Yeah, I need some help on this one...

[FM 3321]

I feel like I've been on here long enough to answer this myself but I need some help on this one.

This girl I've known a little over two years has a birthday coming up and I'm wondering if I should send her a card or something to wish her a happy birthday. I'll be in Jamaica (solo soul searching trip) around that time so I was planning to send a card from there along with the other post cards I plan to send to friends and family. Last time I saw and talked to her was about 3 months ago when she stayed over my place and although I tried to make something physical happen, she wasn't having it (don't touch me!!) so I pulled back and left her the hell alone. Next morning she was cold and quiet and when she left we hugged goodbye and that's the last I heard from her.

I already made a thread about this girl so if you want the background details you can read them here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=147559


She lives out of town but is within my circle of friends so it's not like I'll just happen to run into her. My gut tells me "quit playing games and just send her a card and be done with it" while another part of me says "fvck her, move on and deliberately 'forget' her birthday." That last move feels very immature to me so I'd like to know what you guys think.

As you can tell by the tone of this thread I honestly feel a bit embarrassed to make it but hey, feel the fear and do it anyway. Enjoy.

 

[FM 3321]

looks like u got nothin to lose by doin so except a few dollars , she'll prob appreciate it and that one rejection doesnt mean its over which u should already know

Yeah, I was thinking that. I was reading the "no contact" thread in the Archive and like a lot of people here I've been a student of the die hard "don't be AFC", "don't give your power away" and all that other hard core stuff but I'm starting to see a different light. It seems OK to lighten up and try to get a girl as long as you don't go overboard. Girls are supposed to be fun and I think it would be ok to send her something like a card. A few dollars like you said doesn't hurt unless I'm making $1 a day.

 

[samspade]

Be careful, man. This is a common issue on these boards, and it usually bespeaks a desire by the poster to rekindle something. So make sure you're okay with a) just being friends with this girl, and b) the possibility that she won't respond or acknowledge your birthday wishes.

I'm in a similar situation. The girl's birthday is this weekend. Although we dated for about 5-6 months, we parted amicably - no fighting, no pettiness, just some general sadness. She has since made more of an effort than I have to be friendly, but I've been careful about responding because deep down I still have some feelings, and I'd prefer to run out the clock on my own, lest I say anything foolish. As such, I am leaning toward NOT wishing her a happy birthday, which may hurt her feelings, but will protect mine. (I know it sounds like I was dumped, but it was more a case of unworkable circumstances that I won't get into here. Had it been a full-on dumping, I would have deleted her from my life completely.)

 

[FM 3321]

Be careful, man. This is a common issue on these boards, and it usually bespeaks a desire by the poster to rekindle something. So make sure you're okay with a) just being friends with this girl, and b) the possibility that she won't respond or acknowledge your birthday wishes.

I'm in a similar situation. The girl's birthday is this weekend. Although we dated for about 5-6 months, we parted amicably - no fighting, no pettiness, just some general sadness. She has since made more of an effort than I have to be friendly, but I've been careful about responding because deep down I still have some feelings, and I'd prefer to run out the clock on my own, lest I say anything foolish. As such, I am leaning toward NOT wishing her a happy birthday, which may hurt her feelings, but will protect mine. (I know it sounds like I was dumped, but it was more a case of unworkable circumstances that I won't get into here. Had it been a full-on dumping, I would have deleted her from my life completely.)

It will be OK. I will be able to handle whatever happens in this situation. If she doesn't get back to me then I'll leave it at that. Now if this was a girl I dated that cheated on me then it would be a much different story....or hell if she just flat out told me our relationship was over.

I'll just send her a card. I've been working out consistently this summer so more opportunity is down the road anyway if this doesn't go as I'd like it to.

Thanks for your input.

 

[DJDamage]

You have oneitis for this chick.

What the hell is a card going to do?? you must be thinking that by putting in the effort of getting her a card, it will show that you care, you are different and it might rekindle some feelings for you.....

well I got news for you, cut this weak Hollywood sh1t up.

You are going to be in a freaking Island paradise with women from different parts of the world looking to loose up a bit and all you are going to be thinking about is this low interest chick??!! something is wrong with this picture.

 

[samspade]

I'll just send her a card. I've been working out consistently this summer so more opportunity is down the road anyway if this doesn't go as I'd like it to.

If you send the card, it's guaranteed not to go as you'd like it to.

Write the card, if you must, but don't send it. Keep it at home, go to Jamaica, and when you get back, read it over. Then throw it away. You'll feel much better.

 

[FM 3321]

You have oneitis for this chick.

What the hell is a card going to do?? you must be thinking that by putting in the effort of getting her a card, it will show that you care, you are different and it might rekindle some feelings for you.....

well I got news for you, cut this weak Hollywood sh1t up.

You are going to be in a freaking Island paradise with women from different parts of the world looking to loose up a bit and all you are going to be thinking about is this low interest chick??!! something is wrong with this picture.

Well she'll get the card, smile then realize how much she misses me and then she'll call me and decide to have a fulfilling romantic/sexual relationship with me.......ok, I'm dreaming here. That's surely what part of my mind is telling me. And yes, I have oneitis pretty bad for this girl. She's brunette, fvcking gorgeous and just my type of girl.

If she was really into me she would have called by now.

Once I step on the plane I'll probably forget about her anyway. I'm going to Jamaica....fvck....you're right. The realization of how ridiculous thinking about this one little girl while on a great vacation is quite funny. With all the women there....yeah. Thanks for putting things into perspective. Plus my mindset will be totally different when I get back. I'm pretty sure of that. I'll be going to some of the more risky parts of the country with no time to think about anyone else. Thanks for your input.

Agree with DJDamage....

You should be out meeting more girls.

Either you

1) Missed the signals and didn't kiss her when you should have or

2) She was never into you to start with.

In either case, I would say it's too late and just start gaming other girls.

Another good point. If I had girls that were just as attractive or more attractive (in my opinion) than this particular girl in my life then I probably wouldn't be so hung up on this one girl. There was a time where she was into me and ever since I lost that opportunity I've been trying to warm that up inside of her again.

Thanks for your post as well. You're steering me into the right direction.

If you send the card, it's guaranteed not to go as you'd like it to.

Write the card, if you must, but don't send it. Keep it at home, go to Jamaica, and when you get back, read it over. Then throw it away. You'll feel much better.

I could probably imagine what she'll think if she receives it. "Oh GOD he STILL likes me?!?!?!?! NOOOO!!!!!" I can sympathize with that because I have a female friend who I'm not entirely attracted to but she occasionally directly asks me if I want to date her.

I'm very glad I made this thread. My mind is so much clearer now. She's not interested. There's nothing I can actively do (i.e. sending a card) to make her interested. Also I have to make sure that NOT wishing her a happy birthday isn't an indirect way to try to make her more interested in me. I'm just living my life for me and not chasing people who aren't interested in being part of my life.

 

[Jitterbug]

She rejected you cold 3 months ago. Not even a friggin' hug goodbye. She stayed over at your place then, so I assume that you were hosting her for a few days and she was getting free accommodation and food? And that was the last time you heard from her.

Why are you rewarding her (sending a bday card with good wishes) for her bad behaviour?

 

[FM 3321]

She rejected you cold 3 months ago. Not even a friggin' hug goodbye. She stayed over at your place then, so I assume that you were hosting her for a few days and she was getting free accommodation and food? And that was the last time you heard from her.

Why are you rewarding her (sending a bday card with good wishes) for her bad behaviour?

I've had three friends stay over within those three months and they were much more appreciative than she was after the fact that they stayed with me. You're right she doesn't deserve anything else from me. I'm not going to be bitter about it but it is something to keep in mind.

I should actually be thinking about what I'll be doing for my mom and best friend's birthday that fall within the same month instead of this girl.

 

[jophil28]

Next morning she was cold and quiet and when she left we hugged goodbye and that's the last I heard from her.

There is your answer.

 

[decades]

your focus needs to be on meeting new women. not on rekindling something with a woman who rejected you cold. What you are contemplating is exactly what your friend the "nice guy" would try and do to win her heart. That is, do something really sweet to make her see how great a guy you are. You probably know this already but that does not work. Get out there and start meeting more women!

 

[FM 3321]

your focus needs to be on meeting new women. not on rekindling something with a woman who rejected you cold. What you are contemplating is exactly what your friend the "nice guy" would try and do to win her heart. That is, do something really sweet to make her see how great a guy you are. You probably know this already but that does not work. Get out there and start meeting more women!

I'll start focusing on other women. I got caught into the trap of thinking that this one girl was so unique. I guess I was using her birthday as an excuse to contact her.

I woke up today feeling much more at ease about this situation and actually happy that I haven't contacted her since. Going to the gym tonight, packing to leave the country on Saturday. It's going to be great. Thanks.

 

[mikeraw]

How about sending it AFTER you return from Jamaica? As an afterthought.

BTW, I was just in Jamaica in JAN of this year. Out of control!

 

[samspade]

I'm glad someone posted about this. Not that I didn't know better, but the AFC in me was actually considering sending a card, too. My situation is not emotionally volatile, but even so, I know deep down it behooves me to let the occasion pass. I'd rather have her wonder why i didn't send a card than why I did....if she wonders at all, which she probably won't!

It's funny, when you're the one giving the advice, it's crystal clear. When you're taking it, it's muddied....strange that I am doing both in this thread. Thanks, gentlemen.

 

[FM 3321]

Man you guys were so right about Jamaica. I had a great time down there and met some interesting non-Jamaican girls and I really had no time to even think about the girl I made this thread about. I also think having sex for two days straight during a hurricane puts things into a different perspective. No need to focus on girls that aren't into me.

Thanks again for the advice given. It is truly pointless to pursue a girl that doesn't want you either. I'd still like to fool around with this girl I was originally talking about but that oneitis sting has seriously been wiped away.