Taking too long to fall for a girl?

[CharlieCW]

Hey guys,

After reading again a bit of attraction related things (just read a book of Mark Manson), I've remembered that usually the reasons that men fall into the "Friend Zone" is because they're either too needy or too scared to make a move on the girl, so it's best to be honest and go straight to the point from early on. However, my case is a bit different.

You see, while we know that most men know if they're attracted to a woman within minutes or hours of meeting her, I usually can take weeks or even months to even start developing attraction for a woman. Indeed, by this point in life, looks really don't impress me, so I'm mostly attracted by the personality, interests, and status of a girl. While this may seem great (I don't need to pursue a girl by her looks), lately this has posed me a great disadvantage. Why? Because by the time I realize I'm attracted to a woman, she has already placed in the Friendzone, so it's kinda difficult to start flirting or showing some romantic interest towards her at this point.

Some friends have suggested me to just start flirting with all the women I meet so I've already created some attraction by the time I start "to feel it". However, this has lead to some awkward situations as it's difficult to flirt with a woman you simply are not attracted to yet.

Do you have any other ideas or suggestions? Thanks in advance.

 

[CharlieCW]

maybe youre gay

Trust me, last time I checked I was real straight lol

 

[greatsnake]

You can find a lot of chicks attractive, take them on dates and so on but it takes a certain woman to make that connection. That connection is hard to find

 

[CharlieCW]

You can find a lot of chicks attractive, take them on dates and so on but it takes a certain woman to make that connection. That connection is hard to find

Yeah I know what you're talking about, I used to think like that before.

However the deal here is that by this point in life (I'm in my mid 20's) I don't really find a girl attractive unless I've got to know her for quite a while (by attraction I mean that I want to actually want to date her to later see "if we connect" or not). In other words, while you may find a girl attractive just by looking at her and thinking she's hot (and later finding out after some dates if you want something more), I usually take several weeks to even start considering a girl as a potential candidate for a date, which usually happens when we're already close friends and thus now it's hard to make the move.

 

[marmel75]

No offense but this seems kind of ridiculous. You either want to fvck a woman or you don't.

 

[Billtx49]

which usually happens when we're already close friends

A date or two first, then sex, then friends if she qualifies. You’re putting yourself in the friend zone via your own inaction…

 

[CharlieCW]

No offense but this seems kind of ridiculous. You either want to fvck a woman or you don't.

Trust me, not all men want to have sex the first time they see a woman. Some of us require to build that connection before we're even interested. We're a minority so I see why it's hard to grasp, though

Date first, then sex, then friends. You’re putting yourself in the friend zone via your inaction…

Indeed, I'm aware my inaction is putting me in the friendzone. But I guess you're right, got your point. I'll just make the move from the start so in case there's a connection I'm already in the game, if not, well just friends and move on.

 

[Chamber36]

Increase your testosterone, try ginseng or horny goat weed. And his the gym, don't jerk off.

 

[greatsnake]

Yeah I know what you're talking about, I used to think like that before.

However the deal here is that by this point in life (I'm in my mid 20's) I don't really find a girl attractive unless I've got to know her for quite a while (by attraction I mean that I want to actually want to date her to later see "if we connect" or not). In other words, while you may find a girl attractive just by looking at her and thinking she's hot (and later finding out after some dates if you want something more), I usually take several weeks to even start considering a girl as a potential candidate for a date, which usually happens when we're already close friends and thus now it's hard to make the move.

Put yourself out there some more. Seems like you like taking things slow because of you’re own insecurities/self doubt.
Maybe you just haven’t found the girl that you really click with and that’s ok.

 

[marmel75]

Increase your testosterone, try ginseng or horny goat weed. And his the gym, don't jerk off.

Yeah I was thinking the same thing...OP get your T levels checked.

 

[Spaz]

Yeah I know what you're talking about, I used to think like that before.

However the deal here is that by this point in life (I'm in my mid 20's) I don't really find a girl attractive unless I've got to know her for quite a while (by attraction I mean that I want to actually want to date her to later see "if we connect" or not). In other words, while you may find a girl attractive just by looking at her and thinking she's hot (and later finding out after some dates if you want something more), I usually take several weeks to even start considering a girl as a potential candidate for a date, which usually happens when we're already close friends and thus now it's hard to make the move.

Men r biologically hardwired to be attracted to beautiful women - s€xy women offers the best potential for a future potential baby's survival.

1st thing on any man's mind is always s€x.

If that's not on your mind then something is biologically wrong inside you.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Let me ask you this: Does it honestly ALWAYS work this way for you? Or have there been one or two women who you were instantly (or much more instantly than normal) attracted to, and the rest of them take some time?
Example, you see 100 women. Out of the 100, you find 10 worthy of a second look. Out of the 10, there is 1 who you'd sleep with on the first or second date, and the other 9 you'd need to date for a month or two before making up your mind about whether or not you are attracted to them?

 

[CharlieCW]

Put yourself out there some more. Seems like you like taking things slow because of you’re own insecurities/self doubt.
Maybe you just haven’t found the girl that you really click with and that’s ok.

I guess that maybe I should just make a move from the beginning, so in case I actually develop feelings I'm not already in the losing ground...

Let me ask you this: Does it honestly ALWAYS work this way for you? Or have there been one or two women who you were instantly (or much more instantly than normal) attracted to, and the rest of them take some time?
Example, you see 100 women. Out of the 100, you find 10 worthy of a second look. Out of the 10, there is 1 who you'd sleep with on the first or second date, and the other 9 you'd need to date for a month or two before making up your mind about whether or not you are attracted to them?

As far as I've been seriously dating, I could say always. To retake your example, if I see 100 girls, just by looks let's say I will find 10 of them worthy of a second look. If I manage to get a glimpse of their personality or interests (ex. at a party) maybe I could narrow it to 6-7 girls. From there, honestly I couldn't choose just one with whom I surely want a romantic relationship without getting to know her better.

In some rare ocassions, I may even develop attraction for one of the other 90 girls I initially "rejected" as dating material. To put into perspective, the two girls for whom I may have had the strongest attraction of all actually began as girls whom I didn't even had the remote interest or actually considered "ugly" at the beginning (and no, they didn't change physically, but I got hooked up in their personalities and intelligence).

 

[Soflobro#2]

Do you like pvssy? Do you even like women? I don't fall easy but one of the best ways to get a woman hooked on you is being emotionally open in a secure masculine manner.

What do you think your problem is?

 

[oldmanofthesea]

You could be on the asexual spectrum. Have you looked into that?

 

[CharlieCW]

Do you like pvssy? Do you even like women? I don't fall easy but one of the best ways to get a woman hooked on you is being emotionally open in a secure masculine manner.

What do you think your problem is?

I do like women, I do feel attraction only for women. So yeah, in that sense I'm sure about my sexuality, and I get the thing about being emotionally open in a masculine manner, without being a needy guy (being needy is perhaps the number one turn-off in women).

However, my problem was that, while it's true I can discard which women I'm surely not interested at first glance, I usually need to get to know a women for some time before I actually start developing some interest in dating her. Unfortunately, the attraction almost always kicks in when I'm already her friend (aka I'm already friendzoned), so it's usually hard or awkward to make a move by this point (I've tried but usually it fails). However, as one of the commenters mentioned, maybe I should just naturally flirt with every women so that, by the time I start having feelings for her, she's already into me.

You could be on the asexual spectrum. Have you looked into that?

Yeah I've looked into it and I may possibly fall into some gray area (I think demisexual is closer). However, I may not classify me completely asexual because I do experience sexual attraction for women, but it usually kicks in after a while of knowing her (for example, I experience zero attraction when looking at a TV model while my buddies would just get horny. However, I can tell if she's pretty or not just from looks alone).

 

[oldmanofthesea]

Yeah I've looked into it and I may possibly fall into some gray area (I think demisexual is closer). However, I may not classify me completely asexual because I do experience sexual attraction for women, but it usually kicks in after a while of knowing her (for example, I experience zero attraction when looking at a TV model while my buddies would just get horny. However, I can tell if she's pretty or not just from looks alone).

Many people feel sexuality is a scale. Most people fall somewhere along the line, not only at the very ends of it.

My guess is that you either are the way you are and need to work within that, or you have some hangups and you can get over those.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions. As an experiment to see if you have some hangups that you can get past, you might consider getting pretty tipsy while on a second or third date with a girl you have been flirting with. If you feel more turned on by her and much closer to wanting to have sex with her, then this could mean you have some hangups and talking with a counselor about it could help you get past them. If you don't, then you have to figure out how to work within what you have.

If the latter ends up being the case, I'm not sure that just flirting with every girl is going to work because unless you think you can decide on sexual attraction by the third or fourth date, the girls may catch on to your flirting being fake, or they may lose interest after you don't make an actual move to have sex by a certain point.

I can think of a couple suggestions:
1. You said looks don't impress you so if you focus on women who's strengths are not in the looks department, they may be more open to dating you after you explain your situation to them (I'd say on the second or third date). I would just explain that you are interested in them but it takes you longer than normal to get that "connection". Of course, plenty of women aren't going to go for this but at least you put it on the table and get it out there. If she has high interest in you, she may be willing to wait. If not, at least you know and you don't have to waste any more of your time with her.
2. You could try to friend-zone the women before they friend-zone you. I've done this before with women who have a high interest level in me, but who I am not yet sure I'm interested in. If they have a strong attraction to you and you friend-zone them, their interest level will often increase further because they want what they can't have. When doing this, I don't play games with them - I treat them as true friends. I spend time with them, help them with things, talk to them about things, and I expect all the same things in return from them or I don't continue the friendship. After some time has passed, I can decide if I'm interested in them sexually and if so, I start testing by slowly escalating the breaking down of physical barriers and watching the response. If she's into it, then it leads to a sexual relationship. If not, then you just stay friends. Both are great outcomes.
3. Avoid online dating. That's a bad platform for most people but especially bad for someone in yours.

 

[Murk]

Maybe you're transgender or gender queer

Chop it off and see

 

[RichardTheFrog]

Yeah I was thinking the same thing...OP get your T levels checked.

That's your answer to everything.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Increase your testosterone, try ginseng or horny goat weed. And his the gym, don't jerk off.

Yes