Wife being a weirdo

[vinkoch]

We haven't had sex in 9 months or lived together for 2 years. We been married 13 years. I had 2 girlfriends in the last year she doesn't know about. She has trust issues with me and struggling with that. I sensed the marriage was over so that's why I had the girlfriends and wasn't getting any from the wife.

I tried to save the marriage one last time and dropped other women, of course had to lie about it having them in the first place. And to set the record straight I didn't cheat while we were together. She thought I was and actually cheated on me by kissing some guy at work years ago and I left her a year later and got a girlfriend so that's why she doesn't trust me, she's worried I'll do it again. This guy was sending her emails telling her I was definitely cheating and she should too.

She tried to go along with saving the marriage but didn't put in the effort and said she wants a divorce.

I filed for a divorce weeks ago and said we could be friends and there was no hard feelings. We didn't talk for 2 weeks and then she started contacting me.

She still wants the divorce but now that she sees I'm chill with being friends and put in the papers, she wants to consider us dating. I said that's cool and she can see other people if she wants. She said she doesn't want to and made an appointment to go get on birth control and wants to have sex again. She keeps asking to hang out and makes me food. Now she's even talking about having a kid after the divorce and even living together and maybe one day we could even get married again.

What the hell is this?
I don't care either way. She wants to work it out, then cool. But I'm perfectly fine getting the divorce too.

What's the opinion on this? Why the sudden interest in me again but still wants the divorce?

 

[MtnMan]

she wants what she cant have? My ex became the same way when I stopped trying to get back with her. As soon as I gave in and banged her a few times, she was gone. Lickity split.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Everyone's going to tell you she's the devil and to never talk to her again.

She obviously changed her tune when she saw you as a something that other women want. It's basic human psychology. You want what you used to have when you see someone else enjoying it. She got lazy about putting effort into your relationship, but now at the thought of her being lonely, she realizes that you were worth the effort.

I believe in forgiveness, but at the same time, it's naive to never suspect she will get lazy again after winning you back. And then you'll go elsewhere for attention. It's all one big circle if you let yourself repeat the same bullsh!t.

If it were me, I would take her back, and at the same time, expect to have to dump her again, despite hoping otherwise. I know that's convoluted, but I hope it makes sense. I believe in a carpe diem approach to relationships. Take what you can, while you can get it, because I have learned that happiness in relationships is a very fleeting thing.

 

[scrouds]

What's more appealing to you? What do you want to do?

 

[vinkoch]

I'm fine with getting a divorce and not going to ask to work things out again. I'm tired of the half @$$ marriage. I think we need to divorce so that we can see how we really feel about things. That probably sounds weird but given the situation the last few years it seems right to me. We have a great connection like best friends and compatible but we married young and messed things up financially and the infidelity so there's lots of disappointment to remember but we've talked about how if we went back in time.........

I kind of view her as a plate right now and I'm ready to move forward. I'm not sure what she is thinking though. Comfort? Confusion? Regret?

I think I'd actually like to have a family with her as I'm at that age where it's going to be hard to know some long enough and young enough to feel they're right to have a kid with. I know I'd be a better husband now and she'd be a better wife but faith isn't on her side with it she just likes to be with me. It's weird to feel I could do this yet not care if I don't. Probably an indicator it's not right? Supposing I want to give it a try at some point. Probably best not to mention it and just let the divorce go through and see if she changes her mind?

 

[Colossus]

A few years back I dumped my long-term girlfriend after about a year of progressive fighting and misery. She flipped. Blamed me for everything, gave me back everything I gave her, the whole dramatic woman scorned thing.

Fast forward about 4 months, I was in a really bad place and reached out to her out of nostalgia and loneliness. She was tenuous about it and essentially played me in my weak and dark times. Well, sh!t of course hit the fan when I found out she was basically two-timing me, and due to some other fortuitous circumstances I packed up my car and moved cross country back to my home state 5 days later. I didn't tell her until the day I left.

This time she went NUTS. Called me, texted me 1000 times, apologized for everything, said she realized she only wants to be with me, rivers of tears, etc. She even drove an hour to my apartment after I left and looked in all the windows just to see if I was really gone. But I was gone, baby gone.

See, women need to have the last word. The cannot emotionally handle being dumped. I mean it sucks for us too, but they go ballistic and will try every spell and coy tactic in their book to get you back in to their clutches so they can feel that security they need so badly again. When in reality, once they get comfortable again, they will go back to the same lazy, half-ass, disrespectful b!tch they were when you were together. People don't normally make dramatic changes within a relationship. When it's over, they pine for what they have lost.

It doesn't sound to me like you really love this woman, and the rug has already been dirtied, so to speak. Just my .02.

 

[nismo-4]

AFAIC, F**K MARRIAGE ALTOGETHER!

OP, you have low interest and she cares too much. You friendzoned her and she still wants sex!

Win-win!

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Vin Koch,
There is nothing there....Luckily no Children and no significant property issues...just get out as smoothly as you can,drive away without even looking backwards in the rear vision mirror...In eighteen months or so,you will be prospering and she will be floundering...You got off lightly!

 

[bmp2cpm]

Much of a woman's good actions (eg all the attention, the loving way they act, being very attentive) with a man are not there for the man's purpose. They are there to essentially keep the man away from the woman's competition. The woman's competition is what drives a woman to show amazing actions of love to her man.

Women persuade a man to focus on her so he won't provide any resources to her competition. When she knew you were out of her reach, her "take-action-to-keep-him-away-from-my competition" mechanism kicked in.

 

[pipe007]

Please DO NOT take advice from people who are currently divorced, or have been single throughout their WHOLE lives. Because their advice is biased and based on a perception that rejects the notion of marriage.

DO seek different perceptions from those who have successful marriages, and ask if they have had similar situation as yours and still managed to make things work in the long run and live a "normal" life.

 

[sodbuster]

Do what you want. BUT if you decide to get back together with her, she needs to EARN it. She half assed the last 2 years of marriage. Make her work her AZZ off to keep you.... and I'd TELL her that you weren't happy the last 2 years and SHE needs to improve or it's over. Even THEN, I'd sleep with one eye open and stash some cash away in case it does go sour.

MY BEST guess is she found out her market value wasn't as high as she thought it was and wants to keep you now because she realized she CAN'T do better {like ALL women think and her girlfriends probably told her}

One other thing, IF your wife starts hanging around DIVORCED women telling her how happy they are single {lying} and how men suck.... get your bags packed

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Vin,
Agree with Sodbuster...She was probably having a clandestine affair,maybe had the illusion that her lover would cut loose his own ties and they could live happily ever after....Sadly life is rarely like that and when push comes to shove usually the Guy doesn't come to the Party!...Take particular note of the advice to make her lift her game,don't beg her to come back under any circumstances...The odds are not in your favour Vin but good luck!

 

[sodbuster]

I've been Divorced for 7 years now, and I can't begin to count how many freshly Divorced women think they can land me. How many fat 50 year olds think I need to kiss their ass to date them, they don't need to compromise on anything, etc. At the same time, I'm dating 25 year olds?