The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Carpathian]

I Broke up with gf/plate today. We are exclusive for 4 months, broke up and then a lot of drama the next 3 months. I'm in love with her but I wanted something more serious than she did so I had to end things because I cared more for her than she did for me and it's not a good situation to be in. This is the first girl that I actually wanted to have kids with (I'm 34-she is 28) so it's a bit depressing that I have to walk away.

I'm a bit at peace though, this girl caused me a lot of stress and as depressing as it is to end things with someone I'm in love with I'm not going to have to deal with the anxiety of not knowing where things are going. I mean if she's not sold on me then there's another guy or she just don't value me the way she should. Either is a losing proposition.

I do not acknowledge everything he says, but Corey Wayne is right when he says that as soon as a guy starts to get more serious than the girl, it's a slippery slope downwards. You should just enjoy the relationship, enjoy your time being with her - that alone will be enough and communicate to her your level of interest. Let her be the one to apply the relationship labels and start the kids discussion. If she is not doing that then she is not ready for that at this stage and you bringing it up will scare her off.

 

[Roober]

I do not acknowledge everything he says, but Corey Wayne is right when he says that as soon as a guy starts to get more serious than the girl, it's a slippery slope downwards. You should just enjoy the relationship, enjoy your time being with her - that alone will be enough and communicate to her your level of interest. Let her be the one to apply the relationship labels and start the kids discussion. If she is not doing that then she is not ready for that at this stage and you bringing it up will scare her off.

Agreed! Even if you are totally into her, you have to contain it and keep it in. If women feel that way, they will openly share. Play it off or reply with something lesser than what she said. My girl now brings up kids, moving in, and getting married periodically and I either ignore or say something like... "maybe one day..." with a grin. I have slipped a couple times because I do care about her, but then I need to course correct later...

 

[Carpathian]

Good job man. I think most people can agree when deciphering all their breakups of the past that the biggest regret isn't always the breakup itself but how we handled the breakup. Good job keeping your self respect. She will be back at some point.

^^^^This.
She will be back as long as you were never a dikk to her. But by the stage she comes to realize what she threw away - a few years later maybe - you will have moved on and be happy and not give a damn about her. I've had exe's reach out after three years, I was always a good BF to them. They know who are good guys and bad ones, rest assured, and it takes time for some of them to realize this. But you really need to try and develop a "it's her loss" mindset and be proud of who you are. Just be the best version of you and it will all come good with a woman deserving of you.

 

[Mazer]

Been out of contact with my oneitis for 2 months now. We talked and went out for four months, everything seemed perfect and then she ghosted me. Found out she is back on the dating sites as I was swiping the other day. I have been down and out today due to having a cold and many of those depressing feelings have come back. I am spinning three plates at the moment but they aren't anywhere near as good looking as she was. I am in better shape today than I was the first week. I was a mess the first two weeks. it does get better but you still have bad days. I am sure once I find a new girl that I click with, she will be completely forgotten. NC works, it does get better, trust me!

 

[exhausted]

30 days no contact from a 3.5 ltr.

Angry about the ridiculous bpd abuse, tho still feel connected to her, sadly. Makes it rough. Been a rough week of remembering good times. Do not miss the mood disorder as it was like having a split personality gf.
Just never knew what would set her off.

Then she blamed everything on me. She would yell and scream and rage , i didnt, not once, like walking on eggshells couldnt talk about anything without being punished.

She will never have anyone and i dont say that spiteful but out of pity. No one will tolerate her bs.

 

[Carpathian]

30 days no contact from a 3.5 ltr.

Angry about the ridiculous bpd abuse, tho still feel connected to her, sadly. Makes it rough. Been a rough week of remembering good times. Do not miss the mood disorder as it was like having a split personality gf.
Just never knew what would set her off.

Then she blamed everything on me. She would yell and scream and rage , i didnt, not once, like walking on eggshells couldnt talk about anything without being punished.

She will never have anyone and i dont say that spiteful but out of pity. No one will tolerate her bs.

Never tolerate any woman talking to you like that. Ever. You nip that BS behavior in the bud the first time she talks to you like that and you tell her you will not tolerate it and your relationship will be history the very next time it happens. She will never love you and you will never have a fulfilling relationship with her if she doesn't respect you. You must set the ground rules of the relationship the first time that BS is spat at you. Guys fear doing this because they think they will get dumped. On the contrary, she will respect you for it and love you MORE, not less.

 

[exhausted]

Never tolerate any woman talking to you like that. Ever. You nip that BS behavior in the bud the first time she talks to you like that and you tell her you will not tolerate it and your relationship will be history the very next time it happens. She will never love you and you will never have a fulfilling relationship with her if she doesn't respect you. You must set the ground rules of the relationship the first time that BS is spat at you. Guys fear doing this because they think they will get dumped. On the contrary, she will respect you for it and love you MORE, not less.

Agreed..
she can't stand beta guys, yet when i stood up and ran the show or told her about this behavior she would be mad initially then always come back apologetically..

The problem is she has a mood disorder she cant control.. it's not even a respect thing anymore its a bpd bipolar disorder she wont treat so things never changed no matter what.

 

[RedScorpion]

Well, having a bit of a rough spot. I'm going to do a bit of a AFC vent here, rather than do something stupid like break NC. And I should be further along than I'm currently, in some ways I am, but yeah.

I believe I already know the problem. This girl in my opinion lovebombed me over a few short weeks. Constant praise, deep close stare a few times, specifically kept bringing up a couple things in my life to praise me (which was a red flag to me). Like out of nowhere bringing it up. I kept feeling something was off, but she was so into me, really fast, and of course great looking. I kind of think mirroring as well, because I felt that she was so similar to me. Seemed to get along great. Had just shared drinks and food. Then found out she had a boyfriend through some conversation... seemed like she was trying to hide that fact. I tried to backed off quietly, because I was confused on how 'into' me she was, while having a boyfriend. Like I can get girls flirting while with boyfriends, and I've had that before...but this was so... I don't know. Maybe forced. Like bringing up out of nowhere praises to me on **** that I'm interested in. I remember thinking "What does that got to do with anything?". I had got a feeling, that something wasn't right. Same feeling I had with a BPD girl years ago. I had that feeling a few times, but dismissed it until the bf info came up.

Anyway, unfortunately she picked up on me backing off. Tried to manage a normal conversation, but couldn't bring myself to flirt the same. And was irked inside, if I'm honest. Got too attached to her. I brought up some info about hanging out with this group with a couple girls (just checking out a place), which probably irked her in conjunction with my cooled responses. Then she mentioned how this other guy in that group was cool. I just blanked agreed with her. Then she kind of stormed off, and I got silent treatment the next day. Avoiding me. I left her alone, always tried to seem non-affected, just did my own thing. She came back the day after... thought it was fixed, then she became aloof again. So I backed off... she was sulking/silent treatment again... then warmed up and was very friendly again, making future promises... anyway, up and down until she ignored my one msg, snotty on the next. So after a bit of time, silently removed her.

I don't want to force a diagnosis, but this thread I'll link describes her very well - http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/the-most-toxic-damaging-type-of-woman-of-them-all.239396/ Her father left when she was very young, didn't seem close. Other personality traits fit as well. She seems to have many friends, very active, skills, ambition, etc. Totally absorbed in social media and herself. Would never know she had a bf, because she didn't post really any pics of them.

I feel like a total AFC with this chick. Pissed because I feel like I messed something up, part of me pushing that I should have separated my feelings and continued flirting back. Thinking I messed up on hooking up with her, or making out, or even simple friendship. I keep thinking I could have kept enjoying being with her, had I not backed off. Or even when I removed her from everywhere. The worst I think is doubting my gut. My gut was pinging to me multiple times that something is wrong, and to back away. But was it my gut, or just fear because she was so hot/attractive? I don't know. I liked her a lot, not just on the physical, but that connection... but seemed to be just f**ked up as soon as she mentioned having a bf. The worst is I felt my depression lift out because of the elation I had with her, like a relaxed happiness of sorts, enjoyed for a few moments - and then nope there's the hidden bf. Who seems to be possibly a very supplicating AFC bf in my impression (she posted some pic of him combing her hair).

Feel so f**king stupid... I really thought there might have been something. But it's f**ked and I feel like I f**ked it up. Regardless of her having a bf. It's extremely annoying. And I didn't even do anything with her! Super AFC reporting in. And of course have heard nothing from her. Expected and probably better that way - but frustrating. Like she didn't give a damn. Or she did and just piled it on with her bf or whoever she's milking for attention now. I knew this would happen, this is why I backed out... and it happened anyway.

I think it's hard because it's the first time I've felt so... connected. But I pulled myself out because of my feeling that something is wrong. And now... I don't know if I just chopped off my legs for no reason, or I did it to prevent gangrene from eating the rest of my body. Even though I should know... I'm blind to it for some reason.

-- Anyway, thanks for reading, if you did read my vent. I do know the solution... move on and find another girl (without a bf), that can do the same for sure. Will definitely keep to NC. Hopefully to practice what I preach, and move on from this chick.

 

[DreamAgain]

@RedScorpion , it was a good read, it's healthy to vent man in situations like these.

Just keep going strong, and be on the lookout for new women. Anytime you find your thoughts drifting about this one, remind yourself this: Why am I thinking about someone who absolutely doesn't care about me?

This is a tactic I'm employing in my own no contact, and it is helping.

 

[noBSgames]

Going to try and do this No contact now

 

[RedScorpion]

@RedScorpion , it was a good read, it's healthy to vent man in situations like these.

Just keep going strong, and be on the lookout for new women. Anytime you find your thoughts drifting about this one, remind yourself this: Why am I thinking about someone who absolutely doesn't care about me?

This is a tactic I'm employing in my own no contact, and it is helping.

Thanks man. Yeah, it's true. I have to remind myself of that. It's a bit tricky because the bad times, and the motives that lead me to back away from her - I slowly forget them. And left with the good times rolling in my head as a memory. Then I get doubts, desire that again... builds up, have to remind myself of the bad... etc. Bit of a cycle I have to break. I know it mostly comes from not really having another woman in my life. As soon as that happens - she'll fade away.

 

[aimanjohari]

Day 1 starts now.

Got dumped few hours ago. 2.5 years of relationship. Still not sure what to feel.

The memories starts creeping up on me.

 

[Brandonc662]

I went through a breakup about 9 months ago. It really blindsided me as things seemed to be going great. She was 10 years younger then me, beautiful, and moved to a house in my town to be with me. It only lasted 5 months but we spent the total amount of time together that some people do in years. She was someone who I could actually see a future with. There were a couple of issues but they were all very minor like her jealousy and insecurities.

Well, 9 months ago she said she needed a break. I told her I do not do breaks, that I'm always looking for someone to move forward with and I'm not interested in being with someone who wanted to take a step back. Even though it crushed me, I only said "you broke my heart," handed her her purse and coat, and told her she should probably go ahead and go home.

I did want to be with her but I was not going to beg, cry, and plead. It would have to be on my terms and her idea. I knew from past experience that no-contact was the way to go. I hadn't been in a situation where I needed no-contact, in a very long time, so I read up on it as a refresher.

I read several articles about 21, 30, and 60 days. I decided on 35 days and broke NC to send her a text described good times and pointed out little traits that I liked about her that corresponded with those times. I did not receive a response. The only other times I broke it was 48 hours after the first message saying "Your silence came through deafening, I hope you find happiness in whatever you are looking for" and a couple of months later FB messenger sent her an invite, either on it's own or from my pocket. I only said "I did not send that. I apologize, love."

In the last 9 months I have thought of her about every day. The good news is it's decreasing substantially over time and I haven't even looked at her FB in over a month. I have lost weight. Put on a little muscle. Got a new hairstyle. A new job. I got costody of my kids. I get hit on by women constantly. Things are going very well for me now.

I try to date. Honestly, it's a lot less dating and just inviting girls over to watch a movie and then have sex. Still, these girls are fun to **** but I don't see a relationship with any of them. I know there are women out there that are better then my ex but every time I get to know someone I feel like I would be downgrading and will not do that. So it ends up being pump and dump. But from past experience, I know probably sooner and later someone will come along that will live up to my standards. So in the mean time I'm content with just ****ing and waiting on that.

I am also glad I broke no contact when I did. I don't think I did it too early and precieved as weak. I now also don't have any "what ifs" about if I would have reached out. I sometimes wonder if doing it sooner would have worked but I can dismiss that with "after 35 days you sent a message and she couldn't even be bothered to respond, what would two weeks in either direction really have changed"

So, I am free! I have some regrets about small things I did in the relationship but everyone will have those. People are not perfect and I made no huge mistakes. I can learn from them and not make them again though, so it's not in vain. I lay my head down at night with a clean conscience... and I have no regrets about my actions during or after the breakup.... I am free...

 

[RedScorpion]

Day 60 now. I think working through the feelings rather than suppressing it helped quite a bit. Fairly content to continue NC forever. Still some regret over the good times had, but that is life after all. Would be extremely surprised if I heard from her ever - she has a lot of pride, also tends to sulk, silent treatment. So... yep. I'm better without her in my life than with, so I'll go with that.

 

[gettinit]

@RedScorpion thanks for pointing me over here. Hang tough!

Day 1
Wow, I just went through a few posts aside from the first and there is a lot of shared pain here. I just got dumped out of a 3+ year LTR, knowing that I had been replaced and got the "we need a break while I make a life decision" text. Apparently I may have an easier time than many of you with NC. She isn't on any social media and neither am I. Seeing her with a click might be hard to resist at times.

I read the OP and it rang true with an earlier relationship. Weeks after a breakup, the texts began. They became more desperate and eventually one included "I think that I love you, please respond". Nope. That one also took a while to get out of my head, but know that any interaction would just have prolonged it. I'm hoping that by day 60 I'm free and clear of this. Time to put on sports radio. A certain song coming on can instantly bring on that adrenaline/anxiety/stomach churning feeling in a flash.

As far as NC in this one, she can message me all that she wants. I now have a completely different picture of her in my head. Sure, the good pictures are sure to take over here and there and will still hurt a lot, but I have seen the true colors. I had stated in my "About to be dumped post", she has conviction, but not on my level. This is why I am so picky with who I spend my time with. I'm a quality over quantity type of guy. She was quality. Now she is defective in my eyes and no longer worthy of being my girl. If things get mushy in my head, I will think about how my girl wronged me. Poof. On a more immature level in the area of sweet revenge, she has little chance of completely blocking me out of her head, no matter what her mindset is or becomes. There are two of her coworkers that she interacts with on a daily basis. One has the same first name as me, as for the other, my nickname was Boss...

 

[Dash Riprock]

I went through a breakup about 9 months ago. It really blindsided me as things seemed to be going great. She was 10 years younger then me, beautiful, and moved to a house in my town to be with me. It only lasted 5 months but we spent the total amount of time together that some people do in years. She was someone who I could actually see a future with. There were a couple of issues but they were all very minor like her jealousy and insecurities.

Well, 9 months ago she said she needed a break. I told her I do not do breaks, that I'm always looking for someone to move forward with and I'm not interested in being with someone who wanted to take a step back. Even though it crushed me, I only said "you broke my heart," handed her her purse and coat, and told her she should probably go ahead and go home.

I did want to be with her but I was not going to beg, cry, and plead. It would have to be on my terms and her idea. I knew from past experience that no-contact was the way to go. I hadn't been in a situation where I needed no-contact, in a very long time, so I read up on it as a refresher.

I read several articles about 21, 30, and 60 days. I decided on 35 days and broke NC to send her a text described good times and pointed out little traits that I liked about her that corresponded with those times. I did not receive a response. The only other times I broke it was 48 hours after the first message saying "Your silence came through deafening, I hope you find happiness in whatever you are looking for" and a couple of months later FB messenger sent her an invite, either on it's own or from my pocket. I only said "I did not send that. I apologize, love."

In the last 9 months I have thought of her about every day. The good news is it's decreasing substantially over time and I haven't even looked at her FB in over a month. I have lost weight. Put on a little muscle. Got a new hairstyle. A new job. I got costody of my kids. I get hit on by women constantly. Things are going very well for me now.

I try to date. Honestly, it's a lot less dating and just inviting girls over to watch a movie and then have sex. Still, these girls are fun to **** but I don't see a relationship with any of them. I know there are women out there that are better then my ex but every time I get to know someone I feel like I would be downgrading and will not do that. So it ends up being pump and dump. But from past experience, I know probably sooner and later someone will come along that will live up to my standards. So in the mean time I'm content with just ****ing and waiting on that.

I am also glad I broke no contact when I did. I don't think I did it too early and precieved as weak. I now also don't have any "what ifs" about if I would have reached out. I sometimes wonder if doing it sooner would have worked but I can dismiss that with "after 35 days you sent a message and she couldn't even be bothered to respond, what would two weeks in either direction really have changed"

So, I am free! I have some regrets about small things I did in the relationship but everyone will have those. People are not perfect and I made no huge mistakes. I can learn from them and not make them again though, so it's not in vain. I lay my head down at night with a clean conscience... and I have no regrets about my actions during or after the breakup.... I am free...

NEVER break NC. They dumped you, they need to reach out. Plain and simple. NO EXCEPTIONS.

 

[Dash Riprock]

Day 64 of pure NC. Realizing she was only a BPD woman-child. Like a 12-year old trapped in a 34-year old body. 100% serious.

 

[gettinit]

Day Two
Lots of emotions today with a intermittent floods of anxiety. I worked out hard last night and have to say that it seem to calm me for a few hours. I'm still trying to come to grips with what I am feeling. Is it loss? Is it regret? Is it ego due to the fact that I realize that I have been replaced? Is it fear that I won't find anything better? Is it just bottled up anger? I think that branch swinging may really be in a woman's DNA. This isn't my first Rodeo and I normally have a good, healthy impression of myself and can bounce back. I'm trying to figure out why this one has kicked me in the gut so hard and I feel like my confidence is at an all time low. Just before getting dumped and deleting it all, I scrolled through some recent texts and it hit home that she was not putting in what I was and in some cases, seemed to be replying just because she thought that she had to, even when she initiated contact. This is yet another warning sign for me to stash in my mind for the future. I hope that I can actually recover from this damage and actually relax in the company of a woman in the future.
I just realized how pathetic I sound. I'm also wondering if posting here is going to keep this in the forefront, instead of helping me to let go.

 

[resilient]

Day 1 starts now.

Got dumped few hours ago. 2.5 years of relationship. Still not sure what to feel.

The memories starts creeping up on me.

Sucks man.

Take care of yourself and self-improve like a ninja.

You'll feel better for your progress and will get to a point where you've had some distance to reflect on your life, where it's going and such. You'll laugh at how you committed so much energy to one woman who after 2.5 years of LTR decided to discard you.

Keep reading this forum and articles on this website and you'll improve with some introspection.

You want to get to the point to where your frame is in check and you decide when you're ready to walk away with proper screening rather than investing in a LTR and letting her decide when is the proper day and time to dump you.

Good luck.

 

[RedScorpion]

Day Two
Lots of emotions today with a intermittent floods of anxiety. I worked out hard last night and have to say that it seem to calm me for a few hours. I'm still trying to come to grips with what I am feeling. Is it loss? Is it regret? Is it ego due to the fact that I realize that I have been replaced? Is it fear that I won't find anything better? Is it just bottled up anger? I think that branch swinging may really be in a woman's DNA. This isn't my first Rodeo and I normally have a good, healthy impression of myself and can bounce back. I'm trying to figure out why this one has kicked me in the gut so hard and I feel like my confidence is at an all time low. Just before getting dumped and deleting it all, I scrolled through some recent texts and it hit home that she was not putting in what I was and in some cases, seemed to be replying just because she thought that she had to, even when she initiated contact. This is yet another warning sign for me to stash in my mind for the future. I hope that I can actually recover from this damage and actually relax in the company of a woman in the future.
I just realized how pathetic I sound. I'm also wondering if posting here is going to keep this in the forefront, instead of helping me to let go.

I think what you're feeling is normal. You're correct in some aspect that by posting here, it will keep it at the forefront in your mind. I think this is good at least in the beginning, as you do need to process and 'settle' for yourself what has happened. So you can eventually say to yourself "Alright, I've already thought about this, gone through what has happened, how I can improve myself - time to let go". Because I think that's one key aspect of going through it - what can I do for the future? How can I choose a better result for myself? And depending on what that is, it can be gut wrenching. I tried to suppress it, move on to other things (focus on hobbies, working out, hanging out with friends, etc.). Sill had to go through it. Ultimately though, focusing on the future and yourself will help you push past it.

There's also the loss part. You had something with another person, a connection. And that ****ty feeling of 'Ok, it's actually over' sucks ass for a myriad of reasons. Ego and regret is a hard one as well. Anger, fear of not finding another woman who is better... going through the same things. One thing I'm working on is preventing idealization of them after the fact. Reflecting only on the good, can prevent you from seeing the bad. Making further regret there. I think this is more evident later on in time as the bad seems to fade away.

At some point though, it is better to not ruminate on it (well, try not to ruminate at all). And to stop or reduce posting about it. Watch yourself in creating a habit of thinking about her, or the situation, or anything related. If you feel you have to give yourself a moment to think about it, go for it. Give yourself a set amount of time (doesn't matter, but say 15 or 30 min), and then cut it off. Just a general strategy.

I wouldn't feel bad about sounding pathetic either. Try not to shame yourself. It's definitely pretty easy to. There's dozens, if not hundreds of guys stories here - including my own. Some of them very successful too in the field of women. It's ultimately better to vent here about feelings, and possible desire to do something, than actually doing that something you find you didn't want to. Usually revolving around breaking NC.