Your stories of commanding respect / puting your foot down

[Chromeo]

I want to hear some examples of you guys puting your foot down and keeping your respect in a relationship.

Basically my mom now wears the pants in my family, at least for as long as I can remember, so I really dont have anything to go on as for how to put your foot down or command respect in relationships.

I find myself trying to please the girl way too often. Because I see my father simply trying to keep my mom from having a sh!t fit. There is rarely a day that I spend at my parents house that my mom wont completely freak about something.

We are about to go on a family trip to cooperstown for my little bros baseball tourney. My mom has at least four to five times told me to pack a small bag and attempts to tell me how to do this. Im a 22 year old man, I know how to pack a bag. Telling her what she wants to hear is fine but after doing that and still hearing it 3-4 more times I start to get testy. My younger bro can literally do no wrong and he just laughes off everything she b!tches about.

I hate not respecting my parents but like damn... I feel like taking this crap from my mom has conditioned me to take a ton of crap from women in general. Obviously I wont be dumping my mom but in know way do I want my girlfriend thinking she can treat me like this, and im thinking what happens when I bring my GF home and shes my mom treating me like this, does it have an effect?

 

[Bible_Belt]

Obviously I wont be dumping my mom

Why not? You're 22. Move out, and then only talk to her when she treats you like an adult. You will always be her child when you live at home.

 

[SandHawk]

To answer that last question: Yes, it will have an effect. It's called social proof, as it's advocated in the bible. The way other people see you handling other people will have an impact on your status with them. So if your girl sees your mom walking all over you, expect her to do the same thing.

As to stay in charge of the relationship, it all comes down to dominance. Show her you're boss. For instance, when you're out with friends, and everyone is like "Let's go grab some food!", you can be the leader and take charge. You could make a quick round to find out what everybody is craving, and then decide on "Alright, since most people want XX, let's go to joint YY" and drag people along. Same as with dating: If your girl wants to go somewhere, make a decision on where to and when.

You can even see how girls EXPECT you to take charge in the relationship. Most girls can't make up their mind about where to go and/or what to wear, because they LIKE IT when someone else(YOU) takes charge. If she does something that you do not like, tell her off, give her the cold shoulder. If done right, you can see her immediately trying to hug you to make it up, and this is the point where you push her off and tell her "You can't just go around and disrespect me and then try to pretend it's all cool by hugging me". Don't push her off hard, and don't hold a grudge, just a gentle gesture showing that you don't accept her bullsh*t, and let her in after a while to make it up. This enforces her submissive role, as you decide when it's time to make up. And when she suddenly goes all cold, being insulted or angry or hurt, don't go in and try to make up because this puts you in the submissive role. And girls are good at reversing the roles.

In short: BE IN CHARGE of whatever you and your girl do and convey what's bad behaviour.

As for your mum: Just tell her that you are well aware of that you need to pack that backpack, but that you do it on your own terms. If she wants it done her way, then she'll has to pack it for you, other wise leave you to it. If you screw that up, then you'll have to carry the consequences.

 

[Chromeo]

Why not? You're 22. Move out, and then only talk to her when she treats you like an adult. You will always be her child when you live at home.

I dont live at home, its whenever I'm there to visit.

Basically after the ninth time her trying to explain to me I need to pack lite I said "damn mom I know how to pack my bag, you need to chill out, dont worry about me I got it"

But my outburst usually causes an outburst by her which is not good.. I guess a better route would have been "mom you taught me how to pack, I dont need another lesson, I got it"

but she does this all the time, its not just this single instance. Another thing she likes to do is say she buys me some socks or whatever, before I have a chance to open my mouth she says "thanks mom" like im unappreciative and it drives me absolutely nuts, she doesnt even give me a chance to say thank you. Arent you supposed to do favors for people not expecting anything in return?

 

[Jblitz59]

I found out my girlfriend was hanging out with her ex 'fling' at night, a guy she lost her virginity to, and his brother alone while drinking and playing video games... according to her. When she could have just gotten drunk with her ex fling.

I broke up with her the morning of.

 

[Shivastorm_88]

I have a perfect example of something that happened yesterday, that even 3 months ago I would never have believed myself capable of. Nothing extraordinary, but nice advancement in my case nonetheless

I was at a video store (alone) to rent a movie so we could watch at a friend's house (5 of us), and I had a hard time figuring out something that could be good. I proposed one over the phone, everyone was good, but friend #4 denied it. So I looked around a bit more, proposed two other movies, and friend #4 alone denied them again saying my choices were crap, so I pretty much said (was getting annoyed): Listen friend #4, I've been here for 20 minutes trying to figure out a movie that we can watch, and all you do is complain without suggesting anything back, so either come over and help me choose one, or suck it up and watch one of the movies that I will choose.

It feels good to put your foot down sometimes

 

[originaldj]

Unfortunately I am still kind of a softy with the ladies. But in terms of how I treat my guy friends I am just really honest. When something pisses me off (I actually have pretty amazing friends so this is rare) I just say one or two sentences to pretty much put them in their place. I remember the first time I did this, I literally yelled only one or two sentences at my friend and he was apologizing for what he did (which wasnt a big deal in the first place) for like 6 months. BTW this friend is WAY more outwardly confident than me so seeing how much he respected me afterwards made me feel like an alpha male for like the first time.

Sorry I kind of sidetracked there but I am pretty much in the same situation as you right now with my mom. She always second guesses my even trivial decisions. I try not to lose my temper so what I do is just remind her that I am a very capable kid and that she offends me when she treats me like a four year old. After a couple months of telling her this she gradually is nagging me less and less.

 

[Warrior74]

I hate to say it but I had to put my foot down on my mom when I was 16. I was driving her to work as her car was in the shop. She was constantly yelling at me to slow down, look out, did you see that light, what are you doing, your going to kill us, look out! OMG!. It was making me a nervous wreck. Finally I had enough and I pulled over. I looked her in the eye and said, Mom, I love you but you are making me a wreck! If you want to drive the car you can, but I'm not driving anymore unless you promise to be quiet. At first she got pissed and said how dare I talk to her like that, then I think it dawned on her that my car had no power breaks and no power steering...basically she wasn't strong enough to drive my car. Finally she said "just drive" and didn't say another word on the way there. I've never had another problem with her second guessing me or nagging me when I'm driving.

As for recently....last year the girl I was dating went through my phone while I was sleeping and woke me up wanting to know about flirty text messages with some other girls. Me and this girl weren't exclusive, we had only been out and slept together a couple of times. She started to get hysterical and loud, while I just repeated one thing. "Why are you going through my phone" I wouldn't anwser any question she threw at me, my only response was Why the fvck are you going through my phone? I was pissed. At first she tried to make it my fault. Then she tried to say she felt insecure about us. Then she tried to make it my fault for her feeling insecure about us. Then when she saw the only response she was going to get was "Why are you going through my phone" she eventually left...we saw each other a few times after that but it was over. She still comes to town to visit from time to time and is coming to visit on my birthday, but she knows I'm not going to put up with one ounce of her bullsh1t and she has admitted that what she did was wrong and she knows she messed up with me.

 

[todays_news]

"Why would you think I'm buying you a drink, do you not have money to take out with you?"

"Im sick to death of this, **** you, **** this, we're done."

 

[backbreaker]

About .. 6 years ago about right when i really started to develop a real backbone i met the girl that would be come my first REAL gorwn man LTR but at the time, i was somewhat seing some women, she was getting over hre long time x. i could tell she likes me, she really did but she really liked him too. she stood me up for 2 dates and she would make excuses each time.

i called her and it old her piont blank, look, i'm not mad, at all, i know you hve an ex, yuo have feelings for, so i'm going to say this point blank to you. I'm going to take you out this weekend to see this play (dreamgirls) , i'mg oing to pick you up at 6. if you are ready, we will have a great time, if not, no hard feelings but dont' bother calling back.

needless to say, she was ready. we had a great time i even got laid. she told me later that me saying that really made her look at me differently and she probably never would have committed to going out with me had i not done that.

 

[slaog]

I've an example from last week.


I was talking to my girlfriend and the subject of strippers came up. So I mentioned my dislike of them and I told her I expected her never to go anywhere where theres male strippers (I've seen a few pictures of what goes on when they're there). She said that she wouldn't unless - in theory - one of her friends would have one for her hen party.


When she said that I told her no I would be against it. She said she'd have to because she couldn't miss her friends' hen party. She kept insisting. She then asked what could she tell her friends and I said to tell them I won't allow it.


I then said "if you go I'll be saying bye bye to you". I ment it too. It shock her up a bit and she said she wouldn't ever go somewhere wheres theres a male stripper.


Her friends are mostly decent and have a bit of class so I doubt they'd hire a male stripper but theres no harm letting her know if a situation somehow did arise.

 

[Desert Fox]

Chromeo, your mother is a sociopath. She is a manipulative sociopath that preys on her husband, and also her children aka you.

I would simply ignore her and if she asks why you're ignoring her tell her you respect her and appreciate her, but until you feel like you're being treated the same way in return you're not going to acknowledge her. Ball's in her court now.

Then stay steadfast to this threat you make until she comes around. If she slips, go back to ignoring her. Tough love my friend.

 

[Chromeo]

last girl i took home, were walking she keeps stopping after I make a joke.

I just look back at her laugh and keep walking. Of course she follows... straight to my bed.

 

[oscarxp25]

Here is my story of putting my foot down:

I was hanging out with this girl that I had slept with a couple of times. When we got back to her place, she stole my phone and threw it across the room. After, I did the same thing to her, but she got incredibly angry at me, saying I should leave. At first, I thought she was joking around, so I laughed, but she was dead serious. I told her that she has no right to be mad at me and then just WALKED out.

It was the first time I have ever done something like that. I used to be the guy who would try to talk it out. I had a girl walk on me for eight years because of it. How did I feel as I walked out? I was scared because I never have done anything like it before. Long story short, she called me the next day and told me she was sorry. I said it was ok, but don't pull that **** again. That is the day everything on this site became site...well not everything. Girls prey on the guy who will not stand up for himself. It may feel weird or scary at first, but when you do it and get results like you did...it is empowering.