Will I ever grow confidence?

[SayWhat]

Hi all

Last night it was my first time in a nightclub as a waiter. I took this job in the hope it would make me another person, as to grow confidence, be more social...

But as the night ended, I actually didn't achieve anything, ok I know this stuff doesn't come overnight, but I had a constant feeling of no self-worth. When people were looking I always assumed because something was wrong with me, my hair looked funny,...
For example, I said to a group "I'll get rid of those empty glasses on your table so you have some more room". A normal phrase, but when I walked away I thought to myself "damn that was a stupid sentence, they must have heard I have no confidence at all".

Will it get better if I keep trying, even though it always sounds forced if I say something? I know you can say in fact anything, as long you say it in the right tone. Unfortunately, this tone has clearly no confidence, it just doesn't feel right if I say it.

 

[YAboi]

they probably thought wow what an efficient caring waiter, how rare. As for the confidence issue I would say just forget about it and live ur life and try LOTS of new things along the way. Be adventurous and do what makes you happy. do that as many times as possible and u will see results.

 

[betheman]

Hi all

Last night it was my first time in a nightclub as a waiter. I took this job in the hope it would make me another person, as to grow confidence, be more social...

But as the night ended, I actually didn't achieve anything, ok I know this stuff doesn't come overnight, but I had a constant feeling of no self-worth. When people were looking I always assumed because something was wrong with me, my hair looked funny,...
For example, I said to a group "I'll get rid of those empty glasses on your table so you have some more room". A normal phrase, but when I walked away I thought to myself "damn that was a stupid sentence, they must have heard I have no confidence at all".

Will it get better if I keep trying, even though it always sounds forced if I say something? I know you can say in fact anything, as long you say it in the right tone. Unfortunately, this tone has clearly no confidence, it just doesn't feel right if I say it.

well done getting the job, working with the public, face to face is good to develop self confidence but steady on, first night and you want the world to change?

you are projecting your fears and thougths on to others, thisd has to stop, you arent a mind reader, you do not know what they are thinking, stop doing this, its a very unhealthy and negative habit.
be polite, be helpful and be efficient, work hard. and remember, peple ar emuch more ready to complain than compliment, just because you arent being directly complimented, doesnt mean you are doing a crap job.

 

[Ronaldo7]

Confidence is what you project. If you are uneasy about something, it will show. If you think your hair looks funny, don't let others see that. You need to see yourself as flawless to project exactly what you want and need. When you speak, you need to do so in a very affirmative and assertive manner. Don't say "Would you like to go to a movie". Say "I'm taking you to a movie". Use that example for EVERYTHING you think,say, and do. It will show forth that you project exactly what you mean.

 

[SayWhat]

I know it won't happen overnight, but this is going on for so many years... I tried to change my clothes, my hair,... But it just won't go away.

Everytime I go out, I go home pissed because I can't be like the normal people who can talk about everything and have a good time. I usually just stand there, looking around, not even dancing because it could make me look ridiculous, having a beer (too many in the end because there's nothing else to do...). It drives me mad because I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

[Ronaldo7]

I'll re-write your post to what you should say.

I know it will happen. I will change my clothes, my hair, and everything i'm not HAPPY with.

Every time i will go out, i will go home knowing i'm better than everyone i saw while i was out. "Normal" people should be more like me. Everyone is simply a clone of one another, while i shine through. I usually just stand there, analyzing people and things, and keep my composure being calm, cool, and collected. I don't dance because i don't care what people think or what it would seem like.

- Drinking because you have nothing else to do is pretty pathetic. It shows you have no objective and will follow the waves to wherever they take you. I personally don't drink at all, but your reason to drink too many is completely stupid.

Air is matter. Words are matter as well. If you THINK and SPEAK, it will become true. Your current state is just evidence of your lowly mindset. THINK you are better, KNOW you are better, DO EVERYTHING KNOWING you are better.

 

[goundra]

u need to get OVER yourself, dude. Every GD thing that happens around you is NOT about YOU.

 

[SayWhat]

The drinking was a few months back, since new year I actually don't do this anymore, but it was the reason. I spend over 2 months without alcohol because of exams and I don't feel like drinking anymore (besides the occasional 1 or 2).

It's hard to feel better than everybody else, as everywhere I see, everyone has it better than me (at least on the parts of life where I want do to well, i.e. good social life). I have friends, but everybody labels me as silent. I simply don't know what to say to people. If I see people talking to other people I always wonder how they can do it. Trivial stuff like how was your weekend or what are you going to do, are questions I find stupid to ask as frankly it doesn't interest me that much...

Like yesterday, I could ask my co-workers about how a normal night went in the club or what's the average time of closing, but I just 'couldn't', I don't know why.

 

[Ronaldo7]

What is it that you wish to change about yourself?

Weight?
Hair?
Clothes?
Shoes?

Why do you care what they label you as?

I personally talk to people about myself. Tell them about your interests, hobbies, etc. There is a good chance you might have something in common with them and build up convo from there. I agree on not making meaningless conversation. When you tell people stuff about who you are and yourself, make sure it is something that they won't forget anytime soon. Establish your superiority to them from the beginning.

Do this for a whole week and see. Repeat to yourself that you are better than everyone else however many times you need. Then go out to the club or wherever and act like it. Always think that everyone is inferior to you. Talk to them as if THEY are the ones that need to demonstrate THEIR worth to YOU.

 

[foreverAFC]

hate to break it to you but unless you are very good looking the people there most likely just see you as a waiter and dont care what you have to say or what you are doing as long as the service is decent

 

[nroug7]

Hi all

Last night it was my first time in a nightclub as a waiter. I took this job in the hope it would make me another person, as to grow confidence, be more social...

But as the night ended, I actually didn't achieve anything, ok I know this stuff doesn't come overnight, but I had a constant feeling of no self-worth. When people were looking I always assumed because something was wrong with me, my hair looked funny,...
For example, I said to a group "I'll get rid of those empty glasses on your table so you have some more room". A normal phrase, but when I walked away I thought to myself "damn that was a stupid sentence, they must have heard I have no confidence at all".

Will it get better if I keep trying, even though it always sounds forced if I say something? I know you can say in fact anything, as long you say it in the right tone. Unfortunately, this tone has clearly no confidence, it just doesn't feel right if I say it.

Fvck what other people think, let them think what they want too, your on a damn roll, why should you care what they freaking think?
Adopt this attitude, and confidence comes naturally, I work in a reception area, I handle Tons of incoming calls, call out to people frequently and handle incoming customers.
And you know what the best thing is? I love it, I don't care whether they like me or not, Before I was anti-social, but now I love talking to people, whether they hate me or not.
Getting a job where customer satisfaction is important, is one of the best things you can possibly do to improve your confidence naturally and not just short-term.
All you have to do is lose the fear.

 

[coachD]

Wth a little patience and self improvement these types of jobs are great for meeting girls. Just concentrate on doing the job and try not to talk about your screw ups. Nobody gives a **** that you are insecure, don't reinforce it.

I'm actually thinking of waiting tables this summer just to meet girls and not drink all day.

 

[SayWhat]

Weight: I need and want to gain muscle, but overall I'm not insecure about that.
Hair: I don't feel secure about that. I feel ok when I leave the house, but after an hour or two I start wondering if it still looks good. Also in this category I hate my face on one side. When I look at a picture from me taken from the left or right side, it are 2 different faces. I actually like my left side, but the right is driving me crazy, I'm even considering plastic surgery (it has something to do with my eyelid)
Clothes: I'm quite happy about them
Shoes: Ok

Why I care, I don't know, I guess I just want to be liked by everyone, have a good social life and in the end find a girl. I want to enter a room and people start talking to me, so basically a popular guy.

I also don't know why I keep thinking of myself I'm not worth anything, I've had girls come up to me and said I'm a pretty guy, I've had girlfriends (but at the moment I'm single for over 3,5 years and only had one date and one trip with a girl in that time, these came due to effort of the girl. In those years I did never actively hit on a girl or ask anyone on a date).
I even don't know how to flirt or hit on someone, my girlfriends all hit on me so I have no experience on talking/flirting to girls.

I guess the main part is really the right side of my face which always makes me too insecure and it shows, if I could get over it, I think most of my problems would be solved

 

[Ronaldo7]

Weight: I need and want to gain muscle, but overall I'm not insecure about that.
Hair: I don't feel secure about that. I feel ok when I leave the house, but after an hour or two I start wondering if it still looks good. Also in this category I hate my face on one side. When I look at a picture from me taken from the left or right side, it are 2 different faces. I actually like my left side, but the right is driving me crazy, I'm even considering plastic surgery (it has something to do with my eyelid)
Clothes: I'm quite happy about them
Shoes: Ok

Why I care, I don't know, I guess I just want to be liked by everyone, have a good social life and in the end find a girl. I want to enter a room and people start talking to me, so basically a popular guy.

I also don't know why I keep thinking of myself I'm not worth anything, I've had girls come up to me and said I'm a pretty guy, I've had girlfriends (but at the moment I'm single for over 3,5 years and only had one date and one trip with a girl in that time, these came due to effort of the girl. In those years I did never actively hit on a girl or ask anyone on a date).
I even don't know how to flirt or hit on someone, my girlfriends all hit on me so I have no experience on talking/flirting to girls.

I guess the main part is really the right side of my face which always makes me too insecure and it shows, if I could get over it, I think most of my problems would be solved

Do get plastic surgery then. If it will make you happy, do so. When you enter a room, what do you do? Do you introduce yourself? Do you slouch and go in the corner? Or do you walk in and know you are better than everyone in it?

Do take into consideration my advice of doing everything like you think you are better than everyone. It WILL show results. It will get rid of your self-worth problem as well.

 

[Konada]

Drooping eyelid? I have a mild case of that. Try putting on a pair of glasses, it tends to deviate attention from your flaws (proven science symmetry is attractive)

OP, it is very normal to feel like complete sh!t the first time you're doing something. People are quick to criticize but never compliment. Use it as motivation to get better, keep on truckin and you'll get over it sooner or later.

Tbh, I was scared ****less when I first worked as a cashier as I gave wrong change to my very first customer.

http://sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?p=1895199#post1895199

A thread I made a year back, it might be a good read of what you are going through right now.

 

[SayWhat]

I don't know if it will ever be better. I keep having this insecure feelings when I'm around a lot of people. Last week I had another job where it was just me and someone else, I felt much more confident. But last night it was my waiter job and I keep thinking "why are people looking",...

I also notice my co-workers acting cheerful and having a good time, they also try to 'incorporate' me, but I just smile and can't act normal.

It's also quite weird, before I was a waiter, I envied people who performed this job. Now I have this job, I feel as a minority to other people...
I have this with quite a few things which I wanted before, then got and then didn't have the feeling about it as what I was expecting it would feel. Seem with this other job, when I'm doing that, I want to be a waiter so I'm with people; if I'm a waiter, I want to be in a calm environment...

Damn it's hard and I hate I keep feeling insecure about my looks and the way I talk...
Would it perhaps be better to not indulge myself in such situations and try to solve it first alone? Or is the current way the best way to get over it and change?

 

[Demonpenz]

I had a droopy eyelid. Then I got plastic surgery on it. That year a I filmed alittle movie called Die Hard -Bruce Willis

 

[Mike32ct]

Forget about confidence. Focus on competence. Do the best you can and keep improving.

 

[sambwoy]

hate to break it to you but unless you are very good looking the people there most likely just see you as a waiter and dont care what you have to say or what you are doing as long as the service is decent

Interesting point. Ideally since it is said most of us aren't models, and that's right, we shouldn't feel inadequate, but since the young-uns love the TV sadly yeah, you may well be examined/judged by women by standards we can't meet, in areas of life where they should not matter.

I think sometimes how women perceive me attractive-wise has somewhat affected my life decisions, and meeting fewer women as a consequence, but its too risky these days. I suppose sometimes I deliberately work with people and in environments where you will feel 'safe'.

 

[Atom Smasher]

OP, you simply need to get yourself calibrated socially. My prescription for you is daily small-talk. Chat up people wherever you go. Ask them how they are, make comments about your surroundings. Simple, friendly chat without expecting a payoff. Do this with both men and women.

You will find yourself gradually changing for the better and becomeing less self-conscious.