Not Keen On My Girlfriend Going To Clubs & Bars?

[soulforge]

Quick advice needed guys..

I am 40 and she is 45...

I,m not really into the club or bar scene anymore.. but my girlfriend of 6 months did used to go out alot..

Since she has met me, she has not bothered going out much.. but i worry at some point she will start the whole bar and club scene thing again?

We have been dating 6 months, and things are getting quite serious..

Should i make it clear to her, that her going out to bars and clubs is not ideal for this relationship?

At some point i can see this becoming a problem for me?

Any opinions on how to handle this??

 

[marmel75]

Stop being insecure. Your inner AFC is dying to come out I see.

Why would you bring something up that hasn't even happened?

 

[soulforge]

B

Stop being insecure. Your inner AFC is dying to come out I see.

Why would you bring something up that hasn't even happened?

Because old habits die hard.. yes at the moment she isn't going to clubs and bars etc.. but gut instinct tells me its only a matter of time...

I feel like i need to tell her and let her know what my expectations are from the relationship?

 

[Harry Wilmington]

Of course she used to go out to clubs a lot - she was single and was hoping to meet guys there that she could potentially date/hook up with. Now that she's happy with you, that need isn't there since her primary objective - to be in a relationship - has happened. So, unless she's said something about wanting to go to a bar/club, I wouldn't worry about it.

Secondly, IF she wants to go to those kinds of places occasionally, YOU need to not be so rigid and be willing to take her. I'm not saying she should be wanting to go all the time, but bars/clubs ARE nice places to dance to music and feel high energy.

LASTLY, throwing around ultimatums about stuff she's not even doing is not going to go over well. Right now she's not even thinking about it... BUT, as soon as you say "Don't go to bars and clubs..." Y'know how kids, when you tell them not to touch something, all they want to do in that moment is touch the thing you told them not to touch? That's pretty much what's going to happen here - you'll make an ultimatum about her going out to these places, and she's going to have a desire to go there even if it was no longer there, just to prove that you can't control her.

Stop worry about it, and don't say anything. If SHE brings it up, THEN it's a conversation, but don't purposefully bring up stuff that's going to cause a fight.

 

[soulforge]

Of course she used to go out to clubs a lot - she was single and was hoping to meet guys there that she could potentially date/hook up with. Now that she's happy with you, that need isn't there since her primary objective - to be in a relationship - has happened. So, unless she's said something about wanting to go to a bar/club, I wouldn't worry about it.

Secondly, IF she wants to go to those kinds of places occasionally, YOU need to not be so rigid and be willing to take her. I'm not saying she should be wanting to go all the time, but bars/clubs ARE nice places to dance to music and feel high energy.

LASTLY, throwing around ultimatums about stuff she's not even doing is not going to go over well. Right now she's not even thinking about it... BUT, as soon as you say "Don't go to bars and clubs..." Y'know how kids, when you tell them not to touch something, all they want to do in that moment is touch the thing you told them not to touch? That's pretty much what's going to happen here - you'll make an ultimatum about her going out to these places, and she's going to have a desire to go there even if it was no longer there, just to prove that you can't control her.

Stop worry about it, and don't say anything. If SHE brings it up, THEN it's a conversation, but don't purposefully bring up stuff that's going to cause a fight.

Well to answer your question.. she has invited me to go to a club with her on New Years Eve..

It is also her daughters 21st birthday on New Years Eve, so they have decided to go to a club.. because its an occasion, i am fine and happy to go with her..

My only worry is, if she starts going out to clubs and bars on her own at some point..

At this point i will say nothing to her.. but if she does start going out to bars drinking again.. i think i would have to have a conversation with her!

 

[marmel75]

B



Because old habits die hard.. yes at the moment she isn't going to clubs and bars etc.. but gut instinct tells me its only a matter of time...

I feel like i need to tell her and let her know what my expectations are from the relationship?

At this point, the only thing that's dying hard is you being an AFC. You need to make sure that is killed off completely.

 

[Reykhel]

Was she a big drinker before? Is that the issue?

 

[soulforge]

Was she a big drinker before? Is that the issue?

Yes she was drinking quite alot.. at least 3 times a week..
Since she met me, she has toned it down a little

 

[Reykhel]

Yes she was drinking quite alot.. at least 3 times a week..
Since she met me, she has toned it down a little

If alcohol is the issue and that's not congruent with your lifestyle, then I can understand your
concern. Especially, if, as it seems you alluded to, she went to bars alone...

I wouldn't say anything right now. It is the silly season. People do tend to go overboard during Christmas and New Years...

What I would do is plan the month of January in advance : meaning plan activities with her that don't involve alcohol. Crazy golf, lazer, paint gun, cinema, theatre, comedy club, biking, day in the country, museum, swimming, gym....whatever........plan ahead and show her the lifestyle you want...

If she's hellbent on boozing in the new year and it's not the lifestyle you want.....I would say it once......"you know, I'm not really a bit fan of boozing. It's not the lifestyle I want to live" and change the subject.

She listens, she cares about you more than boozing..

She continues, she cares more about boozing and it's best to walk away.

 

[PeasantPlayer]

I seen where this dude is coming from, although I wouldn't bring it up to here not at this point atleast. Who is 45 and wants to still go to a club? I'm 30 and can't stand clubs, a bar around the neighborhood is fine.

Older women melt is they see a young handsome guy in a bar or club, I have and my boys have nailed a few married and taken women at bars, its happened before and I seen it happen often

 

[parkthebus]

Says a lot if you're worried shell cheat on you.

 

[soulforge]

I seen where this dude is coming from, although I wouldn't bring it up to here not at this point atleast. Who is 45 and wants to still go to a club? I'm 30 and can't stand clubs, a bar around the neighborhood is fine.

Older women melt is they see a young handsome guy in a bar or club, I have and my boys have nailed a few married and taken women at bars, its happened before and I seen it happen often

Well i'm surprised she has asked me to come to a club, she has youngish daughters who drink and party alot.. my guess is she is influenced by them alot..

At her age 45 i wouldn't expect her to want to be out in clubs..

Its defo something i don't want in my life in the long run!

Its her daughters 21st on new years eve, so i am letting it go.. i will go out with her to this club..

But.. at some point soon, i will have to let her know, that its not the life style i want..

She will have to make a choice, either me.. or out boozing with her friends...

 

[parkthebus]

What's your issue with her drinking with her friends?

 

[soulforge]

What's your issue with her drinking with her friends?

Dude bieng out in clubs and bars getting drunk on a regular basis, is not a healthy thing in a commited relationship

 

[parkthebus]

Dude bieng out in clubs and bars getting drunk on a regular basis, is not a healthy thing in a commited relationship

Then tell her you don't in general conversation that you don't want to be with someone who drinks a lot. That's a completely normal thing to say.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The women I see with successful relationships who still go out drinking with their friends will typically cut their evenings a little short and go home to have sex with the man in their life. That's a good compromise. And LTRs are largely about compromise.

 

[soulforge]

The women I see with successful relationships who still go out drinking with their friends will typically cut their evenings a little short and go home to have sex with the man in their life. That's a good compromise. And LTRs are largely about compromise.

I don't really buy into this.. and why do you assume she will 'always' cut her night out short, and go home and have sex with her man?

What if they had an argument on that day? What if they are going through maybe a rough patch in the relationship at that time?

What if some seriously good looking, charming mofo comes along, and she ends up with his penis in her mouth, in her drunken state?

Alcohol and lots of horny people together under one roof.. this mixture often leads to cheating

 

[soulforge]

So when is the right time to have this chat with her?

Before i go this club with her on New Years Eve.. or after the night out???

 

[soulforge]

Then why are you committed to a girl that likes doing that?

To be honest, since we have got into a commited relationship, she has only been out once, to a bar for her daughters birthday..

I have never spoke to her about the issue.. my worry or concern is, she might start going out regular as she used to do, before she met me.

I feel i should be straight and tell her what my expectations are for a relationship.. and let her know clubbing or going to bars regular does not sit well with me

 

[Bible_Belt]