My counselor has proposed a meeting between me and my ex-wife.

[corrector]

Dude, you dumped this girl, you wanted rid of her. Why should you care who she sees or what she does with him? If she meets someone, why should she have to check with you to see if you think the appropriate amount of time has gone by or not? She can do what she wants. You're the one who divorced her.

It's like you get a phantom limb or phantom relationship after the fact. So, if she meets someone new then it feels like she's cheating on you, even though it is officially over. If she's moved on six months later and you heard that through the grapevine, and she still occupies your thought life, then it feels like she just broke-up with you rather than the other way around even if you dumped her and went NC for six months and and she got hurt by it when it happened. So it is one of those weird things...I guess it depends on how each individual is wired. Some people are introspective and like dwelling on things, others just don't care and move on.

So, even if someone divorces or breaks-up with a girl. Just like images that burn into a screen of a cathode ray tube or plasma screen, those images remain even if the TV is off and you have this ghost relationship or remnant that may hunt after the fact. This is something I'm beginning to learn.

In this case, it's possible that the OP and his ex are both wired differently so there is a power differential. She's able to not care and move on (i.e. because her love is shallow), while the OP is introspective and dwelling on her (more deeper love). If both people are wired the same then I guess they would come back together eventually, except if there was a strong reason for the break-up. Otherwise one person has always moved on in life or got someone else while the other person is introspective and hanging on to things and simply has a phantom limb. Or, hopefully, both mutually do not care and have moved on and everyone's happy.

in my case, I have a phantom limb/relationship with an ex I broke up with 7 months ago and went NC. I went strict NC, no emails, texts, phone calls, no visual contact, no social network, nothing. Even that didn't help even though I initiated the break-up and dump. It's gotten to a point that seven months later when her pastor confirmed she had moved on that it felt like she just broke-up with me when in reality I went NC on her and emailed her a break-up latter seven months ago. So it's really weird and probably has to do with wiring more than anything else.

However, as the reason I broke-up with her is strong enough I don't think this bothers me since I wouldn't really go back to her anyway even if she did want me back because the whole thing goes against my core values and even if I were to replay my life I would still break-up with her when I did because I had accepted the consequences of that decision at the time I did that and proceeded anyway. It's grossly unfair to forget about one's spiritual and emotional state at the time you divorce or break-up with someone and go into some idealized phantom relationship mode, but as it has to do with wiring, there is not much that can be done unless the wiring is changed. Just bad wiring would be the answer to the question here.

 

[expos]

In this case, it's possible that the OP and his ex are both wired differently so there is a power differential. She's able to not care and move on (i.e. because her love is shallow), while the OP is introspective and dwelling on her (more deeper love). If both people are wired the same then I guess they would come back together eventually, except if there was a strong reason for the break-up. Otherwise one person has always moved on in life or got someone else while the other person is introspective and hanging on to things and simply has a phantom limb. Or, hopefully, both mutually do not care and have moved on and everyone's happy.

This exactly - which my explains my pain with she told me she was with someone new.

Anyone with one those BPD/Cluster B type personalities has almost no empathy whatsoever. This explains her ability to move on so quickly and jump the next thing - while I took 4 months off and sat in my living room and tried just trying to recover from the past 5 years and rebuild myself.

I honestly did love her even through the divorce proceedings. I couldn’t look at her and say I didn’t care. But something told me, in the 3 months prior to us splitting, that I could no longer submit myself to what she was doing to me. Man, it killed me to tell her that it was over (because she, at the time, wanted to stay with it mainly for her pride) but I could not go on living with someone like that. She became this liability.

I do blame myself for a few things. When she started fighting with me a year into our marriage, I started to withdraw a little. I had never had a woman treat me like that, so I naturally sort of walked away and gave her some space which is exactly WRONG thing to do. I thought I was being mature, but in reality I wasn’t putting her into her place, which gave her freedom to beat me down month after month. I feel I couldn’t be supportive of someone who treated me this way, so I started shutting down, and the cycle repeated itself.

Her love was absolutely shallow and she was highly invested into material things. She grew up in a resort town and frequently dealt with the rich, waiting tables and working at boat launches. After securing a diamond ring, a lavish wedding in her hometown, a trip to the Bahamas, US Virgin Island vacation honeymoon, a new house in the suburbs, another upgrade to her diamond ring post honeymoon, and a new dog, she felt if as if she was rolling with the wealthy. It was all impulsive, high maintenance behavior and it had nothing to do with our actual “relationship”. I did all of these things for her because I simply loved her.

The reason she has attached to the new guy so fast is because of material gain, and BPD's can't stand to be alone. I believe he makes around 6-figures, which has increased her attraction to him. If this guy was making $35K per year, she would have absolutely nothing to do with him. I will say with 100% certainty that my looks blow his out of the water….so this is all about upping her status and securing the future she wanted.

In a talk with my counselor today, he basically said that her relationship with this guy has a 95% failure rate. There is only so long a BPD can keep the charade going before the real problems are uncovered, and no amount of money is going to keep her behavior from reaching the surface.

I'm moving on and can't go back. I have a new relationship I'm working on now and it's casual at best. We see each other twice per week, fvck, eat dinner, spend the night, and go to work the next day. She is not BPD, and the difference is really incredible. Am I completely happy? No. She's not as hot as my ex-wife, and I have a very low emotional attachment to her, but she thinks I really hot and seems to dig me. It's confidence like this that I need to repair myself.

It's been a slow painful process to detach, but like many posters have said, I will be better for it in the long run.

 

[expos]

And as a follow up....I did respond to her email two days later after she told me not to. She doesn't run the show anymore.

It was two carefully phrased short sentences that simply stated that I decided to leave our relationship (triggering her BPD abandonment fears) and that I didn't want speak to her anymore because I thought it was unethical to do because of my "current relationship" (serving her some of her own medicine and letting her know I was fvcking other women).

 

[penkitten]

I honestly do not see how meeting up to rehash hurt is going to help either of you. especially if she has bpd issues. it just feels like looking for trouble. which is great news to your counselor because you will have to go back in there and talk through things to get it sorted out = $$ for them.

 

[Warrior74]

And as a follow up....I did respond to her email two days later after she told me not to. She doesn't run the show anymore.

It was two carefully phrased short sentences that simply stated that I decided to leave our relationship (triggering her BPD abandonment fears) and that I didn't want speak to her anymore because I thought it was unethical to do because of my "current relationship" (serving her some of her own medicine and letting her know I was fvcking other women).

You've had your revenge. Go forth and sin no more. (and by sin, I mean have further contact with).

 

[DMEDFISIK]

What a thread!

While I believe some men here may be somewhat jaded, and that their unfortunate affairs may excessively taint their views, I admit, as one who still believes in the goodness of womanhood (though rare these days), that staying away from your ex-wife is the wise stance. Based on the series of events you have described, I don't believe you have lost anything, and have instead, saved yourself from further destruction.

Congratulations. keep on trucking.

 

[expos]

I'm going to take a break from this thread and come back in the few months and let you know what has transpired.

I got some rather unsettling news recently and saw some things I didn't want to see, so it's best to sort of disappear and ride things out in an attempt to recover.

 

[zekko]

I got some rather unsettling news recently and saw some things I didn't want to see, so it's best to sort of disappear and ride things out in an attempt to recover.

Curiouser and curiouser.

 

[Hexagram]

I'm going to take a break from this thread and come back in the few months and let you know what has transpired.

I got some rather unsettling news recently and saw some things I didn't want to see, so it's best to sort of disappear and ride things out in an attempt to recover.

Expos,

You gotta let this one go man. There's really no point in trying to get back at her or playing her games -- that would involve stooping to her level.

Delete every possible trace of her from your life. This is now a game for you -- you talk to her, you lose. You stalk her on facebook, you lose. You fvcking think about her, you lose.

And tell your friends NOT to tell you sh!t about her. Seriously, if someone starts talking about her -- tell them to shut the fvck up or walk away. Don't let curiosity get the best of you. There's absolutely nothing to gain by finding out stuff about her. Always remind yourself about how you feel after they give you unnecessary information.

She's out of your life for good now. Your'e a free man! The world is your oyster. Make new friends, meet new women, work on new goals, travel the world. You should really be thanking your stars that she's out of your life.Trust me -- the longer she had stayed, the more miserable you would have been.

 

[samspade]

Good luck to you, expos. Not sure if my perspective will make you feel better or not. I too got divorced and made the decision myself; only thing was my wife did nothing wrong and was actually very good to me. We're both sad and have suspended contact to heal, but with the utmost mutual respect you can imagine. Absolutely zero drama.

I'm not saying this to one-up you. I'm saying it because it's still really difficult to move on, but I'm doing it. It would be extremely easy for me to call her up and say "let's try again" and I know that right now she would agree. That alone makes moving on difficult because it's like I have an easy out if I second guess my decision.

You however are/were embroiled in a lot of drama and BPD b.s. and analyzing it ad nauseum. It's always easier when we're not in the situation but I hope you can really erase this sh*t from your life and start anew. I think you need a break from females but that's my opinion.

What Kailex said above is true. I'm not ashamed to admit I haven't nailed another female yet. I just haven't been in the mood to try. (Not saying I wouldn't take a slam-dunk, but my efforts are being channeled in things other than game.) I'm sure my ex-wife thinks I'm up to my ears in females but the truth is I am healing just like she is. These things take time.

I guess my point is the other person is probably always as sad. The "less aggrieved" is still aggrieved. Take that to heart and just do your best to move on.

 

[expos]

When was the last time you actually had sex?

Last week Monday...and week before that with the the same chick. I went camping with her this weekend, but she was on her period. The sex hasn't been very good, because my ex-wife is, sadly, much hotter. I've also had some performance issues because it's sort of uncomfortable being with a new body after banging the same one for 5 years.

Not to sound demented, but I would often masturbate to the image of my wife WHILE we were married. Most guys would resort to porn...but not me. We'd go 3 to 4 months without having sex, but I was so attracted to her that I would take whatever breadcrumbs she'd throw my way. Not healthy at all.

 

[WoodB]

Last week Monday...and week before that with the the same chick. I went camping with her this weekend, but she was on her period. The sex hasn't been very good, because my ex-wife is, sadly, much hotter. I've also had some performance issues because it's sort of uncomfortable being with a new body after banging the same one for 5 years.

Not to sound demented, but I would often masturbate to the image of my wife WHILE we were married. Most guys would resort to porn...but not me. We'd go 3 to 4 months without having sex, but I was so attracted to her that I would take whatever breadcrumbs she'd throw my way. Not healthy at all.

Expos, I had a somewhat parallel experience to yours, albeit on a much lesser intensity of just 15 months, but I understand the sexual spell such women can weave upon men. I have occasional dreams tinged with both fear and sexual gratification in connection with my ex. It is a stark reflection on an unwholesome relationship.

My girlfriend was very sexual form the start, and when she began her slow withdraw from me, we still had sex (making love) , but the awareness of her withdrawl and my helplessness in stemming its gradual flow still reverberates in me after 5 months. I know that this will pass in time, but still, the pain persists. You too, will get better, but you must not have any contact with your ex. Be strong for your own sake so that you may do right in the future with the right woman.

Now, regarding your self-gratification whilst you were still married - that is a very normal reaction, in my humble opinion. It is another indication, as you have stated yourself, of an unhealthy relationship. Now, you must pave the way for a new and better future which you deserve.

 

[expos]

I am just about recovered from one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m now 90+ days no contact from my ex-wife and it’s getting better all the time.

One thing I had to do to get it all out of my system was to figure out who my ex wife is dating and systematically Facebook block everyone related to her and him. Her co-workers, her friends, her family, his friends, his family. I found a lot of posts of them tagged together and it sucked to see that stuff, but it was a part of the process.

Something I noticed through all of this is that when my ex-wife and I started dating, she was not shy about posting tons of pics of us together. She was so proud of me, thought I was handsome, etc. When she started dating this fat slob (a co-worker) after we split, she did not post a single photo of them together and still hasn't. Here’s why….

I met up with some friends for Frisbee this Saturday. A particular couple, who work with my ex-wife, said that they saw my ex-wife and her new co-worker boyfriend at an outdoor music festival a few months back and tried talking to them. This couple went on to tell me that my ex-wife wouldn't even acknowledge them or look them in the eye, and she's known them for six years. The couple said my ex-wife looked embarrassed.

In the meantime, I’ve found someone new. Prettier than my ex-wife, in shape, better career. Using the DJ Bible, I’ve got this girl basically OBSESSED with me.

My ex-wife will have to live with her decisions. She had a great life ahead of her if she could have just been a better wife to me. I pulled the most alpha card of them all and cut her loose – refusing to put up with the crap. I will always hold that power over her.

 

[expos]

"My ex-wife will have to live with her decisions. She had a great life ahead of her if she could have just been a better wife to me. I pulled the most alpha card of them all and cut her loose – refusing to put up with the crap. I will always hold that power over her."

You got it man. That is the mindset you need to achieve, and now you have it.

Good for you!

Thanks man!

She could have totally prevented our divorce. All she had to do was at least bang me once a week, and be nice. That's it. But no, she fvcked up. She lost out on raising a child with me, a nice suburban home, everything. She lost it all and she didn't deserve any of it. This woman is a loser, plain and simple, and I have came out a stronger, better person because of all of this.

This forum has shaped me in ways I cannot explain. I'm hitting the weights now and women are noticing. I'm crushing it at work. I take absolutely no crap from any woman and NEVER chase, and they LOVE IT. I'm not ass, just strong in what I believe in and they know I cannot be controlled and it turns them on. I am not the same person I was last winter.

Thanks to everyone who slapped some sense into me on this thread.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Expos,
Have followed this blog for some time,I am delighted you have seen the light!

 

[expos]

Dear Expos,
" my therapist (who served as our marriage counselor), said that I have a lot of unresolved issues that are preventing me from moving on." Yes I agree with him,but going back will not resolve anything....
" I would often masturbate to the image of my wife WHILE we were married. Most guys would resort to porn...but not me. We'd go 3 to 4 months without having sex"....Why in the name of Mike do you want this Woman back?...You must be a masochist....Believe me there is nothing here but sorrow for you,you are soo Young,the World is yours to grasp...Go no contact and just explain nicely to anyone who wants to discuss the matter,that it is over,and you would rather not discuss it...Move On!

I did Man! Read my previous post. Life is good. No more depression. No need for counseling. Nailed two women since the divorce (one who was HB8-9), and I'm working on a third now who far exceeds the previous three, including my ex-wife. I am no longer phased by her at all - even when they brought her up, I sort of laughed. She's being miserable on someone else's watch, I should shake his hand if I ever meet him. Maybe we'll see him on SoSuave.net a year from now?

LOL.

Take care folks!

 

[expos]

I need to explain a situation that will arise two days from now.

The building I work in houses large event, conferences, shows, etc. A job fair is happening in our building and her company will be there (she always works these events). I just went upstairs to check out the arrangement and her booth is unfortunately right there, in front of my particular office. So, we will mostly likely see each other for the first time in seven months.

 

[DJ SO STEVE]

Expos it's probably best you ignore her and try to avoid bumping into her at all costs. You need to start dating other women there's always someone better.... ALWAYS someone better. Be a MAN, put your emotions aside and move on.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Expos,
Yes our letters crossed,I tried to remove the post having read yours,and changed it to a congratulatory message,however the Malicious Soul of the perfidious machine that grinds out these messages,still printed the original...profuse apologies!

 

[SteR]

Such an awesome thread..