Where do you draw the line between wanting the best for your partner and trying to change her?

[Fela Kuti]

Hello,

For example you want your fiancee to stop smoking or enter therapy for her depression when you get married and she agrees. On one hand marriage is about growing to be a better person but on the other hand people say don't marry potential. So where do you draw the line?

 

[sodbuster]

The only time people change is when THEY want to.... not when YOU want them to. Date one without the issues you don't like. Don't wait for one to change, hope she will AFTER the wedding, AFTER she get's lung cancer, AFTER is like someday. Someday never seems to come

 

[glass half full]

You won't change her. If her friend(s) decide to quit, she might. If someone she knows has health issues from smoking, she might. If you don't want a smoker, find a gal who isn't.
I told my ex after she started again, not to expect me to carry her Oxygen tank for her later in life. Like my older cousin has from smoking. Didn't faze her.

 

[Desdinova]

For example you want your fiancee to stop smoking or enter therapy for her depression when you get married and she agrees. On one hand marriage is about growing to be a better person but on the other hand people say don't marry potential. So where do you draw the line?

You chose to keep this woman with all her defects intact. You must now live with those defects.

If you didn't want a depressed chain smoker, then you should have chosen a different woman who meets your high standards. If you plan on marrying, then you SHOULD have very high standards. If you don't, then you end up in situations like this.

 

[MOTU]

Yea, isn't it Rollo that said you don't build a good relationship, you buy it. Meaning, don't plan on changing your partner.

I think people can change - I have changed. But they have to want it, as someone said above. So be a person that is trying to improve yourself, and attract someone who is likewise always trying to improve herself. Then you can grow together.

 

[ProDJ26]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink

 

[beforeimgone]

Women will change for whomever they love. Science says that It takes approximately sixty days to replace an old habit with a new one.


Basically, Set boundaries and learn to love enforcing them because it will happen often.

 

[Reykhel]

Women will change for whomever they love. Science says that It takes approximately sixty days to replace an old habit with a new one.


Basically, Set boundaries and learn to love enforcing them because it will happen often.

Wishfull thinking. Women's "love" is based on admiration and respect. Women love pragmatically and are
not capable of unconditional love towards a man.

Sure, you can influence her behaviour but you're never going to fundamentally change anyone. If she's a depressive smoker how can I change that by setting boundaries.

Only she can quit her addictions on her own. To try and get involved with changing someone's addictions will lead you straight to insanity. Co-dependency can suck you right in and suck the life out of you. And then when they get better.......they'll probably feel a kind of condescension toward you....the burden of a favor owed.....and will probably respect you less for ignoring your own path.....for to "help" anyone with addictions you're going to get pulled off your own path....

She must overcome her own depression by taking the appropriate action every day. Is she capable? Probably not.

better to throw that fishy back into the toxic waters from wence she came. Plenty of fish in the sea as the old saying goes.....

Why have cotton when you can have silk...

 

[beforeimgone]

Wishfull thinking. Women's "love" is based on admiration and respect. Women love pragmatically and are
not capable of unconditional love towards a man.

Sure, you can influence her behaviour but you're never going to fundamentally change anyone. If she's a depressive smoker how can I change that by setting boundaries.

Only she can quit her addictions on her own. To try and get involved with changing someone's addictions will lead you straight to insanity. Co-dependency can suck you right in and suck the life out of you. And then when they get better.......they'll probably feel a kind of condescension toward you....the burden of a favor owed.....and will probably respect you less for ignoring your own path.....for to "help" anyone with addictions you're going to get pulled off your own path....

She must overcome her own depression by taking the appropriate action every day. Is she capable? Probably not.

better to throw that fishy back into the toxic waters from wence she came. Plenty of fish in the sea as the old saying goes.....

Why have cotton when you can have silk...

I understand what you mean. Everyone has their core personality traits. traits that can't be changed. What I mean is once he has found a female with decent enough core traits then the rest of her can be molded to what ever he desires. Feel me?

-Jaimee

 

[Tenacity]

Hello,

For example you want your fiancee to stop smoking or enter therapy for her depression when you get married and she agrees. On one hand marriage is about growing to be a better person but on the other hand people say don't marry potential. So where do you draw the line?

Ever heard of a guy named Anti-Dump? Search for this posts on here, he says that you should BUY a relationship, not BUILD one. He doesn't mean "buy" literally, what he's referring to is how you would go to a car lot and purchase (buy) a car that's already assembled the way you want it, rather than buying a car that you will have to take home and "build" to be what you want it to be.

I'm not a huge religious person, but the Bible says that he that FINDS a good wife, finds a good thing. The keyword is FIND, which means when you find her you won't have to do too much to change her. She will pretty much be what you need her to be out of the package.

Now, women can change though. You can marry a nice 150lb, long haired, HB 7...who within 5 years might turn into a 250lb, bald head (after she cuts all her hair off), loud mouth, nag.

To be honest with you, marriage is very outdated and doesn't fit in with today's new dating/relationship market. Marriage died in Generation X.

 

[NSX-R]

Giving her less options.