Won't leave boyfriend?

[cupraikso]

I have a big mystery going on, and I don't know how to approach it.

Basically, I have a girl that is shooting IOIs like a madman and yet she says she will not leave her boyfriend because she feels the obligation to remain with him. Now, previously I would be calling BS, but there are massive contradictions.

Let me summarize my experiences briefly:

• I meet the girl, she displays interest by opening a conversation.
• I continue the conversation, exchange emails.
• SHE adds me to her instant messaging account.
• We chat for about 3 days, and we discover we're very similar.
• I propose to hang out.
• Before hanging out, she explains that she has a boyfriend, and hopes that doesn't interfere.
• We hang out, things get a bit physical, we touch, we hug.
• She texts me constantly, and I almost always reply.
• We continue hanging out 2-3 times. She says that I'm amazing and that it's unfortunate that she has a boyfriend. Says that she wishes we had met before she had known her boyfriend.
• I also express interest, but I say that I also had a recent relationship.
• We continue hanging out. Things get a bit more physical. Touching all the time, holding hands, and kissing frequently.
• We finally talk about our situation and she says that her situation is bad and hopes that the boyfriend will break up with her, because she can't do it. She promised to be there for him no matter what.
• I get frustrated, so I propose we don't see each other anymore.
• After 3 days of no contact, she texts me and says that she's having a very difficult time not seeing me.
• I agree to meet and we continue hanging out for some days.
• This time the kissing becomes more frequent, her need for affection is much greater, text me constantly. She goes out of her way to see me every day.

And that's pretty much my actual situation. Yes, I've become greatly attached. Yes, I know she is cheating on him and she expresses guilt.

What in the world does she want? I mean, I'm not in the 'friend zone' because of the physicality and interest, right? and her desire to see me every day? and her constant texting?

By the way, the boyfriend situation is real, he has called multiple times while we were hanging out. Let me add that at this point we have been seeing each other almost every day in this week (because she seeks me). Her current arrangement is that she sees her boyfriend once or twice a week.

I try to calm things down, I don't reply that often, I don't ever call her if she doesn't call me, I never initiate dates.

My weakest point here is that I do want a relationship. I don't know how to proceed.

 

[Drdeee]

What makes you think she has a boyfriend in an actual sense, and not another dude or two like yourself? It could be that, or something else. In all honesty she doesn't sound like a healthy lady, not even by a long shot. Why not make her your fvck buddy only, and keep that going on for several months, before proceeding to anything serious.

 

[horaholic]

Just fvck her already. She's obviously waiting for you to give her the 'it just happened' excuse. She needs to put all the blame on you, so she can rationalize her horishness for cheating.

 

[cupraikso]

Ah, that makes a lot of sense!!!

That's what I was thinking.

 

[Igetit!]

I have a big mystery going on, and I don't know how to approach it.

I don't see what the "big mystery" is here,in the end Horaholic is right.

That's what it's all going to boil down to in the end.

Basically, I have a girl that is shooting IOIs like a madman and yet she says she will not leave her boyfriend because she feels the obligation to remain with him.

She's doing the same thing ALL WOMEN DO in her situation,which is getting different sets of emotional needs met from two different sources.


You might as well settle in and buckle down,because chances are,this little triangle going on here will be lasting for a while.

[*]She says that I'm amazing and that it's unfortunate that she has a boyfriend. Says that she wishes we had met before she had known her boyfriend.

Of course she's going to tell you you're "amazing" and all that,there's no responsibility with you.



This is like when a married woman cheats on her husband with another man and tells him she thinks he's wonderful and she has so much fun with him.

What the hell do you expect?





Of course she's going to have fun with the guy she's cheating with,there's no obligation there. With her husband,she lives with him,has to cook/clean the house,pay bills,take care of the kids,perform her wifely duties,etc.



She doesn't do all that with the guy she cheats with. She just goes over there,fools around,and can come and go as she pleases.




That's why you're so "amazing" to her,there are no obligations there. She said herself that the reason she stays with her boyfriend is because she feels "obligated". So don't let her little naive compliments go to your head.

Yes, I know she is cheating on him and she expresses guilt.

So she expresses guilt for cheating,then after expressing that guilt....she CONTINUES cheating,right?


Hmmmph.

What in the world does she want?

She "wants" what she currently has......

security from her boyfriend
excitement and freedom with you



Two different needs from two different sources. If she chooses to be with you,she'll lose the security her boyfriend provides,but if she chooses to stay with her BF,the newness and excitement from you goes away.




Like I said,you may as well get used to the status quo for a while.

I mean, I'm not in the 'friend zone' because of the physicality and interest, right?

No dude,you're not in the friend zone. You don't have to worry about that.

we have been seeing each other almost every day in this week (because she seeks me). Her current arrangement is that she sees her boyfriend once or twice a week.

LOL,this is funny. So she dictates how often you two see each other and hang out. If this continues there probably a good chance she'll choose TO REMAIN with her boyfriend.


It's only a matter of time before this novelty you provide wears off.

 

[cupraikso]

The reason I have hanging out so much with her is that well, my position was to never reject an incoming 'date'. I have never initiated dates, except in maybe perhaps one or two occasions.

And I forgot ... her boyfriend knows about us. She told him that she had a great connection with someone. She was hoping that he would break up with her, but he didn't. He said that he wants to remain with her / marry her. He forgave her, so now she says that she has to give him a chance.

If I get this correctly, the thing to do is this:

• Fvck her as soon as possible.
• Become more unavailable.

Right?

Or are you telling me to eject?

 

[Drdeee]

On 2nd though I think it could be a great opportunity to pass around your seed without responsibility. Just imagine she and her dude growing your child. You don't have to do squat but have a peace of mind that you may die knowing you passed your gens. Of course fvck her!

 

[cupraikso]

Drdeee: LOL

Thanks everyone.

Now my question, how in the world do I become more unavailable?

Usual conversation:

Her: Hey! can we see each other today?
Me: erm, I don't think so, I have to do some boring stuff, like wash my car, get a haircut.
Her: ohh! can I go with you? those are not boring things! especially with you.
Me: umm. are you sure?
Her: yeah, it's not the perfect date, but hey, I am happy as long as I am with you.
Me: ok, I guess.
Her: cool! I'll be over.

 

[st_99]

Drdeee: LOL

Thanks everyone.

Now my question, how in the world do I become more unavailable?

Usual conversation:

Her: Hey! can we see each other today?
Me: erm, I don't think so, I have to do some boring stuff, like wash my car, get a haircut.
Her: ohh! can I go with you? those are not boring things! especially with you.
Me: umm. are you sure?
Her: yeah, it's not the perfect date, but hey, I am happy as long as I am with you.
Me: ok, I guess.
Her: cool! I'll be over.

soooo did u fck her yet or what? I mean, whats the point in hanging with a girl with a boyfriend if you're not getting any sex out of it????? I'm assuming you're in your 20's..

 

[cupraikso]

soooo did u fck her yet or what? I mean, whats the point in hanging with a girl with a boyfriend if you're not getting any sex out of it????? I'm assuming you're in your 20's..

29 actually. She's like 6 years younger. No, no sex so far because I haven't actually pushed / tried going for it.

 

[st_99]

29 actually. She's like 6 years younger.

ok, so you're not some young kid and you should be banging her, if not, give her the boot.

 

[cupraikso]

So, fvcking becomes the ultimate test? It's weird because sex is not the reason I'm hanging out with her.

She's incredibly stimulating intellectually speaking.

But you're right. I should be inside her.

Also, if someone had a tip in how to become more unavailable without seeming that I don't give a fvck, I would appreciate that.

 

[sexysuave]

Ummmm, if you don't fvck her, I'm thinking that she'll find someone else that eventually will...

Also, what Drdeee said, while really funny, is kinda scary because it's actually true LOL. You'd be surprised what percentage of kids have a dad who is not the one they think is their father. This is one of the scenarios that make that happen. But up to you what you eventually end up doing. You are 29 and she is 23, she is still pretty damn young and what you're doing is developing a oneitis for a girl that you haven't even slept with yet. This is your first mistake. Always lay her first, then you will be able to think more subjectively and won't put her on a pedestal. Anytime you have a oneitis, immediately after laying the pipe on them you will start feeling much more confident and better about your self and will see them as a normal person, and recognize their flaws as well. For some reason, before you nail a chick, you have all these things in your mind blowing her value the fvck up in your mind to the point where you think you NEED her and no other girl will do.

There is a good chance that after you have fvcker her enough times, you will start thinking "what the hell am I doing with this chick" lol, so that may solve some of your oneitis also. But yeah, like the above poster said, she is getting the security of her bf, and excitement with you, she wants her cake and to eat it too.

Also, her bf knows about you? Based on how much she keeps telling him, and what type of person he is, you could also potentially be setting your self up here for some real trouble. If this dude finds out more and more and finds out you're banging her, he might go to extremes to find you and hmmmm, "get revenge". She's not helping your case here by telling him about you. This is not good news for you. This dude might wake up on his left side one day, grab his shot gun, get in his truck and go midevil on you man lol, it's happened to guys before, trust me...

 

[cupraikso]

Arghh. I was unable to post because of the silly 10-post restriction before.

I'm back, and I have to thank deeply to everyone here. It has helped me a lot.

I cut back on communication and made myself more unavailable.

I'm just waiting for the right time to fvck. I have no idea if that's going to change her stance on her boyfriend, though. I think that if we do it, she's going to be forced to tell him and break up once she has an excuse. If she doesn't break up, well, then it means it's big-time cheating and I'll just go away.

Now, thinking about it, that might be a reason there will be no sex soon.

I'll try, but I don't think it's going to work

 

[The_411]

This won't end well...

You're being triangulated and that's never a good thing.

A) Because if you're the "fun" part of the triangle then chances are if you weer ever to get into a LTR with her you'd be on the burdern part of the triangle

B) If a woman wants something enough she'll act. I know that woman are notorious for inaction, wishy-washy behavior etc, however if it was so bad she'd leave.

C) By not leaving she's stringing the guy along which likely means the same thing will happen to you down the road.

This girl doesn't pass the LTR test on many accounts. She's good for ONS or FWBS but that's it.

 

[cupraikso]

Sigh. This is not looking good AT ALL.

So, eject as soon as possible?

 

[cupraikso]

No one has replied, and I'm in the need of a bit of help here, so I'll rephrase my question.

If I were to go no-contact on this girl, what do you think is the likely outcome? will she stay with her boyfriend? will she try anything to go back to me? Last time she couldn't handle it and at day 3 she texted me back.

Is it better to try to pursue sex, or just go no-contact, and see whatever happens?

I have a feeling that after sex everything will remain the same. The boyfriend, me, the triangle. That's why I feel hesitant.

 

[sexysuave]

"waiting for the right time" to have sex sounds pretty silly to me. When is exactly the right time? Common now, something is a little off, not sure what it is, but I'll tell you what, the time is never right! The people that wait "for the right time" to do something may as well wait for eternity.

Look, what do you want outta this man? This chick is a fvcking slut so treat her like one, the NEXT time you see her, fvck her like the slvt that she is, and then go no contact if that's what you want, or if you want, just keep fvcking her whenever your d*ck gets hard. But fvck this chick the VERY NEXT TIME you see her, ok? And let us know how that went.

 

[cupraikso]

The thing is, both of our terrible living arrangements at the moment call for a hotel. So that needs premeditation, it can't just "happen". So, that sucks. It's pretty hard to say "hey, wanna have sex?, I have a room."

 

[cupraikso]

Sorry for beating on a dead horse, but I didn't get sex, and she said she was trying to get to see me as a friend because she can't leave her boyfriend. So, I'm doing no-contact since today, and without saying any goodbyes. I don't know if that's fair though. I don't know if I should say goodbye. She's' going to demand an explanation and I don't know if I'll resist doing no contact. Ahh, life.