Well, I can relate to exactly what you're saying. I was exactly where you are in the early days of my drinking career. I'm going to respond to some of your comments from the mindset of a fifteen year drunk. Not saying you're headed to the same place where I was. I can only tell you how I thought and acted and hope you'll take something away from it. I don't have much wiggle room when it comes to booze. I'm sober 11 years next month BTW...
So
I have come to a state where I only feel good about myself and see everything positively when I've had a few drinks. And I do mean a few (2-3). I never drink so much where I get a hangover the next day and when I do, people don't notice it when I'm drunk, besides being a bit more talkative.
I can not function, let alone be comfortable, unless I'm drinking. Doesn't matter what it is or how much. 1 is too much and a fifth isn't enough. I'm never hung-over the next day because I'm always drunk, or, I'm hung-over and drunk at the same time, if that makes sense. People don't notice when I'm drunk, or if they do, they only consider it as the norm.
I feel and realize this is a very dangerous position to be in. I instantaneously feel better from the moment of that first sip and get down again when my beer is empty and I know it's the last one of the night. I've become dependent on it to feel good as I do feel quite **** and even depressed without it. I'm still responsible with it, I don't drink and drive, I don't drink the day before work besides when there is happening something but then I only drink one or two.
I know this is dangerous and I'm essentially playing Russian roulette with my help but I don't care. I don't feel better when I drink but rather, it chases away me being sick and shaky. I get jittery when I have a drink and know there isn't anything left in the house to replace it. My wife begins pouring out bottles so I begin hiding them underneath the sink, behind the toilet, in the cellar, wherever I can. She still finds them and I blame HER for fvcking up my life. Things would be ok if I was totally alone. I'm still responsible, pay bills, go to work, though I do drive drunk. I'm always drunk. I do everything else while drunk, driving is just another thing.
I also 'need' it when going out with friends. Ok, we know each other for over 10 years so we run out of things to say, but it helps to make the evening good...
I can say that a good friend of mine, who was a drinking buddy of mine, has stuck by me in my sobriety. He still drinks, most likely the same way that I did but hey, that's his choice and his life. He lives about 1,000 miles away from me and when we see each other, we invariably go to a bar. I have soda, he has whiskey. The point being that a real friend will stick with you if you stop drinking and that you can still go out with friends and not drink, if that's what you want. It's up to you.
I want to say no, but to be honest, I can't...
Well, I know that feeling. All I can say is that if you want to say "no," you will. Like I said before, you'll say "no" when you reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired and not until you reach that point.
Good luck. PM me if I can offer any other words