You've Outgrown Your Friends

[WC2]

At what point did you realize you've outgrown your friends? When you finally realized that you need to find some other people to be around to grow as a person?

You're no longer the person you used to be in college. You have aspirations in life to make a name for yourself and do something meaningful.

But for some reason, all of your buddies who you thought would figure it out too, haven't. They're still stuck in this routine of going out to get hammered, hit on chicks, and wake up the next day miserable and barely operating at work.

And when you refuse to stay out till 2AM on a Tuesday night, you're labeled a 'pvssy'.

Sure, all those friends of yours are pulling hot women still, but is that really the point of our existence? I love laying a hot woman as much as the next guy, but to waste all of my time focused on this goal seems like something 'driven' men do not do.

Driven men don't have to hunt for women because they're focus in life is improving themselves, improving the world for others, and ultimately achieving their goals. Women are a second priority which naturally come when you begin to improve yourself.

Yet, your peers still have it the other way around.

Anyone care to share similar experiences?

 

[origin138]

I don't think I ever really outgrew my college friends, we just more or less went our separate ways due to different life goals and differences in locales. We still touch base from time to time and share war stories. Things are pretty much the same because we have a the common bond of spending 4 years together in school, but at the same time it's tricky to find other areas of common ground when some of you work, others are getting married, some are becoming very successful while others aren't, etc. It's just a different context and it can be slightly awkward.

More recently though, a long time friend and I stopped talking. At 35, yes, you can outgrow people. As I started making progress in the world, he really didn't budge at all in the 7 years we were friends. We also started having some fundamental differences on our views on life. He was perfectly OK with staying at home and living off of government handouts, I wasn't. He used adversity as a crutch to justify poor decisions, I used it as motivation. We also didn't see eye to eye on gender issues. He was/is a very blue pill thinker, I'm not. He's also very liberal, and I am not. He's very passive-aggressive, and I'm pretty upfront.

We eventually parted ways due to huge differences in personal development and butting heads on pretty much everything. He would bottle up things for years, then suddenly vanish on you without warning and never have a man to man discussion with you about sh!t that was bothering him. I'm perfectly OK with having friends with different views and opinions. It's nonthreatening to me. But to some, it's devastating that others don't think like them.

In retrospect, I see why we stayed friends for so long. We were cut from the same cloth for a long time, but as time has passed, those things changed drastically for me. I think he sensed it, and it bothered him.

I've reached out once to him to try to make things right. No reply, and I've accepted it. I won't try again.

Anytime you move to a different level on the emotional development scale, you will lose friends as well as gain new ones. It's a bittersweet thing. On one hand you're moving up in the world and developing as a human being, on the other hand you're finding yourself at odds with some people around you who, for whatever reason, aren't ready to develop at that moment in time. Works the same way with relationships. They usually fail when the couple doesn't grow together, and one outgrows the other to the point where attraction is nonexistent.

This is sounding very cosmo, so I'll end it here.

 

[WC2]

Awesome reply.. thanks for that.

So did you tend to gravitate towards the people you work with? I guess my issue is that if you live in a big city (NYC), it's vital to have people you can connect with after work, on the weekends, on holidays, etc.

For the past 2 years, it's been old friends who live in the city with me. However now that I'm starting to 'grow', I've started mixing in with other circles that have similar aspirations to mine. Coincidentally, most of these people are my co-workers.

Not that that's a bad thing.. however I guess it's good to have circles outside of your professional life as well. I don't want to make WORK 100% my life.

 

[Solomon]

At what point did you realize you've outgrown your friends? When you finally realized that you need to find some other people to be around to grow as a person?

You're no longer the person you used to be in college. You have aspirations in life to make a name for yourself and do something meaningful.

But for some reason, all of your buddies who you thought would figure it out too, haven't. They're still stuck in this routine of going out to get hammered, hit on chicks, and wake up the next day miserable and barely operating at work.

And when you refuse to stay out till 2AM on a Tuesday night, you're labeled a 'pvssy'.

Sure, all those friends of yours are pulling hot women still, but is that really the point of our existence? I love laying a hot woman as much as the next guy, but to waste all of my time focused on this goal seems like something 'driven' men do not do.

Driven men don't have to hunt for women because they're focus in life is improving themselves, improving the world for others, and ultimately achieving their goals. Women are a second priority which naturally come when you begin to improve yourself.

Yet, your peers still have it the other way around.

Anyone care to share similar experiences?

OH SHYT WC2 IS BACK FROM THE DEAD

WOW

WHAT'S GOOD BRO!

This post resonates with me cause I'm at the point where my friends still think of me as "the nice guy" who will buy the drinks, and drive and everything. Don't get me wrong I love going out but for me it's not a priority. I'm focused on getting in shape and stacking my funds so I can go out of town and do it big in other cities. Whilst my friends think it's cool do it big local

*yawn*

I know this post doesn't go deep but honestly sometimes you gotta cut ties with mau****as and move on. Right now I'm not talking to a buddy whom I've been friends with for over 11 years. It sucks but that's life

 

[origin138]

Awesome reply.. thanks for that.

So did you tend to gravitate towards the people you work with? I guess my issue is that if you live in a big city (NYC), it's vital to have people you can connect with after work, on the weekends, on holidays, etc.

For the past 2 years, it's been old friends who live in the city with me. However now that I'm starting to 'grow', I've started mixing in with other circles that have similar aspirations to mine. Coincidentally, most of these people are my co-workers.

Not that that's a bad thing.. however I guess it's good to have circles outside of your professional life as well. I don't want to make WORK 100% my life.

As you head toward 30, many of your friends will be people at work, and if you're a dad/husband and have a family it will be other families on the block, etc. Some of us on MM go to meetups and meet people there. I attend a mountain bike meetup, an entrepreneur meetup and a small business owner meetup. From each meetup I usually find one or two friends worth keeping. Ever since my late teens, my closest friends have always been co-workers. Facebook is pretty good too. I've actually linked up with about 10 friends from the past through FB and found we all still liked hanging out, even if it was limited due to family or work obligations.

As for how often to hang around with coworkers, it all depends on your role in the organization, and yea it's good to have people outside of work to spend time with for the reason you mentioned. If you're at a managerial/executive level, as a rule you'll need to avoid hanging around subordinates beyond the workplace unless it's like a birthday or an after work deal where everyone will be there. Also, you have to be mindful of yourself more around your coworkers as you get older. When there is more money and promotions in the game, behavior can come back to bite pretty hard.

 

[WC2]

OH SHYT WC2 IS BACK FROM THE DEAD

WOW

WHAT'S GOOD BRO!

This post resonates with me cause I'm at the point where my friends still think of me as "the nice guy" who will buy the drinks, and drive and everything. Don't get me wrong I love going out but for me it's not a priority. I'm focused on getting in shape and stacking my funds so I can go out of town and do it big in other cities. Whilst my friends think it's cool do it big local

*yawn*

I know this post doesn't go deep but honestly sometimes you gotta cut ties with mau****as and move on. Right now I'm not talking to a buddy whom I've been friends with for over 11 years. It sucks but that's life

Haha what's up man?

For sure.. staying in good health and getting my career set for my 30's is definitely top of my priorities.

Been away for awhile, but I'll be around more often

 

[Driggs]

This happened to me. Like everything else I find that I don't give a f*ck.

 

[sharkbeat]

It is happening to me as a matter of fact. I am developing new hobbies, while they remain loving what they have been loving this past 5 years I have known them.

 

[Ballie57]

At what point did you realize you've outgrown your friends? When you finally realized that you need to find some other people to be around to grow as a person?

You're no longer the person you used to be in college. You have aspirations in life to make a name for yourself and do something meaningful.

But for some reason, all of your buddies who you thought would figure it out too, haven't. They're still stuck in this routine of going out to get hammered, hit on chicks, and wake up the next day miserable and barely operating at work.

Yes, that is the story of my life. When I got divorced, I was a "broken man" and relied on old school friends to help pull me out of my depression - and they did.

But I eventually realised that most people live such a sh*tty life (including family) that they rejoice in the fact that someone is more miserable than they are.

In Australia, it's called the tall poppy syndrome - ie cut down anyone who makes a success of their lives. like I did, starting a successful new company starting from Ground Zero.

These so called "friends" will backbite you and talk absolutely sh*t behind your back.

Move on dude - that's par for the course on your road to be a true DJ.

 

[switch]

can i be honest? the people around me are total retardos.there are a couple of cool guys but they are busy with life etc....most of the girls here are retarded, outright boring and stuck up b!tches. i hate everyone here.

 

[zekko]

I had a similar epiphany around age 26. I was sitting in a house with a bunch of other dudes on a Sunday and we were all just drinking beers. It suddenly occurred to me that I had better things to do. I also had a lot of self improvement projects in the works, and some growing up to do.

That was the time that I left the party scene. I revisited it in years to come, but it was never quite the same.

 

[nostalgic60]

origin is right and many of his points parallel my experiences.

I was very close to some people in my life. Some died, some relationships just wither due to distance, or when the emotional landscape morphs. Most of all, it's the inward changes that drive people apart - growth if you will.

When there is no common ground for both parties to relate to, there's nothing that can be shared.

I like socializing once or twice a week, meeting new people, dining, etc. My mind is still constantly being tested. People whose company I thought I wouldn't enjoy turned out to be great. People that I thought had potential had none. The problem is our past experiences and observations cloud our judgements, causing us to have beliefs and platitudes about the world in a very general sense. I'm consistently reminded that I don't know enough or haven't seen enough. I still get screwed from time to time but I move on much more quickly.

Which brings me to outgrowing friends. First of all, there was a friend I connected with due to our depressive natures. Woe is me kind of thing. Misery loves company. I wanted to get out of my depression. I actively tried to transform my life. He didn't. He continued to complain about things he could easily avoid. So I couldn't have him drag me down. We rarely talk now. We haven't ended anything but it just feels hollow to text him, knowing he's wallowing in his depression that he won't solve/find a way to heal and that I'm trying to get my **** together and hopefully find some semblance of contentment.

In general I want savvy friends who are keen observers of people and understand reality. People who are good in business, finance, and film are a plus.

This friend is neither of those things. His depression has distorted his perception of reality. I can't work with that. I don't actively ditch people but if they don't respond I don't either.

 

[synergy1]

Thats interesting that people are outgrowing their groups - I guess that speaks to the diversity of people they hang out with. Honestly thats really cool and I wish I had that. This is why my social group has pretty much grown up together since college...but we are all in the same career and have had similar progressions in responsibilities and pay. First it was all entry level jobs, and we all spent more time partying. Later we all moved on to different positions, or different jobs - this increased the responsibility workload. Now many of us are eyeing management positions, so virtually no one even goes out like we used too. Further, you'll notice with groups that as they start to settle with girlfriends, socializing will tend to decrease. Those without their girlfriends are becoming slightly more reclusive too.

Ones job really is their social network. This is especially true for me where we are all young, and all do the exact same job ( am in engineering operations). Its like a big family. One day you'll be in DC, the next you could be in California doing work and you'll see co workers out there that you knew as your career progressed. When you are in such an engrained environment, you aren't going to make as many friends outside the group. This is probably a similar thing that the OP is talking about.

 

[zekko]

This friend is neither of those things. His depression has distorted his perception of reality. I can't work with that. I don't actively ditch people but if they don't respond I don't either.

I have a friend like that also. It's very frustrating. I try to encourage him to be more positive and look on the bright side, but he's always miserable. I used to be very negative myself, but I grew out of it.

Further, you'll notice with groups that as they start to settle with girlfriends, socializing will tend to decrease. Those without their girlfriends are becoming slightly more reclusive too.

Here on the forum they tend to chalk this up to getting weak, lazy, and controlled by their girlfriends. But as you note, the single guys will do this too. I think maybe it's just a part of getting older. I suppose it could still be partly laziness and weakness, but I feel like I'm being more true to myself; Doing what I want to do instead of what other people think I should be doing.

 

[backbreaker]

you know what i find funny? and i'm ont pointing towards anyone on this forum just something in general, but when people talk about outgrowing friends, 100% of the time it's the other friends fault lol.

like i bet if i asked my old 2 best friends why we don't talk anymore they will say something like backbreaker man that dude used to be cool and now he's all stuck up and ****.

 

[The Simple Man]

you know what i find funny? and i'm ont pointing towards anyone on this forum just something in general, but when people talk about outgrowing friends, 100% of the time it's the other friends fault lol.

like i bet if i asked my old 2 best friends why we don't talk anymore they will say something like backbreaker man that dude used to be cool and now he's all stuck up and ****.

That's the thing about self-improvement.

The person who "improve" does not usually become better than those around him, but what he does is he put others down so that he has the delusion of being the best man.

While it is all fine and dandy, when he meets the true best men out there, reality hits him hard, and he become lost in his own world.

The true best men , do not walk around and say he has outgrown others. It's so clear that he doesn't even care about it.

 

[nostalgic60]

you know what i find funny? and i'm ont pointing towards anyone on this forum just something in general, but when people talk about outgrowing friends, 100% of the time it's the other friends fault lol.

like i bet if i asked my old 2 best friends why we don't talk anymore they will say something like backbreaker man that dude used to be cool and now he's all stuck up and ****.

Blaming others is projection, a part of human nature. Nothing unusual about it.

In any case, there's no blame when 2 people no longer have anything in common.

 

[sharkbeat]

you know what i find funny? and i'm ont pointing towards anyone on this forum just something in general, but when people talk about outgrowing friends, 100% of the time it's the other friends fault lol.

like i bet if i asked my old 2 best friends why we don't talk anymore they will say something like backbreaker man that dude used to be cool and now he's all stuck up and ****.

The term 'outgrowing' is subjective. What does it mean, that you have grown better? Or does it simply mean you have deviated to something different - a lateral movement rather than vertical?

Men should grow as they want. Nobody, not friends nor family, should stop them from doing so. It happens naturally, and that is life. If you want to start a business, you should immediately think who's going to be in your team. If none of your 10 friends fit the bill, you would naturally look somewhere else. When you find your team, then you would spend most of your time building your businesses with your new team which become your new buddies. You and your old friends wouldn't be spending time as you used to anymore.

 

[synergy1]

Here on the forum they tend to chalk this up to getting weak, lazy, and controlled by their girlfriends. But as you note, the single guys will do this too. I think maybe it's just a part of getting older. I suppose it could still be partly laziness and weakness, but I feel like I'm being more true to myself; Doing what I want to do instead of what other people think I should be doing.

Laziness could be a way to describe it, so maybe its just semantics. But part of the reason our group used to go out was to meet women in one way or another. Once that aspect of life is no longer needed, why spend money to feel not so great? Our outings as a group have declined, but every once and a while its still fun.

As for the single friends, its mostly due to laziness. Everyone is falling into their habits, and those whose habits include video games, pot, and no hobbies tend to just be more reclusive with no women prospects.

Overall though our group has not outgrown one another. Most of us are progressing career wise roughly the same. Our hobbies vary - sports, flying, boating, mountaineering, brewing...its kind of cool having a diverse group.

 

[nostalgic60]

It is amusing *and* disgusting that some guys think getting ***** is the end game of being "alpha." That's all they do and obsess with. They don't understand that it's more about making your own way in the world and living out your potential. Who's your arm is just a nice accessory. It is a fundamental shift from focusing on getting women to making your life the best it can be.

People do outgrow each other. I don't think it's that subjective. If outward circumstances change, it will reflect inwardly. A friend rising to the top while the other friend languishes in the ranks will find it tough to survive the change. Friends who can survive trials and errors are worth keeping. "Frenemies" have to go. If anyone who detracts from your life, unless there's a business and practical reason, needs to be left alone. People should have mutually beneficial relationships.