Strategies dealing with a girl who fights for the frame.

[sevbucmash]

We have an age gap (41-28).

asks questions about me and my two children

In all honesty, she is just looking for a f-buddy and some fun. I don't see her long term going for older daddy with luggage.

 

[jhonny9546]

How can someone be a human being, come into the world, and have goals like cheating on their partner, or staying with them while having secret lovers and a double life?

I think a normal person wouldn't do these things. Instead, they would pursue normal and human aspirations, like hobbies, passions, education, and doing good.

That's why when something is said to be broken, it's truly broken and beyond repair. I know women like that.

 

[filerfiler]

In all honesty, she is just looking for a f-buddy and some fun. I don't see her long term going for older daddy with luggage.

How do you reconcile this with her actions?

1) Bombards my phone first thing in the morning with doty messages

2) Wants to hang out during the day at cafes.

3) Brings me a present every time we meet.

4) Talks to me about future plans and so forth

 

[filerfiler]

How can someone be a human being, come into the world, and have goals like cheating on their partner, or staying with them while having secret lovers and a double life?

I think a normal person wouldn't do these things. Instead, they would pursue normal and human aspirations, like hobbies, passions, education, and doing good.

That's why when something is said to be broken, it's truly broken and beyond repair. I know women like that.

How is this relevant here?

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

How do you reconcile this with her actions?

1) Bombards my phone first thing in the morning with doty messages

2) Wants to hang out during the day at cafes.

3) Brings me a present every time we meet.

4) Talks to me about future plans and so forth

Given the context of your original post, it sounds like these are meant to bribe you or are otherwise attempts to lock you down. It's long-term interest but for the wrong reasons. The real test, as you've discovered, is how she acts when you indicate the path you'd like to take.

Since she's combative and ready to risk the entire relationship by doubling down and not agreeing to face-to-face conversations for serious subjects (among other things), your only options are to give up frame or dismiss, meaning you only have one option. Personally this kills attraction for me pretty quickly, no matter how hot she is.

There is a healthy, respectful, and supportive way to show a person their shortcomings or express insecurity, and there is a manipulative way meant to cause as much harm as possible. Be 100% honest and 100% respectful with her about the friction you sense, as soon as it comes up.

The health of any relationship is determined by the lag time between when a problem is identified and when it's resolved. When there is comfort and trust, it's resolved instantly.

With this one it seems you need to do more explaining and leave less to implication, but there is no shortage of women that nod and agree in the moment then go back to acting out as soon as they leave your place. She seems to fall in this camp.

Could it be that the sex is so good that it has you here asking for ways to salvage the relationship? Alas, it's our duty to tell you what you already know. You can keep a dysfunctional relationship alive or have peace of mind, but not both.

Take it as a lesson on interdependence and focus on which specific skills could use the most attention, then move on when you're ready.

 

[sevbucmash]

How do you reconcile this with her actions?
1) Bombards my phone first thing in the morning with doty messages
2) Wants to hang out during the day at cafes.
3) Brings me a present every time we meet.
4) Talks to me about future plans and so forth

She could be playing you. More tests please and proceed with caution. It's highly unusual and unreasonable for HB9 want an old guy with two kids.

 

[sevbucmash]

HB9 and at 29 she could have anyone. Yet it's your lucky butt. Yea. magic happens. Go buy a lottery right away!
You should know better when things are too good to be true.

 

[filerfiler]

Given the context of your original post, it sounds like these are meant to bribe you or are otherwise attempts to lock you down. It's long-term interest but for the wrong reasons. The real test, as you've discovered, is how she acts when you indicate the path you'd like to take.

Since she's combative and ready to risk the entire relationship by doubling down and not agreeing to face-to-face conversations for serious subjects (among other things), your only options are to give up frame or dismiss, meaning you only have one option. Personally this kills attraction for me pretty quickly, no matter how hot she is.

There is a healthy, respectful, and supportive way to show a person their shortcomings or express insecurity, and there is a manipulative way meant to cause as much harm as possible. Be 100% honest and 100% respectful with her about the friction you sense, as soon as it comes up.

The health of any relationship is determined by the lag time between when a problem is identified and when it's resolved. When there is comfort and trust, it's resolved instantly.

With this one it seems you need to do more explaining and leave less to implication, but there is no shortage of women that nod and agree in the moment then go back to acting out as soon as they leave your place. She seems to fall in this camp.

Could it be that the sex is so good that it has you here asking for ways to salvage the relationship? Alas, it's our duty to tell you what you already know. You can keep a dysfunctional relationship alive or have peace of mind, but not both.

Take it as a lesson on interdependence and focus on which specific skills could use the most attention, then move on when you're ready.

On the whole i agree. I'm never an explain and lay down the law kind of person and people who expect this turn me off. In general I prefer people who "get it", they may test once but once they get it they don't approach the boundary again.

I don't want to salvage the relationship but I posted this to gain more perspectives. If she's not playing ball I'll let her go.

 

[filerfiler]

Its been a week since this post. What is your goal with this chick? You said you don't want a relationship this quick, why are you examining her behavior when you already said what yo don't want. Or are you lying to yourself like many new posters?

What the fvck do you want from her?

Need help with that stiff log up your backside?

 

[Divorced w 3]

On the whole i agree. I'm never an explain and lay down the law kind of person and people who expect this turn me off. In general I prefer people who "get it", they may test once but once they get it they don't approach the boundary again.

I don't want to salvage the relationship but I posted this to gain more perspectives. If she's not playing ball I'll let her go.

I agree with you. I wouldn’t take the lay down the law approach. You are nowhere near that point in your relationship with her. Stay nonplussed. Warm and yet non reactive. Give her room to find your maturity. Keep banging her. Don’t throw too much time, energy or boundaries down. Insecurity is expressed early in a relationship with firm talks and hard lines. If you do that you’re going to convey sublingually that you don’t have anything else going on and that you’re emotionally attached to her.

 

[filerfiler]

Speak of the devil...

I left her on read for 4 days, today she hits back with what are you doing later?

I laughed. So I'm thinking to hit back with "busy". the reality is I'm busy until later evening... or perhaps i should say busy until late.

 

[BeExcellent]

Well the question is this: Do you reward her for hitting you up or do you act short tempered?

"Busy" is too short IMO.

You could always say "Hmmm. Got stuff going on until pretty late. What did you have in mind?"

You respond in a nuetralish way & volley the ball back to her. See what happens next....

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

On the whole i agree. I'm never an explain and lay down the law kind of person and people who expect this turn me off. In general I prefer people who "get it", they may test once but once they get it they don't approach the boundary again.

I don't want to salvage the relationship but I posted this to gain more perspectives. If she's not playing ball I'll let her go.

The more you expect others to "get it", the smaller the pool of people you're compatible with. Old habits die hard, and effective communication can go a long way in showing others patience when they don't immediately meet our criteria. That said, I agree with you and there are plenty of people that know how to respect boundaries after they're shown only once.

I'm not saying you should compromise on your principles, but that it's healthy to recognize where we can improve. When she implies it's over, she may be reflecting what you're already projecting. When I sense mirroring, it reminds me to focus on giving off a positive vibe even if I'm dismissing her for disqualifying herself.

It can all seem terribly paradoxical sometimes.

You've stated facts but I'm curious to hear what you've learned from this relationship.

 

[filerfiler]

You've stated facts but I'm curious to hear what you've learned from this relationship.

That I’m an old fart and I can’t for the life of me stand people who don’t get it.

I’m just busy and every time I compromised on selectiveness it comes back to bite me because I just do not have the time to re educate

I’m fine with testing boundaries ONCE, and she has to get it just from my reaction. If I have to explain to someone how to behave and respect I find it an extreme turn off

It means they may grumpily do or not do what I asked but behind my back they’ll do othe stuff and I don’t have the time to police

if they don't just internalise how to behave there is no hope

However when you find someone who just gets it life is just to much easier for both of you, it's bliss...

That goes for me as well... for the right girl she'll be treated like she's never dreamed but I have to get to that stage naturally


I guess I don’t just want my pen inked and that’s it… in fact at times I failed to perform if I don’t at some level find the girl intellectually compatible and femininine in some way

 

[Divorced w 3]

That I’m an old fart and I can’t for the life of me stand people who don’t get it.

I’m just busy and every time I compromised on selectiveness it comes back to bite me because I just do not have the time to re educate

I’m fine with testing boundaries ONCE, and she has to get it just from my reaction. If I have to explain to someone how to behave and respect I find it an extreme turn off

It means they may grumpily do or not do what I asked but behind my back they’ll do othe stuff and I don’t have the time to police

if they don't just internalise how to behave there is no hope

However when you find someone who just gets it life is just to much easier for both of you, it's bliss...


I guess I don’t just want my pen inked and that’s it… in fact at times I failed to perform if I don’t at some level find the girl intellectually compatible and femininine in some way

Your banging a model just a little bit more than half your age and she’s cooking for you,( unless she’s a hand model) I respectfully ask you, why can’t you just be in the moment. Do you realize you’re playing a great hand, and not that others won’t come along but they’re considered great hands for a reason because they don’t happen a lot. Maybe you pull a lot of ass like this and if so fine more power to you. But like dude, why can’t you just have nice things. Chill the F out on all the rules and regulations. You’re gonna boundary your way right out of a 27 year old dime piece for no good reason. Stop overthinking this. Fvck her brains out and enjoy yourself.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Speak of the devil...

I left her on read for 4 days, today she hits back with what are you doing later?

I laughed. So I'm thinking to hit back with "busy". the reality is I'm busy until later evening... or perhaps i should say busy until late.

You are the sort of guy who is going to manipulate and gaslight this woman to death in six months aren’t you. JFC

 

[Divorced w 3]

Why? To teach her a lesson?


You are playing with fire and will get burned. Good luck to you

He’s gonna be a Netflix series

 

[BackInTheGame78]

How do you reconcile this with her actions?

1) Bombards my phone first thing in the morning with doty messages

2) Wants to hang out during the day at cafes.

3) Brings me a present every time we meet.

4) Talks to me about future plans and so forth

Sounds like love bombing. Beware OP...they lure you in this way and then turn on you like a hungry pit bull once they know they have you.

 

[Divorced w 3]

Sounds like love bombing. Beware OP

I agree on that. I don’t think he’s got the chops to navigate it.

 

[Sega Genesis]

That I’m an old fart and I can’t for the life of me stand people who don’t get it.

I’m just busy and every time I compromised on selectiveness it comes back to bite me because I just do not have the time to re educate

I’m fine with testing boundaries ONCE, and she has to get it just from my reaction. If I have to explain to someone how to behave and respect I find it an extreme turn off

It means they may grumpily do or not do what I asked but behind my back they’ll do othe stuff and I don’t have the time to police

if they don't just internalise how to behave there is no hope

However when you find someone who just gets it life is just to much easier for both of you, it's bliss...

That goes for me as well... for the right girl she'll be treated like she's never dreamed but I have to get to that stage naturally


I guess I don’t just want my pen inked and that’s it… in fact at times I failed to perform if I don’t at some level find the girl intellectually compatible and femininine in some way

Call me the odd one out but I do "get this"^^.

If I read this post correctly, you desire more than the young hot smokeshow who cooks for you and who you can readily bang, you desire a woman with a decent level of EQ and intellectual compatibility as well as beauty and I actually applaud you for that!

Such women DO exist!

It reflects at least to me you have depth and a certain amount of emotional integrity, which are attractive qualities at least to me and my circle of female friends.

It does become exhausting having to constantly educate and set the same boundaries, I can relate to that even as a female and yes agree it's a huge turnoff.

I'm not sure why you're being criticized for it but anyway...

Re this girl, it seems to me she does "get it," and it didn't require much explaining or teaching; you didn't contact her for 4 days and now SHE has reached out asking what your plans are later (she wants to see you).

Thus, she's no longer 'fighting your frame,' the opposite she has graciously "fallen into your frame." And she figured it out all on her own..

So why the dismissive response "I'm busy"?

Isn't this precisely what you wanted?

Why not meet her halfway at least? I like @BeExcellent response.

You could always say "Hmmm. Got stuff going on until pretty late. What did you have in mind?"

You respond in a nuetralish way & volley the ball back to her. See what happens next....

Spot on!

Anyway, you're gonna do what you want regardless just maybe be a bit less stubborn and don't cut off your nose to spite your face or whatever that saying is?

JMO good luck and keep us posted.