My game needs vast improvement. Just exited marriage, tip's,advice welcome

[Killakittie]

Cruelty and perfidy are sweet words in the ears of that woman.
Whether your choose to play the game or not, you are part of the game.

But you cannot game without a purpose. You create your own goals. She doesn't have to know them.

What is your purpose regarding that woman? And what do you think she is playing with you?

Then, enter the game with boldness.

Well she's my wife. But she's also a liar, emotionally abusive, and extremely disrespectful. We are separated but I keep going back and responding to her attempts at communication. It's like I'm addicted.

 

[Killakittie]

One thing that time helped me realize was that you have to first enjoy your own company and value that time that you spend with yourself doing what you enjoy! Readingand learning new things. Then any female that comes into play in your life if she chooses to leave or stay thats fine because i enjoy my personal time with self anyways...thats how i became nonchalant

Exactly!! This is what I've been trying to maintain. It's been very hard but I'm fighting like hell.

Ok so another update. But first let's take a look back in our relationship. When we had been together for only a couple of months she had driven to the next town over and spent the day with this guy Scott that she had been dating before me. Well they ended up having sex and screwing around all day and she wasn't really forthcoming about the whole thing, but she did end up telling me the truth. Well from that day on the trust was severely broken and instead of walking away with my dignity I stayed in like the AFC I was. I tried to make it work.This was over two years ago. So fast forward to now. Me and her have been separated for about 2 months now, we don't live together anymore, and we only talk sparingly. Well this last Thursday I gave in and responded to one of her emails. One thing led to another and I ended up inviting her over to a Starbucks that I was at getting ready for my midterms. So she shows up and we end up leaving and going to a place where there wasn't any people where we were going to fool around in the backseat of my car. She kept asking me if I've been with anybody and I became suspicious and asked her if she had a guilty conscience. My face was just a couple inches from hers and I was starting her right in the eyes when I asked and she looked away, said that she didn't want to talk about it right now. Well after a few more minutes of trying to get her to tell me she finally did. Basically 4 days prior that guy Scott that she had cheated on me with when we were only together a couple of months had driven from the next town over and she had met him and his car and they had unprotected sex twice. The next day she shows up at my house but I'm at work. She's claiming that she needs to talk to me. Well a couple more days go by and last Wednesday the day before she came to Starbucks to meet me when she told me all this she left and went to his house in the next town over and spent all day with him but claimed that she didn't have sex with him. So after hearing this and not wanting to let her see how extremely devastated and upset I was I told her to put her clothes back on and then I drove her back to Starbucks and dropped her off. At this point she's hysterical texting me calling me on blocked numbers emailing me telling me that she's so sorry and that she wants this marriage and that she's going to go get my name tattooed on her right now. I tell her not to I told her no, there's no point, don't do that it's over, when I get my taxes in a week or so I'm going to file and you'll be served. Well about 2 hours later she sends me another email with a picture of my f****** name on her left breast! She went and got my f****** name tattooed on her! She asked me if I like it I responded what the fuc and she's like don't you like it I like it. We sent some emails back and forth and I gotta say I was completely surprised and it did kind of feel good that she did something so f****** crazy but it does not erase the simple fact that she had unprotected f****** sex with this guy. I mean it would have been bad enough if she had sex with a stranger but no she goes back and finds this guy on match.com and hooks up with him the same guy that practically ruined our relationship over 2 years ago. Huge slap to my face and to my ego. Let this thread be a reminder to my future self of how hopelessly in love and addicted I was to such a cruel, heartless, life sucking parasite of a human being. I still love her. I must say this because that's honestly how bad it is. I pray everyday that I'm released from these chains. In the end I know I will move forward I know I will succeed and I know I will be happy with somebody else.

My mid terms are ****ed though. I'm so distressed that concentration is practically impossible.

 

[Rapier77]

I've been a long term lurker. I was perusing this thread. You need to shut this situation down immediately. No more contact. Beef up your security at your place of residence. Change locks etc etc. File for divorce. Someone mentioned restraining order. Unprotected sex in todays age is akin to a death sentence. Things like HIV/AIDS and Herpes tend to ruin your day. You stated something to the effect that she won't let anyone else have you. That should be enough to give you a moment of pause. Enough is enough. Shut it down. Now!!

Check out pierce_r post(s) in this thread. Most inspiring. I was in the same place he was except I'm divorced not a widower. I'm doing exactly what he did.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/index.php?threads/never-really-thought-about-style-until-now.211526/

Good Luck.

Rapier

 

[Killakittie]

You are your own worst enemy. Until you realize that, and get tired of living a life of chaos and abuse, it will continue.

Only you have the power to change this.

I know and trust me I am very tired. Today there was no contact, it was a hard but good day. It should be noted that I've been deflecting her attempts at contact almost daily now going on for two months. I had a weak moment today where I picked up my phone and was going to unblock her to see how long it would take for her to call but I immediately dropped my phone on my desk and basically snapped out of it. Wroth me working 12-14 hour days, attending school full time, and caring for my 3 year old son I haven't had the slightest chance to process what's been going on. The slightest thought of her letting that guy raw dog her brings me to tears. I can't be like that. Tonight I was browsing match.com and there she was, just created a profile and was online. I deleted all my pics, blocked her, and deactivated my account. That hurt, empathy is not aquality she possesses unless it suits her agenda. Here's to tomorrow and the unknown.

 

[Glumix]

The slightest thought of her letting that guy raw dog her brings me to tears.

The fact that she get raw dogged by that guy does NOT change what she did and was for you.
That doesn't change the fact that you do not want her anymore.
She has lost you, not because she lefts, but because you do not want her anymore.
You do not lose any value because she's got another man.

Fix yourself. You are most probably co-dependent or have NPD.
Those are narcissistic issues and they cause you all your problems.

At this point of life you should try to get your worth back in your head. And as I can see you have great value. You take care of your kid, your work a lot. Get your worth from those.

Go monk for a few months until you feel good being alone.
Be aware of not getting your validation from external sources like from the eyes of others.

That's what I currently do and after 1 month I can laugh my 4ss off at all the sh!t my ex threw at me. Sometime I have downs but most of the time I am enjoying myself a lot.

 

[kingofthelions]

Exactly!! This is what I've been trying to maintain. It's been very hard but I'm fighting like hell.

Ok so another update. But first let's take a look back in our relationship. When we had been together for only a couple of months she had driven to the next town over and spent the day with this guy Scott that she had been dating before me. Well they ended up having sex and screwing around all day and she wasn't really forthcoming about the whole thing, but she did end up telling me the truth. Well from that day on the trust was severely broken and instead of walking away with my dignity I stayed in like the AFC I was. I tried to make it work.This was over two years ago. So fast forward to now. Me and her have been separated for about 2 months now, we don't live together anymore, and we only talk sparingly. Well this last Thursday I gave in and responded to one of her emails. One thing led to another and I ended up inviting her over to a Starbucks that I was at getting ready for my midterms. So she shows up and we end up leaving and going to a place where there wasn't any people where we were going to fool around in the backseat of my car. She kept asking me if I've been with anybody and I became suspicious and asked her if she had a guilty conscience. My face was just a couple inches from hers and I was starting her right in the eyes when I asked and she looked away, said that she didn't want to talk about it right now. Well after a few more minutes of trying to get her to tell me she finally did. Basically 4 days prior that guy Scott that she had cheated on me with when we were only together a couple of months had driven from the next town over and she had met him and his car and they had unprotected sex twice. The next day she shows up at my house but I'm at work. She's claiming that she needs to talk to me. Well a couple more days go by and last Wednesday the day before she came to Starbucks to meet me when she told me all this she left and went to his house in the next town over and spent all day with him but claimed that she didn't have sex with him. So after hearing this and not wanting to let her see how extremely devastated and upset I was I told her to put her clothes back on and then I drove her back to Starbucks and dropped her off. At this point she's hysterical texting me calling me on blocked numbers emailing me telling me that she's so sorry and that she wants this marriage and that she's going to go get my name tattooed on her right now. I tell her not to I told her no, there's no point, don't do that it's over, when I get my taxes in a week or so I'm going to file and you'll be served. Well about 2 hours later she sends me another email with a picture of my f****** name on her left breast! She went and got my f****** name tattooed on her! She asked me if I like it I responded what the fuc and she's like don't you like it I like it. We sent some emails back and forth and I gotta say I was completely surprised and it did kind of feel good that she did something so f****** crazy but it does not erase the simple fact that she had unprotected f****** sex with this guy. I mean it would have been bad enough if she had sex with a stranger but no she goes back and finds this guy on match.com and hooks up with him the same guy that practically ruined our relationship over 2 years ago. Huge slap to my face and to my ego. Let this thread be a reminder to my future self of how hopelessly in love and addicted I was to such a cruel, heartless, life sucking parasite of a human being. I still love her. I must say this because that's honestly how bad it is. I pray everyday that I'm released from these chains. In the end I know I will move forward I know I will succeed and I know I will be happy with somebody else.

My mid terms are ****ed though. I'm so distressed that concentration is practically impossible.

Exactly!! This is what I've been trying to maintain. It's been very hard but I'm fighting like hell.

Ok so another update. But first let's take a look back in our relationship. When we had been together for only a couple of months she had driven to the next town over and spent the day with this guy Scott that she had been dating before me. Well they ended up having sex and screwing around all day and she wasn't really forthcoming about the whole thing, but she did end up telling me the truth. Well from that day on the trust was severely broken and instead of walking away with my dignity I stayed in like the AFC I was. I tried to make it work.This was over two years ago. So fast forward to now. Me and her have been separated for about 2 months now, we don't live together anymore, and we only talk sparingly. Well this last Thursday I gave in and responded to one of her emails. One thing led to another and I ended up inviting her over to a Starbucks that I was at getting ready for my midterms. So she shows up and we end up leaving and going to a place where there wasn't any people where we were going to fool around in the backseat of my car. She kept asking me if I've been with anybody and I became suspicious and asked her if she had a guilty conscience. My face was just a couple inches from hers and I was starting her right in the eyes when I asked and she looked away, said that she didn't want to talk about it right now. Well after a few more minutes of trying to get her to tell me she finally did. Basically 4 days prior that guy Scott that she had cheated on me with when we were only together a couple of months had driven from the next town over and she had met him and his car and they had unprotected sex twice. The next day she shows up at my house but I'm at work. She's claiming that she needs to talk to me. Well a couple more days go by and last Wednesday the day before she came to Starbucks to meet me when she told me all this she left and went to his house in the next town over and spent all day with him but claimed that she didn't have sex with him. So after hearing this and not wanting to let her see how extremely devastated and upset I was I told her to put her clothes back on and then I drove her back to Starbucks and dropped her off. At this point she's hysterical texting me calling me on blocked numbers emailing me telling me that she's so sorry and that she wants this marriage and that she's going to go get my name tattooed on her right now. I tell her not to I told her no, there's no point, don't do that it's over, when I get my taxes in a week or so I'm going to file and you'll be served. Well about 2 hours later she sends me another email with a picture of my f****** name on her left breast! She went and got my f****** name tattooed on her! She asked me if I like it I responded what the fuc and she's like don't you like it I like it. We sent some emails back and forth and I gotta say I was completely surprised and it did kind of feel good that she did something so f****** crazy but it does not erase the simple fact that she had unprotected f****** sex with this guy. I mean it would have been bad enough if she had sex with a stranger but no she goes back and finds this guy on match.com and hooks up with him the same guy that practically ruined our relationship over 2 years ago. Huge slap to my face and to my ego. Let this thread be a reminder to my future self of how hopelessly in love and addicted I was to such a cruel, heartless, life sucking parasite of a human being. I still love her. I must say this because that's honestly how bad it is. I pray everyday that I'm released from these chains. In the end I know I will move forward I know I will succeed and I know I will be happy with somebody else.

My mid terms are ****ed though. I'm so distressed that concentration is practically impossible.

Yea you gotta go no contact with this one and really do it! Itll take time but you gotta get yourself together emotionally before you can deal with this type of chick or any chick. But when you do get it together get this ***** tipsy f**k her like the s**t she is then bust in her mouth and face then dont ever contact her again, Cause she has put you threw some ****. Like tupac said "revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting p***y"

 

[Killakittie]

I want to personally thank each person who has taken the time to read my thread and respond I have read each of your responses and have reflected on them and it has helped me.

Yesterday there was no contact from her and today is yet to be seen. Even though the thoughts of that guy raw dogging her have completely wreaked havoc on my emotions i have decided to take control of my life back. I hurt, I hurt real ****ing bad, and that's ok. I have my midterm for my math class today and i am not prepared at all as i havent been able to study with all this **** going on. I'm prob going to fail the midterm to be honest and that is going to hurt my current 3.7 gpa but given the circumstances i can accept that. Next semester i can retake this class and if i get an A i can have that substituted on my transcript.

It's extremely probable that my wife is going to show up again soon and that's when the true test will be. I am an ******* and i will not let this ***** take my ****ing soul!

 

[Killakittie]

Well today after work I went to starbucks to do some homework and sure enough I get an email from her saying "I need to give you something" I don't respond and do my work. Well the gym I attend is in the same parking lot as the Starbucks so once I finished up my work I walked out to my car to grab my gym bag. I had the sunroof open on my car and I noticed someone had dropped a folded piece of paper through it onto my drivers seat. I took a look and it was a 4 page letter she had wrote me. I briefly skimmed through the first half of the first page and then skipped to the last page. Basically her going on about she made severe mistakes in our marriage and how I was an amazing husband and father figure to her kids, and how she's not going to be like that with the "next one". Now after briefly scanning through the first and last page I rolled it all up into a ball and threw it to the ground next to my car. I then grabbed my gym bag and went into the gym. When I came out she was parked in the parking lot of the gym in her jeep. I just confidently walked by her completely indifferent and with high confidence, got into my car, and drove away. At the light down the street as I was waiting to make a left she drove by going straight.

It felt good. Her hamster is spinning that wheel so fast, I really feel sorry for her, and I'm glad I was able to handle the situation the way I did. She probably seen me roll her letter into a ball and throw it to the ground. Lol

 

[sodbuster]

You've got a long way to go. You are hoping you've made a dent or hurt her.Love and hate are 2 sides of the same coin..... I don't give a F@ck. I'll give you my ex-wife's number. IF I like you, I will feel sorry for you.....

 

[Kailex]

Man, you need to get away for at least a week or even a weekend, or something.

Go hit up a brewery at a new town, or just a new town in general. Go run a 5K in another state.

ANYTHING.

But the last thing you should be doing is thinking about women right now, especially if you are recognizing being a co-dependent. Learn to live for yourself and to be happy with that before trying to include any women in your life for a long-term venture.

 

[SuckItUp]

Killakiitie,

I've been there where you are and she will continue to "Hoover" because you are allowing her.

You need to get into your mindset that she is a dangerous drug like heroin and if you don't get off the roller coaster the costs are devastating.


You are suffering from PTSD and I'd recommend seeing a therapist. Understand that there are certain aspects that you are responsible for that need to be addressed.

The main issue is figuring out why you put up with her crap behavior.

If you don't get counseling you are extremely likely to trapped or even worse get into another relationship with a personality disordered woman.

Take the simple step of trying to stop analyzing what she is doing. It will keep you from re enmeshing in her drama.

It's going to hurt like hell and it takes a lot of time but it's worth it.

You'll have set backs but eventually you'll get to a point where you will be ambivalent.

 

[Killakittie]

I've reached a milestone and I owe alot of it to your guys help. I've let go. I've been doing alot of internalizing and I've forgave her for everything she's done and I've let it go. Now I no longer carry the weight, the burden, or the grief of what she did. I still don't talk to her and she still tries to initiate contact from time to time but it's less frequent now and I don't struggle with ignoring her anymore.

I've found happiness and peace within myself.

I'm not attempting to spin plates because I'm giving myself much needed attention but once I feel the time is right I'll start. I did spin up 3 pretty regular girls about three weeks ago but I quickly realized it wasn't doing me any good but I figured it was worth the try.

I've officially failed math but I'm doing ok in history and I'm very excited and motivated for summer school and the following semesters. I can now focus all my energy on work, school, gym, and most importantly my son. I'll retake my math and ace it so I'm not beating myself up about it I'm chalking it up to stress and everything I've been going through.

It's not over yet but I'm through the worst of it and I feel amazing. I haven't filed yet but it's honestly due to limited funds at this exact moment. But it will be at the top of the to do list. I'm hoping I can get it done at the end of this month.

 

[Killakittie]

Well I've started going to therapy and I'm about 4 sessions in. I'm going once a week. Me and my therapist are working on why I had such little respect for myself that I tolerated all the abuse.

A couple of things I didn't mention before but my soon to be ex wife was also physically violent with me on three separate occasions over the span of two months. We would be talking or having a disagreement when she would suddenly blow up, punch me in the face a few times, and then go right back to being calm and quiet. The last time she hit me I called the cops and had her arrested and then I made her move out shortly after.

I've also stopped trying to block every attempt she makes at contacting me because I've noticed it takes alot of my energy away from more important things. She still tries contacting me once or twice a week and as far as she's concerned I want nothing to do with her. It's still hard but not having this huge abusive weight in my life is very nice.

I've noticed since my attitude has been more positive I've got alot more women coming up to me and engaging me in petty conversation in the real world. It's nice and I get pleasure out of just talking. I don't ask for any numbers or attempt to date though because I'm still a long way off working on myself but it feels good to connect with strangers sometimes.

I'm still working on loving myself and drawing validation internally instead of externally. I've planted a small garden and I'm spending way more time with my boy. I'm feeling pretty good about these things. And my therapist is helping steer me straight.

 

[grayclif]

I can't read your rants any longer they long and the more I read the more each one sounds the same. You keep falling back in her trap. It's weak.

You need to leave town. For a year or so. Till you can get your head straight and get some new better women in your life. There is no way you can properly raise your son in this environment. Drop everything and explain to your dad that you have to. Leave your son with his mom and your dad and just go. You done fvcked up by letting this women control your every waking thought. It's unhealthy. Formulate a plan and then go. Build a life elsewhere by becoming independent and one day return for your son.

It just sounds stupid to hear you say I'm getting divorced when I get my taxes. Please don't say that again.

 

[sodbuster]

A female who punches me in the face, is not a woman. I don't hit women, but I'm not a punching bag for a female.... I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

 

[Killakittie]

I can't read your rants any longer they long and the more I read the more each one sounds the same. You keep falling back in her trap. It's weak.

You need to leave town. For a year or so. Till you can get your head straight and get some new better women in your life. There is no way you can properly raise your son in this environment. Drop everything and explain to your dad that you have to. Leave your son with his mom and your dad and just go. You done fvcked up by letting this women control your every waking thought. It's unhealthy. Formulate a plan and then go. Build a life elsewhere by becoming independent and one day return for your son.

It just sounds stupid to hear you say I'm getting divorced when I get my taxes. Please don't say that again.

Been meaning to respond to this but work has been crazy busy this last week. When i first started this thread i was in the middle of a lot of pain and anguish but it's important to recognize that i moved her out Jan 23rd because i was done with her disrespectful bullsh!t Since then she has been trying very hard to get me back and i have not been nice to her at all. Basically every time she contacted me i would tell her to f-off and move on, this didn't stop her though.

As i read more about maintaining frame, mental point of origin, and having self respect things made much more sense to me. From the beginning of our relationship i was aware of the red flags but i had a bad case of oneitis so i ignored them.

I didn't even know what oneitis was...my earlier relationships i never had a problem like this before and i never allowed one girl to disrespect me so much for so long as my wife did. I really need your guys help though, because i am still figuring all this out, and even though i am prepared to walk away and divorce if there is any way to save this i need to know i have exhausted all avenues of attack before doing so.

I fully understand it is my fault for allowing this situation to manifest to the point where i was literally miserable, depressed, and anxious. I seen the signs, i had the life experiences before that to tell me this was a bad idea, and knowing this i put myself in a position where i was disrespected and taken advantage of. Now she's been out of my house since January and she has been going to therapy for two months " I even attended one session with her" and she has become immersed in studying the bible. Even though i see these changes it's not enough for me to jump back on board. This is where you guys can help me.

I need some insight..what's the probability that she can turn around and have respect for me? I fully understand i have to lead and respect myself before she will, and i am working on that right now, regardless if we stay together or not. I know she has to follow and i also know i can only do my part and she either will or will not. But she seems genuinely interested in making the marriage work. She admits to disrespecting me and not taking our relationship serious at all up until a couple months ago. She wants me to attend church with her and study the bible with her and allow god to work through us to help heal our marriage.

She does still struggle at times with interrupting me while i am talking, interjecting, and making assumptions about my point before i have finished my sentence and she has admitted she does this and is trying to break the habit.

I need all advice and insight you guys have to offer good or bad. I am eager to answer any questions you might have to paint a better picture of our relationship.

 

[Killakittie]

A female who punches me in the face, is not a woman. I don't hit women, but I'm not a punching bag for a female.... I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Yeah this happened to me three different times over the course of four weeks, It was the first time a women has ever hit me in the face, and according to her it was the first time she ever did something like it. She says it surprised her that she did it and she feels bad for doing it to me. She has not been physical since she went to jail the last time it happened.

 

[LiveFreeX]

I'm still working on loving myself

This is chick speak.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Yeah this happened to me three different times over the course of four weeks, It was the first time a women has ever hit me in the face, and according to her it was the first time she ever did something like it. She says it surprised her that she did it and she feels bad for doing it to me. She has not been physical since she went to jail the last time it happened.

They do it because they figure they can get away with it. All you have to do is physically restrain her strongly enough so she knows she is dealing with a man, but as you see, if they hit you once they will hit you twice and it's not about the hitting, it's about the disrespect. Once that box is opened it is nearly impossible to close.

 

[Killakittie]

WTF!!!
I am stunned you even asked that!
The answer is NONE!!!! Let me modify that. If you actually became a strong, centered man living your own life, having 100% moved on from her, because you had self respect---maybe then she would have some respect for you.

You entertaining her fantasies of reconciliation and the hoops she'd like you to jump just shows how emeshed you truly are! You showing no self respect and listening to and entertaining all her desires shows weakness and there is nothing for her to respect in that. It's a set-up for her to have her way.

She went to jail after hitting you on multiple occasions and now you are feeling flattered and considering her interest!!! Wake-Up!!!

Your idea or illusion that you have moved on is clearly denial. Your actions and thoughts clearly reflect you have not moved on, not even close. Other than emailing details about child rearing, absolute NC would serve you well. I am not sure what you are up to with your therapist but your line of questioning and thinking is not a healthy one, in my perspective. Find your balls.

Listen i am the type of man who in lieu of being married wants to make sure that all avenues have been tried before i divorce. I am thinking this way because i am clearly seeing some big changes in her and it's been going on for around two months now. What i am not saying is that this change, whatever it may be, is the kind of change that is needed to rebuild or reconcile our marriage. I am simply reporting what i am observing. I am not saying i am over her or that i have moved on. I have moved on from where i was before i had her move out though and i see things very differently now. I am in a position to accept her offer at healing our marriage or walking away. I just want to make the best educated decision.

I know the standard response on here is to drop her and start spinning plates. But this is my marriage we are talking about here...this is for me ok. I need to know i did what i could and there was nothing left but divorce. If she was a gf or a plate this would be a non issue but this is my second marriage and if i divorce i am never getting married again.Also keep in mind that she isnt acting like she was the first two years i have known her. Something is different and it is not me just deluding myself. I am here asking you all for advice because if this is just a rouse then i would like to understand why and how so i might learn from your experiences without having to learn it myself the hard way.

Yes she hit me
Yes she slept with someone,but so did i.
Yes she has been disrespectful the entire relationship.

Is this large apparent change of behavior something worth investigating? If i divorce i do not want to have any doubts for my own self conscious. Has any one here had a wife turn herself around and wake up? My wife is 31 with two kids from a previous relationship. We have no kids together and we haven't lived together since last Jan.

This is chick speak.

Ok replace "love" with respect. The important thing is that i am trying to put myself first in this marriage since we've been together. She's out of my house and has been for going on five months.

They do it because they figure they can get away with it. All you have to do is physically restrain her strongly enough so she knows she is dealing with a man, but as you see, if they hit you once they will hit you twice and it's not about the hitting, it's about the disrespect. Once that box is opened it is nearly impossible to close.

Yeah after the third time she hit me i called the cops, had her arrested, and then had her move out the next day. That was late January.

In Cali if you touch a women period you will go to jail. Hell if a women calls the police and claims domestic violence you will go to jail %100 no questions asked. The night the police showed up after she had hit me the cop told me he was going to haul me to jail until she openly admitted to to striking me in the face. That is the only reason she went instead of me.

I dodged a bullet and quickly moved her out the next day. It sucks that because we are male that we can not even defend ourselves against attack from any female.