Writing letters (not "love" letters)

[thirdtimescharm]

Just wondering what the feeling is around here on writing letters to women and expressing "feelings" to them. There's someone I met a few months back and we just spent a bunch of quality time together in the last week. I've been sick this week with strep and bronchitis, and maybe a little out of my head, but I just wrote a really long letter to her, and while not professing love (I never used the word in it), I think it's pretty personal and I might just keep it as sort of a "journal" but on the other hand, it might make a possibly good thing better. Or it might end it. And either way, I'd be fine with that.

If anyone wants to read it, let me know and I'll PM a copy.

 

[SecondHalf]

Personally, I'd go with the journal idea.
I've written a letter before in an AFC stage of a relationship.
I wouldn't consider it now.
What is the purpose of such a letter?
It will relinquish frame, challenge and mystery.

I'm not sure how long you've been seeing this woman. Not long I suspect as you've emphasized that you didn't mention love.

Couple questions to help you decide if you don't like my rational or other members who answer.

1) What if there is little feedback from her on this letter?
2) What if you send it and immediately feel vulnerable. How will you deal?
3) Are you sure she "needs" such a letter?

I'd instead poke a note under her pillow, or maybe in her pocket that she'll come across in a day or so. Something physically affectionate that will make her smile. Safer I think.

Don't put the heart on the sleeve, it just doesn't belong there.


SH

 

[thirdtimescharm]

SecondHalf,

Thanks for your reply. I do like your rational. I did the smart thing by pausing without sending, and taking my concern to a safer forum.

Back story: We met back in October for a lunch date. Then there was nothing for a month until she messaged me and said she met someone the same day we met, but it didn't work out, and that she'd understand if I never wanted to see her again, but she would love to get together if I was open to it. I waited a few days, posted here for some advice, and ended up telling her that I'd been busy and we should see how things are in a few weeks. I sent her a message just after new years, and we met up a few days later. We ended up seeing each other six days out of twelve, twice just for a shared meal and then I ended up staying at her place two nights last weekend. She was out of town for three days as well. While we had a hell of a lot of fun, we did not go all the way (but have gone everywhere else). I'm not just out for all the tail I can get.

As for your questions:

1) If there is no or little feedback from my letter, I'm fine with that. Towards the end of the letter I told her that I expected no response, and that I was writing for myself, ultimately, but I wanted to give her a chance to know me better too.

2) If I feel vulnerable? I think that's a bit of the point, actually. In deciding to try to get closer with someone, if you don't let yourself feel vulnerable, you likely aren't going to get anywhere.

3) Does she need such a letter? Probably not. Not sure this matters, but I'm a rather serious Scorpio, and she's a freewheelin' Sagittarius. If we go by the Zodiac, we've got challenges. If we don't, we've still got them. But I do know we have some of the big stuff in alignment (and I'm not talking about the stars here) and we've both expressed some interest in doing things differently and writing our own rules.

Finally, if this falls apart, I'm not worried. I've been seeing another woman for about two months and we have a good thing going too. She's a flight attendant so not in town all the time. I've got options, and the letter was in no way intended to force a decision on anyone. I am finding it interesting that the flight attendant is not driving me to any such letter writing, but she's totally in to me and will literally bend over backwards to please me. I suppose that situation is lacking the thrill of the chase. I've also had a few rather tame dates with an Opera singer/teacher who is quite attractive and while we haven't seen each other since early December, the lines of communication are still open...she has pursued me after I backed off to focus more on work (and the flight attendant, of course) So life is pretty good.

 

[Colossus]

I have written letters too in my AFC life and while it can be very therapeutic psychologically, it is almost invariably detrimental to your frame.

It will relinquish frame, challenge and mystery.

Indeed. It might be a moving or flattering gesture to her, but it will knock you down a few (or many) pegs on the beta-scale. Trust me.

 

[st_99]

I have written letters too in my AFC life and while it can be very therapeutic psychologically, it is almost invariably detrimental to your frame.

^^^yep

think about if a girl that you may have liked "a little bit" maybe a mid level plate wrote you some sappy 3 page letter. I think i'd vomit, and so the same goes for the other way around. At this point in my life, i probably wouldn't get passed the second paragraph before it went into the trash can.

Just don't.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

^^^yep

think about if a girl that you may have liked "a little bit" maybe a mid level plate wrote you some sappy 3 page letter. I think i'd vomit, and so the same goes for the other way around. At this point in my life, i probably wouldn't get passed the second paragraph before it went into the trash can.

Just don't.

While I definitely don't want to go down any rungs on the beta-scale, I have been told by a number of women that I have written to over the years that they -love- my writing and my feeling is it has gotten them more in to me as most desire that kind of openness. Most guys don't/can't do it, and while I might not like some "sappy" letter from a mid-level plate, getting one from someone who I was truly interested in might have a different effect.

Still, I'm going to hold on to this one for now and hopefully spend some more time with it under my pillow.

 

[wilford]

Been there, done that... It doesn't matter how alpha or beta you sound in your texts or how intelectualy stimulating it is... the longer you keep thinking about her and texting, the harder it will be to switch the frame to real sex mode, and bigger the frustration in the case you fail. Take care.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Don't do it!

Listen to Colossus!

LOL letters! Man this was my AFC-self-destruct method! Long lovey-dovey letters and emails....

This is like taking the trigger to your head.

Let me give you an example I have seen of my father, who has been happily married for 25+ years:

He seldomly writes notes. When he does, they are very short and something along the lines of "Have a great day, Love, __name___" That's it. And the man when he wrote a paragraph on a birthday card to my mother could get her in tears of joy. (because he didn't overwhelm her with long ass letters and they were very rare positive reinforcers).

File that letter away.

I take the notion to write such things as an indicator -- indicator of your strong feelings towards her.

Recognize those feelings. You can always look back on the letter later and see if you were just caught up in schmoozy feelings or if time has proven her really worth it.

I think it's much harder to damage a relationship by NOT giving a letter...it's much easier to add too much emotional stuff on there and what will she do with all of that? Where does she put this information?

Maybe more than a kind letter--

what about another date?
think of something special.
she will know you care because of your actions...
you won't need any paper in between.

my $0.02 cents.

I hope everything works well for you!!!!!

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I'm totally down. The letter is filed my eyes only.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

So I haven't seen her for a week now. She came back from a couple days out of town. I asked if she was free tomorrow night for "sushi, saki, and neck biting." She said "sounds good"

And the letter will wait.