The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Carpathian]

2mo after the last Facebook validate me message she initiated and NC I get the "Hello MrWood! How are you?"... again

I dont know if I even want to respond, again it would be out of character if I didnt. instead of a "I'm ok. Thanks." I will go with "hello there" and see what she spits back
Think I can deal with whatever, but dont know if I want to see her again, I cant be friends or a friend to her.

Two - four months is the classic delay for a dumper to reach out I have found. Enough time has passed for her to start to miss you on a deep level, for her to reevaluate her feelings and for her to "get it" that this is for real and that unless she reaches out she'll never hear from you again. So, she sent you a feeler message to break the ice. All such contacts are feeler messages. Only you can decide what to do. If it was a bad break up just ignore it. If you harbor reconciliation possibilities just reply "I'm good thanks" and see where it goes. But in my experience, it rarely works out the second time (and subsequent times).

 

[Carpathian]

Two - four months is the classic delay for a dumper to reach out I have found. Enough time has passed for her to start to miss you on a deep level, for her to reevaluate her feelings and for her to "get it" that this is for real and that unless she reaches out she'll never hear from you again. So, she sent you a feeler message to break the ice. All such contacts are feeler messages. Only you can decide what to do. If it was a bad break up just ignore it. If you harbor reconciliation possibilities just reply "I'm good thanks" and see where it goes. But in my experience, it rarely works out the secondy time (and subsequent times).

...also meant to add. Feeler message is not the same as a "I want you back" message - it is very important to understand this. Feeler message is similar to checking you have your car keys in your pocket still. She wants reassurance that you (the keys) are still "there" and safe. A reply, even a "I'm fine thanks" gives her some level of reassurance that you are still "there" and may still possibly be available since if you ignored her she could imply from that you no longer care and have moved on....

I went through this stage four weeks ago with my ex after a ten week NC period. We exchanged a few emails after she broke the NC with some sh1t about sorry the way it ended and then she went quiet - i.e. she knows I am "there". This set me - the dumpee - back for two weeks as I was starting to think maybe she wants me again and I was disappointed when she went quiet again. This is why many will advise strict NC and never reply to anything other than a "I am sorry, I fvcked up and I want you back". So be careful and think this through before you reply. In my case, if she sends me other messages I am going to ignore her. She needs to send me a few such messages indicating her intentions before I'll reply again.

 

[BeTheChange]

2mo after the last Facebook validate me message she initiated and NC I get the "Hello MrWood! How are you?"... again

I dont know if I even want to respond, again it would be out of character if I didnt. instead of a "I'm ok. Thanks." I will go with "hello there" and see what she spits back
Think I can deal with whatever, but dont know if I want to see her again, I cant be friends or a friend to her.

Don’t do it. If she wants you she will explicitly say. Let that anxiety build until it hits a crescendo. Allow her to be miserable and fully appreciate what it means to have you absent from her life. You have to allow them reach out. My ex did so on Saturday and went full blown psycho - Banging on my door, ringing my doorbell constantly, trying to speak to me through my bathroom window. She even threatened to beat up any girl she saw me with. I ignored her the first time, put my earphones in and watched a film. Then she came back later even though it was raining pretty heavily and did the same thing for about 15 minutes before I let her in.

She tells me she’s been “a mess” this last week and “lost” without me. She admits to having been on dates or going out clubbing with 4 different guys every day since the breakup, drinking regularly. In fact she still looked hung over and had her eye makeup on from what looked like the night before. She claims nothing happened with any of them. Being the honest guy I am, I tell her about Monday with the other girl. She takes it very badly – rolling round on the floor crying, etc. But what’s worse is that I eventually (and only through tricking her) get her to admit that she DID hook up with one of these guys - blowj0b with the guy I saw her with on Wednesday on the same night I saw her can you believe it! (And only because she was on her period that week)

I was prepared to accept that “heartbreak” and 3 years of me unknowingly chipping away at her self-esteem through my indifference might turn her into a busy girl. It’s her right to find a distraction as it was mine and as I said I was emotionally and physically abusive for a large part of the relationship and she deserved better. I’ve been a confident guy for quite a while now so it’s hard for me to imagine how someone else’s words or behaviour towards you can have such an impact on your self-worth but obviously it was massive for her. I’m starting therapy soon as I do want to tackle this and become a better man. HOWEVER I was hoping that she wouldn’t reach out until after a few months. @LiveYourDream and co. What do you think about this whole situation?

She goes on holiday next week and gets back while I am away so it works out that from that time they’ll be a period where we can’t see each other for a whole month. I’ve told her that I want to do NC during this time for at least 30 days just to collect my thoughts, sort my life out and make a more objective decision. She’s reluctant as she is “scared I will fall out of love with her” or “find another woman” and in the past refused my NC request when we were going through some issues last year. However this time she appreciates I need some time away so has reluctantly agreed to respect my wishes for NC.

 

[MrWood]

the "Im good, thanks, was replied with "THATS GREAT!" and that was 2mo ago with NC in between, but her liking all of my FB posts and pics.

last contact thread:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....-just-got-dumped.160056/page-451#post-2330671
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....-just-got-dumped.160056/page-451#post-2330750
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index....-just-got-dumped.160056/page-451#post-2331044

 

[Glassguy]

Wood- I wouldn't repond. If you do, I'd wait a few days first and that's only if you for sure want to give it another try. Wait a few days and see if she sends something else.

You can always wait a few days and say "I'm sorry I don't recognize the phone number....who is this again?"

 

[dude99]

Mr wood. I would just go into complete ignore mode. What she is looking for is too see if she "can" still have you. She wants too see if you still have feelings for her whether she wants you back or not. She wants her ego fed so she can sit around the table with her friends and brag how you are a mess without her.

Total ignore dude. Don't play.

 

[Carpathian]

Don’t do it. If she wants you she will explicitly say. Let that anxiety build until it hits a crescendo. Allow her to be miserable and fully appreciate what it means to have you absent from her life. You have to allow them reach out.

^^^^^This^^^^^

 

[Carpathian]

@BeTheChange How long before Saturday when she beat down your door had you been in NC for?

 

[Carpathian]

@MrWood Your situation sounds so much like mine it is unreal. You're even a similar age. Reading through your posts a bit more she is definitely doing these little reach outs to see if you are still a "fish on the line" (does that make sense in English???). Definitely. And then you reply "I'm fine thanks". And then she is reassured you are still the fish on the line, ready to be yanked at her beck-and-call. Man, it's time to re-arrange the furniture in this situation. Completely ignore these breadcrumb messages. You should not play this fvkking game anymore with her. Unless she has something substantive to say then ignore her. It wont be long before she reaches out again.

 

[BeTheChange]

@BeTheChange How long before Saturday when she beat down your door had you been in NC for?

7 days. I think my situation might be somewhat unique because we were together for 3 years AND I took her virginity so I imagine it will be a little bit more difficult for her to be willing to lose that connection. However I still believe the principles are the same.

If you want her to be truly be happy with you again then she has to REALLY want to come back. She HAS to experience the pain of not being round you. And the only way you can really see this is when they sacrifice their pride and reach out to you properly. A "hey how are you" text should be taken for what it is. Casual interest. We don't want casual interest. We want our women to be head over heels crazy for us. Accept nothing less.

 

[Carpathian]

We don't want casual interest. We want our women to be head over heels crazy for us. Accept nothing less.

Amen brother.

 

[Optimus04]

Joined this because of this thread. I was seeing some girl, we had sex then I started liking her a lot. Then she changed and I asked her what she wanted and she told me friendship. So I stopped talking to her, couple days after she sent me 3 messages asking if I was mad at her. I didn't reply and she hasn't said anything since. Oh well, I guess she moved on.

I'm also trying to move on but I'm going through some things now and it's hard not to think of her when I'm down.

 

[MrWood]

"fish on a line" is perfect actually.
She is a Russian, lives in Moscow.

I do want to see what she is up to with this, if it is another validation probe, or something else.
Do I want a relationship with her? She would need to show alot of change, so I can handle any response.
Question is how/if I should reply to elicit an actual response or provoke some communication?

 

[Carpathian]

@MrWood Clearly you have an "itch" for her to reach out. Don't we all! But replying to her to get her to reply to you is a bit crazy. You have done this before and she simply went quiet again. As we have all said, in your situation you should not be reaching out to anything less than a "I want to get back together" message. That's why you need to remain NC. It is hard, you like her, but there is no other way. I am in the same situation.

 

[MrWood]

The temptation to not reply is strong, but I dont see her coming back at me harder if I ignore...
ignoring is simply not in my character, and IMHO would reflect that I am (still) hurt.

I was thinking sending this:
Hello there
Really busy with things lately, going to Calif/Vegas in a few weeks… (I took her to Cali once and we had plans for Vegas in the future)
some fvcking life huh?
Better yet Name, just say what you really want… what your body/heart/emotions feel ok?

 

[BeTheChange]

@BeTheChange,
1. Answer these questions: What do you want? Is it realistic/possible? Why do you want it?
2. Go re-read every single post you made in the NC thread.
3. Answer each of the questions in #1.
4. Are your answers the same? Different?
5. What is most true for you, right now?

Whatever you do, do not break NC in the next 30 days. (It may be extended longer than that.) You need time to get clear on you. You will vacillate even in NC. Do not interact. This is the time to set the foundation for you and your life moving forward. This is way bigger than, you getting back together with her or not. Don't let her distract you into making this NC period be centered on her and your future with her or not. It is way bigger than that. You are the center in your life, not her. Make sure your NC, focus and thoughts reflect that.

I agree with all this. Right now I am not sure if I want her. She has done some things I didn't think she was capable of and I don't think it's right to blame my behaviour for ever. I want to be a good person who can be good to my gf and in return I want loyalty and commitment. I'm not even sure if she is capable of that anymore. The 30 day NC begins when she leaves for her family holidays next week and she understands that I will not speak to her at all.

Sadly my previous NC has been derailed as we are hooking up again. We had an honest chat about stuff. Obviously a lot of anger and hurt on both sides (more on hers of course). But even though (in my eyes) she instigated the break up by entertaining the attention of other men (yes yes I was a horrible bf and understand her motivations) she still doesn't acknowledge it. I asked her if she'd known I would have hooked up with someone so soon after breaking up would that have made her rethink her actions and come back sooner. Her response shocked me. She said if she had known I had sex on Monday then she would have had sex with one of her orbiters that night doing it really well with all the dirty stuff I like so that I'd be just as hurt as her knowing that someone else had her body and not me. I slept on it, woke up and told her straight I would never even consider a relationship with a girl who had that "tit for tat" mentality. She apologised and said she was wrong and emotional but that still irks me. Maybe it's a double standard I don't know. Is this actually how a NORMAL woman should think???

And you want to know the dirty little secret. If it weren't for the inevitable pain and emotional turmoil that would come with it, I would probably leave her in a heatbeat. Not only could I find someone better (eventually) but I could have someone without all the baggage and who was a much better adjusted person. And even though I KNOW this, it doesn't stop me from wanting to be with her. I just can't bring myself to kill a relationship with my best friend and the first person I've actually loved.

As I've admittied a few times I fvcking wished she hadn't been so extreme in seeking me out again. I don't have the resolve to ignore her when she is crying in front of my door on her knees in the rain. That doesn't mean she can do anything to me and i would stay, but in this particular case I am the bad guy and have been for much of the relationship. A text or call can be much more easily ignored. And in all honesty I'm a proud guy so would never have bothered reaching out to her until I was completely emotionally over the relationship and banging a swedish model or something.

I was her first so unfortunately I don't really see a scenario where this extreme chasing won't happen unless she falls in love with someone else (which could/would take years) or I move out the country. As fvcked up as it sounds a part of me wishes she had actually fallen for another guy and left me for good. I'm so fried and unsure of what to do.

 

[dude99]

The temptation to not reply is strong, but I dont see her coming back at me harder if I ignore...
ignoring is simply not in my character, and IMHO would reflect that I am (still) hurt.

I was thinking sending this:
Hello there
Really busy with things lately, going to Calif/Vegas in a few weeks… (I took her to Cali once and we had plans for Vegas in the future)
some fvcking life huh?
Better yet Name, just say what you really want… what your body/heart/emotions feel ok?

If you have to say anything but if i were you
I would leave out the "just say what you really want." Part. It will do nothing except feed her ego and make her think she can still pull your strings.

 

[Carpathian]

The temptation to not reply is strong, but I dont see her coming back at me harder if I ignore...
ignoring is simply not in my character, and IMHO would reflect that I am (still) hurt.

I was thinking sending this:
Hello there
Really busy with things lately, going to Calif/Vegas in a few weeks… (I took her to Cali once and we had plans for Vegas in the future)
some fvcking life huh?
Better yet Name, just say what you really want… what your body/heart/emotions feel ok?

No, no, no. You are the fish on the line. Why are you doing this to yourself? I know you want her, I understand that. But you have to want her TO WANT YOU!!! SHE should be making the effort.

 

[MrWood]

I suppose 'yall are right. This is someone that I was engaged to, we have had 3 contacts in the last 6mo
the call on my birthday in March, the previous FB contact April 8 and this FB message now.
This was a LDR and actually takes scheduling etc to actually meet,
which in the past was anywhere from 3days/mo to 2weeks/mo with average gap of 3weeks... over 2 years

Yes I know she needs to want me, I could entertain that path, I do have plates currently
She would need to show the incentive and initiation, which this could be... or not.

I do firmly believe not responding at all is sending a more stronger message that:
a. I want absolutely nothing to do with her (somewhat true)
b. conveys that I am still hurt etc
c. figured I have 100% moved on
d. any other lame excuses I have

I guess I simply want to convey the door is cracked open for her...
she has knocked as I see it, but wont stand there for 5 days or more, her interest is now.. yes?

 

[BeTheChange]

I suppose 'yall are right. This is someone that I was engaged to, we have had 3 contacts in the last 6mo
the call on my birthday in March, the previous FB contact April 8 and this FB message now.
This was a LDR and actually takes scheduling etc to actually meet,
which in the past was anywhere from 3days/mo to 2weeks/mo with average gap of 3weeks... over 2 years

Yes I know she needs to want me, I could entertain that path, I do have plates currently
She would need to show the incentive and initiation, which this could be... or not.

I do firmly believe not responding at all is sending a more stronger message that:
a. I want absolutely nothing to do with her (somewhat true)
b. conveys that I am still hurt etc
c. figured I have 100% moved on
d. any other lame excuses I have

I guess I simply want to convey the door is cracked open for her...
she has knocked as I see it, but wont stand there for 5 days or more, her interest is now.. yes?

Mate you are lying to yourself. Only in the emotionally damaged world of an NC’er does NOT responding somehow convey more neediness and hurt than responding.

I am guilty of twisting situations in my mind to suit what my emotions actually want me to do which is why it’s so important to seek out objective advice and here it comes. The b*tch knows the door is open for her and if she gives a crap she will at least go to the trouble to find out by GIVING YOU A CALL and actually TRYING to get back together. Not this bullsh*t. Keep on with NC and get on with your life until she ACTUALLY makes an effort. But don’t hold your breath.

If there is one lesson this whole thing has taught me it is that women are fvcking ruthless. They WILL fvck up your heart and life and move on without a second thought. Yes my ex came back but ONLY because SHE was hurting, not because she cared about the pain she inflicted on me. Brother, understand most women only really care about themselves. This is what they mean when they say do NC for YOU and no one else. You're wallowing about while she is very probably in another man's arms.

As bad as it sounds I honestly think you need to picture your girl getting banged by another guy (which is probably happening). Then tell me if you still want to live your life pining after such a person? Didn't think so.