Women aren't always the problem (yes, I know, obvious)

[quentin]

Hey guys, hope you're all doing well.


I'm writing on this forum, even though it's not quite the right place for it, but it's for those who don't know me to be able to follow along...


I just wanted to give some news and share my thoughts.


As some of you know, I was dating a girl for 5 months.


There were a ton of red flags (21 guys minimum, tattoos, divorced parents, gym addict).


Nevertheless, she gave me what I want in a woman closeness, tenderness, hugs...


She said I was the man of her life, that she'd never felt that way before... that she wanted kids... I believed it.


After 2 months I barely wanted to sleep with her anymore.


The truth is, I had a lot of negative thoughts about her, and I was stuck in my business, losing a lot of money.


But also, I tend to self-sabotage a lot. What I mean by that is, even if there were crazy red flags, a genuinely good girl might not have changed the story either I probably would have ended up leaving her anyway.


I don't know if you realize it, but I was in such a bad place due to several things at once: a sinking business, losses of people close to me, the breakup, no more sport


That I had a pneumothorax!!! Basically it's when a lung collapses.


That girl didn't even come to see me, even though I had broken up with her I still find that pretty bold.


Anyway, the point I want to make is for the men who will read this. Yes, red flags matter, yes all of that makes sense


But it only makes sense if you are in a good place yourself, because if you're not, no woman will do the trick.


I know this because I've been with (sexually or not) over 60 women in my life and I'm only 25...


And I now know that the problem doesn't always come from the women I meet (even if in this case it's pretty logical, somewhat) but from me.


I've actually started EMDR therapy to move forward and improve every aspect of my life.


That's it guys.


Hope you're all doing well. Thanks for any feedback.


Take care of yourselves.

 

[The Duke]

Sounds like some avoidant attachment style going on?

 

[quentin]

Sounds like some avoidant attachment style going on?

me or her?

 

[viking22]

If she has very high interest then at least in the early stages red flags aren't so much of a problem. She will be loyal and loving and easy to be with. Also you are being a tad judgemental. Everyone has a past. The genuinely good girls are just better at hiding their pasts. Also you will get a lot more drama with a genuinely good girl with low interest. So focus more on interest level especially now you have a good idea what high interest level looks like.

A woman's interest level can drop when you neglect her. Once you've hooked her you do need to make some kind of effort to keep her and not take her for granted. A lot of women do this because they've been hurt before so they almost develop an ability to close off their heart and steel themselves to move on and at least on the surface go cold. And if you do realize as you seem to have that you aren't that invested in the relationship or are losing interest don't string her along just end it. She will cry and try to guilt trip you but you just have to stay strong.

Also you are only 25. Don't be so hard on yourself. You've got a lot on your plate and women are very good at unilaterally moving things into relationship territory.

Old time players used to have certain rules to avoid situations like this where you've stumbled into a relationship unwittingly because the girl has very high interest level. The only one I remember is to only see a girl once a week if you don't want a relationship with her.

 

[Divorced w 3]

me or her?

You. It sounds like you had someone there that really liked you.

And then you think she’s supposed to come see you in the hospital, after you broke up with her? It sounds like she has self respect and that your ego needs an adjustment.

 

[quentin]

You. It sounds like you had someone there that really liked you.

And then you think she’s supposed to come see you in the hospital, after you broke up with her? It sounds like she has self respect and that your ego needs an adjustment.

I didn't tell the whole story because, honestly, it would take too long. Obviously, things are always rosy at the beginning, but that's when things get complicated.

When I really love someone and they’re in the hospital, I go see them—period. It’s a matter of values, and we don’t share the same ones.

Still, I have an ego problem, and that’s why I’m working on it.

 

[jhonny9546]

love is conditional and takes advantage of the dual female mating strategy.
You can either be the chad who breaks her heart, or her stable option after him

 

[quentin]

love is conditional and takes advantage of the dual female mating strategy.
You can either be the chad who breaks her heart, or her stable option after him

She was pretty hot in a lot of ways, but she acted weird around me, and she's slept with 21 guys—she's only 23 and has been in a relationship for four years... seriously... even though I'm into her, I just can't

 

[Divorced w 3]

When I really love someone and they’re in the hospital, I go see them—period. It’s a matter of values, and we don’t share the same ones.

She’s not your girlfriend, she’s not your friend, you broke up.

You obviously like her and expect her to come to you. What are you afraid of where you can’t call her up yourself and ask her out?

It’s not values, you’re deluded.

Still, I have an ego problem, and that’s why I’m working on it.

Yes, you do but it may be worse than that.

This type of thinking needs to be nipped in the bud before it does greater damage.

 

[The Duke]

me or her?

you

 

[quentin]

She’s not your girlfriend, she’s not your friend, you broke up.

You obviously like her and expect her to come to you. What are you afraid of where you can’t call her up yourself and ask her out?

It’s not values, you’re deluded.


Yes, you do but it may be worse than that.

This type of thinking needs to be nipped in the bud before it does greater damage.

I've already offered to talk it out, I've already tried to work things out, man—I didn't break up with him for nothing


and yeah, you're right!

 

[quentin]

you

No, I just had some questions—I think that's normal; it's not easy to explain everything over a computer.

 

[The Duke]

No, I just had some questions—I think that's normal; it's not easy to explain everything over a computer.

educate yourself about attachment theory. what you have posted says otherwise.