Looking for Advice

[BetaNoMore]

I've been married for 12 years. My wife got pregnant three months after our wedding and I couldn’t bring myself to abandon my unborn child. Why would I even consider that? Because during our first several years my PTSD wife from an alcoholic and rageaholic divorced mother disrespected everything I asserted using primarily passive aggressive techniques with a sprinkling of aggressiveness as well. When I made a request, she would either freeze like a deer in headlights or agree to it and then conveniently forget. If I tried to hold her accountable to her commitments, she would attack me in defensiveness.
She was completely unaccountable and unreliable. It was so confusing and disorienting to me. We clashed constantly. Eventually I told myself that I would give it time and “work to make things better” and tried to avoid issues that would provoke clashing, which was any desire or request originating from me. I LET HER BULLY ME. Sick, isn’t it? I now understand that I went Beta.
We ended up having 3 kids and continued basically the same relationships. A few years ago, I rebelled. I told her I couldn’t do this anymore, that it was sick. Instead of becoming accountable, my wife went on the offensive and accused me of being controlling and manipulative. She has this sick narrative of emotional abuse I’ve put her through, how she was never enough for me, etc. I don’t know what to do. I am seriously contemplating leaving my family even though my youngest is only 5 years old.
What I’d really like to do, however, is learn how to conquer such a dominating woman. I want to learn how to dominate a dominator. I figure I can use these life skills throughout my life and at least it will give me a productive reason to be in the marriage while my children get a little older. If I had the right guidance, it could be fun as well. Anyone out there able to help me?

 

[Spaz]

Talking or negotiating would be hard once u hv lost frame and she has gotten used 2 disrespect you.

It's a life narrative that's hard 2 turn back.

In ur situation, if it was me, extreme circumstances requires an extreme response.

Any display of extreme disrespect by the wife will be met with an extreme display of punishment.

Steps I would take.

1. Physically turn her over my lap and give her a good spanking until she cries and apologises.

2. If said disrespect continues, move out of the house until she apologises.

3. If said disrespect continues despite step 1 and 2, it's time to leave permanently.

Side note: There could be situations where the wife wants some spanking, and her being disrespectful is her way of getting attention. Use ur instincts here.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

What I’d really like to do, however, is learn how to conquer such a dominating woman. I want to learn how to dominate a dominator. I figure I can use these life skills throughout my life and at least it will give me a productive reason to be in the marriage while my children get a little older. If I had the right guidance, it could be fun as well. Anyone out there able to help me?

Beta mate, my tank is on empty.

Time is money. I have zero interest at playing these games. If she's not feminine, I am not interested. Its a zero sum game.

In 2018, she can't cook or clean. She's loose. High kill count. Useless, is a feminist,practices sjw jargon, and has had an abundance of STDs and abortions.

Flip the script.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Beta mate, my tank is on empty.

Time is money. I have zero interest at playing these games. If she's not feminine, I am not interested. Its a zero sum game.

In 2018, she can't cook or clean. She's loose. High kill count. Useless, is a feminist,practices sjw jargon, and has had an abundance of STDs and abortions.

Flip the script.

Omfg. On point.

 

[R.U.G.]

OP, you are screwed. You are in a catch-22 situation. Basically, you're fvcked either way you go. The worst part, she knows it. So it wasn't working after the 1st kid, so you thought 2 more would fix things? If you leave her, you will lose some time with your kids, more than have your income and prob. more than half your assets. Plus, you will lose your house, but have the privilege of continuing to make payments on it.

You need to work on yourself before anything else. Learn the word, NO. She starts ramping and raging, keep your cool and just walk away and say NO. Then say, when you act your age, we can discuss like adults. Due to the losses in assets, emotional costs for losing kids, legal costs, two home costs. It's best to wait until they are all at legal age and then file for divorce. If your youngest kid is 5, you have around 13 years. As always, you can see a divorce lawyer, but that is your call. Any talking you do with a divorce lawyer should be done on a pre-paid throwaway phone. Never give your address and separate e-mail.

There is nothing alpha when losing 70% of your income and net worth. You'll need to suck it up and deal with it. Starting from scratch at 47 is hard, so this may be the best bet. If you only had one child, I'd tell you to divorce, but 3. I believe that is around 39% of your GROSS INCOME goes to your wife for child support + alimony and 50%+ of your combined assets. Divorce is not worth it. You'd be living in a hole in the wall apt., and she can even then challenge the court for full custody due to the fact you cannot give them a safe home to live in.

 

[BetaNoMore]

Wow. thanks everyone. R.U.G. I think you're right on. The most interesting perspective I've gotten so far is: Don't react. Her game is to get you to react. Its her inner child (her emotions) exerting it's anger, power, and desire for control. My work is to not allow her child to "invite" my child to come out to "play" with her in this way because when she provokes me in this way, my child comes out angry, defensive, and get's off balanced, i.e. she's controlling the frame. Instead, I need to make her child face my adult self. If I act the parent/adult, she'll see it doesn't work to bring me down. She'll see that she can no longer pull me down to her child's level, that it no longer works, and that her attempts will only force her to face my adult self instead. Eventually, if she does desire to communicate with me, she'll have to bring herself up to an adult level instead.

Thoughts?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Omfg. On point.

So all these bab

Wow. thanks everyone. R.U.G. I think you're right on. The most interesting perspective I've gotten so far is: Don't react. Her game is to get you to react. Its her inner child (her emotions) exerting it's anger, power, and desire for control. My work is to not allow her child to "invite" my child to come out to "play" with her in this way because when she provokes me in this way, my child comes out angry, defensive, and get's off balanced, i.e. she's controlling the frame. Instead, I need to make her child face my adult self. If I act the parent/adult, she'll see it doesn't work to bring me down. She'll see that she can no longer pull me down to her child's level, that it no longer works, and that her attempts will only force her to face my adult self instead. Eventually, if she does desire to communicate with me, she'll have to bring herself up to an adult level instead.

Thoughts?

They beat us by cheating us. They beat us by stressing us out. They beat us by angering us.

 

[highSpeed]

So all these bab

They beat us by cheating us. They beat us by stressing us out. They beat us by angering us.

How true that is. Look, OP doesn't have much to work with. When someone knows they got you, getting them to work with you when it's of little or no benefit to them, nearly impossible. You don't want to beat someone down more when they come here looking for advice but there is honestly not much to be done. I suppose, I suppose, it's possible that if OP could make himself into a highly successful and important individual, he might have a shot at turning this around. If everyone else was clamoring to be around him, if he was successful and others wanted in on that, she might recognize his value and do the same. Nearly impossible though, to turn around this years long pattern of disrespect. It's simply her goto response with him, that's tough to change after that long.

The spanking thing? Sounds like someone's been reading too much erotic novels. You know if OP actually takes your advice (God, I hope he's not stupid enough to), he's going to jail right? That crap might have worked a generation or two ago but now? Nope, cops called, charges filed, PFA filed and he's on the road to the hole in the wall apartment. He's dug the hole, now he needs to dig another hole back up and use that break to either move on or perhaps hopefully, for his sake, she realizes what she's got and becomes more of a wife than a child.

 

[HankHill]

Definitely talk to a lawyer and know your options. I say this as a divorced person. In my case I dodged the bigger bullet by a matter of a few months, had we been married a little longer I'd be on the hook for not just the child support but for alimony for the rest of my life.

 

[R.U.G.]

Listen, OP, as a man who went through this; albeit not kids and a short marriage; you cannot win. Just to undo my marriage was over 20k in legal fees; and that was uncontested. The best you can do is work on yourself and wait it out. Live your own life and let her come to you. She will, once she doesn't get your attention anymore, seek to start an argument to get that drama satisfaction that many women crave. You do not play that game. Stay in your masculine, do not raise your voice, do not entertain anything. She starts yelling, you walk away after saying, if you'd like to talk, calm down and find me. I'd be happy to discuss anything with you as adults. Never, and I mean never, slap or spank your wife. It's fun to spank during sex, but this is not the oppertune time for this. Sex, sadly, is what got you into this mess.

Unless you really want to struggle in life, you must wait it out 13 years (til your youngest hits 18) and then re-evaluate your options. It is certainly possible for her to come to you if you no longer play her games. If that happens, you then may want to consider counseling with your church/religious leader at your congregation. He may be able to help fix or at least provide some guidance in your marriage. This only works if she chases you for help in the marriage. If you chase her to fix the marriage, it will not work. #WomanLogic (they have none in terms of relationships)

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

I agree with @R.U.G. here but wanted to add a couple of thoughts.

She doesn't respect you. Think about how/why that has come to be. You must redouble your efforts to lead your marriage & your family. Meaning you must behave in a way that demonstrates self-respect. She will rail against your new outlook at first and you must not react. Handle her rationally as noted above. That alone will help rebuild respect.

Be a good father & love on your children. You are the man in their lives & it is important that they see you in a masculine leadership role.

There is a book that you may find worthwhile to read. It is called "Passionate Marriage". It is by a clinical psychologist David Schnarch (not sure I spelled that correctly)...Google it. I read it years ago when my marriage was foundering and I'm reading it once again now.

The major premise of the book is that marriage itself places people in a close proximity that challenges the boundaries and self evolvement of both people in the marriage. That marriage requires each person to grow and evolve individually and that this is an inherently challenging endeavor even in good unions. I found the book tremendously insightful when I originally read it and again now. I gave a copy to my boyfriend as well. It discusses in detail how the power struggles between spouses play out in the bedroom and it offers solutions to the enmeshment that often occurs in marriage. Get the book & read it.

You have to focus first on yourself & your own self respect. In doing that you can begin to regain your personal power & have the potential to right the ship.

You are invested. See what you can do to lead your marriage out of the mess it is in.

 

[Magotrox]

The problem I see is that the "type" of relationship you want must be defined in the beginning. Once people lose respect for you, it's almost impossible to recover it. There are women out there that will respect no man, and, in this situation, the only solution is to leave. The relationship is, in the end, a relationship of power. No one wants less power, but more. This is why is very difficult to change the relationship 'type' after the beginning, specially for the one who is dominating. But dominate is the normal pattern for a man. To dominate, the first thing you must learn is to NEVER accept disrespect from no one. Set the rules for yourself, and set the rules you want for people. Never negotiate your self respect. If things do go wrong, just leave. Do not discuss or fight. Be always calm. Your way, or the highway. Be slow to think about the consequences of everything (do it previously), but quick to act. Set new rules and communicate with calm. Change you patterns, Have time to meditate, to take care for yourself (a gym, running, take action!). You are the captain of you life, so think YOURSELF about what you really want, and what will be best for you. Analyze all the consequences with calm. Them, take action. You'll be fine. You're not the first and will not be the last with this kind of problem. Just take experience and information, think the best for you, and go for it.