wife not sure of marriage

[DavenJuan]

I hope this post reaches the few knowledgable posters with the whole LMS banning epidemic.

this is quite serious though. My twin brother has been in his current relationship for 9 years and married 7 of them. him and his wife obviously got married extremely young. they have a son has well and have a "different" lifestyle since he is listed in the military the entire marriage.


go give a bit of background..

she is a typical housewife. cooks, cleans, (sometimes) and stays at home during the course of the day. outside of her duties as a wife and mother, she really doesnt do much of anything else.

apparently she approaced my brother and told him that she doesnt know if she wants to do this anymore. she doesnt feel that she " has a life, no freedom, no identity".

she proceeded to tell him that there are so many things that she wanted to do that she feels she lost out on because she got married so young. she didnt go to college, she didnt go to art school she feels that her early years have passed her by. by the way she is just turned 25.

she isnt telling him she wants to leave him, but she isnt telling him that she wants to stay either. she just tells him she doesnt know what she wants to do.

my first reaction was she was cheating on him, but he is soley convinced that what she says is the issue really is the issue. i dotn really know what to tell him because i have never been married before nor do i have the responsiblitiles that he does.

i think a lot of this has to do with the fact that she just went home for a month with him and got a taste of it and misses it. she saw her friends, and family, and was able to rekindle old memories prior to there marriage. she also just had a bday and probably realizes that she really HASNT made any progress from when the first got together.

what do you say/ or even do in a situation like this. He tell s me that he cant sit and wait for her to make up her mind on what she wants to do. but he also says he cant make her stay if she doesnt want to either.

discuss....

 

[speed dawg]

Sounds like she is telling him EXACTLY how she feels. H*ll, he should be lucky that she is doing that and not dropping a bomb on him out of the blue. She's obviously not happy in the marriage, which is especially common when you get married young.

Hard to give real advice since I'm obviously not close to the situation. But that's how it sounds to me. Right now I'd say he has an out to a clean divorce. Maybe he should talk to her about that. But be prepared, her having been dependent on her husband, he is going to pay.

 

[Mr. Me]

She's telling him that she's bored. Unless he revives in her a sense of adventure and fun, and soon - this relationship will end. That may mean being home instead of away in the military. He's NOT to take this lightly. And this may be the only warning he gets.

 

[romangod]

There's not much you can do or say in a situation like this. Your brother is correct, he can't make her stay if she doesn't want to. It looks like she's half way out the door and he should start preparing himself for that likely outcome.

Are there any kids? Hopefully not.

The best you can do is to be supportive and keep him strong. Whatever happens is beyond his control. Good luck.

 

[LovelyLady]

It sounds perfectly wonderful to me that she trusts her husband enough to share her sense of loss at "what could have been". It doesn't mean she regrets him, or her children. It just means that she is wanting MORE than that.

It is healthy that she realizes it is important for her to be able to realize some dreams that will bring individual fulfillment. It is what will restore her to be able to give back to her family.

Men/husbands canfeel trapped in their jobs and roles too. And become disconnected from their personal passions.

Something as simple as arranging a weekly drawing class at the local Community Arts Center or even one class a Semester towards a degree, may be all it will take for her to feel like she gets a little something that is all her own and honors her creativity.

It is important that they are both allowed to grow while they are together and support eachother as they change. When you love your partner and they tell you they are feeling this way, you tell him/her I will support you in pursuing your dream. What is it that you need to do to feel more fulfilled? How can we, as a couple, make it work for you and our family together?

The problem is identified - now they can identify the solution - together.

 

[Interceptor]

It sounds perfectly wonderful to me that she trusts her husband enough to share her sense of loss at "what could have been". It doesn't mean she regrets him, or her children. It just means that she is wanting MORE than that.

It is healthy that she realizes it is important for her to be able to realize some dreams that will bring individual fulfillment. It is what will restore her to be able to give back to her family.

Men/husbands canfeel trapped in their jobs and roles too. And become disconnected from their personal passions.

Something as simple as arranging a weekly drawing class at the local Community Arts Center or even one class a Semester towards a degree, may be all it will take for her to feel like she gets a little something that is all her own and honors her creativity.

It is important that they are both allowed to grow while they are together and support eachother as they change. When you love your partner and they tell you they are feeling this way, you tell him/her I will support you in pursuing your dream. What is it that you need to do to feel more fulfilled? How can we, as a couple, make it work for you and our family together?

The problem is identified - now they can identify the solution - together.

Absolutely wonderful post!

 

[romangod]

Are there any kids? Hopefully not.

OOps! Sorry............ After re-reading I see that you mentioned kids. This is going to make things much more difficult "if and when" the time comes.

The same thing happened in my family. My older sister married young(21) and had a daughter but decided it wasn't what she wanted. It was a hard time for the entire family but we eventually got through it. They both re-married and are quite happy while my niece from this marriage is a doll and my favorite.


It sounds like your brother's wife is going through the same thing. Assure your brother that no matter what happens there'll be light at the end of the tunnel. Cheers!

 

[Latinoman]

She is very honest. And she has a right to want self-improvement.

He can salvage this marriage if he PROVES to her that he is a FAIR man. What a fair man would do? He will

1- LISTEN
2- ANALYZE
3- ACT (in a fair way)

What would Latinoman do?

If he is 100% she is not cheating on him...then Latinoman will apply steps 1-3. And he will help her with her education. Nine years together...faithful years too. The less he can do is helping her with her goals.

Maybe both should sit down and discuss those goals...so she can see there is light at the end of the tunnel. He can discuss his...and she can discuss hers. And perhaps, she working on an education (something Military dependents can get with lot of help) can actually salvage her marriage.

The ball is in his court.

 

[Latinoman]

By the way...my ex-wife (we divorced in our 30s) and I had some issues in our 20s. We were going to probably ended up divorced. I salvage the marriage by showing her that I was a fair man.

The last few years of our marriage, she was very happy to the point that she suffered very badly when I left (in my case, my goals shifted in my mid 30s). But guess what? When I married her she had a High School degree...now she has a Masters Degree.

And she did not try to destroy me or take me to the cleaners when I put the divorce papers. In fact, we helped each other on that area to the point that lawyers were not involved.

A DJ is a FAIR man to those he love(d).

What is my point? Perhaps he can salvage his marriage by being fair. They could probably live for the rest of their lives together. But, if he manage to make it work now and then years from now it does not work...at least the divorce might go easier because she would be self-sufficient and would have RESPECT for him. Having said that, if she still wants a divorce now...oh well, at least he tried.

 

[Mr. Me]

Permit me to elaborate a bit more, pass this along to your brother. His wife is telling him of her dissatisfaction. That also means she's still willing to work with him on the problems in the marriage or she wouldn't be verbalizing it. Once she gives up on the relationship, she'll stop mentioning it. She'll be planning her exit instead. Then it will be too late. He may think, as men tend to think this, that her silence at that point signifies she's content. That's a very common mistake men make. She didn't just become unhappy yesterday, she's been unhappy for a while, now it's built up and she's expressing her frustration. In a little while, that frustration will morph into resentment. Then divorce follows.

As I wrote earlier, he needs to act now, while he has this small window open. One thing he could do, is go back to acting like newlyweds, doing the kinds of things they used to do when they were dating. He has to *date* his wife. Wives want some romance and fun. Her life is probably lacking that. It's probably all chores and all routine for her. Boredom kills marriages and creates an environment where cheating may occur.

 

[Nelford]

Sounds like she is telling him EXACTLY how she feels. H*ll, he should be lucky that she is doing that and not dropping a bomb on him out of the blue. She's obviously not happy in the marriage, which is especially common when you get married young.

Hard to give real advice since I'm obviously not close to the situation. But that's how it sounds to me. Right now I'd say he has an out to a clean divorce. Maybe he should talk to her about that. But be prepared, her having been dependent on her husband, he is going to pay.

He should serve her the walking papers. If a girl wants out there no changing her mind. She will leave eventally.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

He should serve her the walking papers. If a girl wants out there no changing her mind. She will leave eventally.

This is why so many marriages fail so easily, people just give up. They give up pursuing the passions they had before they married, they give up on doing the things that brought them together as a couple in the first place and when comes to a boil they just give up on one another. Madness...

 

[reset]

This is why so many marriages fail so easily, people just give up. They give up pursuing the passions they had before they married, they give up on doing the things that brought them together as a couple in the first place and when comes to a boil they just give up on one another. Madness...

Finally had a realization today, more obvious stuff: To get into a long term relationship that ends up in something serious like marriage/living together, the girl has to be so damn special and amazing that she is enough to....

CRAP! I lost it. Damn. I'm not kidding either. I lost it.

My point I guess is I was thinking of how people I know WANT to get married and settle down, and they are single. The girl has to be so special that she can TAKE YOU AWAY from the DJ/living on your own terms/schedule lifestyle. Why would you give up your freedom unless she was like the most amazing girl you had ever met in your life. Because there are a lot of cool chicks in the world. To settle down you'd have to really know she was that one. Yet people are ready to go "ok I'm an adult now, time to get hitched, give up my dreams, have children, and get a mortgage, otherwise I'm not living up to society's standards".

Damn with my last oneitis I wanted to marry the freaking chick. She was only 23. I was sick in the head.
</ramble>

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...My point I guess is I was thinking of how people I know WANT to get married and settle down, and they are single. The girl has to be so special that she can TAKE YOU AWAY from the DJ/living on your own terms/schedule lifestyle. Why would you give up your freedom unless she was like the most amazing girl you had ever met in your life. Because there are a lot of cool chicks in the world. To settle down you'd have to really know she was that one. Yet people are ready to go "ok I'm an adult now, time to get hitched, give up my dreams, have children, and get a mortgage, otherwise I'm not living up to society's standards". ...

They are more focused on being married without much concern about who they marry. They end up getting together with someone who they enjoy in their current life situation and believe that things will stay the same once they marry (they seldom do). They run around having tons of fun while dating but want to "settle down" once they marry. If that's the goal, why marry someone who enjoys running around having tons of fun??? People marry who they enjoy today, not the person that they will enjoy tomorrow.

 

[DavenJuan]

Finally had a realization today, more obvious stuff: To get into a long term relationship that ends up in something serious like marriage/living together, the girl has to be so damn special and amazing that she is enough to....

CRAP! I lost it. Damn. I'm not kidding either. I lost it.

My point I guess is I was thinking of how people I know WANT to get married and settle down, and they are single. The girl has to be so special that she can TAKE YOU AWAY from the DJ/living on your own terms/schedule lifestyle. Why would you give up your freedom unless she was like the most amazing girl you had ever met in your life. Because there are a lot of cool chicks in the world. To settle down you'd have to really know she was that one. Yet people are ready to go "ok I'm an adult now, time to get hitched, give up my dreams, have children, and get a mortgage, otherwise I'm not living up to society's standards".

Damn with my last oneitis I wanted to marry the freaking chick. She was only 23. I was sick in the head.
</ramble>

as accurate as you may be reset, that does not benefit this situation.

My own opinions own whether or not to get married, at what age, with whom, under what circumstances, etc are irrelevant to this post.

my brother is going through a tough situation, something that i cant really relate to myself so i am opening up the forum to discuss.

when someone says they are unhappy because particular issues that you have done, or the marriage is "dull".. then it seems a bit easier to fix/leave/whatever the choice may be.

however when the unhappiness is rooted from one partner not filling self worth, or any value, how do you tackle that issue?

i told him to just be the best husband you can be and honor your commitments.

you should want a wife that HAS self worth and value. and if she isnt feeling this then its something that BOTH of you are at fault for. i know he has made efforts to get her to do things on her own in the past and nothing has seemed to work to this point. but IMO you exhaust every effort to make your marriage work, and HELP your wife become the person you know she can be.

 

[joekerr31]

while i dont know the details i think probably the major problem is that hes in the military.

these guys are often gone for months at a time while the wife has no life other than looking after her kids.

its a really tough situation even for the best of women. you know what they say 'idle hands are the devils playground.'

if you have to much time to sit around and think about how your life sucks its going to wear on you over time.

whereas most women see their husband every night, have sex with him, plan family outings, etc.

women with military husbands don't get any of that for months on end.

to be honest, if i were in the military i don't think i'd get married. the job demands are not condusive to a healthy marriage. this isn't even considering the whole 'you could die at any time' effects associated with the job.

if your bro wants to save his marriage, it sounds like what he needs to do is get into a new line of work where he is home on a regular basis. this would also allow her to go back to school or something.

maybe he could become a cop?

anyway, i just think its uber difficult for military marriages to work unless the woman is prepared to accept all the burdens associated with such a marriage.

 

[reset]

as accurate as you may be reset, that does not benefit this situation.

sorry, didn't mean to crash your thread.

 

[Mr. Me]

however when the unhappiness is rooted from one partner not filling self worth, or any value, how do you tackle that issue?

Their unhappiness, of course, stems from themselves. They feel, however, it stems from their circumstances. She doesn't need to divorce him to attend college or art school or develop an interesting life, but she sees her circumstances as preventing her from doing just that.

You can't reason, you can't direct. And certainly, he can't do anything from afar. If this keeps going, some local guy is going to be more than happy to light a fire for her, and bring some excitement into her life and she's going to envision a better life elsewhere. So, your brother has to be the guy that lights that fire first.

What does she need? To be away from the daily routine a few hours a week? A few hours a week to attend an art class? To be romanced a bit on Saturday night? To take a drive out somewhere on a Sunday afternoon and smell the flowers? A walk in the rain? Help with the kids? Help with the household chores? She needs some attention, affection, romance, fun. He has to make her *feel* alive again. Right now she feels neglected and that life is passing her by. And it is.

Right now her life is a daily repetition of chores and kids and no spice. She anticipates that's the way life is going to continue to be. That's why, sooner or later, she'll want out.

I said it, then Joekerr said it, now I'm saying it again: military wives separated from their husbands get lonely, bored and dissatisfied with their marriages. There's a lot of cheating that goes on, either knowingly or not. You can't be away from your wife for months and months and expect that she's going to be okay with that forever.

There's really no other advice to give. It's time for him to ACT. He's been warned.

 

[seasonedplayer]

THis problem is symptomatic of the modern woman. Once upon a time, the woman would be content looking after the house. Today the man must severely compromise his career and his social life to accommodate the woman who wants everything