Woman duped out of motherhood

[Francisco d'Anconia]

So, what...Am I supposed to feel something here?

She wants a kid so badly now, but I'll bet when she was getting railed by at 3 in the morning on Saturday night hookup when she was 30, this didn't bother her too much.

You make choices in life, you deal. If she'd had a kid, she'd probably eventually regret leaving the workplace and letting her social life dwindle.

Or she'd have shoved her kid in daycare and he'd turn out like the rest of the current crop of savages that constitute the teenagers of today.

True, very true. The specific problem is that so many women define themselves by being a mother, it's how they define themselves. The bad thing about it is that they don't realize that in going after that dream they lessen the importance of having a good relationship with the father, it's as if the man is just a means to her objective (I was just in a situation like this).

Maybe it's me but I feel that wanting to have a child should be secondary to finding a person who you want to be with for the long term. Blame it on feminism or whatever, but too often people set goals which aren't really conducive to it's longevity.

Men want to get married by whatever means so that they can solidify a long term relationship. They end up marrying someone who's not really compatible with them but hey, she wanted to get married. Women who want to have a family marry because he proposed to her. Does she even know if he wants to additional pressure in raising a family? It's not always a given.

In the end a couple who aren't really compatible get married and have children, the marriage runs it's course and the women end up as single mothers and men end up carving out a portion of their income for a family which they are infrequently involved. I don't think that either actually thought of that as being part of their ultimate goal.

 

[penkitten]

So as the writer of the article lies on the bathroom floor, clutching her stomach and weeping for a child that she never had, she understands what her choices have done to her life.

you are right, the choice was hers.
i think the article was written from her moment of epiphany, where she realized exactly that it was all her choices that left her childless.
i think she is explaining what she was taught and fed the pipe dream to illustrate how she always thought that there would be time, but never took the time to think about it.

 

[penkitten]

True, very true. The specific problem is that so many women define themselves by being a mother, it's how they define themselves.

i define myself as a mother, because i have never been anything else. that is what i have always been.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

i define myself as a mother, because i have never been anything else. that is what i have always been.

Even before you became pregnant? Or did it take getting pregnant for you to be able to define yourself? Ever consider what you are going to be once the little ones grow up and leave home? Will "mother" have the same definition to you as it does today?

 

[penkitten]

Even before you became pregnant? Or did it take getting pregnant for you to be able to define yourself? Ever consider what you are going to be once the little ones grow up and leave home? Will "mother" have the same definition to you as it does today?

when i was 6 my momma had my baby brother, and had to go back to work to pay the bills. my oldest brother was 13 and lived with my dad for a bit. my blind brother was 7. my step father would leave, as soon as mom went to work, and return shortly before her shift was over. i had no choice but to become his little momma and i had always been the little sister with the eyes for my older brother.
when i was 11, i started babysitting for cash, everyone loved and trusted me, and i was able to earn money for school clothes and shoes and stuff.
i got pregnant at 15, so i stopped watching other people's kids, had my baby, got a real job and well... you know the rest.
it is all i have ever been, you see, so it is the only way i know how to define myself.

what will i do when they all grow up? i think i will go back to school to do something, just not sure what. i will always be their momma, but i know that it will be different once they are grown, as i will no longer kiss the boo boos and hold their hands.

i have thought about teaching, nursing, and basketweaving haha.

 

[Drum&Bass]

A person man or woman SHOULD NEVER DEFINE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OCCUPATION...it may be an important part of your life but it should NEVER define who you are. I'm an artist and art is important to me, but it DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM..

The choices I make and the way I choose to live my life is what defines me.
NOT MY INTERESTS.

 

[joekerr31]

A person man or woman SHOULD NEVER DEFINE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OCCUPATION...it may be an important part of your life but it should NEVER define who you are. I'm an artist and art is important to me, but it DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM..

The choices I make and the way I choose to live my life is what defines me.
NOT MY INTERESTS.

agreed. there is no need to define yourself in this life. unfortunately we think there is because we are defined shortly we come out of the womb with a name.

once you are old enough to realize you have a name, and that other people have different names, you realize that you are different than everyone else - and for the rest of your life you spend it trying to 'define' exactly what/who you are in comparison to others.

when in reality we are no different than a cat or a dog. you can give a cat a name, and it will respond to it, but it doesn't care about its name. it doesn't care what it looks like. it doesn't sit there wonder if its life is a failure, or why the cat down the street wouldn't f*ck it.

it simply goes with the flow, without ever judging itself.

unfortunately maybe 1% of humans ever reach a point in life is self acceptance. most of us spend our lives constantly judging ourselves and constantly seeking external validation.

most of the reason men and women are so drawn to each other is to validate each other - the whole concept of the 'prize' stems from this concept. 'if i score an hb10 that means im da man' kind of thinking.

and its sad that so many of us in the west waste our lives worrying about this stuff. and its only when we are old and wrinkled and the world doesn't carea bout us anymore that we stop caring about the world and we simply enjoy life.

there a lots of old people who will tell you their later years were the best years of their life. and its for one reason only - they stopped defining themselves nad just enjoyed their life.

 

[joekerr31]

i define myself as a mother, because i have never been anything else. that is what i have always been.

but you aren't a mother.

yes, this is a responsibility you have. it is one of the labels you have. but you aren't solely a mother.

you are a mother, a lover, a sister, a daughter, etc.

this is why people shouldn't bother even trying to define themselves. they should just be. period.

because the moment you start to define yourself as something, you immediately start to judge whether you are living up the expectations you and others have of that 'something' - which leads to nothing but self criticism.

yes, you do certain things but you aren't those things, you are always simply a human being DOING those things.

 

[ketostix]

you are a mother, a lover, a sister, a daughter, etc.

That reminds me of that one song that goes, "I'm a b!tch, I'm a lover, I'm a daughter..I'm a mother.." or something like that lol.

 

[joekerr31]

That reminds me of that one song that goes, "I'm a b!tch, I'm a lover, I'm a daughter..I'm a mother.." or something like that lol.

yep. i hestitated to write that just for that reason.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

A person man or woman SHOULD NEVER DEFINE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OCCUPATION...it may be an important part of your life but it should NEVER define who you are. I'm an artist and art is important to me, but it DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM......

Heaven forbid that they should lose their job. Ever wonder why so many men fall into depression after they they are fired or laid off? Ever hear about mothers who become depressed once they become empty nesters?

Married guys, ever wonder why women want to have more children a couple of years before your youngest kids are ready to go off to college? All of these people define themselves by what they do instead of who they are. Take away what they do and it's like cutting off an arm.

 

[mrRuckus]

unfortunately maybe 1% of humans ever reach a point in life is self acceptance. most of us spend our lives constantly judging ourselves and constantly seeking external validation.

most of the reason men and women are so drawn to each other is to validate each other - the whole concept of the 'prize' stems from this concept. 'if i score an hb10 that means im da man' kind of thinking.

and its sad that so many of us in the west waste our lives worrying about this stuff. and its only when we are old and wrinkled and the world doesn't carea bout us anymore that we stop caring about the world and we simply enjoy life.

Thank god for this or we'd still be in caves.

 

[Latinoman]

A person man or woman SHOULD NEVER DEFINE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OCCUPATION...it may be an important part of your life but it should NEVER define who you are. I'm an artist and art is important to me, but it DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM..

The choices I make and the way I choose to live my life is what defines me.
NOT MY INTERESTS.

Perhaps your best post to date.

I would add to this that "A man or woman SHOULD NEVER DEFINE THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OCCUPATION...It should be the other way around, they should define their occupation.”

Art should not define who you are…YOU should define art.