Wife left me... need advice.

ariesc

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I just recently found this blog and I need to ask for some advice. Excuse me if this isn't the most well structured post, my mind hasn't been really on point every since this event.

Backstory:

My wife was studying here in the states from Germany. We hit it off when we first met, she is about a 9, while on a good day I'm about a 7. My SMV is decent as I am 30, I own a luxury car, own two businesses, zero debt, etc...

We dated for a year, moved in together, lived together for 3 years, and got married. We spent every single day together and honestly, I never thought I'd be able to get along that well with a woman in my life... yet there she was.

Recently, she decided she no longer wanted to live here in the US and became gravely homesick. So, within one week of returning back to the US from our winter vacation in Germany, she packed her ****, sold her car, etc and moved back home with her family. I don't know why I reacted so unemotionally but as this ordeal transpired I was pretty indifferent toward the whole thing. I just couldn't believe what was happening.

When I dropped her off at the airport, she was in tears begging me to move with her back to Germany... I declined. She cried, I didn't. Again, I was pretty unemotional, probably from being in shock at how quick a 4 year relationship took a 180* turn...

When she arrived back home she said she needed to "figure things out" and gave me sort of an ultimatum that if I don't move to Germany then our marriage would probably have to come to an end. I stood my ground and declined since I have a career here, my friends, my family, my network, etc... and I asked her why didn't she think of this before we went through the whole marriage process. She answered "I didn't know I'd feel this way..."

Within the first week of being alone, I was utterly depressed, so naturally I jumped back onto as many dating sites as I could.

Within the first week I went on 3 dates. One with this Russian girl (about a 6.5) whom agreed to have NSA sex since she is going through a divorce herself, the other girl (who is an ex / solid 8) gave me a bit of the cold shoulder but remained kinda interested in the prospect of getting back together, and the 3rd (this girl is the hottest chick I've ever gone on a date with) but can't hold a conversation to save her damn life, is now ghosting me because I know I came off too needy...

Question:

I FEEL GUILTY. I'm still married and I can't help but have this small sliver of hope that my wife will come to her senses and return. I haven't had sex with the Russian gal yet, and I want to, but again, I feel guilty as hell. I'm technically still married and I'm very aware the only reason I jumped back into the dating scene so quickly is to mask how ****ty of a situation I'm in... To make matters worse, I feel even more terrible since that super hot chick is now ghosting my texts since I made the cardinal mistake of texting her again after she didn't respond... We went on two dates that went very well but we just don't have ANYTHING in common. I asked her what are some of her passions in life and she answered after some though "make-up and working out..."

What do I do? I'm afraid I won't find anyone that I could get along with as I did with my wife... I feel abandoned, guilty, rejected...

- Should I call off hooking up with that Russian gal?
- What can I do to get that super hot chick back?
- Should I just stop dating all together and give myself some time off?
 

lamath

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Recently, she decided she no longer wanted to live here in the US and became gravely homesick. So, within one week of returning back to the US from our winter vacation in Germany, she packed her ****, sold her car, etc and moved back home with her family. I don't know why I reacted so unemotionally but as this ordeal transpired I was pretty indifferent toward the whole thing. I just couldn't believe what was happening.

When I dropped her off at the airport, she was in tears begging me to move with her back to Germany... I declined. She cried, I didn't. Again, I was pretty unemotional, probably from being in shock at how quick a 4 year relationship took a 180* turn...

When she arrived back home she said she needed to "figure things out" and gave me sort of an ultimatum that if I don't move to Germany then our marriage would probably have to come to an end. I stood my ground and declined since I have a career here, my friends, my family, my network, etc... and I asked her why didn't she think of this before we went through the whole marriage process. She answered "I didn't know I'd feel this way..."
I think you did good being unemotional.

Now this imo is the most important
!!!!!!! DONT MOVE TO GERMANY, DONT MOVE TO GERMANY, DONT MOVE TO GERMANY!!!!!!!!

you are scarifying way too much and when things settle down you will hate yourself for it.




Only been 1 week?
Dont go on date, thats like getting drunk or stone to forget about your problem, it will only help for a short time and then it will be worst.
You need to deal with this **** head on, no band-aid.

Things will settle down or fix theself patience is key now
 

thelad

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Remember you are the one with Value not her. personally for her to do this to you Id go no contact and ditch her ass but let her crawl back to you and work for it she knows where you live. you are the 9 she is the 7. so many dont get this. took me hella long time to realise this as well.
I would agree dont go to Germany either you ask your self what has she better than what she had with you.

In my case my narcissist ex wife earned more way money than me she just loved the control she had over me, tit pvssy and money. needless to say I left her after seeing through her BS wouldn't look back either.
 

mrgoodstuff

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Remember you are the one with Value not her. personally for her to do this to you Id go no contact and ditch her ass but let her crawl back to you and work for it she knows where you live. you are the 9 she is the 7. so many dont get this. took me hella long time to realise this as well.
I would agree dont go to Germany either you ask your self what has she better than what she had with you.

In my case my narcissist ex wife earned more way money than me she just loved the control she had over me, tit pvssy and money. needless to say I left her after seeing through her BS wouldn't look back either.
You gave the control for some time. How much did it unsettle your life.? What was the cost and repurcussions?
 

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redskinsfan92

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I just recently found this blog and I need to ask for some advice. Excuse me if this isn't the most well structured post, my mind hasn't been really on point every since this event.

Backstory:

My wife was studying here in the states from Germany. We hit it off when we first met, she is about a 9, while on a good day I'm about a 7. My SMV is decent as I am 30, I own a luxury car, own two businesses, zero debt, etc...

We dated for a year, moved in together, lived together for 3 years, and got married. We spent every single day together and honestly, I never thought I'd be able to get along that well with a woman in my life... yet there she was.

Recently, she decided she no longer wanted to live here in the US and became gravely homesick. So, within one week of returning back to the US from our winter vacation in Germany, she packed her ****, sold her car, etc and moved back home with her family. I don't know why I reacted so unemotionally but as this ordeal transpired I was pretty indifferent toward the whole thing. I just couldn't believe what was happening.

When I dropped her off at the airport, she was in tears begging me to move with her back to Germany... I declined. She cried, I didn't. Again, I was pretty unemotional, probably from being in shock at how quick a 4 year relationship took a 180* turn...

When she arrived back home she said she needed to "figure things out" and gave me sort of an ultimatum that if I don't move to Germany then our marriage would probably have to come to an end. I stood my ground and declined since I have a career here, my friends, my family, my network, etc... and I asked her why didn't she think of this before we went through the whole marriage process. She answered "I didn't know I'd feel this way..."

Within the first week of being alone, I was utterly depressed, so naturally I jumped back onto as many dating sites as I could.

Within the first week I went on 3 dates. One with this Russian girl (about a 6.5) whom agreed to have NSA sex since she is going through a divorce herself, the other girl (who is an ex / solid 8) gave me a bit of the cold shoulder but remained kinda interested in the prospect of getting back together, and the 3rd (this girl is the hottest chick I've ever gone on a date with) but can't hold a conversation to save her damn life, is now ghosting me because I know I came off too needy...

Question:

I FEEL GUILTY. I'm still married and I can't help but have this small sliver of hope that my wife will come to her senses and return. I haven't had sex with the Russian gal yet, and I want to, but again, I feel guilty as hell. I'm technically still married and I'm very aware the only reason I jumped back into the dating scene so quickly is to mask how ****ty of a situation I'm in... To make matters worse, I feel even more terrible since that super hot chick is now ghosting my texts since I made the cardinal mistake of texting her again after she didn't respond... We went on two dates that went very well but we just don't have ANYTHING in common. I asked her what are some of her passions in life and she answered after some though "make-up and working out..."

What do I do? I'm afraid I won't find anyone that I could get along with as I did with my wife... I feel abandoned, guilty, rejected...

- Should I call off hooking up with that Russian gal?
- What can I do to get that super hot chick back?
- Should I just stop dating all together and give myself some time off?
Good decision! I'm proud of you! Don't move! Read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi. Stay on your purpose. If does not want to be a part of YOUR world then do not go to hers. The relationship would be not only doomed, but your life forever altered.
 

thelad

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You gave the control for some time. How much did it unsettle your life.? What was the cost and repurcussions?
Long backstory to it mrgoodstuff bottom line is I was manipulated into marriage and into her frame and she never resolved her family issues and boundaries emotionally and financially - in other words a life I never expected or asked for so why should I continue to be tortured or mindfvcked by her. the cost is high for a time emotionally stress and ill health this is the cost.
 

ariesc

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Good decision! I'm proud of you! Don't move! Read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi. Stay on your purpose. If does not want to be a part of YOUR world then do not go to hers. The relationship would be not only doomed, but your life forever altered.
I bought it on audible last week. Read it. Very tough pill to swallow.
 

ariesc

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You gave the control for some time. How much did it unsettle your life.? What was the cost and repurcussions?
I felt in a relationship, a healthy one at least, both parties must make sacrifices... I sacrificed many evenings where I would want to further my studies, be creative, play music etc, yet she'd want to go to bed early, and thus, I did. As sad as I am, I wonder if the sadness is not created from her leaving, but quite possibly, a deeply rooted insecurity of feeling not good enough, hence the abandonment feelings I've been experiencing. More back story, I was a late bloomer. When I was in middle school I was terrified by the prospect of talking to woman... I developed this insecurity that I carried with me into my high school years. It wasn't until I finally got my first girlfriend who was really pretty in the 10th grade when other guys started to notice and accept me... just because I was "scoring" with a 9.

When she broke up with me due to college and her wanting to experiment I went through one of the worst periods of my life.

It wasn't until then that I engaged myself in exposure therapy where I forced myself to go up to every girl that I felt was out of my league and ask for their numbers for about two months straight. It was rough in the beginning. I mean I recall once my hands were shaking so terribly I could barely punch the numbers into my phone lol.

But because of that I'm now pretty fearless when it comes to approaching women and I've managed to score many women who most men would consider 8's or 9's, and quite possibly 10's. But still that insecurity rears it's head every now and then, and like in the Rational Male, just because you acquire a girl, and your in an LTR, doesn't mean your relationship is insulated... So the possibility of reverting back to an AFC is always like walking on a tight rope.
 

ariesc

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I think you did good being unemotional.

Now this imo is the most important
!!!!!!! DONT MOVE TO GERMANY, DONT MOVE TO GERMANY, DONT MOVE TO GERMANY!!!!!!!!

you are scarifying way too much and when things settle down you will hate yourself for it.




Only been 1 week?
Dont go on date, thats like getting drunk or stone to forget about your problem, it will only help for a short time and then it will be worst.
You need to deal with this **** head on, no band-aid.

Things will settle down or fix theself patience is key now
My thoughts exactly. I was never planning to and never will. ESPECIALLY over a woman.
 
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backseatjuan

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So it's 1 year of marriage plus 3 years of living together, plus 1 year of dating, that is 4 years together in total, and she is 24, so that means you met her at age 20, and you was back then 26. There is no kids. I wonder if she has her U.S. citizenship yet or not and when and how she got it?
 

ariesc

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So it's 1 year of marriage plus 3 years of living together, plus 1 year of dating, that is 4 years together in total, and she is 24, so that means you met her at age 20, and you was back then 26. There is no kids. I wonder if she has her U.S. citizenship yet or not and when and how she got it?
Correct. She just got her US.C since she couldn't work and I decided to get married on paper so she can obtain her US.C. She has it now but from my research she will lose it if I file for divorce since we've only been married for 1 year. No kids thank god. No joint ownership of property. She was in 90k in debt I had zero debt. Don't know exactly how that works but the debt she incurred was prior to our marriage.
 

ariesc

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Correct. She just got her US.C since she couldn't work and I decided to get married on paper so she can obtain her US.C. She has it now but from my research she will lose it if I file for divorce since we've only been married for 1 year. No kids thank god. No joint ownership of property. She was in 90k in debt I had zero debt. Don't know exactly how that works but the debt she incurred was prior to our marriage.
MIND YOU, she promised she'll start working once she obtain the citizenship but once she did she kept putting it off. The picture I am painting really doesn't represent out relationship well, she wasn't that type of woman, status meant very little to her or at least what I'm trying to believe. Again, The Rational Male has opened many forms of thought that is now making me second guess everything.
 

backseatjuan

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How could she get a citizenship if you were only married for one year, is it the permanent residence that she has?

What was her interest level in you during year 1, year 2, year 3, and year 4?
 

Music_czar

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OP, your wife left you. She planned it, and sold all her stuff. Now it’s your responsibility to move on with your life. Go ahead and see the new Russian lady, your soon to be ex wife deleted the monogamous state of your relationship when she sold all her stuff and left you.

Is she going to support the two of you in Germany? She’s not the one with two businesses. She had an easy life and threw it away. As she experiences life as a late 20s used up divorcee, she will come to regret her decision.

But it wasn’t rash. It took lots of planning to sell her stuff and pay for her tickets and tell her family she’s coming home. You don’t need someone like this in your life - someone who schemes behind your back and makes important life changing decisions like this without you.

Go see a lawyer to help ensure your assets are protected, get a divorce, and start seeing other (more emotionally stable) women.

And whether or not you’re stupid enough to take this German back, make sure you never make the mistake of getting married ever again.

In this day and age, there is absolutely NO good reason for a man to get married other than to give in to the whims of a woman - whims that, as you can now clearly see, can change very suddenly out of nowhere.
 
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