X-Boyfriend In The Back!

[Made.To.Be.Great]

2 months ago I met a very sweet girl in my office and I was immediately feeling a great vibe between us. We were flirting a lot and over the weeks our "relationship" became more intense.

Even though I was really into her, I was always playing it very cool... furthermore, I was playing "hard-to-get" all the way! I was ****y and funny when we talked with each other, I was flirting with her, but I never made a serious move towards her direction. She was the active part from day one: she asked me for my ICQ-number, on ICQ she asked me for my phone-number, on the phone she asked me for a date, on the date she was holding hands with me, and after the date she was sending me a message in which she told me how much fun she had on the date and that she really enjoyed her time with me! (I have to mention that I'm above-average-looking and therefore I'm used to the fact that every now and then a girl is chasing me and not the other way around.)

Well, on the date she also asked me if we could do something on the weekend. So we went to a nice club last Saturday and everything was pretty good. We stayed there for 4 or 5 hours and we even kissed each other for the first time (again, she was basically forcing me into the kiss). The entire night we stayed together (even tho a lot of her friends were in the club, too) and we were acting like a "real" couple... holding hands and kissing each other all night long.

Now the problem sets in: on the next day (yesterday) she was very cold and reserved on the phone. Due to the facts that our emotions and our relationship grew within the last months, that she was initiating almost every meeting, and that we got very close that night, I was expecting the exact opposite! Therefore I asked her directly what she thinks about our common future and how she feels about us (I was starting this discussion with the question "how we should act in the office now"). Her comment was that she likes me very much, but that she needs a few days in order to get her mind right because she's still not completely over her x-boyfriend (she's out of town for 5 days now > work)! She also said we have enough time.

She was mentioning her x about two weeks ago and she told me that he's an a**hole, but that she's still hoping that he will get in touch with her again (the jerk-effect). After she told me that, I was already very aware and I was playing even more hard-to-get, but she continued with her moves and actions and I thought that I would, at least, be on the same level with her x... I guess I was wrong!

My question is: what should I do now? Should I wait for her, stay in touch with her, and just keep on playing the game (I know that in the end she will not get back together again with her X, because I know that he's not into her)? Or should I immediately break up the contact with her at all? Or do you have any other suggestions? Should I make her jealous with other girls, for example?

Besides that, I’m trying to find the reason for her cold behavior! The only thing that I could have done wrong, is that I was kissing her not as good as I usually kiss a girl (I was getting some compliments for that in the past) because I was pretty drunk that night! But first of all I was not that bad (I would say I was a B-), she was not the world’s best kisser either (she was a C-) and I just can’t and don’t want to imagin’ that such a minor thing could destroy her feelings! I mean, we didn’t met each other last night, she was into me for almost 2 months, as you know!

I'm sorry for the long post and I'm thankful for every true advice!

 

[Don Juanabbe]

I wouldn't take her that seriously if I was you. She has just relegated herself to the 'f*ck her and chuck her' status if it was me in this situation.

 

[christz]

its funny how girls that are really intense in in the first month or two are so NOT the next week after that month or two, almost instantly.

and each time its ALWAYS an X boyfriend that popped back up in the picture.

maybe you were a rebound, its so hard to say in these situations just play it cool, talk to her but stay away from a friend level, so dont' call her everynight

OR do what i did.

just ignore her for about a month and call outta the blue, i got this girl right back on my nutz.

on another note, a girl that seems to good to be true, usally is.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

Made.To.Be.Great:

It never ceases to amaze me how often girls play these stupid games. She is trying to mess with you. Think about it. She comes on really strong, does all the first moves. Odd, girls usually don't do this ALL the time right? Once she believes that she has got you right where she wants you emotionally, *BAM* in comes the ex-boyfriend bull****.

"booohoo I'm not over my ex-boyfriend, wahh wahh wahh!"

She can take her ex-boyfriend and SHOVE IT. All she's trying to do is basically make you feel insecure and jealous ON PURPOSE. She's playing with your emotions. Don't stand for that bull****. Basically tell her, "Ok. You go sort out whatever issues you have remaining with your ex-boyfriend and in the mean time I'll date other girls." *Interception*!. You've intercepted the football backed up in your own redzone and now you're taking it the other way! The 50.....the 40....lthe 30! He...could....go all, the, way!

Ball's in your court. Make the call.

 

[Desdinova]

Bring up the subject of moving on. Say, "Maybe we should see other people". If she truly had fun, she'll forget about her ex pretty damn quick. If she agrees, she's already fvcking him again (or is thinking about it) and you'll save yourself some time

 

[christz]

some girls also like to have their cake and eat it to though.

 

[Made.To.Be.Great]

Thanx-a-lot for all the replies so far! Your posts seriously give me a lot of strength back!

As I said before she's out of town this week and just a few hours ago she sent me a message via her cell telling me that she arrived without any trouble and useless stuff like that! Of course, a voice in me tells me to "write her back, write her back", but right now I feel like it would be the best thing to ignore her for at least a few days...

...another idea that came to my head is (and I know this might sound childish) to write her a message from my cell but in the name of another girl!? I would write something like this:" Who are you? And why are you writing M.T.B.G. all the time! You better keep your hands of my man..."! I assume that she would be pretty confused afterwards and maybe/hopefully even jealous. A few days later I would tell her that one of my friends, who is into me, wrote that message without my knowledge! What do you think about this... too immature? Or interesting move?

 

[Made.To.Be.Great]

Originally posted by christz
some girls also like to have their cake and eat it to though.

What do you mean by that?

 

[1utfan1]

I would pull back from this girl. I wouldn't send her a message back via text message. And definatley not the 'other girl' message you mentioned. If she calls you while she's out of town. Chit chat for a minute or so but ask if you can talk to her later (or when she gets back into town) because your on your way out the door. I wouldn't ask her out when she gets back into town just for the x-boyfriend reason. Like someone already mentioned let her sort out her issue's. If they just broke up recently, you may have been the rebound guy.

 

[ShizamDaMan]

Originally posted by Made.To.Be.Great

...another idea that came to my head is (and I know this might sound childish) to write her a message from my cell but in the name of another girl!? I would write something like this:" Who are you? And why are you writing M.T.B.G. all the time! You better keep your hands of my man..."! I assume that she would be pretty confused afterwards and maybe/hopefully even jealous. A few days later I would tell her that one of my friends, who is into me, wrote that message without my knowledge! What do you think about this... too immature? Or interesting move?

No dude, that's totally cool if you're 9 years old. Oh wait...

Date some other girls, she's jerking you around. If she inquires about why you're not around as much just put her on the spot and say you can find a girl who won't make you deal with her ex-boyfriend.

 

[christz]

Originally posted by Made.To.Be.Great
What do you mean by that?

meaning, she wants two guys at once or she likes two guys in the same way so she tries to sneak around both of them and have them both without either one knowing.

 

[TizZle]

ignore her for a while and see if she changes her tune... Meanwhile if you have other prospects start doing things with them in the meantime.

 

[Made.To.Be.Great]

Yea, the idea with the message from the other girl is cancelled... I know that would have been a dumb move, but right now it's just hard for me to do nothing and to understand that: less is more! I can't really get her off my mind, even tho I'm feeling better and better every minute!

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Originally posted by TillTheEndOfTime
It never ceases to amaze me how often girls play these stupid games. She is trying to mess with you. Think about it. She comes on really strong, does all the first moves. Odd, girls usually don't do this ALL the time right? Once she believes that she has got you right where she wants you emotionally, *BAM* in comes the ex-boyfriend bull****.

Happens all too often.

 

[Don Juanabbe]

Originally posted by Made.To.Be.Great
I can't really get her off my mind

Exactly what she was aiming for.

Made.to.Be. - I really don't know why some women do this crap. But bringing up the ex is also part of an early power struggle on her part.

What happened to me was similar. I was getting together with a girl who had a so-called ex. But then she was magically back with him. My guess was, she may have been having problems with the guy, but then they sorted it out.

You are likely the backup for this girl. She is being overtly aggressive for a reason. It's happened to me almost exactly the same.

Although difficult, you need to do the right thing here: Do not answer any of her messages while she is gone. Unless she calls when she gets back, I wouldn't waste too much time, to be honest, this situation doesn't look like it's going to resolve itself in your favour.

Keep in mind, if she truly respected you, she would never have said this:

She was mentioning her x about two weeks ago and she told me that he's an a**hole, but that she's still hoping that he will get in touch with her again

Maybe she was just being honest, in which case, I wouldn't hold my breath over this girl if she is not yet over her ex.

Again, the right thing to do is to pull back. It's hard, but you will avoid potentially more heartache if you do.

If she wants you, then she better stop bringing up sh*t like that and start making the effort again - you are the prize. Don't buckle under the pressure - she's likely seen through your behaviour that you are a challenge and wants to weaken you.

Either that or she's a game player/attention hor.

 

[FlawlessBadBoy]

Treat her just like you would your own bratty little sister. If your sister said she was having trouble with her ex and didn't wanna go bowling with you and the family, would you keep trying to talk to her and see how she was doing? Or would you let the little brat sit at home and do w/e while you go out and have the time of your life and she hears about it later.

 

[Made.To.Be.Great]

You are likely the backup for this girl. She is being overtly aggressive for a reason. It's happened to me almost exactly the same.

Although difficult, you need to do the right thing here: Do not answer any of her messages while she is gone. Unless she calls when she gets back, I wouldn't waste too much time, to be honest, this situation doesn't look like it's going to resolve itself in your favour.

Keep in mind, if she truly respected you, she would never have said this:

She was mentioning her x about two weeks ago and she told me that he's an a**hole, but that she's still hoping that he will get in touch with her again

Yea, the fact that she said that is pretty heavy and it becomes more and more obvious that I should keep my thoughts and my hands off her!

The problem is that she's not even on my level... this might sound arrogant, but it's true! I was not even able to have a good and deep conversation with her because her whole thinking is too superficial... besides that, I look better and I have bigger plans for my future! But because of that it bothers me even more... and her ex can't mess with me either... the only thing that he did better was, that he f*cked her before I did and then left her in the dirt... and she doesn't even understand that I'm the chance of her lifetime... but f. it, I gotta move on now and do me! It just confuses me why she was trying so hard to win my attention and now, after 2 months, she's acting as if we've just met each other 2 hours ago...

 

[SheepSter]

You made 2 classic mistakes my man. Let me tell you what you did wrong.

You said that she was initiating almost every meeting of you two. This is great. It tells me she is chasing you, and builts this picture of you in her mind: you are something difficult to get, so worth chasing.

You talk about "the last months", and the best story you can tell is that you have been kissing her all night in a club and the next day she's all cold and sh*t. Mistake #1: You did not isolate and fvck her. She was all over you dude, be a man and take it to the next level. Now she thinks your a pvssy, that's why she is all cold. Because in her mind you are not worth chasing anymore. Next time 3rd date make it hot, and lay 'm. If you can make it the first date, but beware most women have their "rules" on this.

Mistake #2: Holding hands. Don't do it. This is what you do if you have a special emotional connection with someone. This triggers her seeing you as LTR material and does two things:
1) It will take longer to lay her
2)She is going to compare you with her ex

She had this great image of you, but because your actions aren't congruent with that image, she's less attracted. She has a history with that exBF she will remember good and bad things. But telling you in your face she wants him to contact her again, is actually telling you he won.

What to do next? I would go find another HB and don't make the same mistakes again.

Because even if you really want her you're in the LTR zone, and she's not really hot for you now.

 

[christz]

see the SAME shyt happend to me and it was in the exact time frame 2 months, and then a week after the 2 months passed she was distanced and cold.

I did fu*k her among other things, and she even opted to goto a holloween part with me and there she tried to initate sex again.

i denied her and since that day, she was really cold, and even more distanced. She would lie about seein gher e/x i knew though she was i put myself in a situation knowingly because i figured if she's likeing two guys all i need to do is do a few things RIGHT and she'll move my way.. well i did everything wrong and things ended bad.

she was pretty tore up about the whole situation. needless to say i stopped talking to her for a month. so a month passed then i called her at like 2:30 in the morning one night. and she of course didn't pick up but txt'ed me the next afternoon.

since then she's been pretty happy that were're talking again and i see THE SAME attitude i saw when we FIRST started talking. her intesnity is back but this time i know her tricks and i know the game a little better. when as before her laughing at my jokes got steadily decreased like she would just smile.. now she's cracking up at every little thing i say. and she even let "baby" slip outta her mouth, i never brought it up and i haven't brought up our screwy past either.

i call at random points in time during the week if i call monday the next call won't be until wensday or even longer than that. and now i'm the one hanging up the phone on her. and now i feel like i control the situation.

and each day that passes i can see and hear a difference in the tune she's singing. I want her as a friend and the only way i'd have her as a LTR is if she ditches her e/x (and i KNOW they still hang out each and every single night) so yeah we'll see where this goes with me and her. Since now jelousy, insecurity and the "unknown" have been removed from the equation