women may leave your life just as quickly as they enter it. So it's really just YOU. Look for happiness internally, rather than externally. You need to like the person you are, because that is the only person you'll always have.

Now that we have the grim stuff out of the way, let's focus on what's tangible...

When you say you "locked in", what did you accomplish? You talk about leveling up, but what does that really mean? Judging by your age, I'm assuming that you're either a senior in college or recently graduated. Have you just been putting more hours into your job? Are you investing time and money into building a business? Or maybe you've been doing a lot of research on topics that you think will be relevant to your future?

Simply put: what have you been doing with your time?

Beyond that, you're asking how to meet similarly minded men. Most of my close guy friends have come from some childhood experience (going to school together), or through proximity (workplace, gym). Whatever mission you're on, you'll likely meet guys and make friends with people who you naturally encounter who are on a similar path to self-improvement.

However, you do not need "brotherhood to build a kingdom". I've read many more stories about businesses failing/hitting a roadblock because somebody's partner lost faith, took the money, and bailed than I have about them being successful.

You're only 21. The fact that you have this mindset now is good, but don't let that stop you from enjoying the moment you're in now. You will never be this young again, and you are only getting older. The purpose of life is to enjoy it. Regardless of how you define that, do things that bring you that joy, and don't waste time on the things that don't. That doesn't mean that you won't have to make sacrifices NOW for joy LATER, but also remember that tomorrow is not guaranteed.

Do what YOU want to do. That would be my best advice.

I don't know if you're an Alex Hormozi fan, but I found this particular clip very impactful:

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

youtube.com

 

[zekko]

Lol no, future wife and kids.

Okay, I thought that might have been what you meant, but I wanted to be sure.

Anyway, I've talked about this before, but when I was your age I was trying to improve my social skills. So one thing I did was try to take advantage of every possible opportunity to socialize. If there was a party, I tried to get invited to it. If someone asked me to do something, I would go. Sort of like that movie "Yes Man". If nothing was going on, I called up people I knew and tried to get something going. Something along these lines might work for you. At some point with me, I had to back out of this, because there were other things I wanted to prioritize, and I didn't want to sit around drinking with people when I could do something more productive. But it did help me.

Men's friendships are usually based around common interests. So if you have interests, I would try to get into a friendship or a group that shares that interest. Like if you like golfing, try to go golfing with people who also like to do that. If you like playing music, join a band. That sort of thing.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I find myself spending every weekend alone driving around at night to cope.

...I do have a rotation of women

These statements seem incongruent.

 

[BadBoy89]

You can’t build a kingdom without a brotherhood

Invent something that people need and monetize it, and your kingdom will be bigger than Genghis Khan's.

A brotherhood may be important when a man is young, but when he is older, the same brotherhood wouldn't mind if he was not around. Less competition for them.

I do have a rotation of women

How to make new male friends?

Best way to make male friends is to have something in common with them, sport, job, university courses. Even if you make male friends, once they get married and have children, you will lose contact easy if you are not married with children. Even if you are married with children, people have their own lives and responsibilities. They won't care about you.

Sounds like you are looking for a male support group more than anything.

If you really want to make male friends quick, introduce the women in your rotation to any man you meet. If the woman is hot and kisses the man well, he'll be your best friend for life.

 

[justaroundthecorner]

At 21 you should be in college if you want to efficiently develop your skills further and get some intership in the chosen field (the sooner, the better).

Gaming at this age (or at any other) is ok unless it interferes with studying.
Partying at this age is ok (unless it interferes with studying).
Dating many women at this age is ok (unless you are dating the drama types - drama types should be ditched ASAP when in college or doing any major personal project).

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Hmm...did you ask Britney Spears?

"My loneliness is killin' me (And I)...
I must confess, I still believe (Still believe)...
When I'm not with you, I lose my mind...
Give me a sign...
Hit me, baby, one more time..."

 

[Travel memoir21]

Ah age 21, you and I know this very well this is one of the best time to pursue your purpose or goals or pursue a high quality woman to be your significant other. You and I know College is a haven for young, modest, feminine/ traditional women waiting to wifed up. Well atleast here where I'm at in South East Asia anyways, but even in the states, if you look underground and look around you're bound to find some decent women at that age.

 

[jhonny9546]

Life used to be simpler. If you were meant to be a baker, you accepted it, gave it everything, and after decades, it paid off.
Now, everything’s uncertain. Trends come and go, we have too many interests, too many options. We don’t commit, and we get stuck in limbo.
The greatest luck in life is choosing, not the “right” choice, just a lucky one.


I say this as someone older, still figuring things out, passionate about too many things, slowly cutting out what doesn’t matter. Also, friendship often comes from meeting mutual needs. It’s not fake, it’s just how humans work. But don’t be fooled by perfect Instagram lives; many of those people are still lonely.
Be a real friend, in practical ways.
Ask yourself: what do I give, and what do I get?
Even being mocked can serve a purpose, it boosts others’ status in the circle.


Anyway, in a gaming group, I give company, get tips. In a fitness group, I give energy, get advice. In an art group, I give skill, get recognition. At work, I give time, get money and experience.
If a “friend” disappears when your interests change or you move away, that is ok. If they stay, despite everything, then you’ve found someone who truly wants to be in your life journey.

 

[ValiantMale]

You need to go out and have fun independantly and you will meet people regardless. There's tons of things to do in any city, even a rural area. FIgure out what your hobbies are and what cultures you associate with and then get involved in those things, and you're bound to meet others.

 

[plumber]

if your in USA, take a look at military. lots of different types of military and jobs within. most of those situations will solve the issue your asking about.

 

[Clockwerk50]

It’s hard to give solid advice because your post is vague. You talk about grinding and wanting deeper friendships, but you don’t clarify what your goals are, what activities you’re inviting people to, or what kind of value you bring.

From the outside, it sounds like you want to lead, but you’re frustrated no one’s following, and instead of adjusting, you’re resenting it. That loneliness might come less from a lack of people and more from trying to control the dynamic.If you want to lead, you need to offer something worth following; not just expect people to do what you like, then get frustrated when they don’t.

When I was your age, I saw this clearly. One friend left his weed-smoking crew and joined ours since we were club promoters downtown every weekend. That group stuck because we all went to the same gym, but it dissolved once people moved or changed routines. Same with college friends - we’d study and hit car meets, but the group dissolved after graduation. Male friendships are often built around shared environments. When those change, so do the connections.

If your circle hasn’t changed, maybe your growth isn’t as deep as you think. And if that’s not happening, your “grind” might still be surface-level. You’re expectations are different from the reality.

 

[Desdinova]

I do have a rotation of women but even though this forum focuses a lot on women I think having strong male friendships is even more important. You can’t build a kingdom without a brotherhood

You know how men generally suck at dating women? Well they suck at being friends too. You'll pick up male friends along the way. I have one really good friend that I used to work with. Great guy and completely reliable. Almost all of my other friends are flaky as hell.

Fill your life with women. Fill the void with women you don't want to date. Don't underestimate women, they can make really good friends. I find they're more reliable. If you need help with something, call up a female. I had a female friend who helped me re-do my bedroom. She even had a line on cheap paint.

You can't build a kingdom by waiting for your friends to stop playing Fortnite. Build your kingdom by leading women into it and get them to help build it.

 

[BaronOfHair]

Start by spending more time outdoors, being sociable, and less time on video games and binge watching Squid Game for the zillionth time. Simple as this sounds, many of us(especially men)aren't doing so

 

[Bokanovsky]

Since around my 20th birthday last year I realized that if I want to build a good future for my wife kids and myself I need to work hard and smart right now. So when the colder months came around last September I locked in. I started grinding improving and leveling up in every way I could

What exactly do you mean by "grinding"? I'm assuming you are NOT referring to using the Grindr app.

How were you improving and levelling up? Why was it necessary for you to be "locked in" for nearly a year? It's hard to believe that you went from getting black out drunk to being an insanely dedicated workaholic (assuming that's what you mean by "grinding") overnight. That kind of transformation takes time. It feels like a key part of the story is missing.

 

[BaronOfHair]

What exactly do you mean by "grinding"? I'm assuming you are NOT referring to using the Grindr app.

It'll be charming if he's referring to cheese

 

[DonJefe19]

Is this just a normal stage of life?

Yeah, you're going to feel that way. The trick is not letting the hopelessness get in the way of your drive when you decided to commit something. And that could be very difficult because of emotions.

And how do you find other men who are on the same mission and mindset?

How to make new male friends?

Making assumptions here but I think you're looking for other entrepreneurs. Most entrepreneurs who are as young and hungry as you are constantly trying to improve themselves. So, the best places to look are small business meet ups or anything involving networking:

* Startup pitch nights. Great place to discover other folks who are aiming for success but on their own terms.
* Sometimes cities have week long events revolving around entrepreneurship. For instances, where I live they have Startup week hosted at the public university.There are others too: Startup Weekend, Business Builders Club, and a mirad of others.
* Business networking events are a gold mine of folks trying to make their businesses better and ultimately themselves: Connected Series is a good one and Business Networking International.
* Masterminds are very good too for finding other men that are looking to improve themselves.

If you're looking for hobbies then the best place to start is in the a gym. And I'm talking about a legit gym. The types that have $100+ membership fees. Those types of demographics are what you are looking for in terms of men worth buddying up with.

Golf is a good one as well. Volleyball and pickleball leagues are worth checking out.