He has alot of psycho exes?

[stephaniefinley]

I started dating this guy. I have a bad history with dating. I just seem to always fall for the players and jerks..

I met this guy who Ive been seeing for over a month now and things seem to be going good. Hes a nice guy who actually seems like he's going to give me the love I know I deserve. I can be a bit superficial, but while he's not the "hottest" guy in my book, I love what he offers me. My goal is to settle down with a guy and that seems to be in his plans too. He seems like he genuinely cares about me. It's just...different from what I'm used to. Feels like a breath of fresh air in a way. He has a a young son, and I have a young son. Our kids already get along well.

One thing rung a bell though. I recently went looking through his facebook pictures (like Im sure many people do when they start dating somebody new) and I was just looking at pictures of him from over the years... Well I saw that he posted in May 2016 a picture of spray-paint on his car and he wrote "Here we have yet another psycho ex to add to my laundry list of them. God only knows why I attract them"


Should I take this as a red flag?

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Here are the red flags in this scenario:

I just seem to always fall for the players and jerks..

This is what you are typically attracted to; i.e. not what your rational mind tells you is good for you, but what you physically and emotionally long for in a man. Be under no false impression that it has changed, because it probably hasn't.

Hes a nice guy

So, the exact opposite of what you are attracted to, but what you 'think' you need.

he's going to give me the love I know I deserve

This doesn't sound like that love will be reciprocated.

I can be a bit superficial, but while he's not the "hottest" guy in my book, I love what he offers me.

Neither does this. You are focused on what he is going to give you, opposed to the life you will share together, the love you can equally give him. In fact, you're already picking holes in the situation. 'Loving' and being 'in love' are two very different things; cliche as it sounds.

My goal is to settle down with a guy and that seems to be in his plans too.

So, you both have plans to settle down with 'some'one. Whenever I read that I simply hear 'anyone'. You are both seeking personal fulfillment in a relationship, in a 'someone' (anyone) else.

He seems like he genuinely cares about me. It's just...different from what I'm used to.

Again, focusing on what he does for you. Yeah, he might be different. But the novelty will probably wear off. He's just the polar opposite to what you're used to (attracted to). And polar opposite is not necessarily what will be good for you in the long run.

Our kids already get along well.

Your kids are really beside the point at this stage. Again, you are using them as a rationalisation as to why you should stay with this man. Their relationship with each other, though maybe important in the long run, is not a reflection of your romantic relationship in the short nor long term.

Well I saw that he posted in May 2016

Not long ago. Shows you haven't known him for very long.

a picture of spray-paint on his car and he wrote "Here we have yet another psycho ex to add to my laundry list of them. God only knows why I attract them"

This is not something a man with self-respect does - posting this kind of sh!t on facebook. It's screaming for sympathetic attention and show's he is mentally and emotionally weak, he attracts strong-willed, psychologically unhinged women and doesn't know how to deal with them. He think he should just lie down like a doormat, like he has with you. Hasn't worked out for him to date apparently.

In summary, if you are attracted to bad boys, but like the way this guy treats you, wait to find a halfway house, a best of both worlds. It takes time. You obviously don't really know this guy yet. You need to date someone for AT LEAST six months to a year before you've seen them at best and worst. This guy makes you comfortable. Comfortable gets boring.

Be happy in yourself, keep your eye open for others who are content in themselves and when the time comes, go in to relationship to give rather than take; and not with someone you just think is a good fit logistically, but rather someone you want to be with.

 

[The Duke]

I'd just see how things develop. Keep your eyes open. There are a lot of crazy girls out there. Sometimes guys end up with crazy because all they wanted was something attractive and fun.

 

[ChangedMan]

Based on this post you have more red flags than he does

Agreed.

 

[Von]

Here are the red flags in this scenario:


This is what you are typically attracted to; i.e. not what your rational mind tells you is good for you, but what you physically and emotionally long for in a man. Be under no false impression that it has changed, because it probably hasn't.


So, the exact opposite of what you are attracted to, but what you 'think' you need.


This doesn't sound like that love will be reciprocated.


Neither does this. You are focused on what he is going to give you, opposed to the life you will share together, the love you can equally give him. In fact, you're already picking holes in the situation. 'Loving' and being 'in love' are two very different things; cliche as it sounds.


So, you both have plans to settle down with 'some'one. Whenever I read that I simply hear 'anyone'. You are both seeking personal fulfillment in a relationship, in a 'someone' (anyone) else.


Again, focusing on what he does for you. Yeah, he might be different. But the novelty will probably wear off. He's just the polar opposite to what you're used to (attracted to). And polar opposite is not necessarily what will be good for you in the long run.


Your kids are really beside the point at this stage. Again, you are using them as a rationalisation as to why you should stay with this man. Their relationship with each other, though maybe important in the long run, is not a reflection of your romantic relationship in the short nor long term.


Not long ago. Shows you haven't known him for very long.


This is not something a man with self-respect does - posting this kind of sh!t on facebook. It's screaming for sympathetic attention and show's he is mentally and emotionally weak, he attracts strong-willed, psychologically unhinged women and doesn't know how to deal with them. He think he should just lie down like a doormat, like he has with you. Hasn't worked out for him to date apparently.

In summary, if you are attracted to bad boys, but like the way this guy treats you, wait to find a halfway house, a best of both worlds. It takes time. You obviously don't really know this guy yet. You need to date someone for AT LEAST six months to a year before you've seen them at best and worst. This guy makes you comfortable. Comfortable gets boring.

Be happy in yourself, keep your eye open for others who are content in themselves and when the time comes, go in to relationship to give rather than take; and not with someone you just think is a good fit logistically, but rather someone you want to be with.

Amazing break down.

OP could be "crazy" and her bf "bad boy", however OP if you are here its because you look for answers... so the "flag" might not be up but the pole is installed.

To add to the awesome post (in quote), I know has we get older, we want to go faster in the steps of dating. Personnaly, I believe in takes 4 years to know someone entirely. I would wait 6 months to 1 year to move in (all relationship big first step)

In this case, if you have kids, you dont want to "break" his school year (kids dont do well with that).

 

[sazc]

YES!!!! That is a huge red flag. If you can't bring yourself to dump him, take it VERY slow! Back OFF the interaction with your children completely until you get to know him better.
DO NOT EVER move in with him. Your children deserve stability, reliability and consistency. Moving on with any man, who isn't their father, is far too unreliable.
You've made it this far without a man, you can easily wait till your kids graduate to shack up with someone.

 

[Infern0]

I started dating this guy. I have a bad history with dating. I just seem to always fall for the players and jerks..

I met this guy who Ive been seeing for over a month now and things seem to be going good. Hes a nice guy who actually seems like he's going to give me the love I know I deserve. I can be a bit superficial, but while he's not the "hottest" guy in my book, I love what he offers me. My goal is to settle down with a guy and that seems to be in his plans too. He seems like he genuinely cares about me. It's just...different from what I'm used to. Feels like a breath of fresh air in a way. He has a a young son, and I have a young son. Our kids already get along well.

One thing rung a bell though. I recently went looking through his facebook pictures (like Im sure many people do when they start dating somebody new) and I was just looking at pictures of him from over the years... Well I saw that he posted in May 2016 a picture of spray-paint on his car and he wrote "Here we have yet another psycho ex to add to my laundry list of them. God only knows why I attract them"


Should I take this as a red flag?

Yes you should take it seriously, and the bold part is also going to become an issue.

Women get bored with average looking "nice" guys.

 

[marmel75]

I started dating this guy. I have a bad history with dating. I just seem to always fall for the players and jerks..

I met this guy who Ive been seeing for over a month now and things seem to be going good. Hes a nice guy who actually seems like he's going to give me the love I know I deserve. I can be a bit superficial, but while he's not the "hottest" guy in my book, I love what he offers me. My goal is to settle down with a guy and that seems to be in his plans too. He seems like he genuinely cares about me. It's just...different from what I'm used to. Feels like a breath of fresh air in a way. He has a a young son, and I have a young son. Our kids already get along well.

One thing rung a bell though. I recently went looking through his facebook pictures (like Im sure many people do when they start dating somebody new) and I was just looking at pictures of him from over the years... Well I saw that he posted in May 2016 a picture of spray-paint on his car and he wrote "Here we have yet another psycho ex to add to my laundry list of them. God only knows why I attract them"


Should I take this as a red flag?

Maybe he fvcks like a champ and the women go crazy to try and get him back because they value his ability so much? Lucky you I guess, hahaha

 

[Desdinova]

Well I saw that he posted in May 2016 a picture of spray-paint on his car and he wrote "Here we have yet another psycho ex to add to my laundry list of them. God only knows why I attract them"

This is actually very telling, not about the women he's dated, but about how the women feel about him. If they're doing psycho 5hit like this, they're falling very deeply in love with him. It's very likely that he's going to bring you a lot of emotional fluctuation which is what women enjoy in their relationships. It's hard to tell what the source of emotional fluctuation is though. He might be a jerk like the other fvck ups you've dated, or he might be very spontaneous with exciting things he does for you. Only time will tell.

So no, I wouldn't say it's a red flag for him.

 

[Roober]

People will tell you who they are, you just have to listen...

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

I am wondering whether this is a troll post or not. There are certain things that are worded in a strange way.... perhaps the troll I discredited not too long ago took my advice after all because this thread does have many replies...

 

[stephaniefinley]

Otherwise, when this relationship ends (and I'm sure it will)

I am into him, but Im not sure if seeing something like that on his facebook was a dealbreaker or not. I see that alot of people on this thread believe that it is

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I am into him, but Im not sure if seeing something like that on his facebook was a dealbreaker or not. I see that alot of people on this thread believe that it is

It's not a deal breaker. Just see how it goes. What you had been attracted to was a "trick". You always thought they would do better. After so many failures you realize you were attracted to a mirage. Now you want what you need in a man.

 

[stephaniefinley]

This is actually very telling, not about the women he's dated, but about how the women feel about him. If they're doing psycho 5hit like this, they're falling very deeply in love with him. It's very likely that he's going to bring you a lot of emotional fluctuation which is what women enjoy in their relationships. It's hard to tell what the source of emotional fluctuation is though. He might be a jerk like the other fvck ups you've dated, or he might be very spontaneous with exciting things he does for you. Only time will tell.

So no, I wouldn't say it's a red flag for him.

Interesting. You seem to be going against the grain in this thread. If what he says is true and he actually did have "psycho exes" (im no normal girl myself, im not psycho, but Im not a saint either) then I wonder if he is attracted to that/brought that out in them, or if their psycho behavior is a result of his ability to have women fall deeply in love with him.

 

[stephaniefinley]

He was initially the one interested in me first (this was about a few weeks after a guy I was dating for a short while who I really liked, played me.) We met at an outdoor event and he was the one who was initially interested in me. To be blunt, he's not somebody I would've looked at and said "he's cute, let me go talk to him." As I said in my original post, in the past I've had a tendency to be superficial with men. Looks were always important (like Im sure they are to most people.) He's not an extremely handsome guy, sometimes I even tease him about how he can look creepy in some of his pictures because of the way he smiles (just being playful with him, but it is true to a degree haha.) But anyway, after he approached me and he started pursuing me, we ended up getting increasingly close very quickly. I dont know if this was a result of me being vulnerable and yearning for a man (Ive been looking for a REAL man for a while now) but I did bond and connect with him rather quickly. And our kids get along good already.

We never had a discussion about our exes yet, all I know is from what I saw on that facebook post. It raised an eyebrow for me. And a majority of the people on this thread see it as a big red flag. Im just unsure how to take it..

 

[Billtx49]

all I know is from what I saw on that facebook post. It raised an eyebrow for me. And a majority of the people on this thread see it as a big red flag. Im just unsure how to take it..

That post is only one clue you have of his past. Both men and women's personalities unfold over time and become more visible to you. Proceed with eyes and ears open and you willl be fine.

 

[stephaniefinley]

That post is only one clue you have of his past. Both men and women's personalities unfold over time and become more visible to you. Proceed with eyes and ears open and you willl be fine.

Do you think more of his "dirt" will be uncovered in time?

 

[Billtx49]

Wait and see if you like him enough to do so. If he's good for you, stay. If he's bad, Eject and don't look back.

 

[sazc]

It seems.....strange, illogical, destructive, malicious, negligent and a bit immature to advise someone on this forum that destructive behavior equates to another person as 'being in love'. I realize that linking these two ideas linked together supports the 'high score' theory that is spoken about around here but......really? being destructive means the person was 'in love'? really?

No. That's not what love is.

A person engaging in destructive behavior against another definitely has significant emotions about the other person, but those emotions are definitely NOT love.

This 'push pull' 'advisement' surrounding a female sure does create emotional shifts in the female, but these artificially imposed emotional shifts have the ability to push a female to the brink of devastation (especially an already unstable one), as we see in the original post of this thread. As well, I do agree that artificially generated emotional fluctuations may very well cause your (ex) lover to 'look you up', 'google you' etc, but he or she may hate your guts and wish you were dead, and that is why they are 'upping your high score'. In the case of this original post, heck yea this female was upping the dues high score - SO she could find out where his car was and spray paint it!

I do have ex's that I look up from time to time but there is only one that i can say works into this 'high score theory'. The other 4 were absolute d1cks to me near he end of the relationship (just generally treating me poorly to try and run me off, instead of simply saying 'it's over', cowards) These men definitely caused me emotional fluctuation but I was never in love with any of them. My experiences dont fit into the high score theory.

@stephaniefinley I have leerned over the years to stop denying the red flags that fly in front of my face when I am dating someone. Did your new beau behave in a manner that cauxed these women to 'go crazy'? or were these women already cracked when they met him. Either way, it doesnt bode well for you.

If you really want to know what's up, you need to do the mature thing and ask him about it. Be specific with your questions. Watch how he reacts. Is he forthcoming? or is he dismissive.

No man is worth drama, period.

 

[Desdinova]

If what he says is true and he actually did have "psycho exes" (im no normal girl myself, im not psycho, but Im not a saint either) then I wonder if he is attracted to that

Men and women are quite different in what they're attracted to. Men are generally not attracted to women who appear to be bat5hit crazy. Men are primarily attracted to women who are physically appealing.

or if their psycho behavior is a result of his ability to have women fall deeply in love with him.

I'm willing to bet on this. I've had enough ex-GFs who went crazy when I ended my relationship with them.