Some Questions

[Purple-Haze]

This is how guys perceive situations like this. Doesn't really matter what you THINK it should be perceived as, that's how it comes off. So maybe in the future, don't go that route.

I don't intend to.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Well if that's truely the case, then what's making you so insecure in this relationship that you are resorting to tests? Just force of habit?

If I were honest with myself, I'd say it's part insecurity and part habit.

 

[reset]

Time to be extra nice to bf.

 

[DavenJuan]

Yes. I've seen this happen to other people in my life as well. They get comfortable with a certain pattern of behaviour and don't get challenged, so they continue behaving as they have.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not changing myself for him... But being with him has alerted me to some very unhealthy behaviour on my part. My ex did express his disapproval sometimes, but I never really attempted to change because while he verbalized his concern, he never did anything to make me question what I was doing (he kept reinforcing things without knowing he was).

.

im curious to how your ex verbalized his problems but only reinforced these issues and your current bf actually alerted you to this.

what is the difference between the two if they BOTH verbalized this?

 

[Purple-Haze]

Time to be extra nice to bf.

Yes.

I think I'll try being a little more selfless and appreciative.

Thanks for all your feedback reset!

 

[Purple-Haze]

im curious to how your ex verbalized his problems but only reinforced these issues and your current bf actually alerted you to this.

what is the difference between the two if they BOTH verbalized this?

Well my ex only expressed concern a few times (and this was during heated arguments). My ex played dirty in that he would stoop to BS to try to make a point. Obviously it fell on dead ears. We fought constantly. However, he never let go. He was always there, always available.

My bf has called me out on my BS. He has also withdrawn when things get heated and he thinks I'm being unreasonable. At first, I saw this as him not loving me enough (my reasoning was, "if he really loved me, he'd put up with anything just for me"). As time went on, I realized that if I continued behaving the way I did, I stood a serious chance of losing him.

Also, as I've mentioned before, he doesn't respond well to "drama." His ex began to pull similar ish on him and he left her. Knowing this has also affected my approach.

My bf is not argumentative, he's not the "in your face" type of guy. If he's angry, he'll tell me that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and that he has to go (if it's an issue he feels we've dealt with already). After a while, it made me evaluate my actions and question where all of this was coming from.

And then there's the whole attraction thing. My IL with my ex (on a romantic level) was pretty low. With my bf, it's quite the opposite. I have, in terms of my own personal feelings, more invested in this R than the previous one, so of course, I take changes in my bf's behaviour to heart.

 

[Latinoman]

Hello gents (and ladies) of SS!

So I've been checking this place out for a few days now and have learned some very interesting things about male-female relationships.

Now I have a few questions of my own (pertaining to a certain someone in my life). Usually I'm pretty decent at "reading" someone - some would even say that I'm quite perceptive. But when it comes to him, I'm at a total loss...I just can't seem to figure him out. This is where you fine folk come in...

He's quite confident and rarely lets things faze him. Now normally I would find this incredibly attractive about a man (and to a great extent, this is why I'm drawn to him so)...BUT it does get a little unnerving at times. I mean, what's a girl gotta do to get a reaction out of him?

We have had a very tumultuous R. We've been together for over a year and have had our share of drama. If he were here, he'd tell you that I'm the cause of 99% of the drama (which, maybe is partly true).

When I was with my ex, I could say and do things to get a reaction out him. My bf isn't like this. He let's things "roll" and calls me out on a lot of my "negative" behaviour...this is good I think (it has helped me become more self-aware and I have tried to make some solid changes in my behaviour).

Rather than go on and on...let me begin by giving you an example of something that slightly bothers me. I like it when a man is dominant, when he is territorial (to an extent). My bf is not. Earlier tonight, we had a conversation. I informed him of something a male friend of mine told me. I'll paraphrase the conversation (this was via phone). I had already broached the topic with him a night or two ago (that my friend expressed interest). But a following conversation with this friend revealed bolder statements on his part (which is what I relayed to my bf tonight).

ME: So D told me he wants to fu@k me. He said he didn't care that I had a bf and he thinks monogamy is a farce.
HIM: Alright.
ME: What do you think about that? How does that make you feel?
HIM: What's there to think or feel? He said what he did and that's that. It's not like anything will come of it.
ME: So you aren't annoyed in the least?
HIM: No, not really. Why should I be?
ME: It's just he was so blatant and arrogant about it. He doesn't respect our R. You don't think it's offensive?
HIM: No. If you wanted to fu@k him, then we'd have to deal with it. If that's not the case, there is no problem.
ME: So do you want me to stop talking to him?
HIM: Do you want to stop talking to him? If so, that is your prerogative, either way.
ME: Ugh. Alright.

Now I know some of you will come down on me for trying to get a rise out of him by bringing up another guy. That was not my intention. I just wanted to tell him what was up...and to see how he felt about the situation (and yes, to also subtly remind him that other men find me attractive).

Alright, let me get to the point. What do you make of his reaction? Do you think I'm being silly in expecting him to react differently? Is it wrong for me to want my bf to be a bit possessive? Or am I totally crazy?

There's obviously much more to this R, but this is something that is currently on my mind.

I welcome your thoughts!

Listen...it is up to you to
1- RESPECT him and
2- make sure no other man DISRESPECTS him.

In my opinion...he is right....it is up to you to either continue communicating or stop communication with the that disrespected your relationship (and boyfriend).

If you continue talking to the guy...then you are encouraging the guy to disrespect him.

Which means...you don't care for him. That's all he needs to know. And he is right...it is up to YOU (it was a man you know then one that disrespected your relationship and it is up to you to put a stop to it).

And playing games does NOT work for most of us.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Listen...it is up to you to
1- RESPECT him and
2- make sure no other man DISRESPECTS him.

In my opinion...he is right....it is up to you to either continue communicating or stop communication with the that disrespected your relationship (and boyfriend).

If you continue talking to the guy...then you are encouraging the guy to disrespect him.

Which means...you don't care for him. That's all he needs to know. And he is right...it is up to YOU (it was a man you know then one that disrespected your relationship and it is up to you to put a stop to it).

And playing games does NOT work for most of us.

I have very little contact with this person (not because I think my bf minds, but because my friend is an idiot who doesn't know anything about boundaries or respect).

And if you read the rest of the thread, you'll see that I do not intend to play games (I'm trying to be as cognizant of this as I can). I'd like to spend time with him without having him mentally vomit.

 

[Latinoman]

I have very little contact with this person (not because I think my bf minds, but because my friend is an idiot who doesn't know anything about boundaries or respect).

And if you read the rest of the thread, you'll see that I do not intend to play games. I'd like to spend time with him without having him mentally vomit.

I have no intention of wasting my time reading 149 posts of female drama. Especially when a MATURE MALE created a thread seeking advice and only getting 21 posts.

I find it disgraceful that you are getting this much attention for this pathetic attempt for drama and this gentleman (see link below) is literally ignored. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=142417

 

[Purple-Haze]

I have no intention of wasting my time reading 149 posts of female drama. Especially when a MATURE MALE created a thread seeking advice and only getting 21 posts.

I find it disgraceful that you are getting this much attention for this pathetic attempt for drama and this gentleman (see link below) is literally ignored. http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=142417

I came here with a genuine question. When I began posting here, I tried to maintain some decorum, so do not tell me that it is my fault that the other poster has not gotten any responses. I try to read other threads and provide my insight (the reader can take it or leave it, considering my gender).

You didn't have to waste your time reading the initial post. You could have put me on ignore.

Your tone is precisely the kind of thing that stains the views espoused by this site.

EDIT: At least half of the responses on this thread are my own. I respond to each poster because I appreciate the time they took to read the damn thing and to respond.

 

[Latinoman]

You didn't have to waste your time reading the initial post. You could have put me on ignore.

I can read whatever I want. You see? I am a man...a MATURE man...and one that is known for his contributions to this board.

I came here with a genuine question. When I began posting here, I tried to maintain some decorum, so do not tell me that it is my fault that the other poster has not gotten any responses. I try to read other threads and provide my insight (the reader can take it or leave it, considering my gender).

You did not come with a "genuine" question. You came here trying to covertly find for an answer on how to manipulate your partner into feeding your ego. Here is the thing, I refuse to give you any knowledge on how to add drama into a man's life or for that matter play your little games.

If you associate yourself with men that literally disrespect you and your relationship...then so be it. It tells me more about the kind of woman you are (especially if we add the fact that you want to play games with your current man too).

That does not change the fact that you are responsible for RESPECTING your partner (in a committed relationship) and making sure you don't contribute into others DISrespecting him.

He did exactly what I would have done if facing the same situation. Only different, I make my partner aware of the RESPECT thing way in advance. So, when she brings something like that I can simply say..."It is up to you if you want to continue talking with him". Your ACTIONS...and not your WORDS is what I will use to determine if you are worth of my loyalty and respect.

 

[ketostix]

Well my ex only expressed concern a few times (and this was during heated arguments). My ex played dirty in that he would stoop to BS to try to make a point. Obviously it fell on dead ears. We fought constantly. However, he never let go. He was always there, always available.

My bf has called me out on my BS. He has also withdrawn when things get heated and he thinks I'm being unreasonable. At first, I saw this as him not loving me enough (my reasoning was, "if he really loved me, he'd put up with anything just for me"). As time went on, I realized that if I continued behaving the way I did, I stood a serious chance of losing him.

Also, as I've mentioned before, he doesn't respond well to "drama." His ex began to pull similar ish on him and he left her. Knowing this has also affected my approach.

My bf is not argumentative, he's not the "in your face" type of guy. If he's angry, he'll tell me that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and that he has to go (if it's an issue he feels we've dealt with already). After a while, it made me evaluate my actions and question where all of this was coming from.

See this is where you totally and completely contradict yourself from what you said in Lishy's thread about what her BF should be doing. pwned.

 

[DavenJuan]

latino is normally on top of things, today may just be a bad day.

purple...

i havent really looked at all the new posts since the last time i checked out your thread, but i can say one thing..

i KNOW that you didnt purposely mention this to your boyfriend regarding this guy friend of yours. but it may have been done on a subciounscious level

the bigger problem may be that you do this several times and not even realize it. just to get that "feeling" of validation.

 

[Purple-Haze]

You did not come with a "genuine" question. You came here trying to covertly find for an answer on how to manipulate your partner into feeding your ego. Here is the thing, I refuse to give you any knowledge on how to add drama into a man's life or for that matter play your little games.

If you associate yourself with men that literally disrespect you and your relationship...then so be it. It tells me more about the kind of woman you are (especially if we add the fact that you want to play games with your current man too).

That does not change the fact that you are responsible for RESPECTING your partner (in a committed relationship) and making sure you don't contribute into others DISrespecting him.

He did exactly what I would have done if facing the same situation. Only different, I make my partner aware of the RESPECT thing way in advance. So, when she brings something like that I can simply say..."It is up to you if you want to continue talking with him". Your ACTIONS...and not your WORDS is what I will use to determine if you are worth of my loyalty and respect.

I have no desire to defend myself here.

That said, I do understand where you are coming from. I agree with the bolded statements.

Try to refrain from making judgments about the type of woman I am. However, I understand where all your anger is coming from. So I'll leave it at that.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Purple, I think you got the answers you needed. I'm glad we could help.


Both you and Latino aren't going to get anywhere by arguing with each other.

Just keep that in mind. Both of you.

 

[Purple-Haze]

See this is where you totally and completely contradict yourself from what you said in Lishy's thread about what her BF should be doing. pwned.

Not really. I know the reason why he retreated in the past (and became less affectionate). I wasn't trying to figure it out because it was obvious.

 

[Latinoman]

I have no desire to defend myself here.

That said, I do understand where you are coming from. I agree with the bolded statements.

Try to refrain from making judgments about the type of woman I am. However, I understand where all your anger is coming from. So I'll leave it at that.

I am NOT angry. I have very good control over my emotions.

Besides, you are not my woman...if you were my woman...you would be creating dozens of threads (if you think your boyfriend has you in a roller coaster, I cannot imagine what a person like me would do to your emotional state - hehehe).

If I get a chance, I will take a look at some of the posts in this thread.

 

[Purple-Haze]

latino is normally on top of things, today may just be a bad day.

purple...

i havent really looked at all the new posts since the last time i checked out your thread, but i can say one thing..

i KNOW that you didnt purposely mention this to your boyfriend regarding this guy friend of yours. but it may have been done on a subciounscious level

the bigger problem may be that you do this several times and not even realize it. just to get that "feeling" of validation.

Daven, I understand what you're saying... BUT, I assure you, my bf isn't the type to get upset at something as stupid as a gay friend telling me he wants to fu@k me. In my bf's eyes, he has bigger fish to fry. He could care less about this. All he cares about is that I don't share the sentiment.

My question had more to do with my expecations. If I was being unreasonable in wanting him to go caveman. According to you guys, I went about it the wrong way. I've agreed time and again that I was wrong.

I am really starting to sound like a broken record here.

 

[ketostix]

Not really. I know the reason why he retreated in the past (and became less affectionate). I wasn't trying to figure it out because it was obvious.

That's not here or there. You made it very clear that you lost attraction for your ex-bf because he expressed disatisfaction, but he never did anything else about it and was always available. Then in contrast, you said your current BF doesn't spend a lot of time expressing his disatisfaction instead he withdraws and this makes you more attracted to him and more motivated to change the behavior in question. You then went on a rant arguing against me that Lishy's BF should not give her the silent treatment and should instead express what his disatisfaction is.

The only debate is how should Lishy's BF handle her. But there's no debating it. It's obvious to Lishy why her BF is puling way too. You totally contradicted yourself. I already knew I was right. pwned.

Don't lose sight of this and the reason why guys can never take advice from women. This is why guys feel like women that come here are taking and not giving. Unless you read between a girl's lines and see her for nothing more than a case study of typical female behavior, they always tell a guy the wrong way to do things.

 

[Purple-Haze]

Purple, I think you got the answers you needed. I'm glad we could help.


Both you and Latino aren't going to get anywhere by arguing with each other.

Just keep that in mind. Both of you.

He doesn't scare me.

Plus, call me crazy, but every perspective adds something to the discussion, no? I'm interested in what he has to say.

But yes Thunder, I will obey the rules of the forum.