Girl canceling dates at the last moment

[oldmanofthesea]

Maybe the word "chasing" is wrong. The better word for it would be "caring". Caring for her by telling her what she did wrong makes her feel that she's not just a toy to you and are willing to make things work if she obeys and this makes HER want YOU. I mean, why would she want someone who doesn't even care to tell why he's ignoring her? How could she build her attraction to someone who's not there? And in this situation the girl is just a 18 yr old, I bet she doesn't even recognize what she did wrong.

This is an honest thought which I've been struggling to figure out, because I've seen so many situations where the guy hasn't given up so easily and that has worked out well. Remembering that a man who fights for his woman is not an AFC, if he doesn't do it desperately and is willing to walk away at anytime. And believe you me, I'm not the type of guy(anymore) to cry for a girl, because I very well know that there's loads of fish in the ocean.

Let me get this straight. You think you need to tell a person why flaking is rude or bad? They really don't know cancelling plans on someone is not a wonderful awesome thing??? You don't think they learned not to cancel plans with their platonic girlfriends during childhood and teens?

You are entering into a place of self-delusion. This is quite common, and I don't mean it as an insult. We've all been there. There is something you want to believe to be true so you start making up reasons as to why it is. Here are yours:
1. I'm not chasing, I'm caring
2. She doesn't know cancelling plans on someone repeatedly is wrong
3. She's only 18
4. A man should fight for his woman

I would love to hear of all your stories where a guy didn't give up so easily and ended up getting the girl and living happily ever after. Also, there is a difference between giving up easily and playing the game.

 

[Goksjrr]

Let me get this straight. You think you need to tell a person why flaking is rude or bad? They really don't know cancelling plans on someone is not a wonderful awesome thing??? You don't think they learned not to cancel plans with their platonic girlfriends during childhood and teens?

Maybe they know. But do I have to care?

You are entering into a place of self-delusion. This is quite common, and I don't mean it as an insult. We've all been there. There is something you want to believe to be true so you start making up reasons as to why it is. Here are yours:
1. I'm not chasing, I'm caring
2. She doesn't know cancelling plans on someone repeatedly is wrong
3. She's only 18
4. A man should fight for his woman

1. Not chasing, but caring. Meaning that you can tell her that if she likes to flake, then she can find someone else for that.
2. Maybe she knows. Maybe it's a sh1t test to see how you react.
3. Living life and not trying to commit. Fine for me, since I'm about that same life.
4. See 1. Not less, nor more. Just tell her what you think and if she does it again, then next.

I would love to hear of all your stories where a guy didn't give up so easily and ended up getting the girl and living happily ever after. Also, there is a difference between giving up easily and playing the game.

Lots of those, don't be naive.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Sounds like you should be giving the advice instead of asking the questions. Best of luck.

 

[Goksjrr]

Sounds like you should be giving the advice instead of asking the questions. Best of luck.

Asking opinions, having a conversation. Art of conversation is to not get emotional when you hear an opposing opinion. I apologize if I sounded too harsh, did not mean to.

Though I still haven't gotten an answer to my question regarding telling her what YOU think instead of immediately nexting and burying her. I still don't get why telling her what you think about her actions and therefore setting the rules is chasing or being desperate? Making assumptions, when there's not set rules seems very stubborn. Maybe she's gotten used to flaking because she has only dealt with AFCs and think it's not so bad? Once you've set your rules you can expect her to follow them. If not, then next. Can you tell me why this way of thinking would be wrong? I'm open and willing to change my thinking on this matter, hopefully you can also look to the other side of the coin here.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Let me get this straight. You think you need to tell a person why flaking is rude or bad? They really don't know cancelling plans on someone is not a wonderful awesome thing??? You don't think they learned not to cancel plans with their platonic girlfriends during childhood and teens?

You are entering into a place of self-delusion. This is quite common, and I don't mean it as an insult. We've all been there. There is something you want to believe to be true so you start making up reasons as to why it is. Here are yours:
1. I'm not chasing, I'm caring
2. She doesn't know cancelling plans on someone repeatedly is wrong
3. She's only 18
4. A man should fight for his woman

I would love to hear of all your stories where a guy didn't give up so easily and ended up getting the girl and living happily ever after. Also, there is a difference between giving up easily and playing the game.

I think what your going to find is the guys are going to say it works best if shes pursuing you. That when we have to game a female hard that the juice isnt worth the squeeze and its too much work to keep them online.

 

[Glassguy]

Though I still haven't gotten an answer to my question regarding telling her what YOU think instead of immediately nexting and burying her

Here is your answer-

You feel that you have to tell her why flaking is bad because you are not totally outcome indifferent. In one post you say that you dont care about her, you just want sex. Later on you say you care about her but you're not chasing.

If you were truly outcome indifferent and had other plates, you would give 2 shytes about some chick who is only good for sex at this point anyways.

You got solid advice. Several guys said to not respond back to her last text. When a woman acts disrespectful, you apply Silence and Distance. It is up to her to reach out. If you do, you are NOW CHASING which you say you dont want to do.

If you reach out, you are essentially telling her that being disrespectful is ok....you'll be here when she decides she wants to see you again. That is a poor mindset.

Please do not take the mentality that you didnt receive good advice just because you didnt receive the advice you were looking for.

If you feel the need to have to "tell" a woman that she is being disrepectful, simply walk away and utilize the powerful Silence and Distance. If you never hear from her again, who gives a fvck. She is low quality anyways.

 

[Goksjrr]

Here is your answer-

You feel that you have to tell her why flaking is bad because you are not totally outcome indifferent. In one post you say that you dont care about her, you just want sex. Later on you say you care about her but you're not chasing.

I feel like I should tell her the reason why I won't be contacting her again. Yes, I said that I don't care about her, because I do not - I only want sex. I did not say I care about her, but your responses gave me a thought that why couldn't you set the rules before making the decision whether to keep her or not. And I mean generally. So yeah maybe I care about her in that way that she is a good lay, so why next her so easy, before, again, setting the rules.

If you were truly outcome indifferent and had other plates, you would give 2 shytes about some chick who is only good for sex at this point anyways.

I think giving 2 shytes works both ways. Should I give 2 shytes now that she flaked on me, if I didn't even tell her that it doesn't fly with me? OR, should I now tell her and the next time she does that just get rid of her? I have no problem doing that since I don't care IF she keeps doing it while she KNOWS that I don't condone it.

You got solid advice. Several guys said to not respond back to her last text. When a woman acts disrespectful, you apply Silence and Distance. It is up to her to reach out. If you do, you are NOW CHASING which you say you dont want to do. Please do not take the mentality that you didnt receive good advice just because you didnt receive the advice you was looking for.

Yes, and I truly appreciate it. That's the reason I come back here when I have a problem that needs to be solved. I just wanted to present a different look to the matter and have a conversation about it. I believe that challenging an opinion forces you to assess your way of thinking and thus brings a more productive conversation. It is also good for the reader who may read this to see the two opposing opinions when they're chewed thoroughly.

If you reach out, you are essentially telling her that being disrespectful is ok....you'll be here when she decides she wants to see you again. That is a poor mindset.

So to go back, she said that apparently I don't even care about her. If I respond to her that I just won't meet girls who flake, does that really tell her that being disrespectful is ok? To me it's just giving a one last chance since rules hasn't been set, and if she won't follow them, I'll just get rid of her.

 

[Glassguy]

So to go back, she said that apparently I don't even care about her.

Who cares what she said. Just because she says something why do you feel obligated to give her an answer? She apparently didnt feel the same obligation when she agreed to come over and then decided she didnt want to.

If I respond to her that I just won't meet girls who flake

This is where lies your problem.

Why do you want to tell her when its much easier to show her through silence and distance? (and much more impactful btw. A high value man wouldnt waste his valuable time explaining such nonsense to a flake).

To me it's just giving a one last chance since rules hasn't been set

Is this girl retarded? Does she get a free check in the mail every month for a learning disorder or mentally retarded IQ?

If not then she already realized that she was disrespectful. You dont need to spell it out for her as that would be a very beta move and show that you not only care, but how she acted left you butthurt.

No response to this is the best response.

 

[Goksjrr]

Who cares what she said. Just because she says something why do you feel obligated to give her an answer? She apparently didnt feel the same obligation when she agreed to come over and then decided she didnt want to.

Not to care what she said, and actually it's better that she said something, because now it would be easier to tell her that flake=out by responding to that. Not obligated, but a chance to set the rules. Her reasoning was that she had a dance lesson that ended at 6pm and school starts at 8am so it would've been too late for meeting. Although to me it's not good enough because I cleared my schedule for that night for her.

Why do you want to tell her when its much easier to show her through silence and distance? (and much more impactful btw. A high value man wouldnt waste his valuable time explaining such nonsense to a flake).

Because wouldn't it be better to just say something along the lines of "Not cool to flake, contact me if you'll be down to meet but otherwise don't." - And then go silence and focus on other plates, keep her on the side and just let her do the initiation if she wants. It takes just as little time and effort to write that simple text and leave it there than anything else.

If not then she already realized that she was disrespectful. You dont need to spell it out for her as that would be a very beta move and show that you not only care, but how she acted left you butthurt.

She could very well reason it to herself by thinking that because she was so tired and needs some rest, that she can cancel it.

 

[Glassguy]

I already explained everything that you just quoted. You just keep saying the same things on here.

Why dont you do what you want and tell her all about how butthurt you are over her flaking. Dig yourself a deeper grave. Show that beta mentality for all its worth. Thats what you really want to do now isnt it?

Tell her that you have such high standards and then keep seeing her. That really makes sense.

I will use action over words with my plates. I know the results that I get. Action is Silence and Distance because I HAVE OTHER OPTIONS. I dont have to put up with this type of shyte. Not that it never happens to me, I just dont care because I have 2-3 more to switch attention to without blinking an eye.

Good luck.

 

[SoSuave666]

It's very clear what you want to do and no advice is going to change your mind. So my new advice is: go ahead and set all the boundaries you want and talk with her very intimately about how she has hurt you by flaking and that you want to see her and love her all the time.

Let us know how it works for ya

 

[Goksjrr]

Good luck.

Thanks for answering!

I find it amusing that you guys would interpret setting boundaries to be beta and being butthurt. A 18 yr old FVCK BUDDY flaking does not get me butthurt whatsoever. What gets me a little butthurt is you not seeing what I'm trying to say - just. simply. telling. her. the. reason. How on earth would that be so beta and butthurt...? I know it's cool and all, gangsta like deezedbrah said, and even the most effective for the most time, but simply going silence without telling her the reason leaves so much for assumption. I've used that technique and mindset from the time I learned it, many years ago, and WILL continue to do so, but just wanted some flesh around it since I've struggled to find the reason between the two approaches.

Tell her that you have such high standards and then keep seeing her. That really makes sense.

Wow, clearly you didn't understand a word I was saying. I would NOT keep seeing her after I know she knows my stand and flake again.

Let us know how it works for ya

Just a thought which needed some explanation. I'll probably just follow your advice since you are way more experienced in this field than I am. Still learning.

Thanks!

 

[guru1000]

Thanks for answering!
I find it amusing that you guys would interpret setting boundaries to be beta and being butthurt. A 18 yr old FVCK BUDDY flaking does not get me butthurt whatsoever.

Boundaries are to apprise. Here ... It's a question of (1) awareness; and (2) desire.

Is she aware that flaking is not considerate behavior? YES. Accordingly, you don't need to make her aware of what she already knows.

She flakes on you because she desires to. What you are attempting to do is verbally negotiate that desire. You can't.

You best response is Silence and Distance, allowing room for her desire to expand. And IF her desire does not expand in that space, then so be it too. Either way you have removed your time and attention from one whom does not merit them.

 

[Goksjrr]

It's a question of (1) awareness; and (2) desire.

Is she aware that flaking is not considerate behavior? YES. Accordingly, you don't need to make her aware of what she already knows.

She flakes on you because she desires to. What you are attempting to do is verbally negotiate that desire. You can't.

You best response is Silence and Distance, allowing room for her desire to expand. And IF her desire does not expand in that space, then so be it too. Either way you have removed your time and attention from one whom does not merit them.

And you would do that also in a situation where they are just fvck buddies and the guy doesn't care about her desires as long as she accepts to meet him and have some good sechs? As long as the guy is in control of the situation and gets what he wants, would it be better to just not give a fvck what she or some DJ bible thinks as long as the situation doesn't bother the guy and he doesn't have to waste any time (of course if she flakes from a set meeting, then it's wasting time.)? This is not disrespecting the DJ mindset, since I do agree with it and use it, but when it comes to just casual fvck buddy, isn't it a little over the top to next her immediately, IF it doesn't bother yet? Putting her in the back of the list for sure, but to not reach her out anymore?

 

[guru1000]

And you would do that also in a situation where they are just fvck buddies and the guy doesn't care about her desires as long as she accepts to meet him and have some good sechs?

I care about my desires. And my desire is:

Respect and my Time > Pvzzy

Should she cross that desire, she loses me.

 

[SoSuave666]

Boundaries are to apprise. Here ... It's a question of (1) awareness; and (2) desire.

Is she aware that flaking is not considerate behavior? YES. Accordingly, you don't need to make her aware of what she already knows.

She flakes on you because she desires to. What you are attempting to do is verbally negotiate that desire. You can't.

You best response is Silence and Distance, allowing room for her desire to expand. And IF her desire does not expand in that space, then so be it too. Either way you have removed your time and attention from one whom does not merit them.

I have bolded, italicized, and underlined the most important thing I don't think our friend OP is getting. She KNOWS she has done something rude and disrespectful. She does not need to be told. It's like a dog that gets in the trash, if you stand over him and shout at him IMMEDIATELY you will see he becomes submissive and lays on the ground cowering - because he KNEW what he was doing was wrong. Alternatively, If after ten minutes though you go up to him and shout at him and use words telling him he was bad for getting in the trash he will look at you confused like, wtf are you yelling at me for?

In OPs case, instead of yelling at her like a dog instantly because she got in the trash (flaked), you just disappear. It works the same way...she knows what she did and if you disappear she will know why. However if you retroactively go back and try and talk with her and tell her "you flaked on me! That was bad!" she will look all confused and be like wtf this dude cares way too much about me

 

[Goksjrr]

Ultimately this goes to the conclusion; would you still be willing to give her a second chance or should you just walk away. Maybe the 2 strike rule is what needs to be followed.

I'll let her initiate while spinning other plates. Thank you guys! Sosuave never disappoints.

 

[RangerMIke]

If she is 18 and attractive then she is going to have a lot of options. You are just one dude that is hitting her up. You have to be okay with this and be happy that you are getting what you want, just go see other chicks and try not to think about any one chick.

Chicks flake on me ALL THE TIME. It doesn't matter how good you are or what you do. Emotions almost completely control most women... they know this, but they do not understand this. Everything could be going really well... then she gets a text from her mom telling her her cat... that she hasn't seen in 5 years, died.... then she's a mess. She's not going to tell you she can't make it because a cat... that she really didn't care enough about to see in half a decade died, because that is just crazy-stupid. We get lot's a crazy-stupid reasons chicks will cancel dates and flake, and the truth is many are true!

Okay... this all sucks... as men we like to have objective reasons for our actions. Chicks are not constrained by objective fact... subjective feelings are just as relevant to them. This sucks... but the GOOD news in all this is that just as fast as she is turned off, she will get turned on again. If a chick LIKES YOU, she will come back around as long as you don't lose your frame... and start calling her out on her behavior. Let chicks be chicks, and you keep being a man.

There is really nothing you can do to eliminate this completely... HOWEVER, you can do things that minimize this might happen by engaging her emotions more effectively.... you have to be the emotional stimulation that over-rides any other emotional winds that are pushing her around. The BEST way to do this is to NOT be boring. Boring kills emotional stimulation... it is better that a chick is mad at you than if she doesn't care about you. Don't be afraid of asking for what you want, or doing what you want to do. She might HATE what you have planned, but at least it is not dull.
You have been dating this chick and fvcking her... you think things are going great... you think what you have been doing is working so you want to keep doing what is working... this is male rational thinking. But what is really happening is that you are becoming predictable and dull. Shake things up... give her something to talk about with her friends. Never find yourself in a situation where you are trying to figure out what to do to make her happy... happy and predictable is boring... which is the death of attraction.

 

[Goksjrr]

If she is 18 and attractive then she is going to have a lot of options. You are just one dude that is hitting her up. You have to be okay with this and be happy that you are getting what you want, just go see other chicks and try not to think about any one chick.

So how do you deal with those kind of girls, who flake occasionally, but most of the time agree to meet? You said you go see other chicks, but do you get back to them, or just leave them? If they don't get back around(initiate), obviously they don't like you THAT MUCH, but since they are however willing to meet you when you initiate it, I guess they'd still be enough for a casual fvck buddy, no?

 

[backseatjuan]

Get back to them!