mental lack-of-erection issues

[realsmoothie]

For those of you that don't know, I'm a 32 year old guy that only started turning around his sexual life maybe a couple of years ago. I'm maybe 25-50% better than I was at that time. Up until age 30 I'd had sex with two women (one my first girlfriend) and fooled around (petting) with maybe ten others. The last time I banged a girl was five years ago, and it happened once before she got super-clingly and sh*t went nuts so I took off.

I've started seeing this 20 year cutie who is not really dating material due to her immaturity. However, it's pretty much assumed that we're at FB stage. We made out at the bar a couple of times, the second time result in me stumbling off the dance floor with a pretty good boner. On Friday I arranged for us to watch a movie at her place.

We watched the movie, her in my arms, nothing happening, and then when it was over we sorta cuddled and chatted for a bit. I was pretty nervous (as was she), since I knew that I could have her that night and hadn't done that much in a long time.

It took an hour or two but finally we start making out. It very slowly progresses to heavy petting, and after another couple of hours finally she's grinding away at my crotch and then asks if we're going to go all the way. I say damn straight, we retire to her bedroom around 5 a.m..

Once there the clothes come off, I fondle her and finger her and so on for a bit. She starts stroking me off, I get hard again and get even kind of close to cumming... and after a bit I pull away and start to finger her again. I lose my woody and when she goes back after it it's softer than it has been all night.

I'm sitting there like "WTF" to myself. I don't really feel that nervous. I've been fooling around with this girl for six hours and just as I'm about to get it on my wang goes completely unresponsive. She's like "it's pretty late, do you want to try this some other time" and I'm like OK. I'm kinda tired but horny and now pissed off at myself.

I'm trying to figure out what happened. The last time I had intercourse the same thing happened to a point but I got it hard myself and just "stuff and pump"ed it and then it stayed hard.

I can get hard watching porn no problem, and I'm sure she could jerk me off/blow me to an orgasm no problem. But for some reason I'm going soft just at the point I'm getting ready to go.

I wonder if the condom is a problem, being kind of scared of them. But it's definitely clear that there's some kind of mental block going on.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I was really pumped about finally getting laid and getting back on track, this is kind of freaking me out.

NOTE: I'd have put this in the health/fitness thing but it's clearly a mental issue.

 

[realsmoothie]

Alright you guys need some help, I had the same problem, there a few solutions to this. It is very common and it happens to every guy at some point.

1) You are uncomfortable having sex with her for some reason, maybe you should talk about it, and get comfortable. Comfort is the key, in this case if you don't talk about what might be bothering you, you will keep running into the same problem and not have intercourse, and **** will hit the fan.

2) The fact you know you are going to get laid and lead to a mental orgasim, and thus a failed erection. Try not to thing about the fact you are getting laid, and the possibility she almost made you come is a problem, just come and then wait a few minutes get hard and have sex, or instead of waiting give her Oral Pleasure until you get hard, then do the deed.

3) Could be medical conditions, maybe you should talk to a doctor and see if they can help.

Now at first I thought something was seriously wrong, and when I told my girl how I felt, we talked for hours, and well we found out were were both uncomfortable with a few things we wanted from each other, so we compromised and I haven't had a problem yet. So try talking about it first, find out what drives her nuts, and what really gets you going. and take it from there. Sometimes just talking about it can set something off, and next thing you know you are lying in bed going. Damn that was awsome sex.

Till Next time

Payne

Heh... I'm not 18 anymore.... I can't just come and then wait five minutes to get another boner, LOL.

As for being uncomfortable, well, of course. I haven't actually put my **** in a girl for five years! So there is some stress going on.

I think I'm just going to try again tomorrow and hopefully not take until six in the mornign to get things going this time. I've already asked her to hang out and (big surprise) she didn't seem all that enthusiastic. Damn it! At least, as far as I'm concerned, once I get this first time over with it should go away.

Anyone else who's older have this kind of mental paralysis?

 

[miguel t]

Heh... I'm not 18 anymore.... I can't just come and then wait five minutes to get another boner, LOL.

As for being uncomfortable, well, of course. I haven't actually put my **** in a girl for five years! So there is some stress going on.

I think I'm just going to try again tomorrow and hopefully not take until six in the mornign to get things going this time. I've already asked her to hang out and (big surprise) she didn't seem all that enthusiastic. Damn it! At least, as far as I'm concerned, once I get this first time over with it should go away.

Anyone else who's older have this kind of mental paralysis?

I hate to tell you this, but it's going to get worse as you get older. Men's sexual prime age is 18 to 25. I'm 33, and i have been having some difficulty getting it up lately. All i can tell you is sleep/rest alot, and don't jerk off too much. It is one of many signs that your body is telling you are getting older ... I know it is frustrating and sucks big time.

 

[realsmoothie]

I hate to tell you this, but it's going to get worse as you get older. Men's sexual prime age is 18 to 25. I'm 33, and i have been having some difficulty getting it up lately. All i can tell you is sleep/rest alot, and don't jerk off too much. It is one of many signs that your body is telling you are getting older ... I know it is frustrating and sucks big time.

Oh, I know that we're slowing down as we age. I don't get those surprise boners that I got in high school.

But my body is still in the same shape it was in my early twenties. I still have NO problem getting a woody when there is porn on the screen... it may not be as consistently rock-hard as when I was younger, and I can't get it up after coming as quickly, but it's still there. This is a mental thing.

I definitely need to stop watching porn at all costs, that's for sure!

 

[Vulpine]

Get started earlier.

5 a.m.? Seriously? No wonder you couldn't get a stiffy. That's the only time I ever have any problems with wood: when I've been awake too long and I'm physically exhausted. Sure, you're brain is all like "COME ON! LET'S FUX THIS BIDGE!" But, your Willis is all like "Yawn. What time is it? *Scrach*Scratch*" It's not a big mind job... men don't get that shi+, women do.

Don't go freaking out about "OMG, I should talk to my doctor about Cialis!" That's crap. Just get started sooner and learn a lesson here: You aren't a damn 17-year-old. Forcing it a 5 a.m. is novice sh!t. It's a good thing she offered to "try again some other (better) time?"

Take a nap before you go on a late night date, that helps too.

 

[Doggystyle]

20 year old....good work!
I've found this before, when i've fooled around too long with a girl (couple of hours) even though you have had major wood most of the time, gradually over time you become less responsive, like you adapt to it and "it" becomes tired or something. Best thing to do is to keep forplay and stuff a bit sorter i find.

 

[st_99]

I've had problems keeping an erection while in the middle of going at it, sucks because I just pretend like I came and then stop... although that had its benefits because you're more likely to get another woody very quickly and go back at it which makes you seem like a stud..:rock:

I find the more I am in touch with a girl emotionally (sounds corny), I never have those problems..

 

[realsmoothie]

LOL Vulpine, you crack me up. Don't worry, I won't be taking any blue pills (not sure what colour Cialis is). Hopefully by the time I get REAL wood issues there will be a "cure" or something... not likely, though, since the medical industry never "cures" anything, they just develop a drug that you must keep buying.

Doggy: good point. I think you do get less responsive over time. I was running on something like five hours of fooling around at that point.

st: LOL, you FAKED it? I don't know if I could do that without cracking up "uh... yeah.... *snicker*.... YEAHHHHH... *snort*".

 

[Mikeman!]

I have these issues at times as well.

What I find has helped me out quite a bit is taking this daily and if possible, again, 30min before sex:

900mg Yohimbine
900mg Horny Goat Weed
1500mg L-Arginine
800mg Ginko Biloba

It gets the blood flowing and libido going...

 

[KarmaSutra]

I used to have a similar problem with her on top. If she was on top I lost wood immediately. Until I met wife #1. She and I began to look into our sexual history and noticed I could only come in a power position. A position of which I was the one in control, doggie or standing up being the most exclusive. Once we realized this and I was able to acknowledge the problem not the symptom, I was able to get over it and she would ride it until raw

 

[lee36044]

LOL Vulpine, you crack me up. Don't worry, I won't be taking any blue pills (not sure what colour Cialis is). Hopefully by the time I get REAL wood issues there will be a "cure" or something... not likely, though, since the medical industry never "cures" anything, they just develop a drug that you must keep buying.

Don't deride the little blue pills ... although I agree they are better avoided when they aren't needed. I went through a similar period a few years back. Definite mental issue due to the situation with the current wife and some holdover from a long term relationship I had gotten out of not long before the marriage. It ended up with the marriage failing and the "poor sexual performance" being used as one of the reasons. It can still affect me to this day ... especially with women I really want to spend a lot more time with.

You have lots of good advice already but go one step further. Talk to your doctor. It turned out my issue wasn't entirely mental. I'm a few years older than you but I started seeing some of the same problems at about your age. You are at a point where lots of things start changing in your body. High blood pressure ... even borderline, causes your symptoms. Also depression (yeah it's mental but without treating the cause, the symptom won't go away either). Sleep disorders ... even mild apnea can affect it. Stress! most common factor ... usually from work. Alcohol ... even a few beers can contribute. Caffiene can do it!

Sure ... using viagra, levitra, or cialis isn't the best solution but my doctor recommended levitra and suggested only using it when really necessary ... just have it as backup. It works and it addresses all the issues. Even the confidence / worry issues that can cause it to happen just because you are desperately praying it won't happen again this time! It gets worse every time you have a failure ... I know. It can become a never ending downward spiral that gets harder to stop every time your body lets you down ... if you let it!

In my case, the combination of mental issues, borderline high blood pressure, and medication for a sleep disorder caused it. Levitra solved it for the short term. Exercise and a better diet have done even more. And just the knowledge that if it happens again I have a little pill to fall back on cuts the performance anxiety down to nothing. The only time I ever have problems these days are really late nights or after too much drinking!

Listen to the good advice from the guys on here. Avoid alcohol and caffiene before. Plenty of rest beforehand. Initiate the action as early as you can. And if you still have problems ... especially if you start losing erection during sex ... see your doc and let him give you something that really will help. It's amazing how much of the problem can be solved just by using the pill crutch long enough to address all of the other issues properly! Every success feeds the loop in a positive way until finally you are back to as normal as you ever were and don't need the crutch as often, if at all, anymore.

Regards

 

[Latinoman]

SIX hours of dancing... 5:00 A.M....new chick...5 years without sex...AND condom.

Yep...no wonder you got soft.

Anxiety...with lack of rest...and the condom thing can do it to you.

You win nothing by worrying about it. In fact...you need to bust that nutt on her now in order to get your mind back on track.

 

[realsmoothie]

SIX hours of dancing... 5:00 A.M....new chick...5 years without sex...AND condom.

Yep...no wonder you got soft.

Anxiety...with lack of rest...and the condom thing can do it to you.

You win nothing by worrying about it. In fact...you need to bust that nutt on her now in order to get your mind back on track.

You're right.... problem is, was at the bar with that girl last night and everything went kablooey. Just as I suspected (and what usually happens)... as soon as I get physical with a girl they get "attached"... she wants a relationship and I explained to her that it wasn't going to happen.

D'oh! I really needed that easy lay. That I was so close and it didn't happen is VERY FRUSTRATING!!!!!!

 

[Latinoman]

You're right.... problem is, was at the bar with that girl last night and everything went kablooey. Just as I suspected (and what usually happens)... as soon as I get physical with a girl they get "attached"... she wants a relationship and I explained to her that it wasn't going to happen.

D'oh! I really needed that easy lay. That I was so close and it didn't happen is VERY FRUSTRATING!!!!!!

Hey...if you don't want her to attach and truly want to make her a one-night-stand...you can always do one of those Oscar-winning performances. Such as acting concerned or like having issues. It works wonders if you are cheating on your partner and the woman you are cheating with KNOWS it.

 

[realsmoothie]

Hey...if you don't want her to attach and truly want to make her a one-night-stand...you can always do one of those Oscar-winning performances. Such as acting concerned or like having issues. It works wonders if you are cheating on your partner and the woman you are cheating with KNOWS it.

Oh, no, trust me, I could have played her into something like that. I could have said "OK let's try dating", bang her, then say something like "it's not working out".

But honestly, I've known this girl for more than a year from the bar I go to all the time and #1 I don't want to make her feel any crappier than she does right now and #2 I don't want to piss off someone who goes to that bar. She's good social proof when I'm there as someone to hang out with.

I'm not one for lying my way into a girl's panties, anyhow.

 

[miguel t]

Don't deride the little blue pills ... although I agree they are better avoided when they aren't needed. I went through a similar period a few years back. Definite mental issue due to the situation with the current wife and some holdover from a long term relationship I had gotten out of not long before the marriage. It ended up with the marriage failing and the "poor sexual performance" being used as one of the reasons. It can still affect me to this day ... especially with women I really want to spend a lot more time with.

You have lots of good advice already but go one step further. Talk to your doctor. It turned out my issue wasn't entirely mental. I'm a few years older than you but I started seeing some of the same problems at about your age. You are at a point where lots of things start changing in your body. High blood pressure ... even borderline, causes your symptoms. Also depression (yeah it's mental but without treating the cause, the symptom won't go away either). Sleep disorders ... even mild apnea can affect it. Stress! most common factor ... usually from work. Alcohol ... even a few beers can contribute. Caffiene can do it!

Sure ... using viagra, levitra, or cialis isn't the best solution but my doctor recommended levitra and suggested only using it when really necessary ... just have it as backup. It works and it addresses all the issues. Even the confidence / worry issues that can cause it to happen just because you are desperately praying it won't happen again this time! It gets worse every time you have a failure ... I know. It can become a never ending downward spiral that gets harder to stop every time your body lets you down ... if you let it!

In my case, the combination of mental issues, borderline high blood pressure, and medication for a sleep disorder caused it. Levitra solved it for the short term. Exercise and a better diet have done even more. And just the knowledge that if it happens again I have a little pill to fall back on cuts the performance anxiety down to nothing. The only time I ever have problems these days are really late nights or after too much drinking!

Listen to the good advice from the guys on here. Avoid alcohol and caffiene before. Plenty of rest beforehand. Initiate the action as early as you can. And if you still have problems ... especially if you start losing erection during sex ... see your doc and let him give you something that really will help. It's amazing how much of the problem can be solved just by using the pill crutch long enough to address all of the other issues properly! Every success feeds the loop in a positive way until finally you are back to as normal as you ever were and don't need the crutch as often, if at all, anymore.

Regards

Good advice. I've heard that ED is a common problem with men, and is also easy to be treated.

 

[lee36044]

Yeah most refuse to admit it, won't discuss it, and quietly go nuts because of it. My doc says he see's more guys in their early to mid thirties for it than you would think. Sad thing is if you seek treatment when it first shows up ... it is so much easier to treat. The longer you wait, the more emotional garbage builds up that has to be dealt with too.

 

[Aaron B]

I'm 31, and the last three nights I've experienced the best erections of my life.

My wife has been amazed at the size and hardness of my erections.

I eat a healthy diet, I lift weights, and I do cardio twice a week.

I also get plenty of rest, and do kegel exercises 2 to 3 times per week.

 

[realsmoothie]

UPDATE: it's definitely mental.

Went out to the bar last night with a married co-worker. We do this every once in a while, just for fun, her husband knows it and is OK.

Got really hammered, come back to my place around 2:30. Have MORE drinks. Start goofing around... and it's Boner-Time 2K7. I'm REALLY agressive thanks to the alcohol, pretty much pulling her down onto the couch. I finger this girl to a couple of orgasms (geez she's easy) and she starts kissing her way down my stomach and I'm like YES here we GO... and she starts unbuckling me and I'm still hard and then... UH OH... my stomach starts churning.

I was gonna barf. I sit up and tell her so. Thank God I didn't... it went away but nice timing there, barfy.

So the previous lack-of-erection was definitely mental. The alcohol fueled my agression and made me less stressed out... even when it was really late and with someone I probably shouldn't be with (a married woman... though admittedly they have an open relationship... the bigger factor is that she is a co-worker for another couple of weeks).

Damn, now I'm dying to get back to the first girl... or the next!

 

[-HPNOTIQ-]

When did people forget that having sex is a workout?

Hey bro...I feel your struggle.

But do me this favor...I want you to assess these points in your life:

*How is your diet?
*Are you overweight?
*Do you have a desk job?
*Are you confident in your body image?
*Do you perform any steady rate (30 minutes or more) cardio weekly?
*Do you stretch?

Sex is a workout..plain and simple. I approach sex like running a 10k (6.2 mile) race. You wouldn't run a 6.2 mile race 30lbs overweight, without stretching, after you've scarffed down 3 slices of pizza and two heinekins would you?

Simple Anatomy 101 tells us that the penis is just an organ with tissue, that expands when blood flows to it - thus causing our erection. So, how do you expect the blood to flow to your member if you're not working out, there's inadequate blood flow to your body, and your arteries are clogged with greasy french fries.

My advice to you and to all the guys reading this reply is to get your body in shape, enough where you can do 30 minutes of heart pumping cardio with easy (get advice from your MD first though). Just the mere change of dropping weigh will not only make physically better, but, your self confidence will improve as well...also, working out is the best way to relieve that work stress that is giving you that high blood pressure and constricting the blood flow to your tool.

Also, before your next sexual encounter..I recommend doing some thigh, quad, and hamstring stretches before going on that date. Sitting at a desk 40 hours/week during work lessens the blood flow to many parts of your body..including the penis. Just the simple art of stretching will loosen up that blood flow and hopefully loosen up that libido..