Mother and sister are too clingy and controlling

[Epicwinguy]

We are all moving to Colorado soon, and I am planning to move out when we get there (finding rooms for rent. I don't make much.)

My sister has a kid. She was always a major party slut up until she was 26 or 27. Then she had this kid. My mom and step-dad are all about having the family together, and now mom wants to do everything together as a family.

You can all see how this would greatly interfere with my plan (get as high a notch count as possible, have my own hobbies, get fit, etc.) and current goals (drop another 10 pounds of fat, get my bench to 200, develop a big social circle, move up in my career and work on game.)

So how will I get them all to back the **** off with the "Lets do everything together as a family" bs?

 

[Roober]

Are you a grown man? Your going to have to ruffle some feathers to stand firmly on your own two feet.

Sounds like you are complaining about your family treating you kid and not doing enough to stop it

Complaining without offering a solution is called whining

 

[Epicwinguy]

Are you a grown man? Your going to have to ruffle some feathers to stand firmly on your own two feet.

Sounds like you are complaining about your family treating you kid and not doing enough to stop it

Complaining without offering a solution is called whining

I am moving out. I already have been paying them rent and for some of my own stuff. Refusing them offers of "family time" to go out and do my own thing. Not sure what other solutions there are, thats why I made this thread.

 

[AlphaNate]

If you'd done more than talk about moving out, you wouldn't have to ask this. Move out.

 

[Epicwinguy]

If you'd done more than talk about moving out, you wouldn't have to ask this. Move out.

If you're saying that once I move out none of this will be an issue, I really hope you're right.

 

[sazc]

I would move out and wait and see how clingy they try to become. You need to start your life at some pint, and that will include breaking away from being ensconced in your immediate family. At the very least, maybe you could promise them to make it a point to go to sunday dinner.

 

[Urbanyst]

People don't have any control over you other than what you give them.

We all have a right to live according to our own needs and wants. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to plan your life around what your family wants or expects from you. But if you do, don't cry because it was your decision.

If your mother and sister really love you, they will respect the decisions you make as an adult. If they can't respect your adult decisions then they don't respect you. If your family doesn't respect you, then they are probably not looking out for your best interest. So why would you look out for theirs?

Once you are grown, everything is a two way street. There is no "parent/child" relationship between two adults unless the adult child is too weak to grow up.

 

[Epicwinguy]

People don't have any control over you other than what you give them.

We all have a right to live according to our own needs and wants. There is nothing wrong with that. You don't have to plan your life around what your family wants or expects from you. But if you do, don't cry because it was your decision.

If your mother and sister really love you, they will respect the decisions you make as an adult. If they can't respect your adult decisions then they don't respect you. If your family doesn't respect you, then they are probably not looking out for your best interest. So why would you look out for theirs?

Once you are grown, everything is a two way street. There is no "parent/child" relationship between two adults unless the adult child is too weak to grow up.

You are right, man. They don't respect me, the won't, and the want me to sacrifice years of my life for my sister's kid.
They don't deserve what they expect of me.

 

[sazc]

There are some people (see my mother) who dont have the capacity to see life thru any other eyes than their own. You know what, that's totally okay for them to choose to do. I understand she lacks the capacity to see things from my point of view. This enables me not to play into the drama that ensues when she doesn't get her way. Sometimes I literally say to her "I am sorry you are so hurt. I've explained my reasons for my decision not to X,Y,Z (spend time with you), and clearly these are not personal"

and I leave it at that and treat the next moment with her as if everything was fine. YOU just move on. If they are going to get butt hurt that is on them. If they bring it up again, you revert back to the "I am sorry your feelings got hurt, my decision is not personal" line and leave it at that.

 

[Urbanyst]

There are some people (see my mother) who dont have the capacity to see life thru any other eyes than their own. You know what, that's totally okay for them to choose to do. I understand she lacks the capacity to see things from my point of view. This enables me not to play into the drama that ensues when she doesn't get her way. Sometimes I literally say to her "I am sorry you are so hurt. I've explained my reasons for my decision not to X,Y,Z (spend time with you), and clearly these are not personal"

and I leave it at that and treat the next moment with her as if everything was fine. YOU just move on. If they are going to get butt hurt that is on them. If they bring it up again, you revert back to the "I am sorry your feelings got hurt, my decision is not personal" line and leave it at that.

This guy has it figured out perfectly:

 

[Serenity]

Erm, just do your thing. They try dragging you along? Just decline and go do your thing. They act pissy about you not being there? Just ignore them and do your thing.

They have no actual control over you, they can say whatever and you can rightfully not obey. If they provide something that is of value to you they may withdraw it, but if not you're entirely free to do what you want.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

This guy has it figured out perfectly:

Mirroring, isn't that what this is called?