Milk's Journal

[Ronaldo7]

So this is basically a journal of quitting? Make goals, give some lame excuse why the goals couldn't be met and subsequently quit on the goals made. There is nothing worse than lying to yourself. You can lie to everyone else, but you can't lie to yourself. It's one thing other people thinking you are a failure, but that you (yourself) KNOW that you failed?

When you find out what your Y, you don't hit snooze anymore. When you find out your Y, you will find a way to make it happen.

 

[Milks]

So this is basically a journal of quitting? Make goals, give some lame excuse why the goals couldn't be met and subsequently quit on the goals made. There is nothing worse than lying to yourself. You can lie to everyone else, but you can't lie to yourself. It's one thing other people thinking you are a failure, but that you (yourself) KNOW that you failed?

You're talking about my past goals right? It's been months since then. Things have changed. Some of them don't apply anymore.

I did fail my goals at the time but I wouldn't say I quit on them, maybe a couple, but the others I did come around to getting them done, just not in the time I preferred to have done them.

My Goals During the Next 2 Weeks:
-Get my driver's license Failed the test 3 times but I have my license now. I just need insurance to drive
-Keep running every morning Yea I completely quit on this. But since I've posted I've dropped some weight. I'm 5'7" at 127 lbs, so I'm really skinny now. I don't really need to drop more weight. This goal was set to get myself ready for track season, which is over now.
-Start lifting weights again (gotta find a better routine to do I started lifting again recently
-finish all the ****ing homework I have I did the homework right after the break, but got penalized for turning it in late
-Apply for scholarships for college Done it.
-Apply to a university and send my SAT scores Done.
-Practice drawing I doodle sometimes but do I try to learn the things I want, to get better (learn body anatomy)? No. Do I have time do it? Yes it's summer break for me. I haven't quit on it though. I still would like to draw well someday. Just right now it's not a huge goal for me. I want to work on other stuff right now (primarily on diet and exercise.) I don't have a good enough willpower to work on more than 1 thing right now.

Long term goal: Lose fat by going on a 500 caloric deficit everyday (gotta do some research like how many calories I eat daily and stuff, i'll figure things out and plan this out more thoroughly later or tomorrow) I didn't do it the next day, but I'm doing it now.
Goals for the rest of the week: Clean backpack and room Did that, not during that week but eventually I did it, practice drawing for atleast 3 accumulated hoursThis I never did., try to schedule a date with WendyTried. Got rejected and moved on.

Goal for the rest of the week: Write down at LEAST 1 scholarship essay.I didn't do it that week. But I did end up writing 9 scholarship essays, sadly I only got 1 scholarship.

My problem is not quitting. My problem is procrastinating. I hold off shyt until later. I'm lazy. My problem is I want to feel good now, rather than feel great later. Hell, today I should've been reading more about nutrition, diet, exercise, trying to get my first job, reading about how to make a good resume, and reading about philosophy. These are things I want to do but I get side tracked by tv and browsing the internet. I actually stopped playing videogames as much but I only traded in one poison for another.

 

[Milks]

8/3/14

I started lifting again. I'm doing stronglifts 5x5 program right now. I just decided to do this routine so I didn't have an excuse not to lift. The routine I'm doing is:

Back Squats 5x5
Overhead Press 5x5 (I substituted this for bench press cuz it's full body)
Deadlift 1x5

Weight on all of them is 55 lbs. I'll add 5 lbs next week then another 5 lbs the week after.

I'll probably switch to Reg Parks beginner lifting routine. I found a whole article about it on bodybuilding.com but I need to read the whole thing first. It's pretty much all laid out for you for like up to a year (i.e. do this for routine for 3 months then this and this) and by then I'll probably understand what I'm doing more and won't need to be guided by a routine.

Something I need to improve on while lifting is breathing. When I'm lifting I hold my breath in rather than exhaling while exerting force then inhaling.

I should've been looking online for a job on campus but I got lazy and started browsing the internet and watching TV. I also need to start looking online for places that sell the college books I need for cheap.

The past two days I haven't been doing my basketball drills. I've been doing these drills for a couple weeks now to get better at ball handling. Every tuesday I play basketball with my cousins. i'm new at playing so I'm pretty shytty. Can't shoot for shyt, couldn't dribble for shyt, couldn't defend for shyt. I never really liked bball but now I enjoy it a bit more. Anyways, I started watching videos and learning the fundamentals and stuff and I get things better. So I started doing drills so that I could start doing like tricks n stuff. I haven't been being a lazy azz all day, I just haven't been doing the drills. My dad got a basketball court and I've just been practicing shooting. But yeah I should start the drills again. I wanna learn how to dribble without looking at the ball because I'm really dependent on that.

Oh yeah, I've been using myfitnesspal to count calories. I really didn't like it at first because it wasn't accurate. But then I thought and came to understand that counting calories in general isn't accurate. It's all just estimation. The nutrient label itself is an estimation. Myfitnesspal is an estimation. My TDEE is an estimation. I pretty much just renounced accuracy and instead when inputting the foods I eat I try to underestimate cuz I'm bulking. And when I'm cutting I'll just overestimate the calories in food.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Stronglifts is fine. Just read up on how reps and weight work together on that program so you understand its progression. You wont be adding as much on overhead as the others for long. You should add at least 100lbs on the others with ease. Watch your form.

 

[Ronaldo7]

Look at what you type. You still type "i quit on this", "i completely quit on this", etc. You try to justify yourself, but the common trend is that you quit or never end up doing it.

You don't have it in you to chase your dreams/objectives/goals. You justify doing it late due to your willpower. The world waits for no one. You will always be behind the rest with that type of mentality. Being lazy is a trait of failures and people who end up on the streets/working at McDonalds. Don't end up like that. Rid yourself of that trait and your life will change. UNTIL then..... You will still quit on your goals and look back at them with the regret of an underachiever.

 

[Milks]

8-10-14

I weighed myself friday morning and I lost half a pound. On tuesday I was 300 calories under, Wednesday 700 calories under, and Thursday 500 calories under. The latter part of the week I was running out of food to eat. I got really tired of eating eggs and rice until we went grocery shopping Thursday night. Im gonna try not to eat under at all this week and weigh myself again at the end of the week. If I still haven't gained weight then I'll add more calories.

I went up to 60 lbs on the workouts. During one of the workouts last week I was overarching my back during the overhead press, didnt realize at the time so on fridays workout I made sure not to do it.

College starts in 2 weeks.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

8-10-14

I weighed myself friday morning and I lost half a pound. On tuesday I was 300 calories under, Wednesday 700 calories under, and Thursday 500 calories under. The latter part of the week I was running out of food to eat. I got really tired of eating eggs and rice until we went grocery shopping Thursday night. Im gonna try not to eat under at all this week and weigh myself again at the end of the week. If I still haven't gained weight then I'll add more calories.

I went up to 60 lbs on the workouts. During one of the workouts last week I was overarching my back during the overhead press, didnt realize at the time so on fridays workout I made sure not to do it.

College starts in 2 weeks.

I wouldn't be surprised if you managed to add 5 lbs each workout instead of each week.

 

[Milks]

I wouldn't be surprised if you managed to add 5 lbs each workout instead of each week.

I'm gonna do that starting next week.

8/18/14
Quick update cuz it's late.

Some +'s
-Finished reading the whole DJ Bible
-weighed myself a few days ago, gained a pound
-got really good deals on college books, saved about $300, really happy bout that
-been like 2-3 weeks of no fap, don't plan on relapsing at all
-about a month now of no porn, don't plan on watching ever again
-college starts next week really excited (really excited to use the gym for the first time too)

Some -'s
-Started playing alot of videogames again since last post
-haven't been looking for a job and still haven't updated my resume cuz im lazy
-ate fried food some time last week, but it did help me reach my caloric needs that day
-occasional days where I'm under calories

 

[Milks]

8-24-14
Week recap
-Weighed myself on friday, was about 131, meaning I gained 2 pounds since last week. I did eat at a buffet the night before so on Saturday, weighed myself again was borderline 130. I think I'll go up to 147 before cutting down. Then I'll probably go down 132. Then go up 20 pounds, then cut 15 pounds of fat and repeat.
-I started reading Starting Strength. Just trying to educate myself as much as I can in bodybuilding so I don't f*ck up and somehow get worse looking or snap my back or something.
-I opened a savings account and checkings account. Makes me kinda wish I paid more attention when I did financial literacy rather than just do stuff for the grade.
-I kept playing videogames this week but the last couple of days, I stopped playing. I was getting really bored of them. Maybe my like school/work mindset just kicked in. I'm putting the video games away for a while. For the next couple of months I just wanna focus on school, gym, and my job when I get one.
-I reread this book my college gave me it has like effective study tips and stuff. it's called the The A Game, pretty good read, has good studying tips I'm gonna do cuz I really want to do great in college, cuz I'm paying for it. When I was a freshman in highschool I really wanted to become Valedictorian but fell apart when I started doing extracurriculars and doing AP courses. But college is kind of a new start for me, so now, I'm setting my eyes on summa c.um laude. Plus it would really make my dad happy cuz he's been telling to do my best in school since I was in like kindergarden. But I think setting a goal to "become summa c.um laude" is a bad goal. My goal in college is pretty much just to do my absolute best, not my half-assed best I've pretty much done in the past.

Long Term Goal:
3. Give college my absolute best (but to still have a good time)

How?
3. a. Sit in the front row of every class. No distractions, no chance to **** around.
3. b. ask questions. Yeah, seems pretty obvious but in highschool I was a shy f*ck and was usually embarassed to ask for help, in fear of looking stupid. But, I'm not letting my ego get in the way this time.
3. c. don't procrastinate on work. I'm promising that I'm not gonna procrastinate on work at all. If a project gets assigned tomorrow that's due in 4 months. I'm gonna start day as soon as I get home.
3. d. Instead of having long, boring @ss study sessions, I'm gonna break up studying into 1 hour intervals throughout the day. Retention is better this way.
3. e. If I have down time, I'm gonna read a chapter ahead. My 8th grade teacher did this when he was in college, and he was very successful in college.

(These goals are for when I have my down time)
4. Finish reading Starting Strength. (Well, this one is kinda important cuz I'm gonna be getting to heavier weight.) Tomorrow as soon as class, is over I'm heading straight to the gym, just hope there aren't too many people. Starting at 70 lbs and gonna go 5 lbs every workout now.

5. Finish Poison For the Heart This book just really interested me. Just a philosophy book about absolutism.

Goals for the week:
1. Say Hi and make a short conversation with atleast one person in every class.
2. Ask atleast 1 girl for her number.
3. Schedule a meeting in September with an academic advisor.

Goals For Monday:
1. Order my last two books. cuz my order got cancelled.
2. Call my schools employment center.
3. Start resume. (I'll save you the excuses. I'll just actually do it tomorrow. and if I don't, as punishment, on Tuesday I'll hit on the first 20 girls I see)

quote for the day: "Planning, plotting, and scheming won't replace just f*cking doing it"

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Dont worry about sitting in front, just dont sit in the back.

Talk to someone in every class, every day. It's easy and you might as well get in the habit early. People are also more welcoming early in the year.

Party as much as you can. Study more than you party. Sleep more than you study.

 

[Milks]

Goals for the week:
1. Say Hi and make a short conversation with atleast one person in every class. 2/5
2. Ask atleast 1 girl for her number.
3. Schedule a meeting in September with an academic advisor.

Goals For Monday:
1. Order my last two books. cuz my order got cancelled. Dun
2. Call my schools employment center Didn't have the time, I started doing homework as soon as I got home and by the time I was done it was already late. Will do it this week though.
3. Start resume. (I'll save you the excuses. I'll just actually do it tomorrow. and if I don't, as punishment, on Tuesday I'll hit on the first 20 girls I see) Writing it right now, just stopped to update journal. Gonna sleep soon though so will continue it tomorrow.

Had a pretty good day. Sat in front during my first class, pretty cool guy. Seems laid back and like an easy class. Talked to a couple people. After that, my prof for engineering cancelled class today. During my hour off, I toured the campus a little, then sat on a bench and read a few pages of Starting Strength. left, then actually met some old classmates. Really cool cuz so far I hadn't seen anyone I knew. I asked some friends to come with me to the gym later.

One of my friends a year ahead of me had a job at a preschool. I told him I wanted to get a job soon. He said the preschool jobs pretty cool. Pays $8 an hour. He said they were looking for guys for the job. Also said that if I wanted it he'd recommend me. I aimed my resume towards this job. But idk if I want the job yet. I like kids but preschoolers might be too chaotic for me to handle. If I see him tomorrow I'll ask him about the job more.

Went to precalc 2. Seems like a cool guy as well, and judging from the syllabus it's stuff I've had experience with so might be an easy class. I really wanted to get into Calc and was kinda pissed that I got placed into precalc but I think it might be good for me. I had a bad math teacher in 10th grade and didn't really understand some fundamentals I should have.

Went to the gym too, worst part of my day. I waited for one friend, when he got there he told me he didnt want to go to the gym today. So dammit, gonna have to do this alone. My other friend never showed up. It was really f*cking intimidating. All these f*cking huge guys and then theres me the weak new guy.I'm just looking around trying to figure out where the appropriate place is to do my workout (pretty much just where to deadlift and OHP). Most people were doing machines and benchpresses. Didn't see anyone doing deadlifts or OHP. There were a ton of f*cking machines. And it was kind of crowded. Sh*t ton of people using the squat racks and power lifting racks so I decide to do bench press instead of OHP today. For some reason I forgot how to count and ended up putting like 120 lbs on a bench. Hardly lifted it then realised i put too much weight on, de racked. Tried 100 lbs for some reason still forgot how to count. de racked. Went down to the weight I did at home. Pushed it up and brought down to my chest and holy sh*t. I couldn't f*cking lift it back up. The freaking bars at the gym were like 30 lbs by themselves. So I was pretty much trying to lift about 30 lbs over last week. I had to do the roll of the shame to get the bar off my body. Some dude asked me if I needed help right as I got it off. F*ck that was embarrassing lol my legs were like kicking and sh!t trying to get it off...

Anyways,put up 1 plate of 25 lbs on each side. Try to lift it. It's manageable but still heavy. First two sets i did 5 reps. Last 3 I started struggling and shaking and sh*t. Decided to do 3 reps instead of 5 for the last sets. I didn't want to de rack again cuz so far, I've wasted ALOT of time on that bench press. Lol also I'm kinda weird during rest periods. Like idk what the hell to do while I rest I just end up staring at people do their workouts like a psychopath.

Asked people if they were done doing their workout while walking around to see if I could use a bar that no one was using and just generally staring at ppl. Powerlifting rack was done being used. This time I decided to warm up first, and just squatted the bar. Then added 20 lbs on each side. So I guess around 70 lbs in all. On last set, a guy asked me if I was almost done. Told him I had 1 set left. Started standing around waiting for me, kinda awkward especially since I was resting and not doing thing. I just decided to quickly do my last set so this guy can use the rack. Had 1 workout left: deadlifts. Had no idea where to do them... I guess the best place would've maybe been the powerlifting rack, but I just let the guy have it. It was crowded still and I didn't wanna wait so I just decide to deadlifts at home later.

Yeah, it was pretty embarrassing. But I'm going back on Wednesday hopefully it turns out better. I'm just gonna try to not care about looking stupid on wednesday. You gotta start somewhere, and everyone at the gym has something they have to work in. I just gotta realize that all these awkward feelings I get are just in my head, that probably no one gives a sh*t that I'm new, no ones watching me. So yeah looking forward to Wednesday.

Before I left campus, I surprisingly saw Wendy walking. I Said Hi, she was lost and I helped her find her class. Made small talk, gave me an awkward hug when I left. I went for a handshake and she gave me hug. Gotta get used to kino... Not really a touchy person. I deleted her number from my phone a while back, thought about asking for it again, but opted out. There's nothing there so would've been pointless.

Went home started doing homework that was due Friday. It was just a diagnostic test, but I spent time relearning some Calculus stuff. So took like 3 hours.Then ordered my books. Started writing resume, and now I'm writing this. It's almost 11 so I'm gonna sleep pretty soon... Tomorrow I'm going to the gym again, but I'm not weightlifting tomorrow. I asked some people if they wanted to play some basketball tomorrow hopefully they come tomorrow.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

No one really notices you at the gym.

Also, olympic bars, which most gyms use, are 40 lbs.

 

[Milks]

Goals for the week:
1. Say Hi and make a short conversation with atleast one person in every class. 4/5 haven't said a word in my Soc class yet.
2. Ask atleast 1 girl for her number. Didn't do it. It was on my mind Thursday and Friday but just couldn't do it. Earlier in the week I saw a decently cute girl from my English class sitting by herself. Should've done it right there.
3. Schedule a meeting in September with an academic advisor. I called but it was past business hours. Left a message, I'll call again this week.

Goals For Monday:
2. Call my schools employment center. Called past business hours. Will call again

First week of college was fun. When I came home Friday I was exhausted though. First time I was like cranky tired in a long time. I was tired through Saturday. Spent those two days on my couch watching TV and sleeping. Feel bad about not doing anything those two days.

No school today, went to the gym. It was kinda crowded today wasn't expecting that. Lifting stats right now are: OHP 75 lbs. Back Squat 95 lbs. Deadlift 85 lbs. So on my OHP last two sets I only managed 4 reps out of 5. Routines still the same 5x5 on OHP and Squat, 1x5 deadlift. Read a bit more of Starting Strength (SS) and changed my grip on squat to straight wrists. I'm not doing enough upper body I think. I'll try to read more this week and i'll probably change routine to SS. SS is a good book, goes into detail as to why you should do this or that rather than just telling you should do it. Don't really feel any fatigue in my muscles after the gym today.

Kinda stressing myself about doing hw and getting ahead on stuff so I don't get behind. I need to relax a bit.

Uncompleted goals will carry over to this week.

I think I had more to talk about but can't remember it right now. Whatever I'm tired.

 

[Milks]

9-22-14

I got sick last week (the guy I used the bench press after was sick) and I skipped Wednesday and Friday workouts too rest up. I think I lost a pound or two, I didn't really have an appetite last week is why. I was like 134 or 5 last week, weight myself today and was 133.5. Anyways, went back to gym today. Squats and deadlift have been progressing easy, I'm sure I can deadlift more but for some reason I just always choose to deadlift the same as my squat. My bench press and OHP have been going really slowly. Like sometimes not even able to add 5lbs a workout. Today, I wasn't even supposed to add 5lbs cuz last week my bench at 95 went like 5/5/5/4/3 but I decided to anyway cuz I bench pressed in the power rack today. was awesome. I don't like to ask for a spotter cuz I don't like to bug people at the gym or im just too shy to but thanks to the safety bars didn't need to. Anyways, my bench press is soo slow going up, I'm thinking I should eat more.

Stats now are:

OHP: 85 (haven't done it in a while)
Bench: 100
Squat: 155 (started moving up about 10 lbs per workout)
Deadlift: 155
Chin-ups: (3xuntil failure) went like 4/3/3, bodyweight

I've kinda reverted back to being a little quieter in classes. When I started I tried to make like an effort to talk to people and be a little outgoing. Like everyday, I'd try throw out a "hey how's it going man" to the guy next to me. I think It was cus I thought I would have to make some new friends in college but when I found out some ppl from highschool were here and I started hanging out with them I didn't feel the need to try anymore? Now I just kinda come and sit down, check stuff on my phone maybe. Idk just an observation.

The only thing I haven't been doing is trying to get at girls. Idk why... I guess I'm just too busy hanging with my friends? Idk? Maybe it's cuz I think I'm too scrawny, small, and nerdy looking? Insecurity? Idk. Like not really in a pessimistic way, I think. I know I'm skinny but I honestly know that it's not a hinderance, like if I talk to a girl I don't think about all that stuff or am nervous about, I can get it out of my head. I think it's because I know it's not really gonna be effective. I'm not really afraid of getting rejected or looking stupid. I think it's just because I know it won't work (optimally) the way as I am now. I guess I've been thinking that maybe I should just wait til I gain a little mass and look a bit better? Like I said, I'm not really thinking it's insecurity. But if I did decide to wait maybe i'd just find another reason to not go after girls. "I don't have a car yet, I wouldn't know where to take her." Maybe I'm afraid of succeeding. That I wouldn't know what to do if I did get someone's number, because honestly, I really wouldn't know. Idk, it's just kind of jumbled in my head right now why I haven't done it. Mixed messages come up when I see an opportunity. I have no feelings of nervousness when I see my opportunity to strike but then last minute go "naww." Idk it's just weird.

I haven't been really looking for a job either. I did call up the employment center, look around at the jobs. Didn't really see anything I felt I could do. Decided that I should just try outside school. Then that's where I'm at. Do I really want a job? I want money but I need a job for money. Money would be great cuz i could buy like food and supplements and stuff, get insurance, and other stuff. I think the reason I haven't been trying as hard as I can to get a job is I think i might just not be able to handle it. Gym, school, studying, sleep and to add to it work? I'm pretty sure I'd have sacrifice one of these. But I don't have to get a full-time job. I could get a part-time job. but idk, what part-time jobs are there I could do. idk. I gotta look into it. I wish there was a job that had me only working on weekends. I just lay around on weekends. **** man but if I get a job I'd hate to go to school and then go to a job... idk. Maybe I just don't really know what I want right now. I' turning 19 next week, but I'm still very much a kid lol.

it's getting late I'm done rambling for today.

 

[Milks]

10-13-14
Wtf? It's been three weeks since I updated? I could've sworn I only skipped 1 week.

Anyways I've been pretty busy with school work lately, been getting a **** ton of work. I stalled on my lifts for a couple weeks but just started making progress once again. Since last time I deloaded on my deadlifts because it's been getting harder to hold onto the bar. I was at 200 lbs before deloading. I have overactive sweat glands so it's a pain in the ass just holding the bar. I should buy chalk or something. It was also banging against my shins and scraping them and it was pissing me off. Deadlifts have become the workout I dread.

My lifts right now are:
OHP: 90
Bench: 110
Squat: 200
Deadlift: 185
Chin ups: 5/5/5
Dips: 3/3/2

Dips and chin ups are slowly getting better. My dad bought an ab wheel a while back. I'ma start using it for core.

Current Goals for each are:
OHP: 135
Bench: 225
Squat: 315
Deadlift: 405
Chin ups: 15/15/15 then I'll start doing em weighted
Dips: 15/15/15 same thing

*current weight is about 140.

 

[Milks]

Man wtf. I accidentally pressed back space and erased everything i wrote. F*ck it Ill rewrite it later. I have a midterm today and gotta catch up on some sleep.

I have a bizarre story to tell involving a girl telling me she was single and giving me her number only to realize she lied to me and actually had a boyfriend... and gave me her boyfriend's number. F*cking weirdo.

 

[Milks]

11-18-14

I changed my routine to starting strength. I kinda agree with claims around the internet stating that 5x5 is too much volume for a beginner. My lifts were kind of stalling, could of been because I didn't eat enough or get enough rest though. bad warmup sets could have been a problem too. I was doing warm ups that tired me, pretty much acting just as a poorly planned set. BUT I fixed my problems. Improved warm up sets. Made sure that I definitely hit my calorie goals, or at least close to it (was getting a bit lazy for a while). Limited playing games like basketball right after lifting. Along with power cleans my lifts started increasing a bit.

Bodyweight: around 144
OHP: 100
Bench: 125
Squat: 220 (so close to 2 plate!)
Deadlift: 235 (finally higher than my squat, perfected my form, it stills getting up there)
Power cleans: only 95

I just started doing the cleans. I got help on my form from my friend and I asked for advice from a guy in the gym. Im power cleaning wednesday, just need to put emphasis on the hip thrusting.

Ive been getting a bit of a belly. I get insecure about it sometimes, I really cant wait to just cut. Beginning of February is when I begin. Ill buy protein powder then to drink after workouts.

For the last two weeks ive been trying to schedule therapy but I keep on calling after their hours. I even left a message but they still haven't replied. Its free so I figured why not. I have issues I wanna get rid of. I have social anxiety. Ive been trying to battle it for the last month or so. I always had it I just never really acknowledged it I guess. When id walk around on campus , especially in big crowds and when im walking by myself, I feel like everyones watching me. So id make sure to walk "normally", which ends up making me look weirder. Id change rythym every so often. Id have ticks like taking breathing in deeply or fidgetting my jaw. I just try to keep my mind on other things lately, try not to care. Could be I have an inferiority complex.

Lately ive just been really insecure. Idk why. Ive been trying to combat it. Started rereading articles about confidence on sosuave, even reading the book of pook again to bring myself back up. Ive been here all before so im not trying to get stuck in some vicious cycle Im making sure to internalize it. Primarily just trying to rewire my thinking. Afterall its all derived from thoughts. So yeah ive just been trying to have a better outlook on things.