V's life-changing self-improvement, Boot Camp et al Journal

[Violent V]

Hey this past week has been pretty mediocre in terms of girls. The main action came on friday when everyone on our floor from work had a party. I got talking to a few girls i'd never really tried getting to know- but nothing sexual. I have a deep conviction inside me that i i will not get invloved with any girls from work- otherwise it could get messy.

Last night i took a friend of mine who's visiting the country on a tour around the West End. Oxford Street, Piccadily Circus, China Town, Leicester Square, Edgeware Road, the whole lot. We didn't go to any clubs, but i went past a few i have certainly added on my 'to do' list- Cafe de Paris, Cafe Royal and Astoria looked like quality nights out. There were also a lot of spankingly FIT women about. I approached a few, but i wasn't dressed my best and not feeling great, and after getting blown off the first few times, i went a bit AFC.

Guys my focus is starting to redirect massively now. The reason for this thread was to become a DJ, not a PUA. My motivation today is seizes to have anything to do with chasing women. I have been greatly influenced this week by a quote i heard/read somewhere:

Before you try to find the perfect women, focus on becoming the perfect man.

I have dreams and ambitions that i want to fulfill. I have a body i want to sculp, a career i want to persue, a world that i feel i can change. I have things i want to learn- new languages, dancing, playing the guitar, karate. I want to look back and know i served for in the RAF and flew military planes!

What is this waste of time and energy on picking up women? If i persue my real dreams and aspirations, if i focus on truning myself into the man i have always wanted to be, and did the things i have always wanted to do, the women, the riches will take care of itself.

I am 23 very soon. Its time to grow up. While many people are still running around chasing women and cars, I want to find myself scheming and delivering the dreams i've always thought about.

Am i repeating myself again? I have found this thread is a good way of keeping myself motivated on making the real changes i've always wanted to make. Rewriting all this stuff keeps me motivated.

Tomorrow i have a house party to go to hopefully. Before then i will go around London shopping for the clothes i've always wanted to wear. No longer scheduled for the future, the time has come to wear those jeans i've always wanted, work on the body i've always craved of, studying the subject of LAW i've always been fascinated with, becoming the man i've always wanted to become. The girls are irrelevant in all this.

But then what of this fear instilled in me of approaching women? When ever i shun away from the approach, i feel a bit of my masculinity being oppressed. But this is down to confidence, my inner game. And the best way of working on my inner game is working on finding happiness within me, i.e. becoming the man i've always want to be, i.e. persuing my dreams and ambitions!

 

[Violent V]

Hey all its been a long time, but i have been very busy. Since my last post I have bought a new guitar and been practicing, have signed up for Spanish and French language classes, and treated myself to some expensive but very nice clothes to replace the cheap rubbish i have been wearing.

I will look into start studying Law next summer simply because i want to more time to prepare for the course and need to save up some money first. I have also been working on my budget in order to find and afford my own place by this time next year.

The future looks good, but two points of my world have not seen as much progress or improvement recently as i would have liked.

he first is my fitness and healthy eating. It is becoming very clear that i need to start another journal in the other forum here tracking my progress. I have already tried kicking off diet and exercise changes in my life, but keep being tempted into junk food and find myself unmotivated to go to the gym. Hopefully keeping track here and having people to answer for will make me more motivated.

My focus has certainly switched off women and onto my own life. However, women are still a part of a man's world?

Looking back now i have made significant steps in this area. Just this Saturday night i was dancing with a few girls again at a bar again. Part of my newjob is also to talk to a customers/other members of the company on the phone regularly whom i have never met before. And the majority of these are girls. It is really aiding my communication skills with women, and i am feeling more confident talking to girls now- and in some cases striking up friendships with them to the point of facebook adds.

However, my niggle is i am no where near stepping out of my comfort zone and approaching girls I like cold. I am still in fa bit of fear and selfconcious instead of not caring and focusing on fun. I am struggling to implement the 3-second rule to my life in general, not just with girls.

Ignoring and running away from the problem doesn't help. I have not had any serious goals set with regards to improving this area of my life since i abandoned bootcamp, and as a result i am no where near where i should be after 46 posts here.

So bootcamp is officially back on! I am commiting to it again. My goal is to approach and close one girl a day. Week 4, but my way.

I won't go out of my way though to do this. Its just somthing i am looking to improve on/do as i go about my day investing my time doing the things i've always wanted to do/learn.

 

[Violent V]

I have recently thought hard about the topic of FRIENDS. It is has been hard for me to accept this, but i have learnt that i really do not have any real friends. What do i mean by real? I mean a comrade.

It is painful, but i am realising that probably every *friend* I know really doesn't actually care about me, or has no real love for me. I often find myself chasing these people up to stay in order to tag along to whatever it is they are planning to do.

The reason for my existence in their lives? To use me for something.

Where was he a couple of years ago when that gang surrounded me and beat me when i was robbed? He had ran off.

Where were they saturday night when i was on my own looking for them at the bar? They were on their way home.

Where were they when the bouncers didn't let me into the club? They had already gone in and didn't look back. One other night they all took a taxi home and forgot i was with them.

I am talking about a wide spread of friends here. I am finding myself more and more distant to friends i used to call 'close'. Recently i have been waiting on his text all day after i made plans to link him, only for him to text that night telling me he forgot about our plans. Another *friend* i asked to let me know his plans one night. He never got back to me, or seemed to care. Tonght no one got back to me regarding a club they were all planning on going to.

When i find a miss call or text on my phone i do my best to get back to those people as soon as possible. 'Maybe they have plans they are inviting me to' is what i generally hope. And i am almost always available for those plans. But if i drop a miss call or text for a someone I find its 50-50 they will get back to me on that. This is what i am dealing with. And its not just my friends. My brother has started doing it as well. Ignoring me. Not respecting my existence.

I am not ashamed to say i am feeling very emotional about this all. Its somethingi have really opened my eyes to recently. I am approaching 23 and have no real friends. Everyone has comrades except me. I mean EVERYONE i can think of. A buddy, someone they rely on each other, to hang around with and do most things with. People who they are at complete ease with. Some are even inseperable. Road dogs. Crews. Peeps. Me? I am a desperate tagger-along.

Honestly what really counts is the love between people, and how much somebody cares about you. My decision is to abandon the people who i feel are using me and don't really care about me. Who couldn't really, truely care less. Who use me. MOST PROBABLY ALL MY FRIENDS FALL INTO THIS CATEGORY. Most probably everyone of my friends. But i will no longer waste my time where i am not valued, no longer work on maintaining a friendship with someone who does not value mine.

I am leaving the past. Friends come and go. The precious few are the ones who will try to maintain a friendship with me. And to them i will try to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle in order to keep them.

For the next few months or so I feel i am going to be a loner. BUt i feel its for the best. If people can advise me on how make friends who really care about you and whom you can rely on through the bad, I am welcome to you opinions.

Take care guys.

 

[The Bat]

Hey bro definitely start up a journal again and develop a good workout/diet plan. Out of curiosity, what are your fitness goals? Losing/adding weight? Fat/skinny? Etc...

As far as friends issues, I understand where you're coming from. And I'm not saying this to make you feel better. I have been where you are right now. I had always been that tagger along guy who nobody really cared for whether or not he was there.

The way I turned it around was that I took some time off from these friends. I went and hung out with other people on the side while being in sporadic contact with the old friends. I think that lasted close to a year, and when I came back on the scene, so to speak, the old friends had changed their behavior towards me. They started really caring for me and told me how much they missed having me around and etc....

Although they still care about me to this day, I don't think I'll ever forget the way I was treated before. I have forgiven them, so to speak, but stuff like this is hard to forget. I use that to my advantage though by keeping myself in check everytime I start becoming that tagger along guy again. Nowadays, it's very rare that plans are made without consulting me. Not to sound like an arrogant prick, but I work in conjunction with other "alphas" and create a hangout plan that everybody can enjoy.

What you got to do is take charge. And say what's on your mind. Sometimes your friends might NOT be trying to act cold towards you...they just figure that since you don't care, they're not responsible for anything. And think about it dude. If you *thought* you were treating somebody badly, but they didn't react and told you it was cool, wouldn't you go, "Phew...I thought they would've been mad..."?

My point is, sometimes people aren't aware of your feelings and aren't perspective enough. You have to let them know that you're not cool when they leave you alone at a bar. Or when they forget about you. Etc...

And you got to take charge by making plans. At least take the initiative to call up some people and go, "Hey, let's all get together and do X..." If they forget about the said plans, then....damn it, get mad! How dare they disrespect your decisions like that? Just don't come off pouty...come off ****y & funny (i'm serious bro) and tease your friends about their dumbass memory...

Don't worry about being alone for few months. You have to learn to live alone to truly understand and know yourself better. You will discover your faults, shortcomings quicker alone than you will being attached to somebody (girl, friend, parent, sibling, etc...) And guess what? You will develop a stronger willpower by making those changes about your shortcomings quicker when alone....because nobody will be there to push you but yourself only...

Good luck bro. :rockon:

 

[Violent V]

Bat.... what can i say, you've hit the nail right on the head.

The problems in my life are not the women's, or the 'friend's' or anyone else's fault- it all comes down to me.

I think my problems come mostly down to my own lack of self respect and confidence. These friends were made in the past. They were made when i was a nice guy. I took no initiative then, did not try to offend, did not have confidence in my own views or voice, and have thus ended up the afc tagger along. The right thing to do is certainly to break free, be alone, become comfortable and confident with myself first, before hanging around with these guys again.

Another point i should make about friends. Most of them are 'friends' because the circumstances pitted me with these guys:
he happened to sit next to me in class;
he lived round the corner from me;
we walked the same route to school;
she worked with me;
I was paired to live with him/them when moving into a new house blind etc.

Rather than being social, talking to EVERYONE, and picking my friends, i was shy, nice and let whatever circumstance i was dealt with dictate who i would end up talking to and hanging around with. A similar story is starting to emerge at my work place. I only really hang around with people in my team rather than socializing and making friends with people on other teams and desks.

One more important thing to say is that I believe almost all these guys are afcs, and the sort of company i don't want to keep or be associated with. I am who i hang out with. The crowd i bring. My crowd will in the future be don juans and secure, assertive lovers of life rather than the insecure, narcissistic, and self interested boys who spend their time and money, and think being successful is having a girlfriend or getting married or having x amount of money.

Anyway while i am here, today i passed up two wonderful opportunities to talk to HB girls. two got on the bus this morning, we locked eyes, they sat further away from me, and then moved down the bus and sat just infront of me (it was an empty bus).

At the bus stop on the way back a HB blonde started walking around me. My gut told me she wanted me to talk to her. 3 loud boys, music playing loud and clowning around unsensistively, came around and started looking at her. The best they could muster was 'you're gorgeous'. They followed me to the upper deck, while she stayed on the lower deck, and they kept saying 'im gonna talk to her'. One made it up to the stairs going back down, but turned round again and came and sat down. That was the best they could do. Men have become such AFCs and their sexuality so badly repressed it.

I was angry i didn't talk to these girls. I used that anger to put in one of my best shifts at the gym this evening. My anger and regret is not based on not talking to the girl- its based more on my continued rejection of my nature, my concious rejection of my wants and desires, not following my heart, or being myself. Still being fearful. Still repressing my sexuality. God dammit V just talk to the girl!

Its easy to sit here and say i will implement 3 second rule, but in the heat of the moment you really do forget.

Anyway, I have learnt a lot today, and hopefully i can equip this experience to make tomorrow more successful.

 

[Violent V]

This is no approach journal yet guys. Its more like a failure-to-approach journal, and im about to give you some more missed opportunities. Today God put every girl i have seen and been interested on the way to work in my path to test my progress.

I told myself last night i was determined to talk to this hot asian girl with a tight ass who sits on my bus and actually works in the same building as me. We both sort of know we are going the same way, and I know can have her, but i just can't get myself to talk to her.

And today was the clearest opportunity. She sat on the seat in the bus parralel to me, on her own. What can i say? I cannot imagine other peeps on this forum even hesitating to sit next to her and start gaming her.

It got worse. One arab hottie who usually comes onto the bus with her friend came on her own and sat near me. No action. Then two hot schoolgirls came on and sat further up, looked down towards me, giggled between themselves and soon enough were around me. No action.

It gets worse. Please listen to this one. Theres this one hot girl who is always on my bus, both to and from work, who is always hanging out with her little schoolgirl sister and gets off the bus to drop her off at school. I saw them on another bus overtaking us, and they were both already smiling at me when i caught sight of them on the upper deck. I thought to myself okaaaay.... and thought nothing more of it.

15 minutes later, the hot girl got on my now-practically-empty bus on her own- she had obviously dropped her sister off. I looked up at her, she looked at me in the eyes and smiled warmly, and sat down right next to me in silence. No phone, no ipod, nothing. She put her self on a plate for me, i really had no excuses here. If you want obvious, there is your definition. And i turned it away. Of all the opportunites passed up, this one is infuriating me- and most probably you- the most.

One the way back from spanish lessons, i passed a beer garden and immediately noticed 4 nice girls sitting on the bench. They certainly noticed me- they all turned around from the uneasiest of angles and looked. I count this as a missed opportunity.

I did try and talk to a HB from work on the way home though. She overtook me, I overtook her by a fair couple of minutes thanks to traffic lights, and she somehow caught up with me! I told she is a fast walker, or maybe im a slow walker. She smiled as nervously as i had made the comment. I reminded myself from this interaction that whatever feeling you put into women, and people i.e. afcs in general, you get back out. I was nervous, thus she was uneasy.

What seperates me from where i will eventually be is the willingness to get rejected, crash and burn. I am on the path, but i am not crossing this obstacle. Sooner or later i must in order to stop becoming nervous and uptight, and desperate with desire around women.

This week i have been focusing on trying to believe in myself that i am much better than most men and people in the world. Many people you meet and pass in the street are isolated, boring, afc, insecure, unambitous, driven/happy to persue money and material women and objects.

I am beginning to look down on almost everyone in my workplace. Many of their aims are simply to progress and promote in the company. Like a slave ship they are taken to and brought from work on the bus/train. They spend their time all day from 9-5 on computers, processing repetitive and boring work that is simply another part of the process of helping make this company and its directors millions, billions of dollars.

Many of them have been working here for as long as eight years. One has been working their for twenty. A lot of them have been here for two years, all of them are talking of getting promoted to another role in the company. I will not be here in two years time. The cannot imagine letting my days and time go to waste like this for another two years. I am more ambitious than this. I have a lot more potential than this.

The middle-aged people in this office are married parents who flirt with each other/openly talk about affairs with other people, and even knowing that their own partners are having affairs.

The young people in this office- people my age- are not people i want to really call friends. Every friday night they head to pub or bar and drink it dry.
-The girls are notorious for getting pssed when ever they get the opportunity.
-The guys are isolated and insecure. They talk about the latest lego game on the xbox and playstation, and wrestling. They all smoke.
-One of them walks around like a ****y player. And you know my opinion of players is they are as insecure as afcs. Its time to grow up.
-One in my team is obsessed with the idea of being manly and macho. He's in the army, he goes on and on about his dad, tough guy and triathlons, talks about doing does insane exercises every night, cuts his hair short, rides a motorbike, snipes vegeterians and always goes for the steak, chicken or burger option. But hes 26 now, still lives with his parents, and keeps going on about 'when i get my girl'. Its actually pretty pathetic how insecure he really is, and won't ever know it.
-My manager is the most afc guy you will ever meet. Never willing to offend. He apologises for even the slightest touch. Hes been here for about 10 years, he lives with a guy in a shared apartment and is 30. He talks to his mum constantly on the phone.
-Then we've got the ****y french guy who moved to Britain 4 years ago, and is obsessed with trying to be British because he loves it here so much. UK guys reading this will laugh. He loves this country so much he joined the RAF to 'give something back'. He always wears his England rugby top. Hes just moved into a flat by the London Bridge. He says he feels patriotic when he watches the proms. How pathetic.
- Then there is the new guy who tries to scrape in to whatever computer everyone crowds around hands-in-pockets, and keeps talking about how he linked up with this girl who he has admitted has already stood him up twice. Nothing more needs to be said.

I can understand now how much society has taught us to hate ourselves. We are insecure to the point of sometimes no return, and within each of us is this struggle to fight off the depression and emptiness that has dominated our conciousness. Most people mask it with a completely new persona- the complete opposite of they feel. They feel proud and better when they become masters at picking up girls or achieving some sort of high social or financial status. Others give in and sometimes resort to suicide. I am trying to fight it head on.

I urge you all to download and listen to a Don Juan musician who is the music underground's answer to Pook. Two songs i recommend for introduction: Crimes of the heart, and Reverse Pimpology. His name is Immortal Technique. You'll be hooked on his lyrics don juans. You have been warned.

Peace.

 

[Violent V]

Hi DonS I have no problem talking to strangers; I guess like a lot of guys here i get tense and put stupid pressure on myself when an opportunity arises to talk to a girl i am attracted to.

A lot od what happened the other day happened again today. So i won't repeat myself.

The source is of all this is of course my desperation and desire. They are immedietely up on the pedestal, i think hard about how to impress them and what to say, and it all of course leads to inaction.

I don't even know why i stress so much. I should really stop caring and start acting.

I already know the solution lies in ME: find happiness and approval in myself before searching for the affections of others. I am on my way to building up my self value and confidence, but don't think at the moment i should even try and be dr. smooth when inside i am currently feeling empty and sad.

It realy is like a big cycle isn't it. The dark side and the bright side. Change is hard, especially when its a circle, and i am struggling to break free. Once i find that source of confidence and self value, once my self-image changes for the better, i think a lot of things will fall into place.

For now i need to crash and burn as much as i can before i start succeeding. What is holding me back is fear, and thats something only i can overcome personally. Heres to that b!tch called fear, you will not hold me back tomorrow!!!

 

[Violent V]

How many times have i repeated myself on here about changing within. I am two months into this journal and am frustrated I haven't made anywhere near an acceptable amount of progress.

Perhaps i should stop talking and start applying these changes. I understand at the moment i've got no reasons to feel confident and look down on others. I feel like a broken hearted. What is the path to enlightenment?

There is too much theory going down here, too many goals being set, and hardly anything being actually accomplished. I will be defined by what i DO, not what i SAY i will do.

Lets break it down a bit and start taking baby steps. Tomorrow i will at least smile and say hi to girls i like.

 

[Violent V]

Its been almost 2 weeks since i came here! Sorry..

DonS i really appreciate your input, and i know exactly what you mean. I just need that final push to take me. I can't even believe something so natural has become such a personal battle.

I have clearly not been feeling great about myself, and have been focusing too much on gaining the affections of stranger women rather than making happy the life of the only person who actually gives a FCUK about me: i.e. ME.

I decided to take some time off beating myself up here and take a break from this all. Focus on me for a bit. It has helped me alot. I feel refreshed and energized and I've also grown incredibly. I have been reading THE POWER OF NOW and am learning how to disassociate myself from my mind's thinking, movies and voice, and simply being at peace. Its incredible and i am well on my way to being that positive, peaceful and appreciative person i outlined in my first post and throughout this journal.

IN terms of getting fit i am making progress here. I am still pushing the ball but it should start rolling and becoming a habit if i keep pushing.

As for the girls i have taken a step back and stopped 'chasing' and placing such a heavy emphasis on greeting/chatting every girl that i can. And it feels amazing, like a weight off my shoulder, a load off my brain. I've also found that girls are starting to open up to me a bit more in terms of body language and interest levels. But what good is it when its not being followed up?

Today the hottest girl in our class found herself sitting next to me. It didn't start off well, i didn't really speak to her, but we eventually paired up and had fun. I didn't come across as afc, but i don't think i came across as super confident hot guy either.

I will come back to the girls soon, but first and formost its about getting my own house in order befoe i actually invite anyone in. And at the moment i am enjoying this break!

 

[Violent V]

Okay i think i am ready to set off again. Its 8 months since i set my targets. Its a year since i dedicated myself to seriously start losing some weight and adding some muscle.

March 24th Goals:

-Down to my perfect BMI weight of 11 stone. Plus much nicer, chiselled body
-Dating, Sleeping and closing women left, right and centre,
-My mind will be conditioned to that of the most successful people in the world
-Senor Fingers will be so proud of the Social Butterfly i have become
-Employed, financially independent, eating WHAT I WANT and not the crap takeaways i am being forced to eat, and in my own apartment.

Progress:

-Currently 14 stone. Not lost any weight really since i made that goal.
-Not dated anyone yet. I have talked to and got invloved with more women then at any point before in my life.
-Still feeling emptiness and unfortunately depression, although not as bad. I do know the source of it is that i am not progressing with my goals as well as i should be.
-Not really a social butterfly at all- this is linked to the goal above. In fact I have never felt so lonely before in my life. My closest friends and even my brother have all become distant from me. On the plus side, it gives me the opportunity to be more with myself, and start feeling comfertable doing things alone.
-I am now employed thank God, and am saving up to move out next year and be responsible for me.

I will now start pasting and reading my goals at the beginning of every post to keep me focused. Too many times i was getting distracted and jumping on one target to another every week. There needs to be definition for this self-improvement thread, a main purpose.

Here are my revised goals:

+Target weight of 10 stone. Currently 14 stone. Less fat, more muscle.

-How? Exercise: Morning runs/cardio before Work 5 times a week. Evenings consist of Weights, football, weights, salsa, weights, martial arts.
Diet: Decide a set amount of calories to eat everyday for the week depending on where my calroie maintanence level is. My current target is not to go over 2500 cals a day. All my food will now be coming from a good source, i.e. protein: raw meat, fat: nuts, fish oil, carbs: brown carbs and vegs.

+The women/becoming a social butterfly/Alpha. Target is to eventually become as good with women/strangers as some of the great people who have been contributing to this thread. Currently, i have not really ever dated a women before. Eventually, i will be making friends with people i have just like they were long lost brothers, and sleeping with strange beautiful women on the day i meet them like some of you folks!

-How? Firstly to become comfertable enough around strangers and women to simply have fun rather than sweating so much over what i say and how i come across. As you can see, it ultimately all comes down to me. I will give bootcamp another shot, starting tonight.

+Key to the goal above i.e. outer game, is my inner game. Target: Be at peace in myself and become positive and assertive unconciously. Become more confident in myself, increase my self esteem and self worth.

-How? A lot of this will come down to how much i am achieving my goals and growing in life. But the other half is down to how i think and how my mind processes and works. This half requires 'brain training/exercise': changing my self image, instinctively becoming positive and more at peace by not thinking so damn much! Its training i will be doing every morning and afternoon.

+To move out, get a place of my own, set out a plan for my career and what my dreams and goals are. ake responsibility for my life and its direction.

-How? First to save up enough to move out and live on my own. My current job brings in the money, and there are great opportunities to move up, but its not somewhere i want to be in three years time. I'd like to start working in the city in a couple of years, and am considering law, and eventually coming back to my area and giving back to the community that raised me.

I will assess my progress at the end of each month, and set new targets for the following month.

 

[Violent V]

+Target weight of 10 stone. Currently 14 stone. Less fat, more muscle.
+The women/becoming a social butterfly/Alpha. Target is to eventually become as good with women/strangers as some of the great people who have been contributing to this thread. Currently, i have not really ever dated a women before. Eventually, i will be making friends with people i have just like they were long lost brothers, and sleeping with strange beautiful women on the day i meet them like some of you folks!
+inner game. Target: Be at peace in myself and become positive and assertive unconciously. Become more confident in myself, increase my self esteem and self worth.
+To move out, get a place of my own, set out a plan for my career and what my dreams and goals are. ake responsibility for my life and its direction.

From now Until November 30th:
+ Get down to 13 stone. 5 morning runs a day, followed by more exercise in the evening i.e. wieghts, football etc

+Bootcamp week one and two, but GIRLS ONLY! Eye contact and greet 50 women, and talk to 10 strange ones by the end of the month. I already talked at length with one hb yesterday, and tongiht i will have the chance to get started on this one.

+Live by the question of 'who would i be if i lived without any fear of consequences?'. Also get used to the idea of changing pictures and movies in my mind to ones that help me be more resourceful rather than in fear.

+Keep saving up. Set out my ambitions and things i want to do in my life time. Get hair laser treatment to get rid of this stubble growing on my cheeks!!!

It starts tonight. Peace. :rockon:

 

[Violent V]

+ Get down to 13 stone. 5 morning runs a day, followed by more exercise in the evening i.e. wieghts, football etc

-Saturdays are my days off in terms of exercise/diet.

Today i played football all day, starting at 10am ad finishing 6pm. In terms of food/diet, not the best of starts- i couldn't say no to mac cheese lunch with salad when i should have really gone for the jacket potato and tuna. I did have 10 oranges though, and drank 4 litres of water.

+Bootcamp week one and two, but GIRLS ONLY! Eye contact and greet 50 women, and talk to 10 strange ones by the end of the month. I already talked at length with one hb yesterday, and tongiht i will have the chance to get started on this one.

Last night was cool. Really started talking to girls i know but haven't seen in literally years. Great to catch up. In the club (we went to a club at the end of Oxford street, right next to Tottenham Court Road station), it was all hippy girls.

I started off slowly but eventually got in the mood and started willin' out, dancing like a kid and making fun of strangers around me in a playful way, really becoming the life of our group. Most of these guys were boring and just dancing in the same spot. I was running around and doing things spontaneously... Unfortunately, most of the strangers i made fun and interacted with were guys.

Like i have said before, i have absolutely no problem talking to, or even taking the psss out of stranger guys. I have absolutely no fear because i DON'T CARE. This is where i have a problem with girls. I DO care what they think because i am desperate for her approval/sex/interaction.

I did try and talk to this chick who sat next to me with her friends, but it tunred into an interview. I was doing my best to ask open questions, but she would keep giving closed answers. So i decided to take the pss and keep questioning her. I learnt something from this- when i realise a girl is not interested, i stop caring. Until i get this signal, i still care, and thus am not loose, open and fun.

The highlight of the night was my first ever cold approach and number close!!!
Everyone went out for a fag, so i joined them. This hot middle east chick was walking past eating chips. I walked straight over without thinking, recklessly, and asked if i could have some. She said there was chilli sauce, to which i replied I love chilly sauce. Then she asked if I wanted to share the food with her, so we walked to the side and started eating and talking. She was feeding me with her fork while i listened to her talk.

We must have talked for ages, i found out where she worked, where she was from, what she was studying. The converstion eventually went on to politics, something she seemed really passionate about. She said how she used to go out with this rich guy but left him because he was greedy and not a good person.

A few times i really thought about ending it as i knew i should end it first, but i was enjoying the conversation too much as we were so comfortable. In the end she said her bus coming and she had to go, and i said i wanted to meet her again. She said sorry, my bf etc, and i said cool.

+Live by the question of 'who would i be if i lived without any fear of consequences?'. Also get used to the idea of changing pictures and movies in my mind to ones that help me be more resourceful rather than in fear.

Work in progress!!

+Keep saving up. Set out my ambitions and things i want to do in my life time. Get hair laser treatment to get rid of this stubble growing on my cheeks!!!

 

[Violent V]

+ Get down to 13 stone. 5 morning runs a day, followed by more exercise in the evening i.e. wieghts, football etc

- I went to bed late last night and thus was too tired to get up this morning and go gym. I did go after work though and had a good workout. 30 mins run, followed by 30 mins weight session.

I hope to head to the gym tomorrow morning and after work, but its getting late again and i am writing this up!

+Bootcamp week one and two, but GIRLS ONLY! Eye contact and greet 50 women, and talk to 10 strange ones by the end of the month. I already talked at length with one hb yesterday, and tongiht i will have the chance to get started on this one.

-Another day, another conversation with stranger girl. This one wasn't a real HB, but she i struck a conversation as i knew she was walking to work as well. She was real fun and talked about her weekend getting drunk at the club.

I also said hi to this HB i got to know at work for a few days a few months ago. Remember her? I haven't talked to her or said hi since i walked with her from work. But we were reunited in this work training thing on friday with about 20 other girls. My gut feeling is she is interested.

I sensed a great interest in me from a HB receptionist at my gym for the first few days i saw her. Today however i could sense the interest was gone... it was an almost 'whatever' attitude, no smiles or fixed interested eyes like she was showing the first few days. Now that i sense it, i don't care anymore whereas today i did over what impression i was making.

Going back to the point i made yesterday:

I have absolutely no fear because i DON'T CARE. This is where i have a problem with girls. I DO care what they think because i am desperate for her approval/sex/interaction.

I just remembered Pook's post Kill That Desperation.

+Live by the question of 'who would i be if i lived without any fear of consequences?'. Also get used to the idea of changing pictures and movies in my mind to ones that help me be more resourceful rather than in fear.

-Whilst I am trying to get this 'live without fear' idea as part of my identity, it is not consistent enough. Practice Practice Practice!

+Keep saving up. Set out my ambitions and things i want to do in my life time. Get hair laser treatment to get rid of this stubble growing on my cheeks!!!

-Inside of me there is a great battle about where my future lies. The path ahead of me is a fork. One is to become selfish greedy, sell my soul and go against my beliefs and values. I believe in my potential to make a great career for myself and become successful in life in terms of money. The other is to stand up for my values, and become more spiritual. Deep down i know I am a socialist, and if i could afford to i would dedicate a significant amount of my time helping those less fortunate than me, those who suffer injustice. This is my passion.

I am extremely interested in doing law, and probably will. But do i use my new found skills to become a corporate *****, first with large firms then as a politician whilst reaping financial benefits; or do i come back and give back to the community by helping out those who really need my help but can't afford it.

Until i can settle this battle, my future remains undecided.

 

[Violent V]

+ Get down to 13 stone. 5 morning runs a day, followed by more exercise in the evening i.e. wieghts, football etc

-Got to the gym again today despite a suden great lack of motivation. The 'do it tomorrow' effect was coming over my mind again, but i forced myself in and did a short workout.

I hope to get to the gym tomorrow morning AND evening.

+Bootcamp week one and two, but GIRLS ONLY! Eye contact and greet 50 women, and talk to 10 strange ones by the end of the month. I already talked at length with one hb yesterday, and tongiht i will have the chance to get started on this one.

Damn it feels good being so positive and saying hi to everyone, even when they don't respond. Its amazing how anti-social people really are.

I can't figure out this receptionist gym girl. Today she was looking in my eyes again, smiling and asking about my day. I didn't even say bye though when i left, I ain't chasing no girl anymore.

I passed up an opportunity with a HB on the bus today. She sat next to me, but looked pretty pssed off ir stuck up. Oh well.

I am so proud of the progress I am making. 8 months ago I was struggling to look girls in the eye. Now if theres a HB knocking around I have no hesitation talking to them, albeit my desperation is still getting in the way. I hope to reach a point where without thinking or hesitating, i simply do not care what she thinks anymore and will approach/talk regardless.

I've also read somewhere that if you lock eyes with a girl and she looks down, she is submitting and wants you to talk. If its true, then i've noticed a lot of girls are doing this; where i used to take it as a sign of disinterest for so many years, they are in fact submitting themselves in hope that i don't fear approaching them... any opinions on this?

+Live by the question of 'who would i be if i lived without any fear of consequences?'. Also get used to the idea of changing pictures and movies in my mind to ones that help me be more resourceful rather than in fear

I have noticed that around people i don't know or know i will not meet again, I am at my most confident and without fear. It is around people who i know are going to become a part of my life, e.g. new workmates, and even my parents, that i become shy and go into a shell. I am sure this is not normal for most people.

I think my main problem with women is that every HB i meet i want or hope, no AM DESPERATE that they become a part of my life, and this instantly makes me go in this shell. After all they will know me for a long time, so i can't risk offending them by being my natural real me can I?

+Keep saving up. Set out my ambitions and things i want to do in my life time. Get hair laser treatment to get rid of this stubble growing on my cheeks!!!

I am starting to lean more towards a future where there is money to be made. Yes it is greedy and goes against my beliefs, but the other route is i think a bit too optimistic and utopian. I wish i had the financial stability or confidence to risk my time on my amazing creative talents instead whilst highlighting injustices in the world, and not only do something i like and consider a passion, but also surely become very successful in life by using it.

Peace

 

[AmpleReason]

Wish I had more excuse to get into London. I live on the outskirts near Heathrow and it's an hour or so train ride to Waterloo so not really difficult. Worst is the last train home is quite early. My sister lives in Twickenham and when I go there I know it's somewhere I'd like. I'd love to live in the city itself though, you are lucky in that respect, so many interactions daily.
Where I am I'm lucky to bump into one fit bird a week let alone a day, working in Slough is crap

Sales are quiet today so I've spent the day throwing an American football around the office, practising my putting technique and playing guitar, but also just read through you're whole read top to bottom. It's good to know I'm not the only one in that situation, pretty much exactly the same except I'm a few years up on you.

Desire is key right...You get the desire and when you want something enough you'll get that something. Desire and Faith. I'm reading "Think and Grow Rich" you can apply it to anything I'm sure.

Keep it up though chap If anything it's a good read for my when I'm bored at work.

 

[NewJack]

wow, great journal man! great to see you manifesting positive change.

congratulations

 

[Violent V]

Hey guys thanks for the encouragement. I was thinking about how far i've come after another successful day today, but there is a long way to go yet. Just look at my boy's jOn or RD, even Pook and Fingerz, thats the level of turnaround i'm aiming for.

+ Get down to 13 stone. 5 morning runs a day, followed by more exercise in the evening i.e. wieghts, football etc

- More gym work yesterday and today. Yesterday it was cardio and weights, today it was cardio and swimming. Tomorrow I will take my day off because I will be hitting the bars and pubs in Central London but i will get back to schedule on Saturday.

The diet is going really well, Branflakes in the morning, lunch consisting of even combination of protein, salad and carbs (either rice or bread), fruit for snacks, 2-4L of water a day and protein/veg dinner with little if any carbs.

Actually yesterday I had a Jacket Potato with chicken and salad for dinner while watching the England match, but hey it won't kill plus I am back on track again today!

+Bootcamp week one and two, but GIRLS ONLY! Eye contact and greet 50 women, and talk to 10 strange ones by the end of the month.

-More conversation with strangers I would never have considered talking to. Talked to three different guys in the steam room today. I am also saying hi to so many strangers, guys and girls, now. I love this feeling of being free of social anxiety.

This 'your invsible' BS really is pathetic and its not something i am willing to contribute to anymore. Whoeever does at me, pretending i am invisible- and there are a lot of people doing it- I mean its so anti-social and pathetic. They are trapped in their own little world of make believe and fake reality.

Coming into work i found myself with the blonde bombshell HB9 in an elevator with a few people, and i completely chickened it. Couldn't bring myself to say anything other than 'Hey'. I was so angry with myself and vowed to make amends on the way home. This is not CHANGE, and my DESIRE to succeed overcame me.

So when home time came i waited until i saw her coming round the corner and set off towards the exit she was heading. And at the most inconvienient of times my workmate caught up with me. As i walked down the stairs, he followed behind me trying to conversate, and behind him the HB9 on her own.

Once he'd finished what he was saying or shut up for breath I looked behind him and greeted her by her name. As soon as my workmate saw the HB behind him he went into his shell. She asked about me, I asked about her, and as we walked out she stopped and started talking to her mates. I walked on, and thought to myself that i would never have done that a few months ago...

Another of my mates caught up with me, and we started talking. I then noticed the HB was walking fast further behind trying to catch up with me! She eventually caught up, but I am not desperate for her attention or her and gave my full attention to my friend who was talking to me. She did not overtake, rather hung around me before eventually turning a corner and went her usual way home.

I have given up with this gym receptionist today and if anything it has all taught me something: do not try and second guess women! I shall go about my business and if a girl is interested then she can let me know by flirting.

Tomorrow hopefully will cross paths again and talk to her properly. If not then oh well I am going into Central London with some workmates and look forward to socialising there as well.

+Live by the question of 'who would i be if i lived without any fear of consequences?'. Also get used to the idea of changing pictures and movies in my mind to ones that help me be more resourceful rather than in fear

-I fully understand now that all this thinking i do, all this theory and dreaming and how to act and behave and prepare and what to say and what to do and this and that and the other is exactly how a girl's mind work and is completely unnatural for me.

My mind will really be at peace when i am thinking more like a guy, i.e. not thinking at all! Rather just doing doing doing. When some one lies I just come out and call his bs without thinking. When i see an attractive girl i approach without contemplation or hesitation. I believe the 3-second rule needs to be applied by guys, or my mind at least to everything while conciouss in order to start behaving more unconciously.

Posing the question 'who am/how would i behave really if i lived without any fear?' is one way of getting into that mindset. Giving your full attention to the present NOW moment is another. I am practising but i should be more consistent with this by this time next week.

+Keep saving up. Set out my ambitions and things i want to do in my life time. Get hair laser treatment to get rid of this stubble growing on my cheeks!!!

 

[Violent V]

+ Get down to 13 stone. 5 morning runs a day, followed by more exercise in the evening i.e. wieghts, football etc

-Yo yesterday was my day off and i really did treat myself to the point where i was actually feeling guilty. I really did overcompensate, check out it out:

Little if any exercise...dancing at the club? A quick 2 minute jog to the train station?

Food:

Coco pops
Cheesburger
I whole Pizza
Custard
Hot Dog
1 slice of Pizza
Noodles
Rice
Chinese chicken
and a lot of alchol!

My week starts again today. Back to the usual routine everyday:

(30 mins cardio + weights + Branflakes in the morning, lunch consisting of even combination of protein, salad and carbs (either rice or bread), fruit for snacks, 2-4L of water a day and protein/veg dinner with little if any carbs.)

I will weigh myself monday but i can tell my body has got trimmer.

+Bootcamp week one and two, but GIRLS ONLY! Eye contact and greet 50 women, and talk to 10 strange ones by the end of the month. I already talked at length with one hb yesterday, and tongiht i will have the chance to get started on this one.

-Today was perhaps the most productive bootcamp day i think i have ever had. All day i was saying hello and talking to guys and girls I actually lost count how many strangers i spoke to.

The highlights/recollection were:

-Started talking to this old guy on the bus home for about 40 mins. The man has lived everywhere: From Spain, bred in Columbia, worked in Miami, now London. We got on really well and it felt great talking to people you've only just met.

-Started talking to this guy on the train into London. He was from Ireland. We talked about the Prem games today. Hes going up to watch his beloved Villa play Man U today. Good guy.

-Started talking to this HB bar girl. I've learnt that most bar girls are just being friendly and are paid to talk to you/serve you (or maybe its just me?). But this one got to the point where she had forgotten my change she was holding in her hand or to serve the waiting customers and was just talking to me. I had bought my friend a drink and by the time we stopped talking his drink had gone warm!

She lives in the rival estates opposite the ones i used to live in (my family 'got out' of that hood when i was finishing primary school but i still know people living that area.)!

I told her to meet me this morning in the cafe next to mcdonalds and we can catch up since i'll be in that area. She asked if i wanted a lift back home when she finishes as she is driving and i told her to come and hang with me and my friends for a while and then i will go with her. She asked what time i am finishin and also said i don't know anyone there and i said 'but you know me'. She hesitated but said okay. I didn't see her for the rest of the night too busy having fun and really should have got her number. Oh well, if she shows up when i am having breakfast then i will get her number then.

-Started talking to my mates HB who honestly just couldn't take her eyes off me when i first showed up in the pub. She was even taking silly pictures of me with her camera. I got talking. Turns out shes just moved from Wales, blah blah I can't really remember the rest. It didn't last long and our interest in each other faded after that but hell a couple of months ago i would have been too shy to sit next to a girl interested in me and talk to her.

Looking back now i should have acknowledged her eye contact when she just kept looking in my direction. Given her a funky silly wave or wink to say 'yea i know your looking at me, and i am looking at you!' The conversation also made me realise I really need to working on my conversation skills. To many times girls are mad interested in me until i open my mouth and start talking to them. Its all questions like where are you from? work you blah blah I feel like I am interviewing them rather than having fun. I am not creative enough.

-Really mad flirting/having fun with this aussie girl who showed up with my mate. We were slappig each other, hugging each other, sharing a lollipop and eventually dancing. She was good fun.

-We ended up going to some club On Anon in Piccadilly Circus. There we mainly danced but i did open up two chicks sitting on their own, something i NEVER could have done a few months ago. Told me they went to some uni, and i said i used to as well just to let the loosen up a bit as they seemed a bit closed off at first. They have from cyprus to study here and throughout the conversation i started teasing them about hating Turkish people. They turned it back on me and started calling me Turkish now and then. I can't remember the conversation but i do remember it was realy good and we ended up playfighting! Once again i outstayed my welcome and they got up and said they had to go. I demanded a hug at least to which they refused! Oh well whatever.

-Not really conversation but i saw this HB 8 asian standing alone texting. I patted her head, she looked up and before i know it we were grinding and dancing with each other. She was like stop my 'friends' going to come. I said 'your boyfriend'? She said 'no no just a partner i am with tonight.' I insisted she come dance and told her playfully she was boring. She laughed but i didn't persist which i should have done. To be honest i understood how bad it would have been if she left the guy to stand around alone while she danced with me for the night. I am kicking my self for not getting her number now, but again at the time it never really crossed my mind.

As you can tell i feel it is now a natural progression to start number closing, which is also the next stage of boot camp. I will keep this in minf from now on.

+Live by the question of 'who would i be if i lived without any fear of consequences?'. Also get used to the idea of changing pictures and movies in my mind to ones that help me be more resourceful rather than in fear.

-Yesterday really went a long way in implementing these chnges to my mind. I am more social now than i think i have been for nearly 4 years now.

+Keep saving up. Set out my ambitions and things i want to do in my life time.

-I had an interesting conversation with some guy yesterday regarding socialism vs capitalism. I said too much money is in the hands of the few and too little in the hands of the many. He argued that those few that make it work hard while the majority are too lazy and happy to claim benefits and settle for second best. I agreed but blamed society for making the poor too ignorant and stupid to not understand the system and how to work it. I said that coming from a poor family and working our way up, I have really seen both sides of the coin and feel everyone should be given an opportunity to live instead of being a victim of the circumstances. We are all the same and should not sell our soul to money while watching my own kind in Africa or Asia starve to death because they were 'too lazy or ignorant'.

Oh well will update again soon. Peace.

 

[Violent V]

+ Get down to 13 stone. 5 morning runs a day, followed by more exercise in the evening i.e. wieghts, football etc

- Saturday I had a great workout, got at least 1 hour on the weights following 30 min cardio. I was really proud of the week's effort i put in a definetely feel i got past that tipping point, not only with going gym 6 days this week, but also eating the right good stuff and avoiding the rubbish.

But disaster struck on Sunday morning football. A bad tackle (the guy planted his knee right into my thigh as i skipped past him) has left me unable to walk properly, let alone run. It sounds like i have torn my quadriceps muscle, I've been advised to not do any sports for 3 weeks! INstead of getting down, it means that my diet and calorie count is now even more crucial, but also gives me the chance to really spend my time and energy in gym looking to come back even fitter and fresher than i was before.

+Bootcamp week one and two, but GIRLS ONLY! Eye contact and greet 50 women, and talk to 10 strange ones by the end of the month. I already talked at length with one hb yesterday, and tongiht i will have the chance to get started on this one.

-My weekend was DRY. Nothing to report on. Today I had another work training course and knew from the moment i woke up this morning that i was going to be sitting next to that Blonde bombshell from work. I just knew i would and wasn't surprised when i found her sitting next to my seat when i walked in.

I think i carried the group well, really showing my confidence by leading and taking responsibility for myself and being really assertive.

I also got a proper look at the HB next to me and noticed how much make-up she was wearing covering what looked like scars and spots? She has a really nice slim petite body though, and we ended up flirting a lot.

First i noted that she knew WAY more about me than i thought she would. She knew my job role, where i sat and even how long i had been in the company. She also said I had been in every seminar that she had been in.

I laughed at her funny hick-ups and she took the pss out of me drinking peppermint tea. I noticed she touched me a few times, first with a light punch, and then she reached out when i wasn't looking and gently scratched my arm as if she flicking away a fly or some dirt?

As the session went on i faded and really got annoyed with my voice/speech. Instread of being firm and speaking like i knew what i was saying/what i wanted, it was submissive like do you think ....? Maybe if we do it like this...? I really hate it when i become unsure of myself and self conscious and this is definetely something that goes hand-in-hand with my ailing conversation skills.

I couldn't close her though. I know she walks same route to and from work i do and think she would like the idea of us walking together every afternoon. But i couldn't and just left it at the end.

But I do feel we are now comfertable enough to hug when greeting or hang out with each other. IN all honesty i see her as a lost cause/friend zone and would be happy to keep her as a prop at the least.

+Live by the question of 'who would i be if i lived without any fear of consequences?'. Also get used to the idea of changing pictures and movies in my mind to ones that help me be more resourceful rather than in fear.

- I did not apply this well enough today. It did not cross my mind. If i had done i would have been my greatest, most confident self. Tomorrow is another day.

+Keep saving up. Set out my ambitions and things i want to do in my life time.

- I will be living completely on my own for the next couple of weeks and i reall will get a feel of what its all about to move out, live on my own, feed myself and be responsible completely for ME.

Peace.

 

[Violent V]

This last week has been pretty much a complete write off... I have certainly been a victim of my circumstances.

I am unable to do any gym work or exercise due to my injured thigh muscle on one leg and bad knee on the other. If anything it is hurting more. I will be focusing on calorie counting.

I am now working from 7.00am till 7.00pm EVERYDAY for a fortnight. I finish the day tired and suffering from fatigue, wanting to go home to bed. During the day i am running/walking around constantly (no good for my thigh). ON the posotive i am greeting and speaking to at least 60 people/customers a day.

So my week starts again tomorrow.

+ Get down to 13 stone. 5 morning runs a day, followed by more exercise in the evening i.e. wieghts, football etc

Since exercising is out of the equation, i will be resorting to calorie counting to help my weight loss.

+Bootcamp week one and two, but GIRLS ONLY! Eye contact and greet 50 women, and talk to 10 strange ones by the end of the month.

I am pretty sure i am hitting my target now and have DEFINETELY come on leaps and bounds regarding opening up to girls and talking. This week is one final push!

n.b. i am really looking forward to getting back to my main job asap now just so i can hook up with to hb bombshell again. Or is this what you guys call 'oneitis'. The more i think about it, the more i have her in the bag! I WILL USE THIS TIME AWAY TO BECOME MORE HAPPY AND CONFIDENT IN MYSELF and thus become a better, improved man.

+Live by the question of 'who would i be if i lived without any fear of consequences?'. Also get used to the idea of changing pictures and movies in my mind to ones that help me be more resourceful rather than in fear.

This is my main aim for this week. I really want to push this on to my brain processing before moving on.

+Keep saving up. Set out my ambitions and things i want to do in my life time.

I am certainly more middle left now than the socialist i was a few weeks ago. The key question to consider now is how to invest my time now. I three routes ahead of me: study on to become a lawyer, earn good salary but increase my work hours significantly; follow my heart and live off my talents and hope to strike gold with it; start my own business- where the real money is to be made- and invest my time and work in this before reaping the benefits afterwards.

My great regret is not studying law at university. Instead i spent three years at uni studying a nothing subject when i could have been a step ahead by now.

Writing this journal keeps me focused so i plan to report frequently no matter how tired i am for the rest of the week.

Peace